I keep feeling better and then two days later spiralling back into this depressed state and I dont know what to do about it. I'm always tired and can never sleep. I feel like everyone is mad at me or disappointed or whatever thing. I'm not enough and I never will be or do enough to be a worthwhile person. Everything is upsetting all the time and idk what to do about it

Question for the people who post emo lyrics on their facebook with zero context: Why?

I wish there was someone I could text "moths are trans culture because I said so" to and have them, like...get it.

That nausea you feel when you haven't eaten in a while and start cooking and lose your appetite? A constant.

It's just one of those days where every interaction I have with people is fruitless. I hate debating. I hate arguing about nitpicky shit like the timeline in which I respond to something, when the previous problem was that I wasn't replying at all.

My fucking face hurts and I just want to cry because nothing is helping and no one is making anything any easier. Not that its anyone's JOB to do that, but you'd think the people who know me and love me best would kinda...get it? Or maybe I'm just not surrounding myself with Kind people? I dont know. It really is one of those "nuke it all and run away" days.

I really shouldn't have to argue that capitalism is bad and poc are targeted by the police and our military is bloated and preys on lower economic status KIDS. I'm just so fucking tired.

More often than not, I'm skipping meals. I cant seem to get comfortable anywhere that isn't my bed (and even that's hit or miss). I've been self medicating with benadryl and weed because tbh being too alert means thinking too much and just...fuck that? At least when I'm dozy my brain moves more slowly and gets lost. Can't hold on to the negative thoughts, right? Makes the thoughts slippery.

But everything is irritating. The littlest shit has been getting under my skin. I'm worried I'm going to fuck up a relationship or two if this keeps on. And from here, it looks like it goes on forever. Like it's been this way for as long as I can remember (it hasn't) and it will never change (it will). Not a month ago, I was aggressively positive. I went out of my way to remind myself how good things are. The world has changed and I guess I have too?

I dont even know anymore. I wish

I wish I knew anything. I wish some good news will trickle in and things will change again. I wish I was the kind of person who could feel complete and could love themselves. I feel broken and alien and I can't stand to see my physical form some days.

I dont eat well. I dont sleep well. I dont move unless I absolutely have to. All of my relationships are suffering and the blame falls squarely on me. Why cant I remember what life was like before all this? Before the hospital and the therapy and the meds and moving out here. I must have happy. I must have had things to talk about. But I've retreated so far into my own head that i dont know how to People anymore. I forget how to Relationship. I've reached the point where I'm not sure if i even know what love is. Maybe I've never actually felt it. Maybe I'm selfish and uncaring. I never put others needs before my own. If I am the burden I've always feared I am, then I brought it upon myself.

I need a new void to shout into, so here I am back on Tumblr. Really thought "some anxious possum" would be taken, considering the mental health of most possum lovers I've seen. I'm gonna try and be light on the personal info because, honestly, I want to be as anonymous as possible. The kind of bile I need to spew shouldn't be seen by anyone who knows me personally OR any of my old Tumblr friends. But that's a whole set of feelings I dont wanna crack open tonight. I've had so much benadryl.

(Also, I where I typed "feelings", my hands automatically wrote "feels". Guess you can take the trash out of tumblr, but you can take the tumblr out of the trash!)