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smilingpages · 8 months
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after katniss's almost instinctive decision to save peeta in the quarter quell, she tries to work through many reasons for why she wants to save him. and for the majority of catching fire, she describes many different justifications that all center around other people. 
she explains that snow is more likely to allow peeta, crushed and heartbroken, to leave the arena alive than her (cf, 69). and that peeta will be a better mouthpiece for the rebellion, more useful (cf, 69). and she is better off as a martyr (cf, 69). 
she even implies that her choice to save peeta over herself is an act of defiance against the capitol. one last act of defiance that will be useful for the rebels after she dies (cf, 69). she emphasizes her own natural selflessness as she focuses on the benefit that peeta living will bring to other people.
yet, when she is faced with the ultimatum of choosing her family or peeta, she confesses her true intentions. that she was really saving him for herself. because her life would become meaningless without him. because she really does love him. because she needs him. and that is why she was actually saving him. not for the rebellion. for her.
and so, if katniss was actually expressing a nuanced selfishness by saving peeta, was peeta entirely selfless in his own intentions? throughout the series, katniss sees peeta (i.e. the love of her life) as the most selfless and kind person in the series.
it isn't even a question to her that he will go into the games again to save her (cf, 50). and she assumes that he feels some sense of accomplishment, even when he is captured by snow, that he was able to get her out of the arena alive (cf, 110). 
and, when we look at what peeta actually says are his reasons for keeping katniss alive in the quell, he admits that he will never be happy again if she dies. but then quickly jumps to his main conclusion that katniss needs to live for other people (cf, 100). because they need her. and, in an act of complete selflessness, he gives everything to her and asks her to live for her family (cf, 100).
so, it seems like we can assume that the root of peeta's intentions is selflessness.
yet, when katniss begs for him to let her take the nightlock pill, he seems to have his own 'i need you' confession. because as he explains that he can't, peeta recenters his justification for keeping her alive on his own needs (mj, 317). he points to himself as reasoning to why he can't let her kill herself. it isn't about the people who need her. and the benefit she might bring to a rebellion. it is just about him. that he needs her to live.
and once again, just like katniss, a typically selfless character reveals that their efforts to save their lover's life were also selfish in a way. because they need each other.
and this is not to say that katniss and peeta's decisions to save the other were not rooted in love. rather, the opposite. because what else could it be? what even is pure love if not giving everything to your lover and begging them to live because you know that their death would result in reality's steady descent into a personal hell?
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smilingpages · 10 months
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a study i did because i realized idk how to draw environments at all LMAO
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smilingpages · 10 months
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I was raised agnostic and tend to remain ambiguous on theological matters.
-but my house has a porch on the second story that affords me a terrific view of my neighborhood and the Colorado Front Range and I was partaking of some peace before the 4th Of July Finger-Loss Festivities begin, and I have had a
~*Spiritual Experience*~
I just watched my neighbor try to unload an actual wooden pallet that had to have been forklifted into the back of his insecurity pickup worth of fireworks.
Except that he does not have a forklift in his garage.
He does have so much sports memorabilia and cardboard boxes of unsold MLM Merchandise and patriotically themed camping gear and posters of women in bikinis and flags of suspect political organizations in his garage that there is only BARELY enough space for the fireworks and certainly none for his truck.
So he had to unload the individual boxes of recreational explosives from the back of his truck and stack them in the minimal space he had cleared by hand. This is a tedious and time-consuming process as this neighbor has purchased a wide variety of recreational and locally illegal explosives instead of many of just a few types, so the individual boxes are rather small.
He begins, and this is crucial to what happens next, by cutting apart the industrial-grade saran wrap his explosives dealer had so carefully wrapped his merchandise in, and discarded it unsecured on his lawn.
Where Outdoor Conditions sometimes happen.
His process for unloading the fireworks is to 1. Climb up through the gate into the bed of his pickup truck (a feat made unusually difficult due to the slope of his driveway, and this man's fascinating decision to wear the world's Siffest and least Flexible Denim Overalls. 2. Once in the pickup bed, he selects ONE (1) box from the pile He is apparently from a niche religious institution that doesn't believe in stacking things. 3. Carries it awkwardly around the palette that barely fits in the truck bed 4. His wife yells "Be careful!" when he nearly falls out of the pickup. 5. He Yells "SHADDUP!" back at her. 6. The Large German Shepherd barks from inside the house. 7. He yells "SHADDUP!" back at her too. 8. He sets the (1) box down on the gate 9. Slowly and awkwardly climbs out of the pickup bed 10. picks the box back up, and carries it into the garage.
Question: Aren't you going to help this poor man? Answer: Absolutely Not.
There's four military veterans, MANY dogs, and several people with dementia in this neighborhood, all of whom are terrified by this chicanery every year and many neighbors have repeatedly asked him to maybe do the fireworks somewhere else. (This is the Eighth Year Running he's held a major demolition event in his driveway, and for those of you who can do math, you may be able to guess the precipitating incident to this little ritual) Additionally, I live in Colorado, a state marginally less prone to spontaneous and catastrophic conflagrations than a rotting grain silo, but only marginally. Our recreational explosives laws are written accordingly.
I am in fact calling the Non Emergency line to report Fireworks violations, and reading off the brand labels to someone named Dorothy, who is gleefully totaling up a SPECTACULAR fine for my oblivious neighbor.
However, while I'm on the phone with Dorothy, I notice the wind begin to pick up. and by "Notice" I mean "The Industrial Saran Wrap he left on his Lawn earlier is suddenly swept up about 100 feet into the air by an updraft intense enough to make my ears pop" And by "Pick Up" I mean "I look up to see the sky has turned a fun and exciting shade of glass green, and the bottoms of the clouds are bumpy and rounded, and the overall effect is not unlike looking up through the bottom of the cup at God's Matcha Boba Tea."
For those of you who do not live in places with Inclement Weather, these conditions mean "You have about 30 seconds before a Major Meteorological Event Occurs."
I move under the eaves. "Hang on Dorothy." I say, nose filling with Petrichor. "The show is about to be cancelled." "Oh, that doesn't matter!" Dorothy cheerfully informs me. "It's illegal for him just to possess those, no matter if he actually gets to set them off or not." "Terrific, because he's gotten maybe five boxes out of a hundred inside."
Sometimes, the weather gods are Merciful and give you a verbal warning, typically in the kind of thunderclap that makes your ears ring.
The Gods were not merciful today.
It's not often that I am in the time, place, correct angle or in a properly observational frame of mind to see this, But I got to see it today. Huh. I thought. I've never seen a cloud just DIVE for the ground before. Oh. I realized as it got closer. That's RAIN.
Sometimes, a thunderstorm will form in such a way that the rain that would normally be distributed over an area of say, five to tent square miles, is instead concentrated into an area of say, my neighborhood exactly.
So today, I was granted the rare privilege of being able to actually see the literal wall of water descend from On High and DIRECTLY onto my porch, my street, and my neighbor's truck, and his pile of unwrapped fireworks.
The sheer impact force of the downpour immediately scatters the teetering pile of fireworks boxes in the back of the truck, like the wrath of God striking down the tower of Babel. Boxes tumble, then are washed out of the bed of the truck by the deluge. Smaller Boxes are carried down the road in a little line by the stream forming in the gutter, like little impotent explosive ducklings.
My neighbor was definitely yelling something, but I could not hear what over the DEAFENING noise several million gallons of water makes upon high-speed contact with the earth's surface, but there was a lot of arm-waving and faces turning red as he went looking for the saran wrap that had probably blown to Nebraska by now, while his wife started disassembling the complex three-dimensional puzzle of interlocking material goods in search of a tarp. They do not have a tarp. They have one of those wretched Thin Blue Line flags though, and my neighbor jogs out in a futile effort to cover what's left in the truck.
Which is when the hail begins.
"HELLO?" Yelled Dorothy. "HI!" I shouted. "WE'RE HAVING SOME WEATHER!" "OH GOOD!" she shouts back. "WE NEED THE MOISTURE!"
I watch for a minute longer, but the loss was immediate and catastrophic- the hail is the size of marbles and dense and cares not for your pitiful cardboard and cellophane, ripping the boxes asunder and punching holes in the few things covered in plastic. The colors on the Thin Blue Line Flag are seeping all over the remains of that it was supposed to protect in a particularly apt visual metaphor. Not even the few boxes that made it into the garage are spared, as the German Shepherd escapes from indoors, and in an attempt to assist her humans, jumps directly into the small stack of not-yet-ruined boxes, scattering them into the driveway and deluge. She even picks one up so her humans will chase her around the yard, before dropping it in the gutter to be swept away.
So. I was raised Agnostic -but even I can recognize when God slaps someone upside the head and shouts "NO!" at them.
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(If you laughed, please consider supporting my Ko-fi or preordering my book of Strange Stories on Patreon)
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smilingpages · 11 months
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“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”
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smilingpages · 11 months
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smilingpages · 11 months
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I am finally free of social media accounts tied to my name so I think I will just be feral over here
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smilingpages · 11 months
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people trying to insist a fandom is tiny when it /only/ has a few thousand works on ao3 meanwhile my current fandom is a sixteen book series and has several hundred fewer works than goncharov, a movie that, and i cannot stress this enough, doesn’t even exist
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smilingpages · 11 months
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The change of colour. The plumage of the lapwing is fascinating: often inconspicuous, but shimmering in wonderful colours in the evening light.
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smilingpages · 11 months
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Lilac-breasted roller, 2021
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smilingpages · 8 years
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Kindness
Can we please get something straight? Kindness is not about being nice and it's not about being friendly. It's not about praising everything a person does. Nor is it acceptance. Kindness is telling people hard truths and it's doing the best you can to help a person, even if it is uncomfortable. Friendliness can be faked. Kindness is nothing but honest.
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smilingpages · 9 years
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@inthedark-dark
Dog people vs cat people
Things I assume if your a cat person your probably pretty interesting. Your probably mysterious fierce and independent. Your also probably bad at social interactions not necessarily trustworthy maybe like animals more than people.
Dog people your probably pretty basic. Your conversations are probably very perky and run of the mill or the only odd things you will mention is that you don’t watch TV and you just really like to run or go camping. You probably make surface level friends easy. Your connected to your emotions. Your a Loyal/nice friend. You say generic things in conversation.
Dog and cat people Bull you have a slight favorite or you reAlly are a well rounded person and delicately balance your conflicting personality as well as being a very emotionally mature person
Neither Your either allergic or you have been raised to be afraid of either or your just a dick
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smilingpages · 9 years
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The Signs as Sylvia Plath Quotes
Aries: 
“Out of the ash I rise with my red hair and I eat men like air.” (Lady Lazarus)
Taurus:
“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.” (The Bell Jar)
Gemini:
“I am still so naïve; I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don’t ask me who I am. A passionate, fragmentary girl, maybe?” (The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath)
Cancer:
“How frail the human heart must be - a mirrored pool of thought. So deep and tremulous an instrument of glass that it can either sing, or weep.” (Letters Home)
Leo:
“And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.” (Tulips)
Virgo:
“It was my first big chance, but here I was, sitting back and letting it run through my fingers like so much water.” (The Bell Jar)
Libra:
“I am inhabited by a cry Nightly it flaps out Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.”  (Elm)
Scorpio:
“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.” (Letter to Richard Sassoon)
Sagittarius:
“I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited” (The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath)
Capricorn: 
“The hardest thing is to live richly in the present without letting it be tainted out of fear for the future or regret for the past.” (Letters Home)
Aquarius:
“Stars open among the lilies. Are you not blinded by such expressionless sirens? This is the silence of astounded souls.” (Crossing The Water)
Pisces: 
“I wanted to crawl in between those black lines of print, the way you crawl through a fence, and go to sleep under that beautiful big green fig-tree.” (The Bell Jar)
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smilingpages · 9 years
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“We cared little for what lay beyond the borders of our land. Songs we have that tell of these things, but we are forgetting them, teaching them only to children, as a careless custom. And now the songs have come down among us out of strange places, and walk visible under the Sun.”
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smilingpages · 9 years
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inthedark-dark THIS
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Mycroft: The Series Episode 2 - The Blown Budget
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smilingpages · 9 years
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15 days of lotr
15. the end
We set out to save the Shire, and it has been saved, but not for me.
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smilingpages · 9 years
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Many folk like to know beforehand what is to be set on the table; but those who have laboured to prepare the feast like to keep their secret; for wonder makes the words of praise louder.
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smilingpages · 9 years
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happy birthday harry potter
35 years ago today, lily potter held her newborn son in her arms, looked up at james with tears in her eyes, and said “he looks just like his father”
35 years ago today, james potter took his newborn son into his arms, smiling like the huge dork that he was, and said for the very first time “but he has his mother’s eyes”
35 years ago today, james and lily potter felt their hearts swell with more love than they thought was possible for this tiny bundle made from both of them
35 years ago today, james looked up at his wife and said, “let’s call him harry” not knowing how such an ordinary name would belong to an extraordinary boy
35 years ago today, remus and sirius and peter came round bearing gifts, and sirius spent the entire visit insisting that harry was going to be named ‘sirius junior’
35 years ago today, when lily and james potter put harry in his cot at night, they cried because a little happiness could be found even in the darkest of times
35 years ago today, lily and james potter toasted with firewhiskey to their son’s future, not knowing that they would not be there to see it
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