Total: 684

Weight: ???

Exercise: walked to the library (twice), 17,000 steps, leg circuit, nightly exercises

Minestrone soup with wasa crackers, bowla' grapefruit, and smoothie bowl (old pic, same recipe)

Sorry, I'm just feeling a little sad today. I ate well, studied for 5 hours (total), and exercised for over 2 hours. I feel good about that. I don't know why I'm sad.

Earlier my mom asked me to pick out a bathing suit (online, kohls) so I would have a new one to wear this summer (my old one fits fine - baggy, in fact - but is just worn thin because I like to swim really close to the bottom of the pool on my tummy). So I picked one out, and it was somewhat expensive (60$ for the top+bottom) but I though it was really cute and they even had it in petites so I was sure it would fit how I like. Anyways, I showed it to my mom and she told me it's too expensive (understandable, of course) but then also made fun of me because she said it looks like an old lady bathing suit. It's from a brand called lands end or something, it's honestly just a basic tankini top (I choose tankinis bc me and my cousins like to wrestle and fight in the pool and I'm not comfortable with them touching my stomach directly. Also im just pale) with ruffles at the bottom. The bottoms were a juniors brand, and were black with a dandelion pattern. I actually really liked the combination, but now I feel like I'm going to look like an old lady if I choose anything similar.

So she told me to choose something different, but now everything looks like it would make me look old, and so I told her I couldn't find anything else and now she's mad. I feel bad. I wish things wouldn't get to me so easily. I wish I wouldn't overthink.

I'm glad I got a lot done.

Also, I'm a bit sad that noone has mentioned my birthday yet. Its in 4 days and idk.. I think they may have forgotten. I don't mind too much.

Is it terrible that I've imagined and planned a perfect day for myself, for my birthday, but I haven't told anyone? Like I've selected a scone recipe I want to make for breakfast, but I haven't asked to get the ingredients. I looked up the hours for the roller skating rink, but didn't bother to make a reservation. I made a birthday wish list, but I didn't share it with anyone. I don't expect any of this to happen, yet I still wish for someone to ask me what I'd like to do. I'm such an idiot.

I'm kinda hoping I get disappointed so I have more motivation to not eat. So I do it until they notice. I'm such an idiot. I really am.

Total: ???

Weight: ???

Exercise: 15,000 steps, nightly exercises

I don't know exactly how much I ate today, but I still think I did ok. I went out for a nice lunch with my mom, to this indian place, and it was really delicious. I fasted until that meal, so it couldn't be that bad. Then she took me and my brother to See's, and I was able to resist the pull of chocolate (I haven't had chocolate in a month and my skin is better than ever! Cacao powder is ok tho! Just not the fats and sugars in chocolate). Anyways, I was proud of that, even tho I was stuffed from the restaurant. We had chana masala, yellow dal, and vegetable biryani rice. Also mango chutney and roti. Then when I got home I snacked on some crackers and had a mango berry sherbet (see my last days, haha).

Honestly, as I started writing this, I was feeling really anxious and guilty because I didn't know how much I had ate and it was worrying me. Now though, after writing it out, I realize it's not bad at all. I did ok. I didn't binge. Maybe a couple too many wheat thins, but not a binge. I still likely went over my limit though, but that can be fixed with a two day fast. Sorry, tomorrow's post will hopefully be boring bc I will be fasting. Bye!

Is it bad that I've convinced myself I will never have a period? Like I'm a biological girl, currently 14 (15 in 8 days) and it just never came. I never had any of the signs you get before it start, not even a growth spurt (dammit). And I've only been involved in ✨this stuff✨ for around a year or so, but it might still have something to do with it. I've convinced myself I have MRKH (underdevelopment or absence of the reproductive organs) and that I'm just the first to have found out.

This is just a long way of saying it makes me upset when my mom dismisses any negative feelings or sicknesses I have as "oh, you're probably just getting your first period. Here have some pads". Seriously, everytime I have a stomachache or a headache or even a fever, or I'm crying over something important to me, its just gotta be my period. She's been using this line for about 3 years now, and guess what? No period. None. But I still have a ton of pads leftover tho.

I mean I get it, tears could be because of changing hormones and such but not all stomachaches or fevers are caused by my (as far as I know, non-existent) uterus. It's just such a dismissive way to go about things.

I don't know what I would do if I suddenly got one. Obviously I would just deal with it, but it's just something I constantly deny would happen to me so now I can't imagine myself with one. I hope that doesn't sound too dramatic. Maybe that's one of the reasons I starting doing ✨this stuff✨, to keep up the false reality that I will never have to struggle with a period, if I just keep starving until it never comes.

Sorry for the rather TMI and morbid post, I needed to tell someone.

Total: 693/700

Weight: gosh darn, my dad took the scale away (from my stepmom) bc I guess she told him so she wouldn't be demotivated. I hope it will be back by next Thursday

Exercise: 17,000 steps (off the treadmill), nightly exercise

Normally I like to stay at least 50-150 calories away from my limit, as like a safe guard for counting mistakes, but today I was really hungry and decided to used those up ig. I broke my 44 hour fast with some apple slices, almond butter (reduced fat) and raisins. Then for dinner I made falafel (not my favorite sorry) with tahini sauce and saffron rice. I made my own serving of cauliflower rice "to use up leftovers" with sprouted mung beans (taste like noodles, 15 cals per cup) to add volume. This serving was about 1 cup large altogether, and maybe 45 calories. My mom decided to take half of it tho, despite me not being able to eat normal rice because it gets stuck in my pendulum (braces prep thing, for those that don't know, like modern headgear). Anyways she took half of it so I had quite a small plate. Normally I don't object to this kind of stuff, but when 3/4 my dinner is cauliflower rice and someone takes a bunch, it's upsetting bc that's what I was going to eat today. Do they not want me to eat? I didn't say much, just like 'hey mom, I made that so I had rice like you guys, can I please have the whole thing?' she's like nope, who buys the food. Fair I guess.

Anyways after that I had some mango ice cream (an extra big bowl) which is what ended up filling my calories to the brim. It is soooo good tho.

dinner pic is before my mom shared a portion of my cauliflower rice

I'm writing this on Friday, and today I plan to eat about the same as yesterday. I'll probably have a baked potato. Hopefully we'll stay under 600 tho. Unrelated, but I'm so close to a thigh gap!!! They don't press together any more, just like a tiny kiss at the very very top. Soon I'll have it. That will be my first achievement.

Bye! If you're reading this please have a nice day.

Total: 0/0

Weight: tomorrow we'll see!

Exercise: 15,000 steps, afternoon strength training

A somewhat long walk. I would run but my room gets soo hot.

I don't have anything to put for food pics haha, I actually completed a successful fast for the first time in a while.

Bye! Let's hope I met my goal for tomorrow

Total: 657/700

Weight: two days until we know!

Exercise: 17,000 steps, arm circuit, nightly exercises

A nice long walk :3

Today I struggled a little, but ultimately made it through. Cravings were high, and my family had a binge night (they do this thing where my dad goes to stater bros to get like 4 bags of chips, candy, and cookies and then they eat it all) and I managed to avoid it. I did get a pack of gum though! Ended up fasting till around 4, and started again at 5:30. I had some decent homemade (vegan) burger and fries with some broc. Also made myself a granola bowl (the granolas low cal) with almonds, apples, and raisins. It was all pretty good. Tomorrow I plan to fast so my weigh in will be as accurate as possible. I'm hoping for just under 106 pounds.

On an unrelated note, my birthday is coming up (10 days) but nobody seems to remember. I've never done anything much for my birthday anyways, so I don't know why I'm upset, but maybe it's the lack of food or something that's making me hyper-aware of it. This probably sounds extremely entitled, but I at least expected someone to be like ohh your b day is in a couple days, do you want anything special? At least that's what I do for my family members, so they know I haven't forgotten. I've already planned to try to fast on my birthday, because there will probably be lots of junk. I hope I'm able to. It's either that or birthday bloat, which I couldn't handle.

Bye for now!

Total: 607/700

Weight: we'll know on Thursday!

Exercise: 15,000 steps, pushups

Ate well today! First made some sushi (I'm bad at cutting it so I keep it in a burrito) and cauliflower rice (with tofu) for dinner, and then for dessert I the best sherbet I've ever created. It was just 3/4 cup frozen mango, 1 cup frozen raspberries, 1/4 cup soymilk and a squirt of maple syrup blended in the Vitamix. Yum!

My hair is still falling out a lot, not it clumps, but just a lot comes out when I brush it. It's scaring me but I might just be overreacting. I hope it stops.

Total: ?/0

Weight: ?

Exercise: 25,000 steps

Hi again! I was supposed to fast today, but I only made it until about 5:30 PM. Then I had to add some finishing touches to my scholarship application but I was so darned tired and dizzy that I couldn't type right. So I had a sweet potato bun (just sweet potato + flour I think) and some mango. I finished my scholarship and felt proud so I also treated myself to a bowl of homemade granola. I'm disappointed that I gave in, but I also think it was necessary to give myself a chance to finish the scholarship. Next time I will plan better to keep fasting days as a fast.

Tomorrow I might try a can of these heart of palm noodles my mom got (20 cals a serving, 60 for the whole can) but I'm not sure what sauce to use. Spaghetti lowkey brings back bad memories I don't want to explain, so if anyone could recommend a sauce besides tomato sauce, that would be great! Normally I would do teriyaki, but I'm sooo bored of teriyaki bc I use it on everything. Anyways, see you tomorrow!

Total: 384/700

Weight: I think I'll be able to weigh myself tomorrow, so maybe we'll find out

Exercise: 15,000 steps, thigh workout, pushups

Helloooo! Honestly, I planned to eat more, but I just forgot to add some things into my meals. I had 1/2 a baked potato (planned for a whole one) with some black beans and veggies, and then a delicious red themed fruit salad (raspberries, red grapes, strawberries). I was going to have this protein chocolate milk (190 cals for 1 cup, 20g protein) but I just forgot haha. Tomorrow is supposed to be a fast, but since we're going to the movies and eating beckfast together, it might be hard to do that.

Also, for some reason my stepmom came up to me and just said wow you look really tired. Out of nowhere. Weird

Ngl I may or may not be going for the insomniac student aesthetic so I may or may not be offended at all. Also I get 9 hours of sleep so like... Idk it must be the iron deficiency

See ya tomorrow

Total: 637/700

Weight: my scale is broken lol I'll have to wait

Exercise: leg workout and a long walk

Today I had some leftover Mexican food (tomato rice, beans, salsa) and a homemade frosty for dessert.

Felt decent today, I did have a scary moment where I felt like I was falling (while sitting down doing homework) for like 10 minutes straight. It was really uncomfortable and I couldn't hold a pencil tight enough to write. I hope it doesn't continue.

Tomorrow I plan to either eat mostly fruit, or fast until Monday. We will see. My dad will probably make me eat father's day breakfast, but if I can keep it under 50 calories I should be ok. I'll probably just fake-eat, like I normally do in these situations. Like with a bowl and food, but when I put the spoon in my mouth there's nothing on in. Fun times.

Almost forgot to add my treadmill stats

I doubt I burned 871 calories on a quick 5 mile walk, but we can dream

some pretty food I've had since I've been gone

....welp. im back. and better-wait... no...BALDER than ever with all this hair im losing.

I've decided I'm saying goodbye to this app. It has been helpful to find people struggling with similar things, but I am going to devote my time to something more important now, like serving my family. I have little to no following, but I promise to come back and update on new years. I will update my weight, well being, and the like. I wish everyone a happy life and recovery. Goodbye, I won't see you tomorrow.

Total: 697/0

Weight: we'll know tomorrow...

Exercise: slept in for 20 minutes so missed a little treadmill time, 15,000 steps, nightly exercises

I'm so done. I was supposed to fast today, but after running hard, and studying for 4 hours for finals, I was hungry and I passed out in a college prep online meeting. So I decide to eat some normal food, had a can of pineapple, some pita, and some homemade ice cream (all within my budget). I got some more work done and was feeling good, thinking maybe I won't have to fast twice a week if I just keep running.

Long story short some things were said by my mom about how selfish and uncaring I am towards my family and specifically my brother for not immediately taking on a responsibility that would save her money. I tried to write it out but I'm crying now and it's too long to explain. In the end I've decided that I'm not changing my cal limits because obviously I don't deserve food if I'm only seen as means to cook, clean, and save money. If no one cares enough about my worries or dreams I'll just starve until they do. I won't fail finals. They're easy anyways. Starving successfully is more important.

Then they'll help me when I can't get up. Then they'll listen to what I did that day. Then they'll remember my birthday. Then they'll come to my school events. Then they'll stand up for me when something goes wrong. Then they might notice when I don't eat for 3 days.

I'm going to eat tomorrow, but within limits. I will continue fasting twice a week and eating under 700 daily despite running and exercising more vigorously.

Goodbye for now.

I might rethink my cal limits and fasting days. After becoming more consistent with my running, I get a lot hungrier. I'm still planning to fast today, but I'm struggling. I've already had half a pack of gum trying to suppress these feelings versus my usual 2 pieces. Any tips would be very helpful, I really don't want to fail as I've been doing so well for a while now.

Total: 958/700 >:'(

Weight: ??? Scale still broken, will update on Thursday

Exercise: lots today. I set a rule for myself that if I overeat, I have to do 30,000 steps. So, today I spent 5 hours walking. 31,000 steps. Also, I did a slow treadmill jog, some strength training, and my night exercises.

Treadmill stats

So.. today I started off really motivated, and I thought I had everything counted out. I thought. I had some pita chips because I managed to fit them into my budget, but. ARGH!!! They were a much smaller serving than my cronometer said. I ended up eating about 3 servings without knowing, and I went over my cal count. My food still tasted delicious though, and it was pretty.

To the left is homemade banana ice cream (forgot to take a pic before I dug in) and to the right is a board of apples, almond butter with cinnamon, jam, and pita with hummus and a tofu-ricotta type dish.

Planning to order a nice set of skincare stuff as soon as I reach 107 pounds, my first goal reward was a nice silk head wrap to keep my hair nice at nice and some hair oils. No picture bc I'm wearing it rn hehe and I'm too lazy to take it off. Goodnight! Hopefully we'll be running tomorrow!