I feel this jealous at their win,

of useless i am

and am I so bad at what I do

I am so sad,

I haven't moved on

my life's a mess and everyone is moving on

and I didn't bounce back from the fall i took

I rest in the deep caverns

and I am sad and lonely mess

and I've not got a buck to my name

should I struggle

and to what ends

to prove

that I'll flail my arms

Despite setbacks

never winning

faltering uselessly

I'm getting back into Thai BL and I'm gonna be deranged like no other.

i don't fucking know what jujutsu kaisen is about anymore, everyone fucking dies and i still don't know if kugisaki is still alive, fuck ya'll

I feel sometimes that i will forget him, like i don't remember the way he walks, how does his feet sound on the ground, how he moves and how he eats. It's such tragedy to forget about him, where will all my love for him go.

I couldn't experience anything with him, the sunsets or walks or bike rides, nothing, why did i think that he would be here, together with me holding me through difficult times. Couldn't i dream something beautiful with him despite the setbacks, despite the hate, anger and confusion. Despite it all i want to be with him and it's foolish. So, god prevents me from doing so. I don't know which god his or mine, for his family hates me and i am dreadfully in love with him and want to spend sometime.

I thought it would be easy to let him go, like how you lose touch with friends, over time a would healed. But he, he is like a scab i like to pick and nothing ever heals and even if it does, the flesh inside is gone and there is hole heart-shaped if i want to be romantic and it will live with till the day i die. I hope it does, i want grief to never leave because i want to shout and scream saying that it'll never be okay and it's alright.

I never wanted an okay, i wanted to be with him, see him grow, discover things enjoy life and be his companion in grief, in his sorrows and joys. BUt it was too much because our gods, his and mine aren't the same and his mother prays that i marry a better man, ah such wonderful woman, who denies me her child but grants an another. For this god, i pray i never marry an another except my beloved with whom i had to part.

I want to look at his eyes, his face, his mouth and touch his hair to feel his youth in my eyes and i want to feel young again.

i hate when people address me in something other than my full name, bitch shut up like you don't fucking know me and you dare shorten my name

the only thing I'd like to be is a menace to this society.

17.04.2023

Today my grandma left the boring human level. She reached god, or to someone out there making space for departed souls. She suffered a lot before her death, and in between and in between. I don't remember much, but she looked after me and my brother when we were young kids. She hated being alone left to the lone droning of television. She would often leave for her daughter's place or her place as my dad would say, a respite from the lonely towns which my family inhabited. She lived with her daughter and her two children, her husband left them too soon. I think my grandfather died when my father was barely 10 and my grandma was the second wife. Though these details weren't proper facts, I was intrigued to find more, to understand how she dreamed her life would be. Was she meant to be the second wife, with her broad forehead and a thick nose. She passed her thick nose to four generations and they'd still remember her. My dad, me and my cousins and their kids often carried them, mostly disappointed with how big our noses are.

Would I ever know her the way Marnie was known to her granddaughter. Would she love me if I said I loved an upper caste Tamil boy. Does she regret her youngest daughter's death, was she killed by whom and for what. Would be the elder daughter who gets killed for she loved something different from the norm. Did she fall in love when she was young, when did she touch a body, did she feel loved by her family or did she convince herself that this is what she deserved, a death painful, her two sons who died before her. Was she unfortunate, did she dream of the impossible, to do things, learn things. Was she proud of her son's and their kids and their kids. Sweet children they are. I hope she finds peace and rest away from the stench of human suffering. I hope she found her lord, loving her.

30.03.2023

It's so hard to resist calling him, how would you be without someone who you wished would stay by you forever. The rooms where once we were together now haunt me, they look heavenly, with flowing white curtains bellowing in the wind carrying thoughts of regret, of sins committed but never admitted. They're so loud. I wish I could die at this moment and be there happy - the word he uses so heavily as if to reprimand my sad existence. Hence I wish I never knew happiness, just intense suffering pushing me through till the precipice.

I just realised I actually fall for the mother of the boys I'm attracted to, before I decide to fuck them. I love MILFS. Fuck me, seriously this sucks way bad.

21.03.2023

Today feels so overwhelming. There's no one at work when I'm at my workplace. The only colleague who accompanies my work hours has abandoned me to go to work on site, maybe. He dropped me home yesterday on his old sturdy bike without proper shock absorbers, my bottom felt hammered by the road. It was horrible. It was exhilarating to be on the bike of a boy, my parents despised anytime I climbed somebody's bike. They felt like I was violated. I love being violated, reduced to nothing but desire, to be held, to be crushed and to be humiliated. I find no problem in being treated that way. I don't know if it's because of my dried out self esteem or my lack of belief in people loving you. But I do have control over my desires, maybe a bit lesser than others, but still it exists. Flimsily holding onto my desire filled brain, i move as sluggish as snails on sandy earth. I want to be devoured at my will and I too would return the favour if found impossible to resist. I seek what I can give. In a world where nothing is permanent, i don't want to believe in love that lasts. I thought it would, if I had devoted myself to their thought, obsess over them and have a future together but it didn't. He left me for someone easier, better and lovelier and I should do the same. But it's hard when you're a woman in your late twenties, strangled with work and lack of interest in things except my body being used for pleasure both theirs and mine. I would do anything and everything for pleasure, if that's what I'm here for, cause I never found purpose in anything and I think pleasure is what pushed me here, made me weak and made me strong. Pleasure moulded and the wish to be devoured, conjured by my restricted brain - made me so feral. I sometimes don't know if I can be human.

I am tired of being cold. The monarchy of bones that keeps me tethered here, frail and speechless. I have wanted too much to be loved. This, I think, took everything. Moonlight, glittering robes, hounds roaming near the sea. Everything became bloodied with this fear: do not be seen wanting. 

19.03.2023

It's been a week since I went to met Timothy. Things have been a bit rough, my mind's a wavering mess, coming up with toxic scenarios, i want to end my life. I did good today, my friends have been helpful, in getting me to be more open about myself and my decisions. I want to die, it's so much hard. I think he's never loved me. I should just move on. He has never loved and it's alright. It's so sad to be hung up on someone who doesn't care, who doesn't love me. It's over, you're never getting there, move on. It's okay. Love is hard, be happy for wherever he is. It's alright. Things will be hard. Trust no one, and lose yourself. It's alright. It's so stupid, to not move on, to think he'll be with you. It's alright. Let me die. End myself. I shouldn't judge him, when I was so eager to move on with anybody, with anyone whose body can hug mine for awhile. I am parched for something and all I seek is sin. Sinfully I want to die. The most sinful death let it be mine, while I drown in pleasure. I hope I let go of myself. Life seems pointless, when there is so much pain in me. I think I should let go. It's better if I let go. I should let go. Let go my dear, of everything that hurts you. Let go my dear.

12.03.2023

I went to Trichy yesterday to meet Timothy. It was a mess, I was a mess, we both were a mess. He was afraid of me, didn't want me to touch him, he shrivelled away, in disgust or fear i couldn't tell. He was sad, so so sad. He said he feels guilty because he slept with her, that he shouldn't have and because he lied to me. I forgave him, understood his circumstances, his desires and his mind. Maybe that's what frightened him, that I forgave him too much or that I would take revenge. In a way that would harm is both and our families. I am ashamed, but I don't know if it's a mistake, if it's a shameful thing. I don't know if it was her, who tricked him into sleeping on the same bed or his own stupid concise that he didn't think it was wrong, and if it was he should have told me the same. He didn't though. He knew, always that I was just someone in the shadows. He never wanted me out with him, because maybe he was ashamed. I am tired, I just want to rest. To lie down in the soft earth, embraced by dead foliage and the worms of cool earth. I wish to be dead and buried, as soon as possible in the softest of ways

I feel like a nervous mess. I feel like shit. I don't know what i am doing. I am so pathetic. I want to live with my partner but i can't seem to talk with my parents open heartedly. They never listen. My mom thinks of my sufferings with so much sarcasm. She doesn't care. She never cared not in the way I wanted. I think it's the same with my partner, he doesn't like the way I care which imposes responsibility and many other things on him. He seems too tired and sad. I don't want him to be. I want him to be happy with his life, but it isn't for mine to wish but i can still stay with him, still be with him and influence each other's live and be happy for each other. I want him to be with me, with me. I think it's selfish of me but he was so good for me. I want him.

01.03.2023

I am so sad i left to Canada for my Masters. I am ashamed i didn't think through any of my decisions. It got me into so much trouble. My parents don't like me, my partner doesn't want to marry me because he is too tired. Too tired of letting people do as they please towards him. I didn't listen to anything he has said until now. He doesn't trust me anymore.

27.02.2023

The viral infection took the puppies down. Three of them died. Two brown coloured and one white white with an orange spot. the. first brown puppy died under the papaya tree, the second one on the smooth concrete of my neighbours parking space, ants and tiny black worms crawled along their skin. The puppy always a little weak succumbed. The day before the puppy died, they hung around their siblings crawled up into their space and near their mother. I hope they got a warm welcome into the land of the dead and got warm food, tasting delicious. The last one couldn't survive despite the IV drip and two doses of antibiotics. The last one died muddied their coat wet with sand and moisture from the heaping river sand dumped backside my house. All the three taken away from this pristine neighbourhood and thrown near the smelly canal which flows nearby.

The three other puppies look okay today, after their doses of antibiotics and bowls of eggs and rice my mom fed them. My dad struggled taking a lone puppy which missed the antibiotics shot along with her siblings (I would like to call her a she, because she looked just like her mother) on a two wheeler putting her in a bag with it's mouth lightly closed and in a cardboard box and trying to keep the puppy in place between his legs. My dad said she peeped through the bag, looking at the dusty landscape filled with small buildings, cars and two wheelers. Then she tried to jump from her bag, so my dad grumbled closed the bag a bit tighter to stop her from escaping. Afterwards my dad returned and she is a bit tired but overall she recovered.

I added the last sentence 2 days after on 01.03.2023.

22.02.2023

The brown puppy which my parents used to feed measly rice, eggs and sometimes meat died today. It was born along with 6 other siblings. One of them died previously run over by a car. I don't know if the puppy was a male or a female. The puppy was brown and lanky in terms of a small dog, the puppy was fed along with her 5 siblings and her mother daily twice with white rice and some sour yogurt. That was the cheapest meal my parents could feed them with. Sometimes they were fed scrambled eggs and on days we had chicken they were served the same. The puppy was sickly the last two days, unable to move didn't eat the food my parents tried to feed yesterday and the day before. My dad worried when the puppy wouldn't come out under the car even when he splashed water on it's resting legs. Today morning they found the puppy under the papaya tree dead, so they packed the puppy in an old carton and was put to rest in the nearby canal. A lone flower i plucked from my parents garden rests on the cardboard casket she was carried away in. I hope the puppy rests peacefully in the new home without hunger and disease.