Omg idk why I feel the urge to post this PUBLICLY. Neither my bf or ...!!!! That guy!!! read my Tumblr.

But omg over last winter I end up falling in love with a friend I've known for a few years (when I met him I felt an instant connection, but nothing developed bc we didn't see each other much and I wasn't thinking of it in that way). I'm still in the same relationship ove been in for the past 6ish years (SO crazy to think about.... 6 years is a long time!! I don't think I've changed much over the years, but I have developed a lot more) so obviously I couldn't really do anything about it (the feelings ARE mutual tho!!!!) and it turned into a big ugly tangly mess.

I knew right away that the way I felt for That Guy was very different from how I felt from my bf, but idk how much that even matters. I hardcore committed to my bf from the very beginning (even though I genuinely didn't care that much for him at first) bc I've always wanted to just be in ONE relationship for my entire life. Silly but it's worked so far (kinda)

Omg I just. I'm gonna skip a bunch of stuff because I WOULD actually feel weird if either of them found and read this (way more likely for one than the other). But anyways like. I waffled and tried to figure out for like 4 months whether or not I could stomach the idea of throwing away my relationship of 6 years that I wasn't (still am not) very happy in (for a multitude of reasons, some kf them very confusing to me) and then my friend went CRAZY. He's still not back to normal and it's just been a terrible roller coaster for anyone who is involved (but mainly for me/his roommates and him; I feel like I bear the brunt of it all)

I don't judge him for having a mental breakdown in the first place; he's always been weird and unusual and sensitive (and wonderful). But I do feel so upset over how he refuses to seek professional help, even after being involuntarily committed to the psych ward, even after being confronted about things he's said or done that were incredibly erratic and unlike him, and even after being told by literally everyone in his life that he isn't himself and that he should get some good help. His eye is a wreck today because he messed with it, and I wanted to help him take care of it because I love him and worry about him, but he blocked me on my methods of communication with him (a common repeating pattern with him... I think he feels heartsick over the way I won't rush a break up with my bf for him, but how can I do that!?!?)

It's just such a crappy and disturbing situation and I KNOW it's my fault. The whole thing amounts to an emotional affair for me, but I don't know how to get out of it. There's so much to it that I wanna get out of my system but it's like 6:30am over here and I NEED to go to sleep soon. But yeah. My fault and I literally feel so horrible about this whole thing because I am a SINNERRRR and it all could've been avoided I think??? I don't know. It's not like I was wrong to have feelings. It's just everything I did after. I should've cut off the friendship once I realized how down bad and how in love I was with my friend. But I didn't and now this mess is hideous and ugly and soooo painful and confusing.

And now of course at this point, I feel like I CANNOT leave the situation because I'd worry myself sick, wondering if my friend would be okay if I was gone from his life. Everything seems so fragile and delicate. I'd be hurt if I cut our friendship off, but I could be strong enough if I knew it WAS the right thing to help him. It'd be the worst thing ever but like... at this point... I can't be with him. He's too volatile and unpredictable and!!! I'm scared of whatever is wrong with him!!! He is not "leave your safe and secure relationship" material... but there is no way to communicate that to him now. He has to heal. I'm afraid of making everything worse by existing and not giving him what he wants (me!) because I haven't come yet to the conclusion that I should end my current relationship

Anyways....

Weird but I think I'll get better about it all if I jsut Start typing my feelings about the whole thing out 💀 I've just been laying in bed crying about it all instead of falling asleep LMFAO

new weed idea

Villa Cetinale, Tuscany

Sometimes as a woman it’s important for you to wake up late and be alone in the house on a cloudy cold day with your feelings.

I changed my tumblr name for like 5 minutes and some random bot already stole my old one OMGFFFFDNSJDNNGF

hi

The worst thing about looking at tumblr after literal years of not really keeping up with it at all is I HAVE NO IDEA WHO ANY OF YOU ARE PLEASE WHY DID YOU CHANGE YOUR URLS AND PFPS PLEASE IM SO LOST

damn that boy must be cursed!!

So weird to think about how much I used to be on tumblr and how I never go on here anymore except to check the tumblrs of people I have post notifications on for LOL

Grimes: *Accidentally breaks one of the cars* Oopsie

The Tesla Factory Oompa Loompas: *Emerge from the shadows* Oompa Loompa doopity doo…….

Elon Musk: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not yet…..

Tesla Oompa Loompas: *Silently withdraw back into the shadows…..for now*

Tchaikovsky was inspired to create the piece, ‘Swan Lake’ after watching the film, ‘Barbie of Swan Lake (2003)’. Close friends of Tchaikovsky reported him saying it was, “one of the most emotionally thrilling and aesthetically divine” films he’d ever seen.

hi

Wild pear tree - Mar. 2018