I WANT A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FAMILY. I believed for a very long time that I had to be the one to fix it, and I know now that it has to be them. They love the person they think I am very deeply. But because I'm not that person, they manipulate and guilt and pressure me into "at least" pretending to be that person. I can't do it anymore. I've told them that pretending comes at a cost, and they've been perfectly happy to have me pay it. I'm not. 🌜What I want is for my family to see, love, and respect me as I am. And by respect, I just want to be able to make statements about my own life without them telling me I'm ridiculous, it's not possible, but also that the impossible situation is my fault. 🌜This means I'm on the fence about having a relationship with my family as-is. I want something that doesn't exist- but I give up even the glimpses of it I get now if I go no contact. And I give up having a family, I give up the only people who knew me as a child, the family history, and a lot of my culture. But I'm gaining myself. Most of the time now, I believe I'm worth it. 🌜 ID: An ombre sage green background. A square turned on its point contains a white line drawing of a pussywillow branch, underneath which are the words, "Sick Asians Anonymous." Below the square it reads, “Do you want a real relationship with your family?” 🌜 #Asian #AsianDiaspora #AsianMentalHealth #Filipinx #Filipino #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Sick #SickGirlsClub #Spoonie #POCwME #Disabled #DisabledPOC #InvisibleDisability #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse #Ableism #Crip #Trauma #ToxicPeople #ToxicFamily #IntergenerationalTrauma #ComplexPTSD #FamilyTrauma #Queer https://www.instagram.com/p/CAQWrrFgDFe/?igshid=rurh2wshv2jc

COMMUNITY SUPPORT POST: HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP WHILE STUCK AT HOME WITH TOXIC PEOPLE? We're just starting to understand how many things are affected when we self-isolate to protect our communities, and one of them is recognizing that for many of us, staying home means staying in toxic environments. But social distancing doesn't have to mean social isolation- if you can, take some time to share your stories and support with our online communities in the comments below. Let's start the conversation. #Asian #AsianDiaspora #AsianMentalHealth #Filipinx #Filipino #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Sick #SickGirlsClub #Spoonie #POCwME #Disabled #DisabledPOC #InvisibleDisability #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse  #Ableism #Crip #Trauma #ToxicPeople #ToxicFamily #IntergenerationalTrauma #ComplexPTSD #FamilyTrauma #Queer #Covid18 #SelfIsolation #Quarantine https://www.instagram.com/p/B92GMs2gROy/?igshid=184efsprjlgto

GOING LOW CONTACT: MY #BOUNDARIES WITH MY FAMILY. If you’ve read my last few posts, you know that I have a complicated relationship with my family. Since I want to continue having a relationship with them, I need to have clear boundaries especially around contact. In some cases, it’s appropriate to implement boundaries without talking about them with the other party. In my case, I had a lot of serious discussions with my family about my boundaries. These discussions were inevitably discarded after a few days, but they happened. In general, I am #LowContact with my family. For me, that means I see them only at occasions, I screen their calls via voicemail, and I don’t respond to their messages until I’m ready to. I block or restrict their accounts from seeing my social media. I don’t interact with them alone, because that’s when they try to pressure me the most. I use the #InformationDiet technique, which means I don’t share much about my life with them. I don’t talk about problems I’m having, my plans for the future, or changes I’m making. This means there’s less of my life for them to disbelieve, deny, and judge. The #InformationDiet has made the biggest difference in how bearable my interactions with them are. I am considering some other changes that may help me stay safe during those interactions, but I’m still trying to figure out how to implement them. Every so often they get agitated that I insist on maintaining these boundaries, and in doing so, remind me why I have them. What kind of boundaries do you have with your family? How does upholding your boundaries make you feel? #Asian #AsianDiaspora #AsianMentalHealth #Filipinx #Filipino #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Sick #SickGirlsClub #Spoonie #POCwME #Disabled #DisabledPOC #InvisibleDisability #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse #Ableism #Crip #Trauma #ToxicPeople #ToxicFamily #IntergenerationalTrauma #ComplexPTSD #FamilyTrauma #Queer https://www.instagram.com/p/B8cBuGCArtq/?igshid=1n99nfeqj850t

COMPLICATING NO CONTACT WITH CULTURE. If anyone else in my life refused to accept that I am sick and disabled, insisted I act as if I am not, was consistently dismissive of me, and was controlling to the point of making decisions on my behalf, I would cut them out. But I don’t want to cut out my family. I love my family, I love the raucous parties and the hoards of screaming children. I love having lumpia and roast beef on the same plate, with vinegar chili sauce on the side. I love the short hand I have with my cousins, the understanding that comes with having shared our childhoods. I hate our toxic family culture: the lack of communication, the strict hierarchy of the generations, the way we can name abuse as it happens but strip it from our minds immediately after. While I brace myself for our interactions, I also find that other parts of myself relax. In our white dominated society, I take on the role of #ModelMinority or the Exotic Ethnic. I find myself explaining my otherness constantly, if not tucking it away to be more approachable. Among other Filipinx people, I question whether or not I am Filipino enough. With my family, I am exactly the kind of Filipino I need to be. If I give up my family, I give up nearly all of my connections with my culture and my childhood. I’m in an interracial relationship! My only family culture would be one I do not share. I value my family, even if they only value a certain version of me. Maybe that’ll change in the future, (I suspect it will) but for now, I’m holding on. #Asian #AsianDiaspora #AsianMentalHealth #Filipinx #Filipino #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Sick #SickGirlsClub #Spoonie #POCwME #Disabled #DisabledPOC #InvisibleDisability #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse #Ableism #Crip #Trauma #ToxicPeople #ToxicFamily #IntergenerationalTrauma #ComplexPTSD #FamilyTrauma #Queer https://www.instagram.com/p/B7oU0ZyAqQN/?igshid=18o9ero8y70zo

MY FAMILY DOESN’T BELIEVE I’M DISABLED. My family doesn’t believe that I’m sick, and they certainly don’t believe I’m sick enough to be disabled. At best, they try to be “politically correct.” For the most part, they turn away from my mobility aids and accessibility passes, and subtly pressure me to clean and provide care for them “It’s just for this week,” they wheedle, “It has to be done!” I feel both angry that they’re asking and guilty that I’m not giving in. But there’s another facet to this dynamic: they treat me like I am incompetent. They withhold information while transparently trying to soothe me about it. When I share a problem, they tell me it’s because I’m too argumentative or too passive- until a man backs up my words. Now that I’m low contact with them, they’re offended that I don’t ask their permission before making decisions for myself. Needless to say, this is our main conflict. There are a lot of reasons my family has this attitude. My disability has only exacerbated the existing belief that I’m incompetent- it’s always been there. Chronic illness is difficult for many people to understand. As a child of immigrants, I’m expected to take advantage of all the opportunities open to me because of their sacrifices. Instead, I’m just scraping by. Finally, it’s painful for people to accept that someone they love is sick, and so...they don’t. I waver between grief and anger. It is difficult to continue to interact with them when they deny or turn away from something that affects every part of my life. I steel myself for every phone call, and every dinner. When it’s over, I rage and cry because I love my family- but they don’t seem to want to know me as I am. Sadly, I know that these experiences are not rare in the chronic illness community. I see you out there, trying to live your life next to theirs. I see you, doing your best in a bad situation. I see you, disentangling yourself from family in cultures that forbid it. I see you, learning to know and respect yourself among people who are determined not to. If you’re comfortable, I invite you to share how ableism affects your relationship with your family members in the comments. https://www.instagram.com/p/B7WdTTtgwA1/?igshid=vxsmh1ou3has

IDENTIFYING AS DISABLED. I have a history of mood disorders, and currently experience energy-limiting and pain disorders. I am disabled. It took me over a decade to identify as disabled. For a while, I didn’t believe mental illness counted. And then I was convinced that the fatigue would go away, if I only found the magic combination of sleep hygiene and exercise that would cure me. Now, I consider myself impaired by moderate to severe fatigue, and disabled by a world that does not accommodate ongoing illness with unpredictable flare-ups. The pain is just a bonus. Identifying as sick and disabled was a huge change. I was uncomfortable with it at first- I wasn’t sure I was sick “enough” to qualify. In fact, I wasn’t sure sick qualified at all. I thought you had to be physically disabled, from birth or by a tragic accident or by a serious disease. I didn’t think you could be disabled and not have a name for why. But I had to learn to call myself disabled before I could ask for accommodations. I would never have let myself start using mobility aids without defining myself as disabled, for example. What was your path to disability like? #Asian #AsianDiaspora #AsianMentalHealth #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Sick #SickGirlsClub #Spoonie #POCwME #Disabled #DisabledPOC #InvisibleDisability #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse #Ableism #Crip #Trauma #ToxicPeople #ToxicFamily #IntergenerationalTrauma #ComplexPTSD #FamilyTrauma #Queer https://www.instagram.com/p/B7OaefjAmNt/?igshid=u50jcz6n4ato

CREATING A COMMUNITY WHERE YOU BELONG - So, my best friend said I should talk about how I created a community where my disability is fully accepted, and to be honest, it was some work and a lot of luck. More than a decade ago, someone told me that all anyone wants in this world is to have somewhere they belong. Either you find a place you fit in with, or build it yourself. I made that my goal, and it’s only recently that I’ve felt it’s really coming together. For the most part, creating this group of friends has been a repetitive process: meet new people with shared interests, be openly disabled, talk about my needs and theirs, make adjustments, and assess if this is a relationship you want to keep. This happens at the start of a relationship, but also throughout it as our needs change. It’s easiest with people who already have friends who have complex chronic illness, but it’s not unique to being sick. Every relationship has to change as people and their lives change: friendships, romantic relationships, and family. Some relationships can’t hold up to the change, and you have to let go. That’s not easy at any stage in the process, but it’s especially difficult when it’s a long-term friendship. I have friends I still grieve, while knowing that we were no longer good for each other. I choose to retain relationships that cannot handle the full impact of my disability: these are family and friends I see less frequently. A little part of me knows that at some point, I will let go of these people with whom I cannot fully be myself, but a larger part knows I’m not ready yet. It’s alright. I’m building my community for me, and I can wait. I’ve got a whole lifetime to do it. #Asian #AsianDiaspora #AsianMentalHealth #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Sick #SickGirlsClub #Spoonie #POCwME #Disabled #DisabledPOC #InvisibleDisability #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse #Ableism #Crip #Trauma #ToxicPeople #ToxicFamily #IntergenerationalTrauma #ComplexPTSD #FamilyTrauma #Queer #CommunityBuilding https://www.instagram.com/p/B7J3sb7gKa8/?igshid=zlo19brqxtde

IT’S OK TO BE PUBLICLY TIRED. Now that the holidays are over, I’m enjoying the blissful return to being “off”. I don’t need to present my public face for a little while: I don’t have to be blandly pleasing, innocuous, or unobjectionable. I no longer hide my disability from my family, but I also don’t feel safe revealing the full truth: that climbing the stairs hurts, that I am being denied accommodations, that being social for hours is exhausting. I cannot be tired in front of my family- as far as they’re concerned I didn’t earn it, and even if I had I should grin and bear it until there’s no one to see, including them. I long to return to the community I have built for myself, a constellation of friends who will make room when I need to lie down, not interrogate me about why I think I should be allowed to. The ones who will swap dinner plans for delivery, who don’t mind when the pain slows my thoughts, who have taught me it’s ok to ask for help and it’s ok when people say no. There are people among whom it’s ok to be publicly tired without having “earned it,” who don’t glorify pushing through to the point of pain. Until then, I can hold space within myself to be tired without shame. #Asian #AsianDiaspora #AsianMentalHealth #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Sick #SickGirlsClub #Spoonie #POCwME #Disabled #DisabledPOC #InvisibleDisability #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse #Ableism #Crip #Trauma #ToxicPeople #ToxicFamily #IntergenerationalTrauma #ComplexPTSD #FamilyTrauma #Queer https://www.instagram.com/p/B7Eh8jUgtS8/?igshid=1n7cyr0n4c9mn

SICK ISN’T SHAMEFUL. When I was a young #queer, I watched Saving Face a zillion times. Not just because I loved watching @MichelleKrusiec and @MsLynnChen fall in love, but because in the end (spoilers!) their families and communities accept their relationship. They don’t need to hide their queerness to save face. I’ve never brought someone home who isn’t a cisman for a bunch of reasons, but I have had to bring home my disability. Bringing home a girl would have gone better. There are a few exceptions to illnesses my family believes are shameful (namely, if it’s 100% out of your control, but even then...) but for the most part, being sick is something you are “discreet” about. Being visibly disabled is like waving a bloody tampon around at a party. So I don’t talk about my wheelchair, or the harassment and discrimination. I don’t talk about my life at all, and nobody asks. I can live with this, but I can’t live with the expectation that I pretend that I’m well. Being tired and in pain isn’t shameful. Taking medication isn’t shameful. Using mobility aids isn’t shameful, nor is eating a special diet, or needing a quiet room. Respecting your needs isn’t shameful, but expecting people to hide theirs is. #Asian #AsianDiaspora #AsianMentalHealth #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Sick #SickGirlsClub #Spoonie #POCwME #Disabled #DisabledPOC #InvisibleDisability #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse #Ableism #Crip #Trauma #ToxicPeople #ToxicFamily #IntergenerationalTrauma #ComplexPTSD #FamilyTrauma #Queer #Kinky #Bdsm #NonMonogamous https://www.instagram.com/p/B6853M9A-wK/?igshid=1rhwpddmh2zv5

YOUR ELDERS NEEDS DO NOT NEGATE YOUR OWN. As a young woman in an Asian family, there is a lot of pressure on me to provide care to my elders, even care that negatively impacts my health. The expectation is that I will tuck my needs neatly away, and attend to the needs of those who are older than me. I did this faithfully for years, until I became too sick to keep hiding my health issues. I’m still grappling with the fact that I am no longer in the good books with my family, even while understanding that these expectations were always ridiculous. #FilialPiety is often praised as an “ethnic” practice that fills the gaps in community eldercare, but it can also represent a rigid hierarchy within the family. The oldest generation at the top, and the rest following. My elders have needs, and so do I. Their needs do not override mine. You are allowed to continue deciding what your needs are. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to express your needs. You are allowed to have needs that align with your elders. You are allowed to have needs that conflict with your elders. #Asian #AsianDiaspora #AsianMentalHealth #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #Sick #SickGirlsClub #Spoonie #Disabled #DisabledPOC #InvisibleDisability #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse #Crip #Trauma #ToxicPeople #ToxicFamily #IntergenerationalTrauma #ComplexPTSD #FamilyTrauma #Queer https://www.instagram.com/p/B6121z_A0dg/?igshid=ons8t6t0svrl

BRING A WHITE MAN TO THE DOCTOR. Sick women of colour, you know there's a fair chance the doctor will not hear you out. They might tell you "that's normal" or "let's wait and see" or "it's not too bad" all the while you've just described how the life you have been building is slipping through your fingers. Bring a white man and see how their eyes flick to his, asking, "can I believe what she is saying?" Bring a white man and see how they stop rushing you out the door, how they document your words, how they order tests without rolling their eyes at you. Sick women of colour, bring a white man to the doctor so we can become well enough to destroy the sexist, racist, ableist, patriarchy of the medical model. #Asian #Diaspora #ChosenFamily #DisabledPOC #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #ContestedIllness #ChronicFatigue #mecfs #InvisibleDisability #disability #DisabledAndProud #DisabilityAdvocate #MedicalAbuse #crip #sick #SickGirlsClub #illness #spoonie #SpoonieLife #queer #kinky #NonMonogamous #abuse #NarcissisticAbuse #FamilyAbuse #ToxicFamily #ToxicRelationships https://www.instagram.com/p/B6zK0VxgAkv/?igshid=1pswed51nwuv0

NEW YEAR, SAME SH*T. You may be planning for a New Year/New You, but the abusive and manipulative people in your life aren't. You have no obligation to give up your boundaries to present a happy family to the public. You do not have to pretend everything is fine for celebrations. You do not have to set aside the pain they have caused you to wish them a Happy New Year. The new year is a great time for toxic people to work on becoming less toxic, it is not a marker for you to accept toxicity back into your life. #Asian #Diaspora #ChosenFamily #DisabledPOC #ChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #ContestedIllness #ChronicFatigue #mecfs #InvisibleDisability #disability #DisabledAndProud #DisabilityAdvocate #crip #sick #SickGirlsClub #illness #spoonie #SpoonieLife #queer #kinky #NonMonogamous #abuse #NarcissisticAbuse #FamilyAbuse #ToxicFamily #ToxicRelationships https://www.instagram.com/p/B6yqw2GAqtp/?igshid=1u2ebn3qcva1v

Why #anonymous? Because behind a screen I can spill the real deal: the human rights violations, the #MedicalAbuse (and medical racism, sexism, and ableism), and the family that doesn't believe you're #disabled. Not to mention the healing nature of cuddle piles where everyone knows you need to support your joints. I'm #SickAsiansAnonymous, and I'm not holding back. https://www.instagram.com/p/B6w1q0vAQVD/?igshid=7gjyha2z099y