GOT MY SURGERY DATE YALL!!(12th/7/19)

17TH OCTOBER IS MY DOUBLE JAW SURGERY!! ABSOLUTELY BUZZIN. but also a bit terrified now😅🙈. Got a whole plan of action now. This month thickest wires. Next month surgical hooks (dunno if that seems a bit early, 2 months before the op and surgical hooks?) And that fancy Cone beam CT. They are also going to change the powerchains from being elastic to metal. Then September moulds then my pre op then surgery!!!

It all seems a bit real now that i know whats going on.

I GOT A PROVISIONAL DATE FOR MY DOUBLE JAW SURGERY!!

10th October. Absolutely buzzing!!

No idea what to do to prepare 😂😂

Fucking sucks😥🙄

Im not going back to sleep. Fuck that. Thats not happening again. I feel..just frozen. No idea if i was even talki g in the 'sleep'. Fucking nightmare/idek im scared. Im scared to sleep.

I was like going to sleep then everyting started freezing in time and i was paralyzed on my bed. Fighting to move. My eyes it was like looking through bristles and only 1 eye. It was like the entire circumference of ny vision was obscured with..eyelashes?

And like it was like my other sleep paralysis where im there..frozen and see stuff and i cant move. No. I was desperately trying to fight it. All i could do was move 4 fingers in my left hand. It was the most horrible feeling as even tho i was frozen it was like i was faling. It was like my body was fluid and lifeless and can just be picked up. But also fucking heavy. I somehow grabbed the side of the bed to try to fight and pull myself up and idk how but pulled myself up and then like fell through the bed. It was like i was going round the room. And i was trying to scream at the top of my lungs for help. And i know my flatmate is in their room so was shouting help, help me please. Help lewis help me. And my door is unlocked (strange i know, usually lock it) so if he heard me he could come help me. But it wasnt loud at all it was like really raspy like in that movie Us, but also demonic like and straining and quiet. And i could feel everything. My whole body. Idk how to describe it.

Then i was desperately trying to find my phone to call idek who. Someone but cant even do that. Then i fell again. And at one point i was facing down and everything was shaking then. Idk what happened but i was able to open my eyes fully and somehow found my phone to put the torch on butnit was very dim. And still the immense heavy feeling and it felt like someone was grabbing my whole left side of my body and i woke in my bedroom in the house, saw my rubix cube and i tried to turn then i woke up.

Frankly im fucking scared. And this all legit happened, in 20 mins.

This is why im scared to sleep. It's 4.30am. I woke up sweating, goosebumps and pounding heart. Fml. Gonna take my anxiety meds.

16/6/19

You know the depresh is creeping back when you don't shower for 2 days, sit in the dark when my curtains are always open and take nap naps😶🙃

Soo hey

Just going to use this as a way to put my feelings and random stuff. My transition, my jaw surgery experience and uni life