3am rambling

i can’t shake the knowledge that it’s a little selfish to think of yourself so much that you have this much of an idea of who you are.

i see myself as a storm cloud, swirling and dangerous and destructive. i’m messy and forgetful, as soon as something good strikes like lightning it’s gone. any thought or feeling i have is fickle, subject to change and be forgotten about so easily. i make no sense, especially to myself.

even my therapist looked confused when i tried to explain the inner workings of my mind. i’m unstable, not in the way that i might break and cut other people open with my pieces at any second, but in the way that i’m internally and eternally unknowable and unpredictable.

i never know if it’s instinct or a trick that gives me an impression of what other people are thinking, but sometimes i get an overwhelming sense that a person i am talking to is only in front of me to be nice, is silently begging me to shut up or go away. i’m not sure if i would prefer it to be instinct or a trick, honestly. isn’t that so pathetic? to be so isolated inside of one’s own mind that it leads them to places and conclusions like this one? it happens with my closest friends, it happens sometimes even with my own mother. i have no sense of why, only the sense that there is.

it doesn’t destroy me like i think it would. not constantly, anyways. i am nothing if not fickle-minded, and i can trick myself into forgetting a lot of things. it creeps, always lurking, but it only finds me at times like this, when i’m tired and begging my own body and mind to let me rest. but they don’t.