schwarzgemalt
Bevor ich falle.
Sieh nur. Da vorne wartet ein Wort. Auf deinen Einsatz. Und wenn du lieber schweigen willst? Dann nimm deine Worte und lauf davon. Aber vergiss nicht: Irgendwann. Kommst auch du zum Stillstand. Das ist der Lauf der Welt. Und wenn sie dich gefunden haben. Die anderen. Am Ende vom letzten Raum. Dann erzähl ihnen deine Geschichte. Mit jedem Wort. Das du kennst. Und wenn du anschließend keine Freunde mehr hast. Dann hattest du auch vorher keine. Und wenn du von hier an alleine dastehst. Dann gehört der Boden unter deinen Füßen. Immer noch dir. Also versteck dich nicht hinter deinem Spiegelbild. Und verhüll dich nicht in fremder Befindlichkeit. Denn irgendwer. Sieht dich doch. (Lilly Lindner - Bevor ich falle)
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therapist: so how do you feel about your body
me: idk i just work here
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someone: ‘are you angry with me’
me, dissociated as h*ck: ‘no. well. part of me is angry with you, but then another part of me just feels sad but then I’m not really feeling anything at all and another part kind of feels guilty but then no honestly I’m fine but really I just- no, I don’t know’
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hey all!! thank you for the love on our last post, here are some more system memes made by Z in our system <33
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trying to hide the fact that you’re a system in front of people who don’t know about your disorder:
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i need to figure out what home means – i think, in a foreign language, in a city that i ran away from not despite but because of its familiarity / maybe there is no such thing as belonging; maybe it can only exist where warmth and inevitability are the same
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therapie ist eine gleichung mit sehr vielen unbekannten.
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If I wasn't stuck in this constant state of dissociating I don't think I'd still be standing
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Du verschweigst mir mein Echo, aber nicht wie die an Depressionen erkrankte Mutter, die unfähig ist, die Emotionen ihres Kleinkinds zu spiegeln, die ihr Möglichstes tut, aber nicht mehr kann. Du entscheidest dich dafür, meinen Ton auszustellen, mich nicht zu hören, damit ich dich nicht störe. Aber ich will stören, ich will dich erschüttern
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vor jahren habe ich gesagt, dass ich nie wieder kommen werde. heute kenne ich fast keine straßennamen mehr. ich habe 19 jahre lang dort gewohnt, aber nie gelebt. ich kenne die meisten straßen dieser viel größeren stadt, die jetzt mein zuhause ist. aber vor allem kenne ich bus- und bahnlinien und weiß ganz genau, dass ich nie wieder an diesem einen bahnhof aussteigen werde. ich kenne den weg zum wald, den zur uni und den in die stadt. mehr muss ich nicht mehr wissen.
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My dad was dealing with some mixed feelings so I told him "In therapy when something is too complicated to do a simple 'pro and contra list' we sometimes do an excercise where you imagine all these mixed feelings around a table in some kind of conference, letting each tell their bit and you leading the debate."
and my dad didn't really respond and just stared ahead so I kept preparing lunch. Until a few minutes later when he suddenly piped up: "I am having a bad time at the conference"
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I want to say this bc it does not get said enough: most grief you experience in your life will have NOTHING to do with death.
This is not talked about enough and as a result ppl struggle to process grief bc the world is telling them that grief is something else.
Grief is about loss, and IF you’d like to define it as a loss of life it is not restricted to loss of life via death. Even then I’d implore you to not view grief as about death or life but again, just loss.
Grief is also about having a shitty childhood that nothing can fix even if you have healed from it as an adult; your childhood was shitty and there’s nothing retroactively you can do about it. You grieve the loss of thriving your past self was denied.
Grief is about friendships that ended abruptly, confusingly and again, there’s nothing you can do to change that. You just have to sit with it. This is the only way grief can ultimately be processed and all it wants by the way: to be accepted and sat with. That’s it.
Grief is about opportunities that have passed, experiences you can’t have because of the way situations have ended up, and having to accept that while you do have your whole future ahead of you, there were some things you wanted to be a certain way then and they weren’t, aren’t and will never be.
Grief is being estranged from your family and missing family closeness even though you do not want to be closer to your parents, because you’re grieving the fact that there is a healthy part of human life you will not experience through them.
Grief can be the job you lost, the plans that fell through, the events that spiraled out of your control
If grief is strictly about life and death, understand that it includes grieving the life you never had and the death of who you used to be, too.
But moreover, grief is about loss.
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