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schizosomnia · 2 months

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schizosomnia · 2 months

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Lately I’ve been feeling so sick. Physically sick to my stomach. I feel like my end is coming soon. I don’t believe I’ll make it to my 18th birthday or even my graduation. Everything feels so meaningless now. And nowadays I can’t even go to school anymore. I want so badly to have someone to turn to. Someone I can cry to for a little bit. I’m not in the best mental space to help others anymore. I can barely keep myself alive anymore. I want this feeling in the pit of my stomach to go away. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to cry everyday and rot in my bed anymore. My parents haven’t given me my meds for 5 days and I’ve been hallucinating really badly. I don’t know how much longer I can’t take it. I’m sorry

#vent #schizophrenia #hallucination

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schizosomnia · 2 months

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When I was Little

“When I was little

We couldn’t afford winter boots

My mom would tell me to layer my socks and wear my sandals that our cousins handed us down

And the only shoes I owned were too small for my growing feet

I wore them till my feet bled and my toes were all messed up

I wore them till they ripped and had holes in them

When I was little

I had no toys

I use to make buildings out of the thousands of empty medicine bottles we had lying around pretending they were blocks

I would collect tiny scraps of paper around the house and make little bird nests out of them

I’m not sure why I had such a fascinating with bird nests

When id go to sleep id place my blankets around me and I’d sleep inside of it

Whenever id be able to go out I would use the dead grass after the lawn was mowed and make big nests out of them hoping a bird or rabbit would use it as a home

I’m not sure why I did that

Maybe because it gave me a sense of security, maybe it was just the imagination of a lonely child

I’m not sure

I would use my empty medicine bottles and collect little bugs that were around my apartment

Cockroaches, bed bugs, spiders, anything small I could trap

And I watched them and I watched

Their every move I observed with a keen eye

Wondering how they moved and how they lived

They started talking to me and I talked back, enjoying their company

I would feed them food and watched as they scurried around, a part of me feeling bad having trapped them for so long

What else can a child do in a empty house like that

How does a child stop themselves from being driven mad with so much silence but so much yelling in the walls

I stopped doing that after we moved

I felt bad ever since and never went near bugs again hoping my tears and space would make up for the time I left them trapped

I cried for them because I knew how it felt

Yet no one would apologize or shed a tear for me

Then it went silent

No more bugs to talk to

No more nests to feel safe in

Just yelling in walls that echoed throughout my childhood

I too went silent

For who would want to hear the incoherent ramblings of a naive child

Naive

That’s all that child was and nothing more

Too stupid to understand but too aware to ignore” -@schizosomnia

#vent #paranoid schizophrenic #schizoaffective #schizo #anxitey #schizophrenia #paranoia #childhood trauma #hallucination #depression #spokenword #psychosis #delusions #actually psychotic #schizospec #psychotic

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schizosomnia · 3 months

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I am the eldest daughter, which is to say that I am a sponge that absorbs all the trauma of the household. Life is spilt milk and I am a kitchen cloth burnt at the edges. I am falling apart at the corners, threads coming away, rips and ripples like I am torn and trembling in an ocean of nothingness. I am the eldest daughter, which is to say that I emphasize with everyone. The love of my life marries someone else, and I find myself hoping that he loves her the same. My brother wishes death upon me and I toss and turn in my sleep over the tears I saw in his eyes. Life is an accidental fire and I am water. I attempt to stop a tragedy I did not start, to go blindly into a catastrophe that I cannot halt. I am the eldest daughter, which is to say that I am silent in my needs. My father asks me what I'd like to eat and I say that I am not hungry. I will chew on my guilt and swallow my pride before I even think of asking for anything. I buy myself a sweet and nothing tastes as bitter as it. Life is a metaphor for debt and I am drowning in the desire to be as insignificant as possible. I demand nothing and nothing demands me.

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schizosomnia · 3 months

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Peace be upon the daughter who helped her parents grow up. Accepted their cold shoulder, excused their anger, pardoned their mistakes, taught them how to be human. Peace be upon the sister who paid the price of rebellion. Screaming to her fullest, shaking like a leaf but standing tall, never letting the dictatorship go without a fight, paving the path for her siblings to breathe easier. Peace be upon the first child of an immigrant father. Aching to find their own purpose in life, firm in their own beliefs, contradicting generations and generations of cultural values. Peace be upon the girl who shouldered her mother's trauma. Swindled it into her own, morphed herself into an image of the womb she once resided in, immersed herself into troubles that weren't even hers, covered up scars that she couldn't even recognize. Peace be upon the woman who forgot who she was. So determined to be the savior of everyone, to fix her family, to nurture and love everyone around her. So deeply lost that she forgot she's just as worthy of love. Peace be upon you.

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schizosomnia · 3 months

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