stop being so forgiving, people know exactly what they’re doing.

it kills me inside when i try to act cold just to protect myself, knowing that i have the sweetest soul you'll ever meet.

“I believed you even when I knew you were lying.”

- S. C. C.

Here I am. I have my barber license. I’m not in my dream job, but I’m in my ideal field. But it’s all so much to deal with every day.

I can’t keep up with friends and their lives. Vice versa. But nobody fucking gets how hard this life adjustment is for me. I’m doing my absolute best.

Everybody expects so much of me and doesn’t understand that I’m fucking dying. Literally. I can’t catch a fucking break

I miss who I was in 2016.

How long do I have to pretend that I’m okay before I finally open this box of Benadryl and take every pill in the box.

I don’t wanna talk about what’s wrong anymore. If there’s no results, I don’t want to talk. Everybody’s “here to talk” and “strategize” What I already know. I need results. I need immediate answers. I need help. I need out. I need my family back. I need to get us the fuck out of California. I want my life back. I’m ready to give up and die without warning.

“Lonely isn’t being alone. It’s the feeling that nobody cares.”

— Unknown

I’m literally decaying inside more than anybody knows. Maybe nobody wants to see it. I don’t want to be alive anymore. But nobody knows how real this is. I notice that people create a mechanism so they can say they didn’t see the signs. They’ve been here all along. I just want to be seen. I’m HURTING. My friends don’t see, my family doesn’t see, my wife doesn’t see… hell my own THERAPIST doesn’t see. They don’t know the magnitude and how real this is. Until they do. Because I will be gone. I can’t spell it out in plain English because nobody who really wants out of here can say anything. They can’t say anything because there’s a level of fulfillment that can truly save somebody, and nobody will ever match that. At least not for me.

To save my life, I can’t take affirmations. I can’t just be okay on my own. I’m physically and mentally hurting. I have nowhere to go and no help… and I’m getting used to the idea of being homeless. But most importantly, I’ll literally end my shit before that could ever happen. Meaning if we don’t find somewhere soon I’m cutting the lights out. This is my rock bottom. I’ve emotionally killed myself for everybody for YEARS. And it’s time to match the rest of me.

To kill myself on this property will show Joe in the rental office that he can’t bully me anymore. And I thank Noel for always being so kind. It’ll show my job that I’m not a pushover. It’ll show everybody that ever told me that I was strong that I was not. I tried to tell everybody that I’m not strong and you know what? I’m not. I don’t want to be. I can leave all of this behind and be with free. I can leave the pain behind.

What do you do when you’ve repeated yourself a billion times…? Bro…

i’ve been having a rough day for about 5 years now

My New Years resolution is to stop wondering if I’m good enough for other people and start wondering if they’re good enough for me.

I’m just a clingy loser who needs constant attention and reassurance that you love me

Reblog to give a trans woman a warm cup of soup

Wrote another suicide note again. But let’s see if I’m consistent enough to follow through or not…