I've come to a dilemma which my brain cannot comprehend, and I'm not sure what to do yet - as a woman, I would like to be accompanied by another woman in a way that a girlfriend is, and do things that may be "exclusive" to the status of a relationship, but I cannot/do not want to be a woman's girlfriend. I'm afraid makes it seem like I want to fool around with other people and not be loyal, but that's not the case, nor am I looking to be in a relationship with a man, and I'm afraid I also don't fit in anywhere. I also have no clue how to find a girl in this same situation who may want the same thing or communicate this in a way that makes sense. I feel it would be wrong to go to sapphic ladies (as it's like leading someone on), and impossible to approach a hetero lady. Any advice would be greatly appreciated 🥺

Hi there!

So, I’ve struggled with this a lot, and it may be due to mental health? There may be something just under the surface that makes the idea of fully committing to a sapphic relationship to be too much to bear? It’s definitely confusing, because I’ve dealt with this a lot myself, and the answer I’ve found is: a supportive partner. No matter what kind of relationship you want, so long as it’s positive, you can find the perfect partner out there!

You very clearly don’t want to be abusive or manipulative, or to hurt others, you’re looking out for yourself, and that’s okay! Ask yourself: what is it about being “in a relationship/exclusive/girlfriends” with this gal that makes me so uncomfortable? Is it being seen? Being loved? The mortifying ordeal of being known? Expectations? Trauma? Guilt? Shame? There are a thousand and one different answers, but again, my advice would be this:

Love, anyways. Be exclusive, let yourself be uncomfortable and push to the good! It’s worked for me, and even my worst days lead to my best ones, mentally :)

Best of luck, report back if needed!

-Mod Syd<3

I’ve been thinking for a while that I love my girlfriend, we’ve been close friends for two years and dating for almost 4 months. I don’t know if that’s too soon. I’m stuck in a loop of anxiety and overthinking because of it. Often now when I see her or talk to her I think about it and sometimes almost say it, but I want her to say it first. I’m worried that I might say it before she’s ready to say it back. I don’t want to make her feel like she has to tell me she loves me if she isn’t there yet, but I also know that if she doesn’t say it back I’ll feel horrible. How do I stop freaking myself out over this? My girlfriend and I have a wonderful relationship but I can’t help but have a lot of romance anxiety because of my past experiences. Should I just tell her that I love her the next time I think it and hope she feels the same? Or should I keep waiting for her to say it first?

Hi there!

I sympathize, as this can be quite stressful! My personal advice would be to say it when the mood strikes you, when the moment feels right. (You will know when the moment arrives!) And when you do, tell her in no uncertain terms that you love her, the things you love, the things you admire, and that while SHE is under no pressure to say it back to you, you couldn’t contain it any longer!

If she’s the kind of person that responds well to this kind of behavior, then all is well! If not, then take it slow and bide your time! Who knows, she may just be waiting for YOU to say it first! Try your best not to put so much emphasis on this- relationships early on are supposed to be light and breezy, so just take it one step at a time! Respect that if she isn’t ready to say it, then she’s now aware of your level of commitment to her, and will feel that much MORE comfortable saying it when she IS ready!

What will be, will be, so let it come as it may!

Best of luck, and report back!

-Mod Syd<3

Aghhh it’s coming up on the anniversary of me asking out my ex girlfriend, and I just did a few tarot readings, and I had done some during our relationship as well, and all signs seem to point to her and me meaning to be together. It’s been six months since we broke up, I with her, not because we were incompatible, we actually fit together really, really well and had really positive impacts on each other, but because she kept mentioning hypothetical future partners and that she didn’t want to settle down with one particular person ever, and after I told her I had a different vision of what I needed, that one day included kids and settling down with someone, and we decided to go separate ways more or less out of the blue in what was a really close and blooming relationship after six months together. Part of this decision was heavily influenced by a friend of mine who is no longer in my life and has become very openly hostile recently and was just an overall really toxic and controlling person, and she was mad at this person for her own personal reasons at this time, and I feel in retrospect that I made the decision to break up because I was trying to gain approval from my friend, whom was one of my only friends at that time and seemed to demand priority over my relationship and force herself into our dynamics in a really patronizing way in retrospect, and not because I felt that it was the right thing to do at that time in my heart of hearts if that makes sense. I’m feeling quite torn right now, because I really strongly feel this recurring desire to reach out and try to see if there’s anything still there to work from, but I also don’t want to seem like I’m trying to infringe on her need for independence. Part of it is that I’m also afraid that I hurt her too badly by breaking up so out of the blue, and that she would turn me down. I’m really torn on this situation, and I keep going back and forth on what I should do. I’m looking back on the relationship and feeling that I acted too quickly and wasn’t making my own decisions, but also that I don’t want to push her to commit to anything with me if that isn’t what she sees as a future for herself. I’m not out to my parents in a safe way, and I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to my friends about this because not all of them are accepting, but I would really like some guidance on whether I should wait for her to come to me, or if I should make a first move? My apologies for the long ask lol! Any advice you could offer would help

Hi there!

Regardless of anything else, long-term suitability is incredibly important. Not all exits in our life are equal, and sometimes they can be quite uncomfortable and abrupt. But this person made it clear that your relationship was always going to be somewhat fleeting. That you were going to be one of many potential partners in the future. That she didn’t want to settle down, and you did.

The thing is, the two realities at play here: that you were abrupt and panicked in your response to break up- and that you were levelheaded and rational in doing so out of respect for her desires in life and love as well as your own- they need not be contradictory, let alone mutually exclusive!

Sometimes people exist in our lives temporarily, and the times you had may have been quite lovely, but they were temporary- clearly by her intent more than anything. I fear you may be a tad blinded by a future that is unlikely to exist, and this blindness may be goading you into wanting to reconcile. But your needs matter JUST AS MUCH as hers do. All you’d be doing is delaying the hurt you’re already feeling/have already felt.

My advice would be to reconcile as friends, open up to her and be honest, but with ZERO expectation as to a potential outcome. Let her surprise you, one way or the other! Worst case, you’re no worse-off than you are right now- and best case, it could be something spectacular! But keep in mind that EITHER reality could come to pass.

Perhaps apologize and acknowledge the things that happened the same way you did in this ask, and ask to be forgiven and understood!

Best of luck, and report back!

-Mod Syd<3

My ex girlfriend has recently started saying things like “She couldn’t say no to me”. I heard it from my friend and definitely got the vibes I wasn’t supposed to know bc of how quickly she tried to cover it up. The ex in question and I broke up on good terms bc she isn’t sexually attracted to me and is now dating a guy. We used to be best friends beforehand as well, I’m just confused as to why she would go around saying these things, especially to my close friends, and I’m not sure what to do about it... should I confront her?

Hey there!

The question you need to ask yourself is: what purpose would confronting her serve you? You two obviously broke up for a reason- even if it was on good terms. A lot of us get caught up in the ‘should’ questions, when the answer is at its murkiest. Instead, weight out the pros, cons and what YOU actually want from the end result!

Best of luck, report back if you need!

-Mod Syd<3

hi! my girlfriend and i are 17, and have been dating six months. rn i’m in the closet about our relationship to my parents, but things are rly good. she’s said a few times she doesn’t want to have kids, and i just came back from a party at which she drunkenly admitted to not wanting to marry ever either. these are both things that’re rly important to me, but i don’t wanna make her feel that her views are any less valid than mine. i love her and want her in my life, but idk what i should do :(

Hi there!

Unfortunately, this is an important lesson that has to be learned. There is a difference between compromising and giving up things that are important to you. If neither of you are willing to budge, then there isn’t much that can be done, sadly!

I recommend having a conversation with her (when she sobers up), about kids, marriage, etc, and stress how important those things are to you! If she isn’t willing to compromise, then you inevitably will. Not all is lost, however, and you have a long road ahead of you, which is a good thing!!

Best of luck, report back if you’d like!

-Mod Syd<3

Hi. I used to identify as a lesbian. Until I met this guy and was like oh I’m bi. We’ve been dating for over 2 years but lately I keep having thoughts that I’m gay and I really want to be with a woman. I’m so confused. I do love him, I do. He’s so sweet and exactly what you’d want in a partner. But I’ve had so many signs telling me I’m lying to myself. Idk I’m so confused. I don’t want to tell him bc I don’t want to hurt him and he lives with my family :(

Hi there!

Try your best to evaluate your inner thoughts! Are they concrete “I don’t want to be with a man”, doubtful “What IF I don’t want to actually be with a man?” or vague/mix of both? “I may not be happy, what if that’s true?”

You may be experiencing a conflict between Compulsory Heterosexuality and your desire for female love! This is perfectly normal, and a lot of bi people experience this! Bi people often experience lopsided attraction, AKA, it isn’t the stereotypical 50/50 split of attraction to male and female presenting people! MY own girlfriend, for example, prefers female presenting people over male presenting ones! Granted the split is 60/40 on average, but there are many people out there with even ore varying tastes in preferred person!

If you truly love this person, then stick by them! Love isn’t just something you FIND, it’s something you DO. It isn’t always a thing that happens to you, rather a choice you make. My advice would bet to talk to your partner, be open with him and tell him your feelings, get it all out in the open. But preface it with the fact that you know your love for him is genuine, as you’ve said so here! Tell him your frustrations and allow him in, he may be able to provide some insight or solution to the problem- and even if he cant, a little support goes a long way!

If you need anything else, feel free to message back!

-Mod Syd<3

hi!! i’m hoping you can give ur two cents cause i’m rly conflicted here :/ i’ve been dating this girl while halfway in the closet for coming up on five months, but we still haven’t said i love you yet, and she’s kinda said that she’s not in love with me, even though i feel like i may be in love with her. she’s ready to have sex, but i want to know that we’re both in love first. i’m risking a lot to be with her, and she’s supportive, but how long should i wait for her to love me back?

Hi there! Love is a very complicated and complex thing, and there is no “one-size-fits all” answer to this, but I would sincerely recommend the course I take when I’m unsure: trust your gut!

To me PERSONALLY, it seems as though she might not care all that much about your desires in this instance if she knows that what you need to be happy and content with having sex is mutual love! If what YOU need to be happy is to be in love before having sex, then have sex after falling in love! If love is your price, don’t settle for anything less, because you will sincerely regret doing so! You can love someone and not have them love you back, which does definitely sting, but you should love yourself more- enough to walk away and choose someone else who DOES love you, who is everything you’ve ever wanted!

Do what YOU feel is right! Stay safe, and report back if you need anything!

-Mod Syd<3

hello:) i have been struggling a lot with accepting my lesbianism. i feel comfortable enough to come out to certain people in my life, but after doing exactly that i hate myself for my sexuality even more. i don’t feel connected to anyone. i feel ashamed when i think about kissing or having sex with girls and i don’t really know anyone who is like me and could help me. i feel a certain disconnect to womanhood, because I do not like men. do you have any advice for me? (btw happy pride!)

Hey there!!

When I first came out, I ran into the exact same issues! The thing is, there may be a lot of internal misogyny and lesbophobia that you may need to work through! Girls are great, kissing them is great, having sex with them is great!

I dont day these things to make you feel worse, but to make you aware that you are NOT as alone as you feel! Try to tell yourself in the mirror, out loud, that you like girls, that you want to kiss them, etc! It can feel super scary because its new, but its important to look within at what YOU want!

Happy pride!! :)

-Mod Syd<3

hi!! so!! i’ve been crushing on this one girl in my class for about a year now. we’re very close friends and she’s very affectionate, as in like she holds my hand all the time and one time she like hugged me from behind and held my hands. she’s also very interested in gay media. anyway. recently we hung out and watched love, simon together. during the movie she kept on getting closer and held my hand. basically i’m just asking if this is gay and if it would be dumb for me to like idk kiss her?

Hi there!

You may want to give it a shot! To me, she seems to be sending some very clear signals! Just keep in mind that while she may be doing these things in an attempt to gain your affection and have you make the first move- she may ALSO just be extremely affectionate as a person!

Either way, good luck and report back! let us know how it goes!

-Mod Syd<3

Question that might be stupid and context behind it: ‪I just hung out with a girl that used to really like me and she said that she liked me (past tense) but she kept complimenting me and gave me a flower and kept holding my hand and made a comment about how people probably think we’re gay and in a relationship bc of it. Do you think she still likes me? When she used to have a crush on me was about a year ago, but I feel more ready to go for it now, I think?

Hi there!

It could very well be that she likes you, but always be careful! Without knowing the person myself it can be hard to tell! That being said, if you feel comfortable going for it, go for it! If it helps any, if i were in your shoes, I WOULD go for it!

Best of luck, and report back! :)

-Mod Syd<3

hey! I’m really trying hard to like hookup culture but I can’t. I was set up by a friend who found a girl who wanted to hook up with me. I was happy- I mean someone likes me! but I ended up telling her I couldn’t do a hookup. I need emotions and feelings and knowing the person before. Am i the only 19 year old girl who turns down a hookup from a hot girl? I feel alone and that somethings wrong with me. I wish I was able to do hookups so bad like all the other college girls :(

Hey there!

Don’t feel bad at all, I myself am the exact same way, and have been since I was 18 years old! It’s perfectly normal to want to foster a bond with someone before becoming as open, vulnerable and intimate as is required for sex! You shouldn’t feel forced to do things that you aren’t comfortable with, follow your gut!! I’m sure the right person will come along like a whirlwind, sweep you up off your feet, and you’ll be happy that you were able to be intimate with them!

Stay safe! -Mod Syd<3

Have you guys ever developed a crush for a long time over someone you barely know or am I delusional? How is that possible if I have rarely even talked to her (especially cause I get really nervous but still! Ugh, idk what to do cause I just want to not care but every time I see her again I get so nervous)?

Hello there!

There are many different types of crushes, and people feel differently when they happen to them! Some people get all giddy and giggly, some people react nervously and maybe even mistake it for anxiety! Ive been in your situation before, and I would make an effort to push through your nervousness and try to at least talk with her more, and maybe even hang out!! If it goes well, itll be all the proof you needer, and if it doesnt, then you will have lost nothing!

Good luck and be well!

Just send a text to a girl i met yesterday and felt that we clicked & I've never done that and I'm freaking out she hasn't replied but like ??? Did i do this right? Did i read it wrong? Is she not into girls? Into me? Was it too soon to text? She was online but didn't reply? My horoscope said go for it but?? What do i do now??? Omg I'm ready to hurt:(

Hello there!!

While it may have been a bit too soon to confess feelings, you never know unless you try! Who knows, she may be sorting her thoughts out and may say yes! Do your best to relax and distract yourself, and when she responds, maybe apologize for pulling the trigger so quickly, but you didn't want someone as special as her slip away!

Good luck!

Early 1900s anti-suffragette poster

I’ve never like, gone down on a girl before, and I think that’s what’s keeping me back from being more straightforward about my feelings with the women I have crushes on in my life. I think I’m nervous about messing it up and doing it wrong. Should I try hook ups to practice or should I wait for the right lady who will learn with me?

Hi there lovely!!

First, one act of physical love is something that should not be something that is essential to a relationship, because it really isnt! If you dont want to, dont like to, or havent and are scared, that's totally okay!

Second, in terms of actual advice, there is a GOLDMINE pickup line you could use when things are getting intense, having to do with "never having done it, maybe you could teach me"! If you feel comfortable with hookups, you have every right to do so if you want to learn, just be careful in terms of your physical and sexual safety! If you want to wait for one person to teach you, that could work as well! Or a mixture of the two!! Remember, sex and sexual acts are supposed to be fun, so if it isn't fun, get the heck outta there!

If you have any further questions, hit up the askbox again, or you can message me directly at my personal blog @aurora-corporealis !!

Good luck, have fun!

-Mod Syd<3

Can I ask for advice through a private message?

Of course! Though aurora-corporealis is my personal blog, so feel free to message me there!

-Mod Syd<3

Trans rights!

In case you hadnt heard it lately!

-Mod Syd<3