sanestwerewolflover
Dating Myself
30 He/Him The only thing I've known is 'us'.Discovering me, for the first time.Welcome to my journey.Cover art:Chasing Hope by Amir Zand
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i hope my absence gives you the peace my love never could
- dee
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Memories
What is there to do,
When all of the memories
Are tainted with pain
Like a wave, they come
No mental shield can block then
They crash, you can't breathe
Strip what weighs you down,
Claw, fight, struggle to push through
Lungs, mind fill with pain
Why struggle, hurt
Pull close, embrace the darkness
Let life fade away
A spark, not today
One fight to breach the surface
A sigh of relief
You pulled yourself up
But others will help you stand
One will help you run
A smile, a gasp
A chance to want tomorrow
A chance to feel joy
Not without a price
A challenge against the past
Protect the future
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Hearts, waiting to beat
Minds, yearning for the next one
Souls, struggle to heal
Yesterday, light fades
Today, darkness encroaches
'Morrow, a new dawn
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Progress
A wound
Time heals all wounds
Cliche, maybe, but for a reason
Don't let them fester
Darkness. My darkness
A deep hole slick with mud
One slip, back into the pit
Not today
Their pain, my friends
They gripped onto me
Helped me out of the pit
Together, we stay out of ours
A body, slick with sweat
Metal moved
Souls shared
A breath of joy
Progress
Always forward
Each day a different challenge
But we survived
A smile
Hope for what comes
Focus on the present
If I can, so can you
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Forever consumed by the male desire to be combat-dropped from orbit
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No title, no story, just you staring at my thoughts.
Welcome to my detective style board complete with pictures, snippets of memories and pieces of yarn connecting them all. Here I sit, hot coffee in hand, black of course, and stare at the board. Occasionally I stand, get closer, remove a photo, add a memory, print out a place a new question and add a new person. Yeah you're on it, whoever you are reading this. Congrats. There's at least 5 pins and connections added to you.
What is the board? *Sips coffee and smirks*
Me.
Well, not me now, but me in the future. Who I want me to be.
Take a look at this one here, angry, closed off, alone but self sufficient. No one gets in, no one gets out. He looks happier than expected huh? I think it's pride. Pride in building something that's his and no one else's. You'll notice that there's not many connections to others. I don't think he needs that. I don't like him though. He reminds me of... Well. Let's move on.
This one here is a revolutionary. Brave, hard, unmoving in his beliefs. He holds his family and friends close, but if he's crossed, isn't afraid to move on without looking back. What does he stand for? I don't fucking know! Animal rights maybe, a deconstruction of the current political system, restructuring the black community, police reform, dismantling the corruption in churches. Probably the most likely out of all of them to go to jail for... Something. He's hot though. Probably because he barely eats from the stress. Not very likely for me, but a fun little thought experiment.
What's that one with the mischievous smile? We don't talk about that one.
Which one am I now? You already know that answer. It's the one in the middle. The one connected to all the others. Some threads are thicker than others, but they all lead here. This is also the one that I start with to answer all of my questions. Here's a new one.
"Does it matter how I get to the destination if the destination is the same?"
Deep huh? Not really. Let's apply an example. Healing.
Alone and revolutionary me say "You have to heal on your own! Then you can sleep knowing you can do it again, by yourself."
Carefree over there however. "Who cares? You healed. Enjoy it."
Nervous Nancy over there. "What if you're not healed? What if you're just stitched together by the world and people around you?" I don't listen to him much.
Anyway. That's my vision board, glad you stopped by. See you around.
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Real HD here. Sup?
So, was talking to my therapist about 'being the bad guy' and how I was listening to other people's stories and pulling what they said and applying it to myself. Anyway, long story short, he said "Maybe you're not the bad guy or the good guy. Maybe you're the towns person that says 'Hey, maybe don't go fight the dragon, because if you fail you're gonna piss it off and it'll come attack us.'"
At first I thought this dude just called me an NPC. But then I thought about it. Maybe I was the 'hero' who made that mistake and now has to live with the outcome. Injured, but smart enough to warn others to not make the same mistakes. Maybe I was just some guy who cheered the heroes on just to have it explode in my face.
Or maybe, I should just stop placing binary terms on myself or others. I make mistakes, you make mistakes. What separates us from an NPC is to learn from those mistakes, whether it be your own, or others.
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A Breaking Point
The man stared at his after training meal as a familiar feeling gripped his chest. Every heartbeat sent a wave of ice through his veins, walls pressed in on him from every side, his fingers shook. He couldn't focus his mind except on the inevitable break that was a moment away. Pressure built behind his eyes. The world collapsed all at once.
This time, it was self-inflicted.
-----
(Two days before)
The Castle on the Hill. He had a plan when he went back to that forsaken place. Grab some gear, his adventuring partner and get out without a word spoken. He had no need to speak to her. His hand hovered over the exit door. Something forced him to turn around.
He was no longer in control, save for not crossing the barrier between them. A wooden door was all that stood between them. Physically, it would have been an easy task to break through. Emotionally... It may as well have been an impassible wall. The man would be damned if he didn't try to bridge that gap.
Man was the wrong term for what he was in that moment. He was a slathering beast, cornered, angry, bleeding. A monster. He roared and clawed at the barrier, trying to make her understand just a fraction of the pain that he felt. Partially healed wounds reopened, his guts spilling out as a pile of sopping red ropes. He demanded to be heard as he clawed and clawed at the barrier until his nails were filed down to nothing and his fingers painted bloody streaks across the wall.
A cold, half calculated response was fed back. "I didn't want you to think there was a chance." Rage filled the beast. A massive paw pressed against the door. What would he do if he broke through? Posture? Roar? Or something worse? What would it take for her to understand? For her to hurt like he did? His eyes shifted to the handle. Not that he needed to use it but... He huffed, roared a final threat to be taken seriously, a challenge to the corruptor and then left.
He felt powerful like this. A force of nature that could not be put down. Others were bleeding, but his blood was redder and he was stronger for fighting through it. He was going to survive this and let everyone know just how strong he was.
-----
The man wiped the wetness from his cheeks and looked down at his wounds. Some had stayed together through his... Rage induced transformation, but a few had grown jagged from being reopened and forced shut. The scar tissue around them bulged from the skin, badass to look at, but on display permanently for all to see. He groaned as he gathered himself and stood. He'd have to measure his response next time. If there was a next time.
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Katrumarius gets turned into a pickle its pickle katrumarius funniest shit ive ever seen
Comic Directory
Silly bonus panel that i am too tired to colour (it is 3 am)
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The Castle on the Hill, that was his name for it at least. It was certainly larger than they needed at the time, but there was a plan. A plan that, now, did not involve him.
As he approached the once golden meadows that surrounded his old home, he could feel his heart quicken. His hearing sharpened, eyes darted back and forth, ears rang until all noise sounded like it was right in front of him. He could feel his body turning, preparing for a fight that would never come. A trauma response.
"You know, you could always stay." He didn't have to turn to know who was speaking to him. With a huff he turned his head just enough to acknowledge her presence. She took the form of a grackle, a cunning creature, just like herself. "It is still yours."
"Fuck off Darkness." He grumbled in response.
"Yet you keep coming back," she sounded amused. "For what? Your little dog?"
The man was about to brush her off, but he paused. He stared over the tainted landscape. Patches of tainted soil laid bare, save for the creeping, thorn infested vine. The reason he said aloud was so The Li-... She could see their pet a few more times, but... It was only a partial truth.
Some part of him hoped that the taint would recede, that she would cut herself free of the corruption that plagued her. He didn't even want to be back, he just wanted to see her thrive in his absence, something that would have made his suffering that much easier to bear. It was too late though. The Corrupted. A new name. A way of life.
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The First Trial
A glint of light, and then silence. The man scanned the wall of trees for any other threats. His eyes and muscles twitched, expecting another creature to pounce on him from the shadows. His impatience got the better of him and he let out a sigh as he sheathed his blade. The journey into the unknown was... Easier than he expected, but everything wasn't as bad as the unhealed wounds The Light inflicted.
Maybe 'The Light' isn't a good name for it anymore. The Light was just a person after all. He could characterize it all he wanted, but if he stripped the past away and looked at her objectively... She was just another person. The image began to shift in his mind, causing his stomach to twist and turn. He shook his head to clear the thoughts.
"Focus on the now," he mumbled as he turned his attention to the slain creature on the ground.
It was mostly unknown to him, others had encountered it and he mostly steered clear of it before now. Its face was a featureless mask now. Before its face would shift into any number of people, each asking a question and prying to learn more about him. He engaged with the creature at first, spilling details about his trials with The Light. As he answered, the faces would begin to show an emotion. Disgust, confusion, anger, contempt. Eventually it stopped questioning and just stared, reading his own emotions in the responses. It then began to whisper.
Half-truths, lies and stories spilled from its many maws. The voices seemed to come from all around him. Panic set in, he needed to run, but it was too late. The words seemed to materialize around him, forming a dark sphere. The sphere tightened, threatening to crush him where he stood. He tried to push back against the voices, countering and clarifying, but the creature cared not. His heart began to beat uncontrolled, he couldn't breathe, he broke and began to sob.
He couldn't do this. He wanted to call Darkness to come save him, to pull him back to the comfort of solitude and to solidify his heart. He opened his mouth to scream, but something stopped him. There were others he had met. Other people travelling their own paths that made time to help him. Others, that knew the truth. And, to be fair, he'd been through worse.
He poked the thing with a stick a couple of times. He grumbled with irritation as its wounds began to heal. 'Gossip' is what he'd call it, and he decided that maybe it wasn't the best idea to talk to it.
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