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safespacespence · 2 years

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Easy Access (S.R.)

Summary: Spencer is insecure about wearing shorts. A/N: Boys in shorts are practical and cute. Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader Category: Smut (NSFW, 18+) Content Warning: Handjob, mild body insecurity (Spencer) Word Count: 850

MASTERLIST

For all his genius, Spencer Reid seemed to be the only person in the world incapable of seeing how attractive he was. From the moment you’d met him, you’d made it your mission to show him the truth of how literally every other person saw him.

Some days were harder than others. Today was a hard day, as evidenced by the uncomfortable grimace and his hands tugging at his clothing.

Specifically, he pulled on the loose fabric of his shorts. He tugged at it until it was taut, and he held them down at their lowest point like he would actually be able to hide enough of himself behind it.

But you were determined not to let him. You wouldn’t force the poor thing to do anything he didn’t want to do, but you also weren’t going to play fair.

He would forgive you later.

Wrapping your arms around his waist, you pressed your chest against his back. Spencer, ever gullible and naive, melted back into your embrace, unaware of the danger he’d put himself in.

“See? They’re not so bad,” you assure him.

It doesn’t work.

“I hate it,” he answers immediately.

But your smile doesn’t waver, even when your hands start to roam his lower stomach. You feel how he tenses when your fingertips slip under his shirt. You can see how he tries to readjust his shorts to hide the steadily growing erection.

It doesn’t work.

His hands are so busy trying to hide himself that he isn’t able to stop yours from dropping down and grabbing the bulge through the fabric. Immediately, you’re rewarded with a whimper that shoots through you like lightning.

You don’t relent. You are merciless as you start to palm him while simultaneously pressing kisses against his shoulder. You listen to the sound of his thready breath as his brain, ever moving, fails to catch up to what’s happening.

You don’t stop until his hand covers yours and holds it down. He presses you hard against his dick and he tries to catch his breath in the reprieve.

“Stop, you’re making them even tighter,” he whines, but you can tell by the way his pitch changes that stopping is the very last thing he wants you to do.

So, you kindly offer, “Here, let me help.”

Whatever it was he was expecting, it was not what you did. You know that because his shock earlier was nothing compared to the way his whole body shook when you shoved your hand down the front of his elastic waistband.

Spencer was positively trembling, barely able to stand up straight if not for your body holding him up. He doubled forward and grabbed hold of the dresser beside the mirror.

What he didn’t do, however, was anything close to asking you to stop. Instead, he just whined and bucked his hips against your hand that quickly wrapped around his dick.

“Isn’t this nice?” you purr in his ear.

He barely hears you over his own pathetic whimpering, but that doesn’t stop him from crying, “Yes.”

With tears in his eyes, he pleads in the form of your name. You use your free hand to cup his chin and force him to look up at you in the mirror. You force him to see the way his flushed cheeks hook as he struggles to breathe through the pleasure of your hand pumping beneath loose fabric.

And he’s mesmerized at the way the fabric billows. He looks for the outline of your hand with each upstroke. Spencer watches you work him beneath the veil, then looks up to finally see the wicked grin on your face.

The thrill of something new gets the best of him because it hasn’t even been that long, but he’s already riding the edge of pleasure. His mind is racing with all the different opportunities that are born just from a simple change of clothes.

He can imagine your hands slowly inching up his thighs before they slip underneath the hem of his shorts. His mind is quick to picture how easy it would be for you to pull stretchy fabric down when you’re on your knees. How there would be no pesky buttons or buckles to hold you back.

You feel his stomach tensing harder and his breath growing heavy. Spencer looks down to see how your hand disappears beneath his shorts, and he is hardly able to move fast enough not to make a mess.

He tugs the waistband down and puts his hand over yours right before he finishes. You both hold him as he makes a mess in his hand. While he is mostly still, you continue a slow rhythm up and down the length of him until you feel him relax.

And when his hand finally slides off the dresser and he meets your eyes in the mirror again, you giggle.

“See?” you explain with a smile, “I told you they aren’t so bad.”

(Tell me what you thought of this fic here!)

Reid Taglist: @dreatine , @shilohpug , @draw-back-your-bow , @gspenc ,@trxshpandax , @hopefulfangirl24 , @a-broken-pact , @lotties-journey-abroad , @beeblisss , @reidsbookclub ,@probablycryingg , @allthecolorsneverseen , @lovingloony , @sydneekomspacekru , @random-human-person , @laurakirsten0502 , @dontcallmekittens , @sapphic-prentiss , @rintheemolion , @andreasworlsboring101 , @imsuperawkward , @violetclifford , @averyhotchner ,@itsmytimetoodream , @strictlyforliterarypurposes , @auspiciousharriet , @thotforcriminalminds , @spencerreidsmommy , @wentz2005 , @liaaacantwrite , @blxndeprincess , @winterwhore , @safespacespence , @mrsobrien888 , @jayyeahthatsme

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safespacespence · 2 years

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Hello, friends! This is Sarah (formerly @/reidactually) with a little update: I deactivated back in January for health reasons, and in the past few months, my life has improved quite a bit. I’ve been writing like a fiend, and I missed quite a few of you. So I made a blog for my multi-chapter fic Shallows, and will be posting updates here as I update on AO3. Writing was the whole point of joining Tumblr, right? I’m using my old taglist, so if you want to be added/removed/if we were mutuals before, just send me an ask or a DM, or feel free to pop in and say hello :)

I will be updating later today, so just a heads up! Synopsis and taglist under the cut!

Keep reading

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safespacespence · 2 years

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Only Yours

Summary: After getting jealous at work Spencer reminds you who you belong to

Request: please smut with lots of dirty talk and teasing after Y/N accidentally turns on Spencer during work at the BAU

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader Category: Smut Content Warnings: 18+, minors DNI! dom/sub undertones (Dom!Spencer, Sub!Reader), secret relationship, possessiveness, jealousy, teasing, use of good girl and sir, hair pulling, oral (male and female receiving), fingering, unprotected penetrative sex Word count: 3k

Masterlist

Only two more hours until you could finally leave after another day of paperwork, your whole team being stuck to their desks to finish up reports. You didn’t mind, not with Spencer sitting right across from you, making eye contact and smiling at you every now and then. Concealing your relationship status while being surrounded by profilers was challenging to say the least but you weren’t ready to share this part of your life with them yet.

In those months of being with Spencer you became an expert at controlling your micro expressions at work to not risk anyone finding out how deeply you cared about your coworker. He tried to do the same but something very interesting didn’t remain unnoticed to your trained eye. Whenever more than two weeks passed without being able to be alone with him you caught him randomly glimpsing at the curves of your body almost blatantly.

He hadn’t noticed you looking up from your computer, watching him as he stared at the swell of your breasts, deep in thoughts or even fantasies. Smirking to yourself, you decided to cease the situation and have some fun with your boyfriend. You placed your fingers on the neckline of your blouse, tracing the fabric until you found the first button to toy with it. That seemed to snap Spencer out of his reverie, his eyes shooting up to yours while a rosy shade spread over his cheeks.

You winked at him right before he averted his eyes, audibly clearing his throat before trying to focus back on the files in front of him while shifting in his seat. Feeling a bit cocky, you decided to go over to his desk to be close enough to tease him some more without risking someone else hearing you.

There was a little too much enthusiasm in your movement, causing you to bump into Emily as you shot up from your desk and stepped aside. You felt cool liquid spilling all over your top and making you gasp at the sensation before you saw the now empty glass of water in your coworker's hand and the horror in her eyes. Looking down your body you found the light gray fabric of your blouse completely soaked and appearing sheer as it stuck to your chest, the black lace of your bra clearly visible.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry!” Emily exclaimed and added, “I’m getting you a towel!”

You started giggling and thanked the universe for at least wearing a bra today, finding the whole situation more comical than embarrassing. Derek got up from his seat and moved over to you, raising one eyebrow as he looked you up and down.

“Whoa, are we having a Wet-T-Shirt contest I didn’t know about?” He teased.

You shook your head and laughed, “Only in your dreams, Derek!”

“Yeah, you bet!” He chuckled before being hit playfully on his arm by Emily who just came back with a towel.

You took it from her and started to dry your blouse off as well as you could, glancing over at Spencer who was staring at you with furrowed brows and a slack jaw. Derek followed your line of sight and smirked.

“I think pretty boy’s brain is glitching.”

Spencer hissed, “Shut up,” in Derek’s direction and looked back down at the report in front of him. There was no need to be a profiler to tell that Spencer was angry but you couldn’t be sure whether it was directed at you or at the situation in general.

All this commotion quickly simmered down with everyone returning back to their desks. Just like before you looked up from your computer every once in a while but unlike earlier Spencer’s eyes were never on you for the rest of the workday. After he put away the last of his files he packed up his things and walked over to your desk. You had finished your last report twenty minutes ago and waited for him to be ready, unsure if your plans for tonight were still on.

He smiled at you and wondered, “Do you need help finishing up?”

You shook your head and grabbed your bag, ready to leave work for the day. Since you lived in the same part of the city the two of you had been carpooling for months, not raising any suspicions from your coworkers when you left together.

Sitting in the passenger seat of your car, Spencer was concerningly quiet but seemed agitated, constantly shifting and running his hands through his hair. You took in a deep breath before you dared to break the silence.

“Are you mad at me?”

His face instantly turned to you with a startled expression as you averted your eyes from the road for a second to look at him.

“Of course not. Why would I be?”

He tried to sound genuine but a certain undertone didn’t go unnoticed by you. He heard it too.

“What’s going on?” You wanted to know.

“It’s nothing. Really.”

You didn’t buy it and demanded, “Tell me.”

Spencer sighed and looked at the satchel in his lap, his fingers fidgeting with the strap. Your right hand left the wheel for a moment to touch his, gently squeezing it in an attempt to comfort him.

When he didn’t say anything you added, “Please, Spencer. Talk to me.”

“It’s just that… I didn’t like the way Derek looked at you earlier. I wish I could have said something,” he confessed.

You didn’t want to downplay his feelings but you felt the need to remind him, “You know how he is. He just loves teasing and flirting. You have heard the way he talks to Penelope.”

“I know,” he admitted, “It’s just that today you…you looked so…”

“So what?”

Another sigh rolled over his lips before he mumbled, “So sexy.”

That made you smile but you couldn’t let it go just yet.

“I see. So you don’t like when I look sexy?”

“Of course I do! You know that, “ he paused for a moment before adding, “I just don’t want Derek to look at you like that.”

The car came to a halt at a red light. You knew exactly what you were doing when you looked at him and purred, “Maybe you should remind me who I really belong to.”

His demeanor changed in an instant, his eyes getting darker while he licked his lips as he let his eyes wander over your body. When he met your eyes again he asked, “Is that what you want?”

The traffic light switched to green and you whispered, “Yes,” before setting the car in motion again. You didn’t know what he was planning on doing, your thoughts moving faster than any vehicle ever could. Images of past moments you spent with him flashed through your mind, causing your heart to race and your insides to tingle. You knew not to expect him to do anything while you were driving but your whole body was yearning for his touch and the few minutes separating you from the privacy of your own home seemed endless to you.

The anticipation only grew after finally making it to your apartment. Expectantly you watched Spencer who took his time to remove his coat and shoes. He liked to keep you waiting, to make you prove your patience. A smirk was prominent on his face as he looked at you, by now practically buzzing with tension as you waited for him to take the lead.

And he did, with harsh hands grabbing your face and demanding lips meeting yours, kissing you with a fervor that made you feel light-headed. His tongue didn’t hesitate to seek entrance, brushing against yours while your hands gripped his shirt to keep you steady. There was no way of knowing for how long you had kissed but it was long enough to make your head spin and every rational thought leave your mind.

Your bodies pressed into each other, displaying affection and lust with panties getting damp and a hardness straining against its confines. Spencer suddenly let go of you, moving to your bedroom and sitting on the edge of the bed, having you follow him without question. You stood in front of him, waiting for his next move as you watched him remove his tie and shirt.

“Take your clothes off,” he ordered.

His eyes never left your body while you slowly removed every piece of fabric. Unabashed, his gaze wandered over every curve and dip of your skin while he licked his lips as if he was ready to consume you. His obvious desire ignited a fire inside you, heat rushing through you as he beckoned you closer with his forefinger.

Completely bare you stood in front of him, his fingertips brushing over the skin of your thighs and hips, provokingly skipping over your aching center until your knees felt weak. He placed a soft kiss on your belly and mumbled, “You’re so beautiful,” against your skin. He looked up at you with the utmost adoriation in his eyes as if he wanted to make sure you knew he worshiped you, almost contradicting his dominant demeanor.

“Just tell me to stop and we will. Do you understand?”

You nodded and added, “Yes,” to reassure him.

Once he had your consent he harshly grabbed your hips to pull you down, urging you to kneel on the floor in front of him. Doe-eyed you looked up at him as his thumb traced the seam of your lips.

“Such a pretty mouth,” he cooed, “now be a good girl and show me how it feels wrapped around my cock.”

“Yes, sir,” you purred as your hands instantly flew to his pants, undoing them quickly and removing them, his erection finally free from its confines.

“Such an eager girl,” he chuckled at your enthusiasm.

You wrapped your hand around the base of his cock and kissed his tip before letting your tongue glide along the vein on the underside. Soft lips brushed over velvety skin, not letting any part of him unkissed. You felt him twitch, knowing he would get impatient soon if you didn’t grant him what he asked you to. However, you haven’t been with him for so long and wanted to relish this moment, so you kept tenderly kissing every bit of him.

“Don’t be a tease,” he finally warned.

Keen on pleasing him you wrapped your lips around him, sinking down as far as your throat would allow it. Spencer threw his head back, involuntarily bucking his hips up, pushing further into your mouth as he groaned. You moved your lips along his hardness, feeling how he tensed underneath you, his chest heaving and hands gripping the sheets. He lowered his eyes to look at you and when he found you still staring up at him you felt him twitch against your tongue.

“Fuck!” he panted, “You look so hot with my cock in your mouth.”

Seeing him come undone at your ministrations made your core throb, making you humm around his hardness. When he came close to his breaking point his hands flew to your hair, grabbing it roughly to pull you off him before he lost himself. His length was glistening with your saliva, still hard and waiting to find release. However, Spencer was not done with you yet which is why he helped you get up from the floor.

Just like before you stood in front of him with him still sitting on the edge of the bed. One of his hands made contact with your heat without a warning, collecting your slick as his fingers glided through your folds. His touch was too light to actually grant you any relief, having you rock against his hand in an attempt to get what you were hoping for.

“Please,” you whimpered.

“You’re dripping wet,” he chuckled as he pulled his hand back, inspecting his glistening digits.

He got up from the bed to stand in front of you, bringing his hand to your face.

“Look what I’m doing to you,” he teased, “already a mess before I have even touched you.”

Without thinking about it you grabbed his wrist and brought his fingers to your mouth, sucking them clean from your own arousal, never breaking eye-contact. Spencer groaned at your action and for a second the lines of who was in charge seemed to be blurred. Not for long though, after a moment he pulled his hand back and grabbed you by your shoulders to guide you onto the mattress.

He joined you on the bed and started kissing you, still being able to taste your heady flavor on your tongue. He left your mouth to explore your neck instead, biting and licking sensitive skin as he moved further down your body. He took his time to caress your breasts, kissing soft skin and licking over hardened peaks, eliciting the sweetest sounds from your throat.

You wondered if this was what he was thinking about when you caught him staring at you earlier. The more desperate you got, the slower Spencer seemed to move down your body and the fire burning between your legs became almost unbearable. When he finally was where you wanted him you eagerly opened your legs for him, allowing him to settle between them and continue his kisses on the insides of your thighs. He took his time to caress every inch of skin except from the place you wanted to feel him the most.

“Please,” you pleaded, hoping he would understand what you wanted.

“Patience,” is all he had to say to that.

You were getting frustrated with him, the throbbing in your core aching to be soothed. His lips got closer to where you wanted him, his breath hot against even more heated skin, but he decided to turn his attention back to your thigh once more. You couldn’t take it for much longer.

“Fuck, Spencer I’m begging you!”

In an instant his mouth was where you wanted it, ending his teasing at last as his tongue glided through your folds once before focussing on your bundle of nerves. He seemed determined to grant you release without any more diversions, being aware that you would soon reach a limit if he didn’t. You ground against his face while singing his praise in the forms of moans and sighs rolling from your lips.

Two of his fingers thrusted into you while his tongue flicked over the crest of your crevice, sending you in a state of pure bliss. All the built up tension was begging to be released as you chased your ecstasy. Your walls clenched around his fingers, holding onto him tightly right before they started to pulsate as he sent you over the edge. Erratically you rocked against his tongue, riding out your high until you relaxed underneath him at last.

Spencer repositioned himself, leaning over you and propping himself up on his forearms before gently kissing your lips. He gave you a moment to catch your breath before reaching between your bodies to position himself at your entrance and pushing into you slowly. Your body welcomed him without any resistance, letting him fill you out completely. As he started to move, you closed your eyes, indulging in the sensation of being one with him.

“He can dream of you all he wants,” Spencer suddenly groaned, having you open your eyes and look at him.

It took you a moment to realize what he was talking about, having long forgotten everything that had happened today.

Spencer thrusted into you harder now, accelerating his pace before he continued, “He can dream of you but he will never know what it’s like to have you.”

He leaned down to kiss you hastily while pushing into you at a relentless pace.

“What it’s like to kiss you,” he added, “to feel you… to taste you.”

He looked down to where your bodies were joined, watching his cock disappear inside of you over and over again.

“What it’s like to fuck you,” he panted against your lips before kissing you once more.

“I’m yours, Spencer,” you mumbled against his mouth, “I’m only yours.”

The whole bed shook at the force of his thrusts, your body starting to tremble underneath him as you reached another high, your throbbing center guiding him towards his own climax. He buried his face in the crook of your neck as he fucked you roughly against the mattress, whispering, “You’re mine,” into your ear several times until he let himself fall apart and spilled his release into you.

As he came down from his high he pushed himself up to be able to look at you. Gently he placed his lips on yours before he whispered, “And I’m yours.”

His body was covered in a sheen of sweat, his hair disheveled and cheeks tinted red but you could have sworn he had never looked more beautiful than in this moment. Your hand found his face, tenderly brushing a stray curl aside while you smiled at him.

“I like the sound of that,” you purred as you pulled him back down into your embrace.

It took him a moment to even out his breathing while he laid completely jaded inside your arms. Lazily he peppered the side of your face with kisses as your fingertips drew comforting circles on his back. You didn’t want to move, not even when Spencer had long gone soft and the mixed remains of your desire started dripping out of you. Neither of you dared to separate what belonged together, so you stayed safely secured inside each other's arms for a little while longer.

Let me know what you think here!

Taglist: @nomajdetective @reidsbookclub @spookydrreid @safespacespence @gspenc @justreadingficsdontmindme @samuel-de-champagne-problems @sinfulspencer @matthew-gray-gubler-lover @delicatespencer

also tagging @dumblittlebitch420 since it's your request!

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safespacespence · 2 years

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i was withholding photos that i didnt find cute and this man was like I WANT THAT ONE GIMME bc i didnt send it to him

simp hoe

#unfortunately my man is on tumblr so he has to block this so i can gossip about him

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safespacespence · 2 years

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forever winter — spencer reid

summary: after tobias hankel, reader can see their boyfriend struggling and reminds him that love means supporting him through the harshest of winters. request?: no pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader category: angst with hopeful ending content warnings: mentions of tobias hankel incident, discussions of addiction (spencer), discussions of suicidal ideation (spencer) word count: 2.3k a/n: hi friends, so here's the next fic in the reid from the vault collection. this one is deeply personal to me and covers a lot of serious topics. please remember to take care of yourself always and take breaks when you need. also, a huge thank you to my lovely lovely betas @reidsbookclub & @lcvingprentjss for helping me with this and making it so much better, as always this fic wouldn't have gotten anywhere without them. i love my friends, and i only feel a little bad for making them scream about this fic ❤

masterlist reid from the vault masterlist

Everyone assured you that Spencer was fine.

When you’d arrived at the hospital in Georgia just hours after getting that haunting call, Penelope had hugged you and promised they’d all be there for him. JJ had apologized for ever letting him get hurt—to which you repeatedly assured her it was no one’s fault but the bastard who’d taken your boyfriend. Derek Morgan had sat with you in that tiny waiting room while Spencer slept off dying. He nudged your arm and cracked a joke whenever you got too lost in your thoughts, in the visuals of what could have possibly happened to the man you loved. When you worked up the courage to ask Emily Prentiss what happened to him, she sighed and told you that Spencer wouldn’t want you to carry that pain with you—you knew she was right, but that didn’t make it sting any less. Even Hotch, once he could finally step away from all the paperwork that comes with being the Unit Chief in an incident like this, promised you that he would do anything it took to make sure you and Spencer were okay.

Your boyfriend was in good hands, that was what you’d learned that night. So when he stopped cuddling you as often, and when he began avoiding date nights out of the apartment, you weren’t as worried as you might’ve been before. It was easy to tell yourself that this was a normal part of Spencer’s recovery, that if he was really struggling he had the team to lean on. You told yourself he didn’t need you for this.

But suddenly, you couldn’t remember the last date you’d gone on, and you cried the night you realized you hadn’t heard Spencer truly laugh since before he’d been held hostage.

As you sat beside him at the next team dinner, you saw the way his cheeks had sunken in and the dark circles ever-present under his eyes had grown impossibly deeper. You noticed that while he still held up his end of conversations, his golden eyes didn’t shine like they used to. You knew Spencer’s smile like the back of your hand, it was the kind of smile that could illuminate the entire room but now it barely glowed. This was forced, more of a wince than anything else.

No one else seemed to notice. Except, that wasn’t true, was it? While you didn’t know everything about Spencer’s job, you did know they analyzed peoples’ behaviors. If they could figure out the behaviors of strangers, certainly this team of ‘experts’ could figure out when one of their own was struggling. And under that new light, you saw it.

You saw the way Hotch averted his gaze when Spencer would give that false smile. Gideon never once looked at your boyfriend, tried his best not to spend too long talking to him where before those two could’ve been in a corner talking all night. JJ and Derek had those looks about them when Spencer spoke up, the kind that came when someone was in mourning. Whenever Penelope looked at Spencer, she looked ready to cry right then and there.

They knew.

These people he called family had known he was struggling and never once helped him. Had they even thought about telling you? When would they have said anything, when it was too late to bring him back from whatever dark place he’d fallen to?

The car ride was silent after the dinner. You drove with fully-clenched hands gripped tight to the steering wheel, blinking to keep your vision clear against the tears. Spencer sat in the passenger seat, hands picking at the ends of his sleeves.

“What did I do?” he asked when you threw your coat onto the back of the couch upon returning home. And that, no, no that couldn’t happen.

“Spencer, you didn’t do anything,” you sighed, running your hands through your hair and barely wincing at the roughness of it. “Your team, they—”

“If this is about Derek’s comment on your shoes, he was joking. They all love you, do—”

“How long have you been struggling?”

It was like that one simple question sucked out every ounce of oxygen in the room. Spencer gasped, standing there with lips parted in shock and dull eyes wide. It broke your heart to see the proof of what you’d feared right there in front of you—no one had bothered to ask him before.

“I’m fine,” Spencer tried, dipping his head down so those curls you loved so much would hide his face.

“You’re not,” you pressed, feeling your throat tightening with the effort to hold back your tears. “You’ve been hurting for weeks and no one said anything, I didn’t say anything.”

“Darling, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Spencer, please, you have to talk to someone about it. You can’t keep all of this inside, it’ll tear you apart,” you begged, stepping closer and wincing when he took an uncharacteristic step back. “Please.”

“You won’t understand if I told you,” Spencer tried once again, head still tipped down and turned to the side so you couldn’t see. Even now he was trying to shield you from all that pain built up inside of him. At the hospital he’d immediately given you a brilliant smile, trying to make sure you never saw him too hurt. From the very beginning Spencer had told you he hadn’t wanted you to be affected by his job. You were kind and trusting of everyone, and you were innocent, and free from any of the trauma that came from hunting the worst of the worst. To him, you were everything he could never be anymore.

“Help me understand, then,” you tried once more to close the distance but it felt impossible now. Spencer had gone somewhere he didn’t want you to follow—it was almost like a part of him had never quite been recovered that night in Georgia, left abandoned on a dirty cabin floor.

“I don’t want you to understand!”

Spencer didn’t often yell. He wasn’t the type to lose his temper, not when he’d been taught to fear such bouts of anger. But here he was, chest heaving and eyes wild with the most emotion you’d seen in them since all of this.

“I’m your partner, I’m here to understand. You don’t have to be alone in this,” you told him, tears now streaming steadily down your cheeks despite your best efforts. “You never have to be alone again, just let me in.”

“I wish I’d stayed dead that night, Y/N, is that what you really want to hear?”

God. The words slammed straight into your chest, the kind of pain that burrowed deep into your soul to find its new home. You knew it had been bad, you knew that Spencer had been struggling with the unthinkable alone for far longer than he ever should have, but never once had you imagined it had gotten this bad. “I don’t think I want to be here anymore.”

“Oh, Spencer,” you breathed out, and the moment your hands were on him his body crumpled. He melted into you, wrapping his arms as tightly around your frame as he could manage. His head tucked into your shoulder and you felt his tears against your neck. Suddenly it was like weeks of struggle unleashed at that moment. All you could do was hold him tightly through each broken sob, rubbing his back and whispering sweet words you weren’t sure reached his ears. “I didn’t know, I didn’t know you were hurting this much,” you told him when the cries subsided, “I am so sorry.”

“I didn’t want you to see me like this,” Spencer admitted in a small voice as you led him over to the couch. He must have been exhausted from the sudden release of all that emotion, practically flopping onto the couch and immediately wrapping himself back around you. “I thought I could do it on my own.”

“Hey, I love you, you dork,” you told him immediately, resting your hand against his cheek and brushing away a few tears that slipped down it. “I’m here for you no matter what. I will still love you in your darkest moments, that’s what it means to love and be loved.”

“I’m having a hard time believing it right now,” Spencer admitted softly. “No one cared. I know it’s not their problem but they said they’d be there.”

“I know, Spencer.” You wished it had been different, you wished they had been there for him. You wished you had been there for him from the start, that he never would question if he truly wanted to be around. There was no taking that back, but now, now you have a chance to make it right. “But try to believe one thing for me, okay? Please know I will always be there for you. I need you to stay alive. If at first you have to stay alive for me, or the next book on your to-read list, or the team, that’s fine. But please do it, because the world would be grey without you in it.”

“I think I need help,” Spencer admitted, finally reaching out for you. His hands took hold of yours, thumbs gently rubbing over your skin. It killed you to see him like this—hair unwashed and disheveled, eyes dulled and swimming with tears, lips still quivering as he fought to maintain his newly-found composure—and you wished you could do more, but there were some things you just weren’t capable of.

“I think you do too,” you answered softly, “and I’m proud of you for admitting it.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“Well too bad,” you pushed, “because I am. I’m proud of you for letting me in, and I’m proud of you for asking for help. None of that is easy.”

“There’s more I haven’t told you,” Spencer admitted softly, sending your stomach dropping through the floor. What else could possibly be going on? If the fact that he was struggling with a sense of purpose wasn’t the worst of it, then what else could there be.

“You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready,” you told him, squeezing his hands once more to let him know you were there. You would always be there, even when navigating this situation correctly seemed near impossible. You’d make mistakes, and he would too, but you just had to hope that the two of you could make it through it safely.

“I think you know I was having dreams, after,” Spencer began softly. Of course you had. Those first few nights after Georgia had been unbearable—Spencer waking in the middle of the night screaming and lashing out. He’d bruised your limbs on more than one occasion in his all-out panic, but that hadn’t even been the worst of it. Eventually, the screams had turned to pained whimpers and pleading that still haunted your mind. “I found a way to make it go away.”

“Spencer,” you began, feeling dread creeping over your skin.

“When I was...,” Spencer began, opening and closing his mouth a few times as he fought for the right words. “He tried to help me. He gave me Dilaudid to ease the pain and I...I couldn’t stop.”

What words could ever be enough?

Suddenly all of it made sense—the irritation, the distance he was building between everyone, that haunted look in his eyes you’d assumed was leftover from the incident, even the way he’d begun gently grabbing at his inner elbow when he was stressed, like he was subconsciously clinging to it for comfort. How had you missed this?

“It’s gonna be okay,” you told him, voice betraying your fear as it wobbled around the words. You didn’t know what to expect from the coming days, only knowing that it would be tough. This would be the toughest fight you and Spencer would have to face, but you knew that you would do it together. No matter what, you were in for the long haul. “I promise, Sweet Pea, it’s all gonna be okay.”

“How?” The tears renewed their journey down his face as he melted back into your arms. This would soon become a familiar scene for the both of you—Spencer clinging to you for comfort as he fought all of the dangerous thoughts in his head and the physical effects daring him to act on them. “How can it ever be okay again?”

“I don’t know, Sweet Pea, but you just have to trust that things will get better,” you answered honestly, pulling him a little closer so he wouldn’t see the way your expression broke. “We’ll get you someone professional to talk to, and if you tell me where everything is I can take care of it for you. If you want this off the record, I can make some calls and figure out how to help you through withdrawals. You can call Hotch for a few days off, or I can call him if you’d rather.”

“Can you?”

“Of course, Spencer,” you told him. “Whatever it takes, okay? We’ll get through this together.”

“I really love you,” Spencer murmured against your neck.

“I love you too. How are you feeling?”

“Like you gave me hope. I haven’t felt that in weeks, thank you.” There would be many ‘thank you’s to come, and each time you’d gently kiss him and remind him that there was no need. There would be bad days and there would be better ones, but each time you would hold onto him and promise that everything would be better soon, that you were always there for him.

This was love in its most simplest form: staying through the harsh winters and cherishing the day the sun would finally shine down on you and Spencer again.

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safespacespence · 2 years

Text

“love is a vast word.” he says, doubtful. and without a second to let his words hang in the air, she says, “and somehow exploring its vastness is the greatest adventure i could ever embark on.”

#just thinking about this line today

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safespacespence · 2 years

Text

forever winter — spencer reid

masterlist reid from the vault masterlist

Everyone assured you that Spencer was fine.

But suddenly, you couldn’t remember the last date you’d gone on, and you cried the night you realized you hadn’t heard Spencer truly laugh since before he’d been held hostage.

They knew.

“What did I do?” he asked when you threw your coat onto the back of the couch upon returning home. And that, no, no that couldn’t happen.

“Spencer, you didn’t do anything,” you sighed, running your hands through your hair and barely wincing at the roughness of it. “Your team, they—”

“If this is about Derek’s comment on your shoes, he was joking. They all love you, do—”

“How long have you been struggling?”

“I’m fine,” Spencer tried, dipping his head down so those curls you loved so much would hide his face.

“You’re not,” you pressed, feeling your throat tightening with the effort to hold back your tears. “You’ve been hurting for weeks and no one said anything, I didn’t say anything.”

“Darling, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I don’t want you to understand!”

“I wish I’d stayed dead that night, Y/N, is that what you really want to hear?”

“I’m having a hard time believing it right now,” Spencer admitted softly. “No one cared. I know it’s not their problem but they said they’d be there.”

“I think you do too,” you answered softly, “and I’m proud of you for admitting it.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“Well too bad,” you pushed, “because I am. I’m proud of you for letting me in, and I’m proud of you for asking for help. None of that is easy.”

“Spencer,” you began, feeling dread creeping over your skin.

What words could ever be enough?

“Can you?”

“Of course, Spencer,” you told him. “Whatever it takes, okay? We’ll get through this together.”

“I really love you,” Spencer murmured against your neck.

“I love you too. How are you feeling?”

This was love in its most simplest form: staying through the harsh winters and cherishing the day the sun would finally shine down on you and Spencer again.

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