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Living Lost
TW! Mentions of depression and suicide
I'm lost. Not in the literal, physical sense. I know where my body is, but the rest of me isn't quite here. I watch my life go by like someone else is living it. The masks I wear are good, and the therapy and the meds keep me from going too far, but I am barely here.
Some days I wonder if I am even real. I feel like an NPC, with so little free will and nothing to make me happy. Oh I laugh and smile, I socialize some and spend time with my family. I'm trying everything I have been taught. But since my failed attempt to leave the Mortal Coil a year ago, I feel hollow and empty. My body didn't die back then, but I wonder if part of my soul did.
Back when I had someone in my life I could count on for anything, I felt so alive. Depression was still there, but I had something, someone, to live for, to love, and to pour my soul into. When they left, I lost it all. It took me a week to break down enough to try the first time.
I lay in bed staring at the beam on the roof. I looked to the rope I had and saw in my minds eye how easy it would be. So I tied the rope, though I'm terrible at knots. When I kicked the stool away, it hurt, but I wasn't afraid. I blacked out, but woke up hours later on the floor. My knot had failed.
That next night I looked up the lethal dose of several of my medications. One of them had a lethal amount of about 25 of the pills. I took a whole 3 month supply in about ten minutes, 90 pills. Nothing happened somehow, I just felt a bit queasy.
So the next day I drove to a dam. I live in an area with many dams, so it was easy to find one no one was at. I'm not afraid of death, I know when the time comes to meet the Reaper I will honor them. But I am afraid of dieing. I couldn't jump. I knew this wouldn't be a quite slip into oblivion. I could well survive to slowly die at the bottom.
I called my grandmother, she came for me and helped me get into a mental hospital. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, but the meds, they changed me. I didn't feel destroyed anymore, just separated from myself.
Now I'm here. Still in the same home, though I have a new job, but nevertheless trapped and lost at the same time. I just want to run, but I have no where to go. The world is so very large, but I can't break free from my small corner of it.
One day, I hope I can find someone to reignite the light inside me. Someone worth pulling myself together, someone to love with all that I am.
Lost, but Living
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Deathworlders
It has become a major topic of late that humans could be perceived as an absolutely insane race to the galactic community, assuming that most sapient species evolved on more ‘Paradise Planets’. For instance, humans are insanely good at adapting to different environments and can consume a huge number of things that are poisonous to other species. One of my favorite ideas that I came across recently is that perhaps humans make the ideal search and rescue species due to our ability to track, even untrained humans can often come up with the right ideas when tracking even if we don’t fully understand why.
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Xelaqua was completely and totally lost, had been for three local days. Xe’d been playing with the other Klitori children around the edge of the forest here on M’Jang, a relatively new colony of the Klitori Union on D’Nik. The moon was a beautiful world, but a dangerous one. Klitori scales could keep most of the radiation from the gas giant they orbit at bay, but they still were advised not to go out after planetrise.
Xelaqua had been chasing a Zo, a small, brightly colored, winged insectoid being. Being an adolecent, xe could move fairly quickly, but his arms were still short and pudgy, meaning catching the little zo had taken some time and the climbing of a very old tree of some kind. That was when xe’d realized xe was in fact very lost. Xelaqua had roamed for three days now, hiding in the roots of old trees by the river bank or in small caves during the planet day, and trying to find the colony elsewhen. The problem came when a magora, a large predator, had attacked xim. The six eyes and sharp fangs had been all Xelaqua had really seen, as it bit his tail and thrashed him into a tree.
Xelaqua woke up some hours later, confused and frightend as the planet was overhead. The pain took a moment to set in, but come it did. A broken arm was painful but not too bad, xe had three others after all, but the missing tail was a major issue. Klitori slither along the ground, lacking legs, but with four arms. A Klitor without a tail can’t move very well, as their arms are somewhat weak due to their homeworld’s low gravity. Xelaqua was going to die out here, alone in the forest. It was odd that the magora had decided to only eat xis tail, but that was a mystery for another time. Xelaqua slowly crawled under the roots of the tree, cradling xis broken arm and doing xis best not to look at the stump where xis tail had been. Klitori don’t have the same kind of vascular system we’re used to, so bleeding out isn’t actually an issue. Which is almost unfortunate for the young Xelaqua, as starvation will set in soon.
Another day passes, Xelaqua only venturing far enough to drink from the small steam. Nothing nearby looks edible, but xe moves so slow that xe can’t go far. Hours later, as Xelaqua sings quietly to ximself in his little hiding hole, xe hears a stange sound. Something almost like someone calling for xim, but the pronunciation was dreadful, something not Klitori at all. While Xelaqua knew not to talk to strangers, this might be xis only hope of survival. Calling out was hard, exhaustion was a major issue, but the sounds drew closer.
Human. Xelaqua had heard of them. Insane predators, violent, brilliant, and hardy. It was hard to imagine a sapient mammal, but here it was, calling out to others to come.
“Help need you. Xelaqua you?” Xelaqua almost giggled at the strange way it talked, obviously knowing some words in Klitori Majoris, but not much. Regardless he answered yes as they were lifting him up.
Xelaqua was amazed at the speed at which humans could move. They had set his arm (ouch!), sanitized and wrapped his tail, and given him some food and water from the colony all in less that ten minutes. They moved through the forest in a way Xelaqua had only ever seen on TV shows about predators on death worlds, where the prey might kill you as likely as other predators. Quick, silent, and most frighteningly, hard to see. Xe’d watched the other humans move about around the one carrying xim, a human named Cuthbert, but they seemed to vanish and reappear later.
Being saved was amazing, getting saved by the galaxies greatest trackers was something else entirely. And they suggested that they might be able to regrow his tale, as reptiles on their world often had the ability. They’d have someone look into it. What an insane world they must live on if regrowing limbs is something that animals can just do.
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Our mats are totally aweful, buuuuuut one of our manager got sick of it and ordered all new ones! Except that saint 'accedently' ordered twice as many as needed, and then stacked them. Regional manager noticed, removed them from three registers, took a picture for his boss, and put them back without a word.
Can we please talk about this for a second. Even for someone without nerve/joint/whatever pain, how the FUCK does this sound healthy? “You get a break say every 2 hours, you can sit for about 15 minutes,and get a one hour lunch break”.
Let’s break this down. That’s one hour and a half for let’s say an 8 hour shift. Doing the math with percentages, this means a cashier is still on their feet (standing) with minimal movement change (no stools, or a PATHETIC “fatigue mat” that is really only a few centimeters thick) for 80% of their shift. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HEALTHY?
I have talked to NUMEROUS cashiers who have said they’ve been diagnosed with osteoarthritis (a form of very painful joints), spider veins, and even nerve damage from being a cashier because their companies refuse to use proper ergonomics (the science to basically helping prevent work based injuries by taking preventative steps) to help their cashiers out. These cashiers were all in their 20s and 30s, by the way.
This has always MYSTIFIED me. Why, oh WHY do people think that people standing with minimal movement for 80% of their shift is somehow healthy, even with minimal health problems? CEOs, I know we are just fucking numbers to you, but actually fucking talk to your cashiers. Look at the NUMEROUS studies showing how this is NOT HEALTHY AT ALL and is an anatomical time bomb for something bad to happen to us!
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I face this kind of stuff all the time, as I am in a wheelchair. It used to really get to me, and even made me fear for my job a couple times. Until some said this stuff in front of my assistant manager, store manager, and THE FREAKING REGIONAL MANAGER. I thought, yep this is it, until my assistant told the customer "One day he is going to be my boss, so I think firing him will be aweful hard".
This got the regional and store manager talking and I ended up with a promotion within a couple weeks. Just to dept manager but still, it is a huge step up. They told me management just did not really know I was particularly good at my job, because my dept is always PERFECT. They assumed it was that manager, but like the ASM said, it is the same dept manager for 15 years. They don't go from good to perfect all of a sudden. It really is the associates sometimes. Just because I am in a wheelchair does not mean I am not a good employee. Not to mention, the customer got mad because I refused to pierce her tounge! Walmart does NOT do that.
No customer, no worker, no random person, has any right to tell you that you don’t deserve something based on your race, disability, language, ethnicity, gender or anything else. I witnessed the ugly side (the only side) of ableism today from a real lovely lady who blatantly, and in front of 20+ other customers, claimed that a cashier, who was a deaf black woman, did not deserve her job. She outright said that we should fire her on the spot. Why? Because this cashier didn’t put this woman’s wipes in a bag. What gives her or anyone else the right to treat a fellow human being this way, screaming and yelling about a situation that should not have even be an issue. I just don’t understand how you even have the balls to yell like that at 3 managers, including the head store manager, about how you think this wonderful cashier should not have a job.
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That is totally how I feel! I have my college degree and all that shit but I LOVE my job. I want to be a store manager one day and I really intend to do it. For now having my own set of dept is good enough but I litterally love my store, my other associates, and the whole idea of retail.
So tonight I was in charge of the store for about three whole hours. This is a pretty big thing, since we’re a large supermarket and it was literally my first ever shift as a supervisor and they put me? In charge? Of closing the place? Which means they trust me a lot/think I’m capable of doing the right stuff.
Somewhere between realising I was in charge and really good at it and joking around with my workmates, I realised I actually love my job? And I’m genuinely excited to go to work now! So that is a cool thing.
It’s weird, because I always act like I don’t want to work because, y'know, that’s how everyone feels about supermarket/retail work right? But I really am genuinely passionate about the work, which when put into the context of working in a supermarket sounds super stupid, because nobody is passionate about supermarket work. It’s a job for school kids or people close to retirement age, there’s no such thing as passion in a job like that EXCEPT THERE IS, AND I LOVE IT, AND I WISH THERE WAS MORE RETAIL POSITIVITY BECAUSE I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY JOB AND I PLAN ON RUNNING THE PLACE ONE DAY. GOODNIGHT.
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Me wife is super short and young looking and gets things about chikd labour regularly. She hates it
I get told all the time that I look too young to be working at my store. I’m 19. It’s usually very condescending.
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You litterally sound like you could be working at my store with my customers! Except in that we have one cashier who will only use checkout lane three. If she works, there is going to be money in that register or she will not be checking stuff out lol.
List of reasons customers have gotten mad at me
I man the service desk at Walmart, and previously worked cashier. People get mad at me for the dumbest reasons. Here’s a not necessarily chronological or exhaustive list of those reasons (last updated August 20, 2017)
There’s the usual and near daily ones:
A card declining is somehow my fault
An item rang up wrong
A customer didn’t use lane dividers and everyone within a 4 foot radius got angry at me for ringing up an item in the next transaction
The check cashing policy not covering handwritten checks
A customer is attempting to go through the express lane with more than 10 items and got turned away
A customer is attempting to go through the express lane with more than 10 items, got turned away, gave the excuse that they wanted tobacco, and got turned away for all items excluding the tobacco.
I closed my lane to go on break/to lunch/home
There are “no lanes” open and lines are long (”no lanes” in quotations because without fail there are always at least 5 of the 8 self checkouts not in use), as if the scheduling and callouts are somehow the fault of the most recent hire
Charging someone “three times” for an item that was scanned twice, then voided once.
There’s about 6 or 7 times a day someone gets mad at me for the $50 no receipt return limit, that said returns require ID and have a limit on how many you can do, or that I have to put the money on a gift card, or all 3.
But those aren’t that interesting. Everyone knows about all of those. Hell, no lanes is a meme. (we don’t even use registers 1-4 except on black friday) This is about the times someone’s gotten mad at me for something truly ridiculous.
As Cashier:
A woman paying for 8 or 9 transactions all with money out of the same envelope, all with 2 or 3 items maximum in them, without using lane dividers or telling me what was in which transaction. She snatched stuff out of my hands as I went to scan them. When i gave her her change the first time she told me “I’m saying this nicely, don’t throw my change at me, hand it to me gently.” I had, and she didn’t.
At the end of her stuff she told me to “consider moving to a different department” and now asks me every time if I’ve “put in my transfer request yet”
A man told me he wanted cash back, then proceeded to select “no cash back” at the cashback prompt, then got mad at me when I didn’t give him any money.
A woman told me that the printer ink she was trying to buy was $30 when it rang up $90, she only got mad when I called a CSM for a price check. (It was $90)
The automated cashback prompt prompted a woman, who then went on a 15 minute rant about how it’s “unethical” to offer cashback on credit purchases. She paid with debit.
A woman’s daughter whispered to me that their family didn’t like Trump. I agreed (exact words: “me either”), and then the mom yelled at me for five minutes for “proselytizing” to her daughter
I closed my line so I could help a blind woman shop. Yes someone actually got mad about this.
As Customer Service:
A woman tried to return a TV she had no receipt for. It was already 4.5 times over the price limit, but it was also not in the system anymore because the TV was purchased four years prior in November 2013
There’s been a few times people have waited in the line for 10 minutes to pick up online orders, only to be told that the pickup area is in the back of the store. There’s multiple signs.
A man got mad because the black baby dolls were on clearance for $11.00 but the white baby dolls were not, and priced at $19.94. He accused Walmart of racism.
The black dolls were on clearance because they had the previous version of that particular brand’s packaging, and the newer version was priced at $19.94, directly next to the clearance ones.
A woman informed me that “there shouldn’t be a fee to cash checks after 5PM because all the banks are closed” I honestly couldn’t think of any response
we’re out of solar eclipse glasses and have been for two weeks and are not getting any more in please stop getting mad at me over the phone when i tell you this it happens 5 times an hour
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Hehe I always say "Wasn't that nice of them," and go about continuing to tell people no. I love being a manager now just for that
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Some of my favourite costomers can make a hard day seem so much better. I just moved positions in the company, to dept manager, and I am kind of sad I won't see some of them as often. Back when I was a cashier, I had this one old couple who would really make a scene of it when people insulted me. It was embarrasing as all get out, but having people stand up for you can make a big differance.
There is one fellow who comes in every day. All of them, all year. Since I have started working there I have spoken to him every day, and this guy totally amazes me. He hardly smiles, seldom speaks more than a handful of words, and if you ask him how is, 'Vertical' is his only response. Sounds kind of lame, but then when things go wrong he is right there protecting the employees from the nasty customers.
Love my people
Everyone talks about how shitty and stupid customers are, why don’t we ever talk about the cool ones?
-Bilingual children translating for their parents/grandparents like a boss
-The drunk guy you had to deny a sale to and he took it so well and maybe even thanked you for keeping him safe
-The random peeps in a long check out line who stop to tell you you’re doing an amazing job
-The regulars who have your back when someone starts giving you a hard time
-Customers who let you know to keep an eye on someone for shoplifting
-Bros who insist on cleaning up their own mess/spill
-The really upbeat/cheery mom/aunt type customer that just kind of brightens your day a bit
Feel free to add, you guys. You know who they are, let’s give them some love.
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