"Rather than forcing all that hatred onto one person, I... I think it's better to love everyone around you just enough that you won't regret losing them."

every moment that i have been alive has been against my will

would you be sad if i died? i'm not going to. i just wanna know. would you be sad if i died? would you miss me?

it's my birthday and i'm crying again and all i can think about is bad things!!!!!!!!

why does my mom smile when she talks about my depression and why does my dad revel in calling me a mooch and a quitter

i feel like i am swimming sitting up

i want someone to love me but i don't think i know how

i think one of the weirder things about my almost half-decade isolation is that i've started to see myself as an audience. whenever i'm not completely in my head, somewhere else, i'm playing for the audience that i've become. i don't know how to just exist. writing this is like watching a movie. this is the scene where the character monologues about how they feel

i don't like interpreting my dreams, but i think it's pretty clear that i miss you. i miss you so bad that i beat him up for you. i miss you so bad that i clinged to your leg like a child and begged you not to go. you still did. somehow, it feels like my fault. brother of mine, i do not know how to make you come back. and though i may miss you, i don't even know if i want you to. despite it all, i know you're doing better out there

i don't really understand the Rage Dreams. i know that i am an angry person who never learned how to be angry. i know i am an angry, venomous person who is uncomfortable around any anger, who shakes and hides when people yell. i know i am an angry, traumatized person who is scared of losing control and doing something unspeakable. i know that there is an untapped well of violence somewhere deep inside of me that leaves me unsettled and panicked whenever it tries to show its ugly head. but i really don't understand the dreams where i beat the shit out of my oldest brother and destroy things. is that who i would be?

i've finally found the words: my friends only like me for the things that i am on purpose

i think i just want someone to be gentle

the thing about constantly being hungry is that i like it even though i shouldn't

why must life do this shit. why must it

i'm so fucking tired i will never be happy everything sucks love doesn't exist for me

tired of my online friends switching to calling me they/them after they hear my voice

*chanting* nothing feels good! nothing feels good! nothing feels good! nothing feels good! NOTHING FEELS GOOD! NOTHING FEELS GOOD! NOTHING FEELS GOOD! NOTHING FEELS G AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!