My new normal

Since my husband has left for training I've woken up around 8am/9am (god I hate even typing that out) not because I want to but because I just can't seem to ever sleep. I can't bring myself to actually leave my house to go and do things since I'm always afraid I'll end up doing something that would cause me to miss a phone call and I don't want to do that.

My new routine is this though:

8am: Get up, take meds/feed dog 10am: clean kitchen from yesterdays dinner 11am-5pm: Whatever random task I have or nothing at all 6pm: Start dinner 8pm: Go to the gym 10pm: come home/ shower 12am: take meds/ go to sleep

that's essentially what I do. Not every day of course, I would want to off myself if I went to the gym every day, but for the most part I do next to nothing. I'm trying to find some sort of hobby outside of writing my husband letters and writing on this blog but nothing seems worth it. I just feel so apathetic towards everything currently and I can't even bring myself to care anymore.

I would get a job but gas is over $3.50 a gallon in my area and nothing around here pays enough or with enough hours to even cover the gas it would cost to get to said job. And there's no point in a work from home job since the whole point would be for me to get out and interact with other people. I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending spiral of negative energy and just woe is me bullshit that I can't pull myself out of. And I hate it so fucking much. I know everything will be worth it in the end but right now I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am horrified thinking that this is just my new life.

“Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run, but it will never make you less afraid.”

Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

Hurry up and Wait

Since my husband left for BCT it feels like I'm stuck in a sort of limbo, between constantly checking my phone for an update and trying to keep some sense of normalcy in the house nothing I've done has felt like the correct response.

Every time progress has been made during this whole process it was followed by an even longer waiting period. The Army's slogan should be "Hurry up and Wait" because even now that he's sworn in and in training it still feels like we're in that perpetual waiting phase.

What almost makes it worse is no one in my immediate friends/family immediate circle save for a select few understand what I mean when I express my emotions and how isolating it feels. I've struggled with my mental health since I was a teen, and I haven't felt this isolated or unheard since I was in the deep end of my depression as a teen/young adult.

A friend asked if I had told my husband how I was feeling and I told her no and that I honestly didn't plan on it. When asked why I answered honestly that he needs to be focused on himself right now. Do I wish more than anything that I could tell him how I'm feeling? Of course, I do. But it would be so unfair to unload all of these negative feelings on him when he's going through training.

I'll be honest I don't know where exactly I'm going with this, but it at least feels good to get it all off my chest even if I'm just venting into the void.

This already sucks

My husband just left for Army Basic Training this week and I, perhaps stupidly, thought I was prepared. I did all the research, read all the blogs, scoured the reddit threads, talked to current and previous military members and their spouses, and i really thought i was prepared for how it was going to feel watching him get on the bus and leave.

I was not prepared.

Some background on me and my husband, we've been together 3.5yrs married for 2yrs. In that entire 3.5yrs we have spent a grand total of 14 days separated from one another due to travel, work, etc. Logically I knew it was going to be tough on both of us but I didn't think it was going to be as bad as some people had described. But again I was not prepared.

I hugged him tight, gave him a kiss and a wave and watched him get into the bus to leave all while feeling like a boa constrictor was wrapping itself around my neck. I barely managed to make it to the privacy of my car before I broke down in tears, which stunned me because I'm not a crier usually. Even when driving home I had to pull over because I had started sobbing again and could barely focus on the road. People will tell you about how they were sad but they powered through, they'll say things like "I know its sad but you still get a phone call every week!", or any other generic thing to try and ease your mind on how the separation will go.

But what they won't tell you is that when you get home from dropping them off you'll want to burst into tears over every reminder of them that is scattered around your home. For me it was finding his favorite coffee mug in the sink, smelling his cologne on a sweater I put on, knick knacks he bought to decorate our home. No one tells you how one second you'll think you're ok until there's a reminder of them and then the tears are back and you can barely breathe from how hard the sobs are wracking your body. I think I've cried more in the past 12hrs than the past 12yrs.

If you happen to be like me and you're being wrecked by emotions that no one truly prepared you for let me just say: it is ok. It is ok to be heart broken and depressed that they are gone. It doesn't make you selfish it simply means you're human and it will be ok. That's the mantra I've had on repeat in my head as I lay on his side of the bed and cuddle a pillow that smells like him.

It will be ok, and it is also ok to not be ok right now.