rachellynnejones
Rachel Lynne Jones
A collection of images I draw inspiration from juxtaposed with ironic pop culture memes. Human experience is beautiful, and super fucking weird.
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🌿Coree🌿
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I’m exhausted
Last night I barely slept
When I did sleep, I saw you
I’ll tell you about it in a minute
I went back to school
Today I’m listening to a guest speaker discuss poetry and trees
They are synonymous to her
The way that dreams and poetry are to me
But that got me thinking:
Every year I go back to that one tree in Dad’s backyard
The cherry blossom tree that feeds the wild deer with its crab apples
And when Dad was alive, it even fed us jam
The year I fell in love with you the cherry tree blossomed in May
I remember I caught a video of it
Little sun beams interacted with the camera lens on my phone
The light played and created a filter over the moving blossoms
The tops of white dandelions danced in the air
It looked like magic
That time I fell in love with you felt like magic
Although it was probably mania
Definitely mania
More than two years later I still see you when I close my eyes
Last night my partner and I travelled to Texas in my sleep for a high school acquaintances wedding
I hadn’t thought of this classmate in almost six years
Naturally, none of this would conceivably happen
The wedding was held in a theatre
When the lights turned on after the ceremony it mimicked a movie
You were sitting two rows behind us to our right
My stomach dropped
I felt alive
You were sitting with your new cheap looking girlfriend
We caught each others eyes as I got up to leave the auditorium
You know that feeling when you see someone who once meant something to you?
It’s a desired feeling of mine
Anything rare feels exciting, despite the internal pain
Some of my friends were there from my pre high school days
Summer camp friends
They all cautioned me not to approach you
But I saw you outside of the theatre and without thinking
I approached you
I had to
You stood to the left outside the theatre doors
You smiled at me
You were wearing veneers
It looked terrible
You popped them in and out of your mouth after I asked you about them
They covered your gummy smile
Then my partner disappeared
From what I could understand from my melatonin induced sleep
You had found a way for someone to take him away from me
I felt so much guilt about it
I felt guilty for spending time with you
When I should have noticed he disappeared
I woke up and there was no resolve to my dream
Just like us
There was no resolution
Over time you just forget
That’s what brains do
Time passes and details fade
But there are always little reminders
Like trees
Like dreams
Certain bits of you will always stay
Even when I’m exhausted
Even when I’ve barely slept
Certain bits of you will always stay
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I’ll Meet You Wherever You Close Your Eyes
The last time you messaged me you said
“you were in my dream last night”
This morning I woke up after seeing you in mine
You know the first time you wrote to me since our break up
The night before I saw you in my sleep
I forgave you for everything that happened between us
Then I woke up to your message
But I never replied
Last night
it was SO good seeing you again
You know those dreams where you never get to the desired result?
Where you’re running and you can’t move, or everything feels like the opposite ends of a magnet?
No matter how hard I tried
Things kept getting in the way of pressing our bodies together
Opposite ends of a magnet is the perfect way to describe how we maneuvered in this dream
All I wanted to do was kiss you and touch you
I miss kissing your lips so much
I love the way your lips feel against my skin
Everywhere
I woke up and instantly felt saddened
i wanted more time with you
So I re adjusted my pillows and tried to find you again
I closed my eyes and there we were
This time in a house that was supposed to be your parents place in Texas
But it wasn’t it was some made up place with grey carpets
Did your parents place have grey carpets?
There was also a circular pool outside In the backyard that I wanted to make love in
Or fuck
I didn’t care as long as I could press against you
But one thing led to another and we fought
The whole dream I tried to get physically close but something always got in the way
At one point we were on the edge of a low leather bed frame in the bedroom
You were behind me with your chest against my back
You were finally pressed tightly against me
It felt amazing
Then you realized I wasn’t the person you wanted
Without reason
We resolved that we shouldn’t be together
and I had to leave
All of a sudden I was boarding an airplane back to Canada that looked nothing like an airplane
It was filled with bunk beds and futons instead of seats
I asked my futon neighbour on the plane if they’d be okay with us kissing and pressing against one another
He was a middle-aged Asian man and he wasn’t enthusiastic about that concept
I knew you’d show up so I guess I asked in advance?
Respectful of me, I know
You chased me onto the plane and found me as I predicted
I always hoped you’d come for me in real life
You know?
Take a plane,
Knock on my door,
And embrace me
Lift me onto the counter
Kiss my neck
And enter my body
Whilst on the plane, seconds from departing, you said you wanted to be together
And I felt so energized and so turned on
That’s how I feel every time you message me
For the last two years that feeling hasn’t dissipated
Then all of a sudden we were on a roller coaster ride with my mother
She sat in the middle of us
And you were wearing my current boyfriends striped shirt
We were strapped in to a star wars simulation and we were shooting the millennium falcon
While the roller coaster moved and dipped
I felt my stomach in my throat
As much as I’d like to apply significance to it there was none
i mean our relationship did feel like a roller coaster
Then I was awake in reality
it was 2 pm and couldn’t justify going back to sleep to see you again
So I made some iced coffee and sat down on the toilet to write this
I miss you
I wish I could kiss you
I miss your height behind me in the kitchen while I made fried eggs the way you liked them
I’m so sorry I only used coconut oil that must have tasted terrible
I miss your stature and how looking up at you made me feel
I miss the way you sucked on my toes
I miss the femininity you made me feel while kissing the insides of my legs
I swear your presence balanced my hormones
I miss the weird patch of hair on your shoulder
I miss the energy behind your eyes
I miss 2018
I miss feeling free
I miss feeling alive
I wonder if you’d like me now
Sober
Organized
Nothing like the girl you knew
I’m a woman now
Maybe I miss being a girl
But I’m sure I just miss you and the window of time we shared
It’s good to know I can still see you and feel you
I hope you can do the same with me
I hope you and I were happy in your dream
I wish I knew what we did
I’m glad I was able to visit you
I’m never far
I’ll always be there in your dreams
I’ll meet you wherever you close your eyes
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Photo
This really is such a vibe. God I love a thin brow, long burgundy nail, and a messy half up, half down. Pete burns you absolute devil, you. RIP.
Pete Burns on day 2 of Celeb Big Brother (2006)
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Home Inspiration
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHyIOIstYRA
How absolutely inspiring! Since going outside is limited now I have decided to prioritize making my dream home. I love how eclectic and full of texture this space is. I look forward to my new home filled with emerald, gold, and pinks.
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SAD
Last night I dreamt I found a door
A door in my apartment I’d never encountered
Behind it:
Firstly a brand new large supply of toilet paper
Something I recognized I was out of
prior to going to sleep
Then the room got bigger
Suddenly a massive bathroom appeared
Hot tub
Jacuzzi
Old clothing that had been left my the previous tenant
They were an old couple,
Not too many gems were left.
She liked cheap sequinned shirts
I don’t remember what he liked come to think of it
The end of the room opened to a massive pool
Sunshine
A space unimaginable in my apartment
But it was there
And so was my cat mooch
I tanned topless for a while
While my current partner had an affair with the old woman who previously lived there
Dreams are fucking strange
And much needed
I needed the sun,
Perhaps I needed to leave my current partner?
Everything is easier in that world
I am more alive asleep
I’m more true to myself when I am asleep
I’m more asleep when I am conscious
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Juno Birch Breaks Down Her Alien Queen Beauty Routine | Extreme Beauty |...
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clothing myself and painting my face has only ever been a desperate attempt to keep the person i love from leaving me
for a long time every dress, every hairstyle was to literally be attractive
not my genuine self
this is the strongest branch on my trauma tree
its the skill i grew the most
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So I’m back to tasting the familiar loneliness
It tastes like this 6 dollar hummus I used to eat on late nights
I’d dunk thin and crispy corn chips and watch youtube
After getting home at 4 or 5 am from seeing a guy who claimed to want to take care of me
For the record he did
I just wasn’t in the right spot for that
So I’d watch the sun rise and have my snack
Yeah, loneliness tastes like this snack combination
This is the type of loneliness that you can hardly cry over
Its really deep in your stomach
Heavy in your heart
Its stupid and cliche
Which is why I compare this to hummus
Just so you know that I know this whole thing is dumb
My ex lover of 4 years and I just tried to be physically intimate
We’ve been attempting to fix things
Tonight felt so flat
He rarely has time to be physical
He rarely compliments me
Not that I should need that
So now I’m here
After trying to cum with him and having no luck
I’m back to my thin and crispy corn chips
Except this time they’re made with chia seeds
(A health food store improvement if you ask me)
Crispy chia corn chips
Dunked in the lonely hummus
Watching youtube
At least loneliness tastes good
At least loneliness is crunchy
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The Radiance of When Style Meets Spirituality: Kamil Oshundara
I haven’t felt inspired like this in a while. It’s really refreshing to see someone put so much meaning into what they wear. Of course because of Kamil’s background of oppression she can’t help but respond and express herself in such a beautiful way. That separates her from the majority of women desperately purchasing trendy fast fashion in the hopes of feeling closer to themselves.
This made me deeply think about the way I want to adorn myself; the way that I do. The women in my family have always been very stereotypically attractive, almost dressed in a way to entice the opposite sex. I think thats been their form of survival, or their purpose: to be loved. I’m noticing the further I get from my spirit the more I dress that way.
Even though I’m incredibly privileged to have not experienced the cultural genocide Kamil and her ancestors have, this deeply inspired me to look at myself and the way that I dress. What am I trying to communicate? Who am I honouring when i put my clothes on? I stopped wearing fast fashion because it does a disservice to the planet, but I have yet to truly find my style.
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From me, to me.
Hey Kiddo,
Dad used to call you that,
“kiddo”
isn’t it wonderful you feel just as comforted now hearing that from yourself?
I bet you never thought you would.
You must think you couldn’t grow or get any more actualized than this huh?
I have a surprise for you:
I can’t wait for you to meet her, the future you. Her strength still surprises me, even after all these years.
From your guardian, your present, your future.
I love you.
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To my old Alex
These are some of the final stages of detoxifying
It’s been over three months
going on four
that I've neglected to abuse my choice drug
It’s been over four years since I’ve seen you
Like really seen you
When you say goodbye to a lover
and you see them again
their eyes never look the same
they’re no longer the person you knew
so seeing you last night
seeing that familiar look in your eye
seeing the old you
only makes sense
every night a new vivid dream appears for me to process
it started with the small lovers
the insignificant
the easier ones to write about
now
after everyone and everything
I saw you
you were my very first love
your eyes still bring about the comfort my adult body misses
an older woman's body
a grown body that only seeks comfort from herself
your eyes made me feel like a child at home
that look allowed me a moment to be present again
just like how we were as teens
I missed seeing you like this
Even though it’ll never be the same in a wakeful state
I really did like how your eyes made me feel
one last time
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EVENING PROMPT: A stream of consciousness about something that you did not say today but wish you had.
Do you know how difficult it is to ignore you?
Your phone calls,
your text messages,
still evoke the same sick excitement.
They sting a little more now, but I still love hearing from you.
Externally it makes so much sense to protect myself.
All you did was hurt me,
Ditch me,
Disrespect me.
My skin hasn’t looked this bad since I lived with Mom.
Your words are laughable at this point.
Your “future” promises are seriously infuriating.
Even though all you’ve done is lie and promise things that have yet to happen,
wouldn’t it be nice if they were true?
That’s something I hate to admit to myself.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you were the man you pretended to be?
The man you say you “can” be.
I’d love you forever.
I’m baking your birthday cake tonight.
The cashews are soaking in a bowl right now.
You’ll never know of this.
It’s funny: the first time I’m ready to be someones WOMAN,
you aren’t ready to be a man.
Even though your age is turning the page,
we sadly never will.
But wouldn’t it be nice?
It would be so wonderful.
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