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things are… better?
#my own place#got another kitty#work is good and overall maybe just maybe life is good#but i’m scared to admit it
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i am so fucking tired.
#im so fucking SICK of this bullshit#there is something seriously wrong except there just... isnt#and not one person is capable of the slgihtest amount of fucking sympathy#i spent the entire weekend thinking i had fucking brain cancer and not one person even tried to be useful#i am so fucking exhausted#i am sick of feeling alone adn im sick of needing to deal with the m#i cant fucking take any of this anymore#i dont know what to do anymore#i have never felt as alone as i have this year#for once in my life i just want to feel like they fucking care and i cant even have that
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i dont want to be bitter and awful because none of this is anyone else's fault but my god is it hard to feel sympathy when you stubbed your toe and i was hit by a fucking car
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#feeling bad for their minor inconveniences is so so hard#im not like this normally#really im not#but i feel like i may puke and there isnt a single fucking thing i can do about it#and nobody understands how much i feel like im drowning#so im sorry if i seem a little apathetic but i cant fucking help it#im exhausted
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and i’m so scared. i’m alone and i’m scared. nothing feels right anymore
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no because idk when it all changed or why but i’m so fucking over it i can’t BE here anymore
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it’s too hot!! i cant cool down no matter what i do i need to take off my Skin
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really just dont know what im doing these days
#im miserable#i dont like living here now that the noveltys worn off#but i like my job#and right now its more than ive had in the last few months#but thats quickly feeling like its not enoguh#theres really just one place i want to be but going back there is fucking stupid#but i miss my life when i was there#i was never this bad#even if it wasnt perfect#im just so tired of things being so unclear
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1:49am
sitting in a parking lot
outside the er
alone and my tire is flat
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i cant stop thinking about the day i might have to let you go
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6 more days. just 6.
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but why?
#i never did anything wrong#i was a scared kid and they didnt want to handle it#they turned me into this#and they dont care#they never have#and i just want to know what it is about me that makes me so unlovable that even the people whose sole purpose in life is to love me dont#they dont like me#i know they cant stand me#and they think i dont pay attention to anything but i ntoice it all#i see the way they loo kat me and the way they look at everyone else#i see the difference s#but theyll argue with me unti li feel crazy#even when its not just me that sees it#i can take this anymore#things were finally going well and now i have to leave and start over again#im sure in a way this is a good thing#it gets me out#and it gets me gone#but i didnt want to go like this#i didnt want any of it#i want what i cant ever have#and its not fair#i feel like ive tried so fucking hard#my whole life#and this is all i get in return#and its just htem too#so it should be obvious#its them and its not me#but it doesnt feel like that#and itll never feel like that
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none of them know what it’s like to be so hated by their own mother
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this is so hard. im so fucking exhausted.
#i had the wrong due date written down for a test#i was off by a day and now its closed and i cant make it up#its a third of my grade for the class#meaning if my score is otherwise perfect i get a 66#im so burnt out#i dont even care anymore#and to top it all off i finally get a job#but my hours are absolute shit until my training is over#8 fucking hrs a week#whats the point?#i dont know how long itll be until i get real hours#and i want this job but i need more than fucking 200 every other week#i want to go back a few months#things werent good but they were better
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