If not me, who ? If not now, when?

Are you ready for it ?

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Barack Obama

Still

When I thought I was over it, you, the universe has a way of reminding myself you're still somewhere doing something with someone. And still I try to keep a straight face. Not to look away or leave the room. Because deep down inside, I wish to know : how you are, with who and what you're doing. But I would like to hear it from your mouth. Not through a perfect stranger I've never met but seems to know you better now, probably because it's true.

Still, I try to stand still. And still, I think I regret how I left things.

We are the definition of what could have been. What could we have if I wasn't so scared then ? What could we have been if you told me sooner ? What if I didn't shut you out ? What if I heard you the second time you tried to make yourself understood and didn't run away again ? What if I was mature enough to be honest with myself ?

I think we deserved better, we deserved something more. I know it. We must have been together at some point in some distant time. Even if we did'nt last. But here I am. Still here. With you there, with her and your child now. I'll never beat this now. Felt like a door closed when I heard the news.

I've been debating in my head to send you a text or not to congratulate you for days. Reason clearly tells me not to get myself involved in anything. That nothing will change the fact that you have a full life ahead of you and I'm not a part of it. And that's okay.

I hope we meet again someday when we're both in a happy place, still.

Merci

Il y a quelques mois ma plus vieille amie m'a demandé d'être témoin à son mariage. Cela m'a tellement émue que je ne savais pas quoi lui dire à part oui.

Aujourd'hui le mariage est dans moins d'un mois et je ne parviens pas à former des phrases qui reflètent réellement ce que je souhaite lui dire. Tellement de choses sont importantes et méritent d'être dites. Tellement de souvenirs et d'anecdotes que je ne sais pas lesquelles choisir.

Nous avons grandi ensemble : de nos dix ans à aujourd'hui. Nos chemins ont été amené à l'entrelacer, s'estomper mais se sont toujours retrouver. Naturellement. Comme si quelques secondes d'étaient écoulées seulement.

Merci d'être là pour moi quand j'en ai besoin, de me faire parler comme personne n'arrive à le faire. Merci de ton écoute. De ta patience. De ton empathie inspirante. Du bien que tu vois en tous et que tu appelles en nous sans même t'en rendre compte.

Merci de l'espoir que tu m'inspires, du bonheur dont tu irradies tous ceux qui t'entourent.

Comment dire tout cela devant une salle pleine d'inconnus ? Comment leur faire part de la personne formidable que tu es sans tomber dans le mélodramatique ?

Absence

Dans quelques jours cela fera dix ans.

Dix fois trois cent soixante cinq jours, à quelques uns prêts.

Cela me paraît affreusement long et en même temps étonnamment court qu'en j'y pense. Certaines images sont si nettes dans mon esprit que j'ai l'impression qu'elles viennent de se produire. D'autres deviennent plus floues avec les années et me souvenir demande de plus en plus de concentration. Malgré le temps écoulé, je crois que je n'ai pas cessé d'attendre, pas encore, un signe, une parole, une main sur l'épaule. Je me console difficilement avec de rares apparitions dans mes rêves, mais je peux les compter sur les doigts de ma main.

L'absence est à la fois obscure, invisible et omniprésente. Est ce qu'on s'y fait au bout d'un moment ou s'habitue t on simplement au manque ? Des fois, j'ai l'impression que c'est un mauvais rêve et que je vais me réveiller. Je n'ai pas assez apprécié les bons moments. Parce que les apprécier voulait dire que je rendais les armes et laissais la fatalité s'approcher. C'est ce que je pensais. Je croyais qu'en étant têtue, je te ferais gagner du temps. Mais le temps nous rattrape toujours.

T'énoncer est rude. Mon coeur se serre, ma vue se trouble et mes pensées s'embuent. Les autres s'en sortent mieux, en tout cas, ils donnent le change.

Tout me semble inachevé alors j'essaie de faire les choses bien, de clôturer, d'avancer, mais quand j'en reviens j'ai le sentiment que nous n'avions pas fini. Que tu devais m'apprendre encore tant de choses et m'accompagner dans ce monde si grand.

I should have asked you how to be

I still feel you all around

Just a couple of words

I am really starting to think this year is going to be about resilience. It will be the lesson, accepting things happen and you don't always have to fight it, sometimes you can't and you simply have to live with it. I must say, there was a time when I believed that not reacting to anything was a sign of weakness or even laziness. But as I grow older in life and time passes, it seems to me, it can also be a proof of wisdow, not accepting the things we can't change but evolving in a world where we know wedo not have all powers or answers. There is a line there I wasn't able to see before. And it doesn't mean we have to agree or resign or desinvolve to merely coexist with this idea. This is strengh. This is direction.

Another goal is to use appropriate term in general. For instance, I am trying to stop saying 'I think' instead of 'I know'. Affirming my opinion, my belief, myself in a way. Taking a stand in the world. Little steps. For I happen to be hesitant to call it what it is (or what I believe it is) afraid to be too honest or exposed. But the fear of the name ends up increasing the fear of it all. It doesn't make disappear. Just make us tip toe around it. It, being anything you want, avoid, fear, dream of. A name, a word, a place, someone, anything.

Being assertive without impetuosity, here is a challenge.

Make up my mind

I still dread running into you. At work, in town, at a bar or a party. Sometimes, I can feel my heart race hearing your name, when I wished it didn't. My cheeks turning red and the sudden warmth in my chest. And I am reminded that I am not as detached as I would like to believe. No convincing or self persuasion can speed up time, I guess it will pass on its own in the end. Even if I'd hoped months would be enough.

Nothing really happened anyway, but why I do I feel like the only one stuck then? I think none of us knew what we wanted at first. And when we figured it out, we never where on the same page on the same time. Never on the same rythm. A part of me wants to hold you responsible because I feel everything change from the night we spend wandering in the streets and you tried to kiss me. You apologized. But I know I did not make things easy after that night. I chose distance and coldness and silence as answers. Every now and then, we encountered and fell back into laughing, joking, drinking, smiling, talking like a bad habit.

And you tried again at a party. At this point, I did not want anything anymore, only to be confortable enough to share a group of friends. I felt myself falling back into that circle of wanting or wishing, of lust for a while. But it didn't hurt me, I knew it would pass. What hurt me was you pretending nothing happened and making jokes about it.

People could see.

I wasn't treated kindly or fairly. Neither were you.

We saw each other once after that. Such an effort I made to be present. To be good a friend. I thought that was what would be expected of me. So I came. All of it was formal. I thought it was a step forward.

But tonight. Tonight, there is this birthday diner. And you're supposed to come. I don't know what to expect. Cause deep down, I want us to be the friends we were, without the ache. All of this might be for nothing if you don't show up in the end. And to be honest I'd be disappointed. My head tells me not to expect anything in order to not be deceived.

I wonder if everything was not only happening on my mind. Yet we cannot deny the phone calls and texts and gifts and stares and bits of attention. Just like I cannot deny your showing in my dreams off and on.

Letting go is a difficult task.

"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically -

to those who hardly think about us in return"

Enough

I am really tired of telling myself it's her depression speaking. That she is sick and doesn't really mean the words that come out of her mouth. I am tired of trying to understand and be compassionate. Tired of taking it all in. Every time, it feels like I being washed over by an immeasurable wave, pushed to the ground, pulled from underneath the waters. Every single time. And I try to stand still and wait. Wait for the tide to change, wait for the wind to weaken, but I think I don't have any hopes left. I have been drained out completely. Hopeless and Helpless.

I've heard somewhere, that love means giving chances when there is no chances left to give. It did not say how hard and debilating and annihilating it would feel. I don't know how long I can go on like this. Neither, what to do. What does it take for someone to realise something is wrong with them, then actually seeking help and eventually get better ? It feels like self destruction to do nothing and simply stare. It feels diminishing. Always being present to someone who tells you to go away, that you're not supporting, that you don't care. But, each time you stand with them and they don't see it, they can't. And each time, you give a little bit of yourself away, tiny piece by tiny piece. You may lose yourself or the goal and start thinking : 'Will it ever change ? Am I making any difference ? Does it matter ?" Sometimes it's like falling into a rabbit hole and being in the dark. It takes everything in me to remember, one day, it will change, I would have made a difference and it will matter. So I keep giving.

Hugo wrote in Les Misérables 'he who does not weep, does not see'. I try to hold on to this. My glass may be half empty now but it'll be full at some point. Sometimes we need to go through difficult times to see the good days coming. To see the world as a whole.

Remember that this too shall pass.

New year, new me ?

I don't particularly agree with this statement. I don't think people can change in the blink of an eye, over night and become brand new version of themselves. Not unless hardwork, dedication, steadiness and more are involved. I believe, sometimes we wake up to see in the mirror someone we don't recognize and did not see coming. Someone that just happened to be there. Without any explanation of how he or she got here. It may lead to frustration, anger, deception. "But why did I become that person who has to get up every day to a job I don't like ? To a place I don't enjoy or with people I don't appreciate ? How did it happen ?"

New year can be a daounting time. As any new chapter in life. Because it reprents a amount of time that has passed in our life and we cannot help but try to caculate the achievments, hoping they will outnumber the mistakes. We shouldn't, we should not have to apolozige for failures that help us grow as human beings.

I don't know if asking ourselves how we ended up somewhere truly helps us. However I believe in the opportunity it offers and our chance to seize it. To try again, to become better version of ourselves and find happinness as we seek it and as we want to define it. Not according to anyone else's definition of what's appropriate or suited or expected.

I am a firm believer in providence and serendipity and karma. I want to believe in a world where things happen for a reason and sometimes we don't know why, but at some point it will make sense perfectly. All the aches, the tears, the questions will have meaning, like pieces into place showing a beautiful puzzle.

So, to a new year of growth and experience.

"I am not what I think I am,

I am not what you think I am,

I am what I think you think I am."

Coming back

Maybe, I should say it's a come back. Maybe it was about time.

Truth is, I used to spend and probably waste lots of time on here in my teenage years. Looking for distraction, wandering, wishing for something else and more.

More than ten years later, I have rediscovered my blog. I put so much thought on what I posted, reposted, said, liked. It was mostly songs lyrics, tv shows and films clips, quotes, but I always wanted it to be meaningful for somebody. Like it could reach someone and lightsup their day or made them feel seen. Anyone. Don't think I succeeded.

Anyhow, now I am comtemplating starting something new and different and focusing on what strikes me. Trying to be bold.

Because, coming back can be frightening. From anything I believe. Returning somewhere you used to know, that used to be 'home'. Or to people who understood you. Doing something that was familiar. Maybe we fear disappointment in coming back. We fear seeing things have changed and what once was is now gone. That all's well and ends not always as we expected. But is it really a reason not to come again ? I don't know. I feel like if we keep avoiding something, we end up giving it more power over us to the point it might consume us. So, I'll try to give it a chance. Do something unordinary for once. Get out of the security of known to the unknown.

And maybe I'll see you soon.