i love this alien fusion @muglerofficial perfume my boyfriend got me for christmas. i can really smell the amber and ginger in it which feel like the mix of night and day. https://www.instagram.com/p/B6tl7dXg-7r/?igshid=18iwpo0hhv7x3

one of my new year’s resolutions is to enjoy the new year a little more than last year. 2019 was mainly about surviving and i wasn’t that concerned with anything else. having a chronic illness and heart problems comes with a lot of grieving and acceptance. i can’t run upstairs or scream or laugh too hard or cry too much. no more hangovers or staying out too late. i felt like the fun was over. i am trying very slowly in little ways to find happiness in little things i can have and do and be grateful for those. i am currently testing out several beverages for the new year to replace my beloved decaf mocha. i can’t have sugar or decaf. the first contender is a golden milk latte and i have to say it’s pretty good. definitely more of a treat than herbal tea! https://www.instagram.com/p/B6rVlstA10L/?igshid=wo75nbsk9xtr

I just came to blog about how I miss freely eating food, having sex and getting mad. Thank you for reading my blog.

hunny i’m home

nitro queen

light as a feather stiff as a keyboard

catecholamines -> catecholaMEANs

please follow my band @thedotcoms ❤️🌹👁

my oldest cat norma jean does the same routine every morning. she visits me in the bath by hopping on the side and wants her face to be pet. she stays for a while until she realizes (like it didn’t happen the day before and every other day) that her tail has mysteriously submerged in the water. she looks horrified at this *surprise* and pulls it out and examines how wet it is and looks stunned. it’s like 50 first dates but different.

the mean reds

I had gone about 5 days without an artery spasm and I was feeling invincible. But, I was on my way to the super market and suddenly I felt my back and heart on fire and was sweating all in a split second! I told my boyfriend to pull over and I took two sprays of nitro and noticed my heart was at 146. I was really scared and started stressing about it which made it worse so I just pictured my dog theodore. It ended and I went in the store because it happens more at rest so I felt safer in public. All of the produce looked really hazy and I stood by the lettuce for a long time probably looking confused I noticed an employee consider asking me if I needed anything. Weird to not get normal blood flow to your brain. I got arugula and garlic and sliced almonds because deciding whether or not to get sliced almonds made me feel uncomfortable I thought but it was just more slight spasming giving me a small sense of doom. My boyfriend had procured pasta ingredients and we walked to the register. I started feeling like I was going away and my heart rate spiked again. I half laid down on some benches they have and took nitro. I pictured all of the people I could run into downtown seeing me laying in a whole foods. Finally it calmed down after a spray and we left. My heart felt sore like shin splints and it seemed the storm had ended. I walked in the front door with the stupid sliced almonds and sat on the ground and hugged theodore and cried. His little doggo face was all wet from my tears and he kept giving me a hug because he knew I felt bad and he is perfect. I realized I was crying because when I was picturing him during the spasm I was thinking “you have to get through this your dog needs you” and I was so relieved to see him. This disease is as dramatic as a lifetime movie and I’m upset about it tonight but I have to stuff that and get over it because that makes it worse. I don’t like not being able to feel deeply without severe repercussions. Hopefully I’ll get another 5 days again. I may have had a bad night but I’ve got sliced almonds and my dog is the sun in my sky.

happy halloween mister

happy halloween from us to yours

i don’t feel good no looks today