aquí voy a escribir todas las cosas que estoy loca por decirte.

me gustaria mandarte esto pero creo que no mereces ni un mensaje mio, así que mejor aquí, donde puedo escribir y sacar todo lo que tengo en mi mente sin que tú te enteres. primero, me rompiste el corazón. intencionalmente, o no, lo hiciste. lo hiciste cuando elegiste irte en vez de intentarlo conmigo. lo hiciste cuando, a los 3 días después de que terminamos, ya andabas con la misma chiquita de la que me dijiste que no me preocupara. lo hiciste cuando fui al hospital y no fuiste capaz de llamarme ni escribirme aunque sea un solo mensaje.

la verdad es que lo hiciste muchas veces, incluso cuando estábamos juntos, y me arrepiento de haberte permitido. sé que no soy la mejor novia del mundo pero tampoco valgo tan poco para aguantar todo lo maltratamiento que aguanté.

te acuerdas ese viaje donde me dijiste que las palabras sobran? es verdad, amor. las palabras sobran. y en nuestra relación me dijiste muchas cosas hirientes, sabiendo que yo era sensible. no te importó eso.

me criticaste constantemente. me hiciste cambiar. no valoraste mis esfuerzos cuando intenté complacerte, y hasta actuaste como un hipócrita a veces.

pero aún así, quería que lo nuestro funcionara y me humillé por ti. te rogué. hice excusas, esperé y recé que un día las cosas entre nosotros cambiarían y seríamos mejores y más felices. dios sabe cuánto lo intenté, cuanto luché contra el desino para nosotros. yo te quería más a ti que a mi misma.

pero ahora me di cuenta de como son las cosas en realidad. me di cuenta que una relación no funciona asi.

en la nuestra, oí más “asquerosa” y “puerca” que “te amo” o “te ves linda hoy”. ya veo que es muy fácil para ti criticarme por lo que no te gusta y decir cosas hirientes, pero cuando te pido que me digas lo que te gusta de mi, lo que sientes por mí, nada. te cuesta y no puedes, dices.

pero no es que no puedes, sino, que no quieres. no quieres intentar. y no es justo, pero dice mucho. porque las personas cambian cuando realmente se lo proponen, cuando quieren, cuando cambiar es necesario para conservar algo que valoran. lo que es inútil es intentar hacerlas cambiar cuando en realidad no tienen ningún interés en hacerlo.

y si no tienen interes en hacerlo, pues, eso a mi me dice que no estan enamoradas nada. eso me dice que TÚ no estas enamorado. porque un hombre enamorado se nota hasta en la cara. y contigo tuve que pedirte que por favor actúaras emocionado al verme en el aeropuerto. 

eso te suena a amor? porque a mi no.

tú mismo hiciste que me alejara y perdiera el interés en ti. me demostraste que tomé una buena decisión cuando decidi terminar contigo. y por eso te doy las gracias.

tambien te doy gracias por entrar a mi vida, porque no me arrepiento de nuestra relacion. al contrario, me enseñaste lecciones, me enseñaste lo que me gusta y lo que no, y siempre siempre siempre estaré agradecida por eso..

sinceramente te deseo lo mejor, tata. espero que vivas una vida larga y feliz y sana. espero que encuentres a alguien que te haga querer cambiar para lo mejor, que te enamores completamente de la mujer de tus sueños, y que ella sea todo lo que yo no fui.

nuestra historia terminó, y hay una parte de mí siempre te extrañará, pero gracias a dios por los buenos recuerdos que hoy quedan. tuvimos algunos buenos momentos y prometo no olvidar.. 

pero también prometo levantarme y salir de esta depresión.. prometo ser mejor, prometo hacer lo que dijiste y enamorarme de alguien que me ama de la forma que necesito. prometo no molestarte ni humillarme más nunca por ti o cualquier hombre.

y te juro, mi amor, que todas estas promesas las cumpliré.

last time i posted here was 3 years ago and sooooo much has changed lol i still have trich and my hair still sucks but i have a great boyfriend & my self esteem has improved a lot ??? i love makeup now and things are in general just a lot better for me even though some days are still hard

things aren’t nearly as bad as they were last time i posted here

god i don't think anyone will ever understand how shitty it is to go through almost two years of progress with very small / no bald patches only to relapse THIS fucking bad. my hair is as shitty & fucked up as it was when i decided to shave it all off the first time. i shaved it and went through hell for nothing and now i might have to go through it all over again. i hate myself so much i hate that i can't talk to anyone about this i can't tell my friends i don't even wanna tell my dad that it's gotten this bad again i feel so stuck and sad and i literally never wanna leave my room i just want to fucking die there's nothing anyone can tell me that will make me feel better about this i've tried everything to stop pulling my hair and picking at my face and nothing works honestly i'm disgusted with myself and all the hair on my fucking floor and how i look. i don't know what i did to deserve having trich i'm not strong enough to deal with this i'm so fucking sad and upset these feelings will never go away and i will never be happy what's the fucking point oh my god

i hate trich :( i was doing so good for so long like i was able to go for months without pulling and even when i did slip up it was just a one time thing & now that's all fallen to shit because i can't stop pulling for more than a few minutes and i have no idea why. i feel like shit. everyone says it's not my fault, i don't control it, but it's hard to be comforted by that when my hands are the ones tearing my hair out.

i'm so sad literally so sad i haven't taken a picture of myself in months bc i just feel and look like shit and i took some today for the first time bc i felt somewhat pretty and i regret having done it bc when i looked at the results all i got back were photos of me looking tired and disgusting with bags under my eyes and shitty skin i hate how i look i'm so sad and tired of looking at pictures of other girls and wishing i could look like them i want to look in the mirror and smile and genuinely believe that i am beautiful and i don't and i'll never feel that way and it sucks and it's like no matter how many times i get told "you're so pretty" i'm just never going to believe it lol i dream about the day where i completely transform and become super pretty with great hair and a great face and that will probably never happen

i used to have mega thick and long hair as a child now it's thin and patchy and it won't grow back the same since i pull the follicles out what am i supposed to do with myself

oh and p.s.

i apologize for the spam i really do i'm just really sad

i hate myself lol trich is destroying my life i was so happy i felt so good about myself to know that FINALLY i wasn't pulling anymore and idk what happened but everything just fell apart and now i feel like shit and i feel guilty and i look in the mirror and i feel ugly and it just feels terrible bc i used to look in the mirror and think i was so cute with cute hair and cute everything and trich went and fucked it up

HEY if you pull your hair out from the scalp, go wet your hair. completely. wet it all up so that you can't pull it. then tie it up into a super tight bun (or pony -- but bun works better bc the hair isn't in your face & distracting). and THEN take hair clips like these: (both big and small)

and put them in areas where you pull your hair most. this will do 2 things

prevent you from pulling your hair

keep your hair tight so that you don't WANT to pull

i currently have six in (3 small, 3 big) and it helps a lot. especially after pulling sprees. it stops me from continuing.

day 3 of constantly tearing my hair out i fucking hate myself

haha i just reread a lot of old posts about bri and deleted them

not all of them bc memories but i realize i had feelings for her and i didn't want to admit it and nelly had also been right about it. but i didn't know at the time. idk guess it doesn't matter now though bc i'm way over her and thinking about it now i wouldn't want a future with her idk it's weird?? also funny to see how bitter and angry i was i'm glad that's over with

godddddddddddddddd i'm so sad i tore out half my fucking hair guys months and months of growing it and trying so hard to have nice hair for once and i fucked it all up again and i'm so stressed bc of it and being stressed makes me wanna pull more what the fuck?

it's like

stress = pull hair out

pull hair out = stress

i hate this i don't deserve this bullshit i'm a good person

i fucking hate having trichotillomania jesus christ i went for soooooooooo fucking long without pulling my hair out and i've just ripped out half of my fucking hair i hate myself and i hate my life and i hate this fucking disorder whatever the fuck it is i wish i was normal and i wish i didn't have it and i wish i was still pretty with long and thick hair but no i'm fucking cursed with shitty thin hair that falls out when i brush it i'm so fucking mad and sad and ugh

i'm sad i need a job dude i wanna buy clothes and make up and all this other shit but i can't bc i'm still depending on my dad for money and he doesn't want me to get a job 'til i have my diploma and aghjkslagbha i just need money idk i'm frustrated

why can't i be pretty and a good writer and smart and funny and outgoing

i'm sad man i'm turning 19 in two weeks and it's my last year as a teen and i feel like i'm supposed to have my life together but i don't i didn't do any ~teen~ ish things i didn't graduate i don't have a job i can't even drive so i don't have shit going for me  and i can't even celebrate my birthday with friends because i don't have any friends that live near me. just two. my birthday is going to be just like last year with me sitting at home crying lol cool

everything has gone so wrong this week

i've been feeling like shit lately like my low self esteem is really getting to me but today just made it worst ugh i feel like i'm failing at life and i have no idea how that can be but still

i was in a program to get my diploma and graduate but i was in miami for the beginning of the second semester and missed it and now i got kicked out and have to wait until august to go :( meaning college is delayed (i'm gonna be 19 i hate my life) and a graduation ceremony might not be in the picture which sucks because i'm watching all of my friends upload graduation and prom pictures and senior trip videos and i just wish that was me i wish i never left new york and i wish i was graduating high school

then on top of that i'm dating this amazing guy on fl but my feelings have gone way beyond that and i don't know how that happened.

i've only dated two other people on fl but my feelings never became, i don't know, real? those past relationships were just a cute little ship with cute rp moments and that was it, but this is so different and i have no idea why. i know how to draw the line between fl and rl so i don't understand. maybe it's because i find him to be hilarious and just so unbelievably smart and wonderful and i think he's an actual gem. i'm beyond attracted to him and i care about him a lot and it kills me to know our relationship isn't as real as i want it to be. i don't even know how to bring it up without scaring him away or being rejected, for fucks sake.

and even if it was real, i feel like shit so he'd deserve better. he deserves someone who's perfect in every way, shape and form and honestly i never feel even close to perfect i legit feel like trash all the time. i just see other girls and my self esteem plummet because FUCK why can't i look like that? fml. hate my face. hate to feel like i'm not good enough, because i want to be. i want to be enough.

on the bright side at least i don't have suicidal thoughts / tendencies anymore