Dear friends or no one (hah! That’s kinda sad). Anyway, I have an announcement to make.

You are looking at a changed woman.

I am entering this year as a hoe. And I have NO regrets, except not doing this sooner! In fact, I’m doing well with my KPIs. And to date, I’ve met up with 4 dudes. And the only thing that’s changed is my confidence. I do feel so much more confident. And I’ve been feeling myself more. I also think that birth control pills are doing me well. My skin’s better than it ever was. I know what looks good on me. And today I’ve come back to tumblr to talk about my Whore-Rawr stories. Each one getting closer and closer to what I want. Or at least have my big O. So let’s talk about my encounters.

The one I hope to never experience again

The first one of the year is something I hope to learn from. Just to be clear, I did explicitly state in my profile that I’m just looking to get laid. And perhaps, men just saw me as a hole to fill. So this was kinda on me, and at every step of the way consent was given. The problem was, it’s my first and I was a little bit awkward. I was expecting to go into his house and start off by making out until we reach the bedroom. But no, it was not. He went straight for the bewb. And no matter how wet I made myself from imagining in the beginning, I just became really dry throughout the course of the whole thing. There was absolutely ZERO mood. There were no kissing. The lights were bright and white. No flirting or anything. My mind was just saying, I guess this is it. There were a few things that I did for the first time, such as: being hog-tied, getting paddled, playing with toys and well, swallowing jizz. After that whole ordeal, we got dressed and watched Netflix and had a few awkward conversations. Sometimes, I think I should’ve just left early. Also, I’m trying to get an understanding of how most hook-up works. Prior to this, I’ve been so used to doing it three times in a row.

My first anal

This was so random. I was supposed to meet someone else on a Sunday afternoon, but he cancelled on me and so I was left dry. I so wanted to get laid. Lucky for me, someone wanted to meet. This would’ve been my first spontaneous meet-up. I thought it was okay, just go for it. Rid myself a week of panic and just get on with it. You know what, no regrets. It was great. I made with what I can do. I quickly took a shower, wore that lingerie that’s been sitting there and just put on my mascara. I was nervous as heck, but I calmed myself down. Breath in! Breath out! You want to do this. During our chat, he asked if I had lube. I instantly said “Oh FYI, I don’t do anal” to which he said “Ouch, but all good”. When he arrived, I was pleasantly surprised. He was cute and very polite. I brought him to my room and I took charge. It was hot and I felt confident. I saw the excitement/joy in his face when I took off my jumper to show off my lingerie. I have done my first 69, and I have noticed that not once did he play with my pussy, but instead he was full-on licking and putting his tongue into my asshole. Turns out that was called rimming. And out of curiosity, I thought I’d give anal a go. We didn’t have lube, so we had to use oil. And my, my … I fucking hated it. It felt like pooping then reverse poop. I think it tore something because I was bleeding afterwards. But don’t get me wrong, he eased me into it nicely. It’s just not for me.

A strange arrangement

I have been avoiding attached guys on the app. I just didn’t want the drama to chase me. But one was persistent and he claims that his wife knows that he’s on the app and that the mrs has her own fuckbuddy anyway. He lured me in with promises of being giving, and how sensual he is, etc. And also, have I mentioned that I haven’t had my big O yet? So fine, he’s piqued my interest. I agreed to meet for coffee. He seemed like a gentleman. He was going to pick me up for a drive, have a conversation with coffee. He showed up in a car, he was a bit underwhelming. We drove around Orchard and we parked and he took me to get some Starbucks coffee. Starbucks really? I was a little bit disappointed, because I was promised at least Tiong Bahru bakery. And we just hung out in his car, I just went with the flow. I was a little nervous. But he was quite charming, I must say. We made out, a lot. It was so intense, I just wanted to jump him right there and then. But I had to get back to work and answer a few calls. So he dropped me off. I was gushing all over my panties. That same day, he asked if he can come over. OF COURSE I SAID YES. I was fucking horny. (Fast forward) Let’s just say that I was soooo disappointed, I was so close to calling somebody else. I didn’t really want to see him again. That same night though, he sent such sweet messages. I was hooked again, and he wanted to see me again. We met the next day, just to make out. It was great.

Mr Anal but without the anal

So that guy made a come back. He asked if we can meet again. I was hesitant for quite some time because I really didn’t wanna do anal and he seemed really into it. I went and told him anyway. I said I really can’t do anal, and how much I dread it. He was all cool with it, but it made our second encounter a lot more boring.

My first Asian

I have been putting off sex with this one asian guy I’ve been having conversations with. I was hesitant because I thought asians would be a lot more judgmental and their standards were on a different level. But I felt bad that I kept rejecting and making him hope. So one night, I agreed. I also made this terrible decision to go through his Instagram and I saw photos of his ex-girlfriend who was btw, the standard for local hottie. It meant skinny, nice skin, falsies galore, the works. You know the kind that does yoga and have açai bowl afterwards (even though I would totally do that). So I felt very intimidated, but just like mr anal, this was a spontaneous, “get-on-with-it” moment. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m really just doing this to force myself to meet people and expose myself. I’m not even sure if I’m in it for the sex anymore. But anyhoo, when he came I was a little awkward. We both acknowledge it. The only way I know to start is to just throw myself into a kiss. When he tried to give me a subtle embrace from the back, that’s when I leaned over and went for it. Thankfully, he knew where to take it. OKAY! This was my favourite of all. He kissed me back hard, and I sat on top of him. I took off my hoodie, and my favourite lingerie made another appearance. What can I say, they just really make my body look good. The color makes my skin glow, thought it doesn’t do much for my boobs but given the right lighting and manoeuvring, they WILL look yummy. Can you tell that I really like my boobs? Anyhoo, my boobs finally have the caress and tenderness they’ve been wanting and I really love it when they take charge and make me feel really wanted. He fucked me hard and it was soooo good. BUT … I still haven’t had my orgasm. We concluded the night with a bit of talking. He was complaining about his work. But other than that, it was great.

Over it

So remember that charming attached guy? He just recovered from COVID, and I was willing to make out. Some of the charm or magic has faded over time, and I guess that’s also natural. I thought we were just going to go for a drive and make out. But it seemed like he wanted us to go home and fuck. So after a 20min ride to and from the parking lot (I was starting to feel cheap). I decided that we should just head home and maybe I’ll fuck him. He came over, and we made out in bed. I’ve just had a rather good lay the night before and that set a new standard. He directed my hand to his dick, and I was for sure not putting that in my mouth. Not today especially since he just recovered, it still needs to get out. Maybe wait a week or two. But I just really didn’t feel like blowing him because he didn’t really seem to try at all. Like there was no lust or anything and he just kept talking about how maybe I missed his lips more than his dick. Oh if he only knew what a pleasurable experience I had the day before. We had to wrap up coz he had to be in a meeting. So, I don’t think he’ll be hearing from me again. And PLUS, where are all the deliverables that I was promised. I realised that he was mostly talk.

well, i feel like shit.

So we are a few minutes from me turning 33. I've never had the most miserable birthday ever. I thought taking a week off would do me well. I mean it probably did. I'd be in a much worse situation if I were at work this week.

So, well. I hate myself right now for wanting to feel important. Well you fuck. And this time, I mean it. I'm really angry at myself for crying during midday for nothing. I just randomly wanted to not exist for a brief moment. I mean, I probably still do but I'm a fucking wimp. And if I do myself in, I don't fucking deserve all the tears (if there's gonna be any). I do applaud myself for going out for a walk, because well fuck, you need it. You fucking fatso. I am by the way, eating a slice of cake as I am typing this. A cake I bought myself for my fucking birthday, which I couldn't even wait for.

I thought I'd watch Bo Burnham. Because just like him, I like to evade my feelings with comedy. Or just the opposite of sad. But well, it was a terrible idea. It was all tooo relatable. And I'm probably not the only one feeling this way.

Dear one way internet,

I’m not sure why I’m itching to get a laptop with Windows OS. I think it all started because of that time I saw the beautiful Microsoft Surface laptop in all black. And also because Sims 4 released a new expansion packed called Eco Living (which I have purchased yesterday) and I really wanted to play it while watching TV in my room. But perhaps this all has to do with how the layout of the house is. 

So far the best contender I’ve seen is the Dell XPS 13/15/17 in terms of aesthetics and just about right power for my needs. But it’s still a very huge sum, and I’m not really sure how much am I saving if I bought a macbook pro instead. 

But I also have my iPad, which is also another thing that I’ve been so happy about. Now if only, I can install Sims 4 in there (and not the disappointing Sims mobile version). 

Anyway, had a little lunch chat with Marrie and we lightly tapped on the topic about my dad. It also made me realise how much we misunderstood him. But he just carried on, and he just wanted to do his thing and share with you what he has accomplished. We were so caught with mom and how she spoiled us with our wants, never realising that they were all ultimately from dad. It made me really sad how much we took him for-granted that I started to tear up. Somehow even though he is not around, I feel that he would be so proud of me, and I think he and I would hang out. He would help me out with my condo and help me build it, and that he would help me pick out a good sound system and the right appliances. He would also encourage my musical tendencies. But these are all made up in my mind, and I’ve been wrong about people (about the world) before. 

But we’ll keep his memory that way. 

By Wednesday, I’ve officially used up the first week of my holiday. It went by SOOOOO FAST. It’s unbelievable. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve been sleeping really late (like 2-5am) and then waking up at 2pm. I think I’ve been waking up to just see a little bit of sunlight and nothing else. This I gotta fix before I go back to work.

Also if there was ONE THING I did set out to do during this vacay, it was to do my portfolio. But all I wanna do is go back to Hyrule and continue playing Zelda until I have all four divine beasts. I was making a really slow progress in the beginning thanks to all the work that was being dumped on me. I just couldn’t get my head into the game. But now, I’ve gotten into a serious addiction, AND I have to finish it before I get back to work because it sure will mess up my priorities.

I was so obsessed with Diablo 3 once that I played until 3-5 am daily whilst working. And my brain was dead during the day, and alive at night. But my body wasn’t. I was playing obsessively until my eyes started watering and THAT DID NOT STOP ME. I continued to play whilst tears stream down my cheeks because I can still see. Then my left eye was getting irritated, so I had to play with one eye closed. I only stopped when I absolutely couldn’t open my eyes from irritation and called it a night. I had my eyes checked of course, and true enough my eye grade went up.

Well hello there! It’s been a while.

Work has literally taken over my life that I took two weeks off. I know it’s crazy. Why would anyone take their annual leave during this quarantine season? Well work was driving me mad and miserable. So yes, I would!

Anyhoo, today was my first day away. I couldn’t get some nice sleep last night, I was stressed thinking about what problem could be brewing in my absence. I was even thinking about doing some work just to catch up! And then I said, STOP! Stop thinking about it. Calm down!

And so I was up until 4am telling myself that.

The next day though, it was gone. I was thinking about all the possibilities. I snoozed on my bed until I realized how disgusting my bed was. So I got up, and took a wee. Then I realized, I’M DOWN TO MY LAST TOILET PAPER ROLL. I was gonna get to the bottom of this. So I ordered my groceries from Redmart and hoping to God that there is a slot as soon as possible. These quarantined days make it hard to get a delivery slot. Lucky for me, there is one for Sunday. Yabba! After which, I cleaned my toilet and changed my bedsheets. I was on a roll. I did all of these while listening to 90s pop and narrating my life like someone’s watching my sitcom.

I then took a shower and played my switch, finally killed the Ganon that was pending from way back. It was overall a good day. It’s amazing how my mood just quickly changed as soon as the load of work was taken off of my back. So I thought I needed to celebrate with some banana butterscotch pancake, my favourite burnt Brussel sprouts and some iced mint tea.

Then I was shopping online for bath mats and private islands (yeah right) while FaceTiming with Marrie, until she had to sleep. Now I’m in bed writing and watching Absurd planet on Netflix. The narration gets annoying sometimes, but well, entertaining nonetheless!

I hope this bliss continues to live on! Toodles!

I can't feel guilty for not feeling anything. Is that sad? I can't even think on whose deathbed would I sob for days. That's at least if you ask me right now. I can't say when it actually happens. So then why should I be concerned about not having people around my deathbed since I wouldn't. I never really allowed myself to process my feelings. I'm all about sucking it in until I implode. And then just maybe die. Without pain. Evade pain, completely. I don't mind missing out. I guess I didn't want love enough to do something about it. I don't want anything enough. I won't feel sad if anybody just stopped being a part of my life. And neither would they. My work's not really motivating me. I only work so hard because I was built that way. And it doesn't help that my work is centered around making the stupid understand. I have wondered if I just landed in the wrong career, I don't think so. Material possessions? Maybe? Maybe that's the only thing that I want enough. Vanity. Is nature, the world exciting to me? If only convenient. Take a photo, and goodbye.

Jealous that Marrie went to Ireland and back to bring me a sample of their gin. I should be travelling more so I could be bringing people goodies instead.

You don't complain anymore. No, I just squeeze all my frustrations into a neat little ball until it blows up and drops on me.

Apparently, no one has the right to feel frustrated because shit happens all the time. No, you cannot feel sad or frustrated. Get over it. Suck it up and move on. If you have a problem say it. They are unaware that they're hurting your feelings. Or what you are going through. Fuck you. Fuck your feelings.

Must. Be. Patient!

Months back, my friend caught me randomly crying in the office. We went for lunch and my eyes and nose were a little red. They didn’t ask me right away. They just simply thought that maybe I was having a hard time at work, or maybe some family thing. I guess those were the likely things that would make me sob. They didn’t force me to say anything at that time. I’m glad they didn’t because I was deeply embarrassed and future-me would’ve hated to remember myself sobbing while talking about a really stupid thing. I hate getting caught crying. I will not cry for things I SHOULD be crying about but I do have certain triggers. 

Weeks later (or perhaps months later, can’t really remember), they finally asked me this burning question that kept them puzzled for yonks. By then I was back to my non-vulnerable self and I just remembered how stupid it was. But they wouldn’t let me go, and my friends are really persuasive and I think they knew for a fact that they are definitely able to get it out of me. 

When they put me on the spot, I was trying to make up something to cover it all up. Maybe I can say I miss my granny? Meh. I didn’t really want to come up with a fake death. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of lie. 

So okay. Fine. I will tell them. I asked them not to laugh. 

So I said “Do you sometimes think about your deathbed in a hospital and ever wondered if anyone would be there? I just feel like I have not created enough impact, if not to the world, not even to a single person.”

At that point, I didn’t want them to say something like “I’m here for you” or anything cheesy like that because then it would sound like I’m fishing for support. But instead they said, “I don’t think it’s stupid, we also think about our deathbeds” but perhaps in a different variation. 

But what I couldn’t tell them was that, I felt like I didn’t really deserve friends because of the way I am. And so I don’t really have the right to think about the people who will be near my deathbed. And if I wanted those people, I should be a bit more caring and thoughtful. Which is not going to work if I’ve been training myself to be an island, independent and self-sustaining, and devoid of emotions. 

Because I believe that for me to be free, is not to be affected by anything, even if that means having nothing. 

Three days in ...

Three days in on my first week at work, I'm slowly getting a feel of my workplace. Figuring out where I stand in the pipeline. I’m loving everything so far, even though I haven’t had a taste of my brand new laptop yet because they’d have to rig it for maximum security. 

A few things are on track though, such as the changes in my lifestyle. That includes avoiding riding too much taxis, keeping to my daily budget and controlling my food portions. I’ve also finally received my mi scale, and it’s sending me a lot of tough love. But I love it still. 

I’ve just discovered that my junior at my previous work is displaying my work as HER work on her portfolio.

I am steaming with fury. Well, internally. I may have the most unaffected and indifferent pokerface, but it is eating me up inside. I am trying to exaggerate my anger, just like most of my emotions. These days it’s hard to solicit an authentic reaction from me. But that’s besides the point! 

I first bought Bright Plum some time in June and absolutely fell in love with the formula. It’s not your typical “matte, stays-put” kind of liquid lipstick, as I wasn’t really ever into that. I never liked the way it felt on my lips. But this though is what I love about the velvety feel of YSL/Nars lipsticks but now with the precision of the wand. My friend gifted me the Dark Rosewood shade for my birthday. 

I got my little money packet that you get for your farewell. And I gotta say, that my officemates really do love me. 

Today at Tang’s, you can earn twice the rebates. So Emma and I decided to shop with purpose. Came in early to make our purchases to get some of ‘em vouchers to buy some more stuff! A vicious cycle. 

My plan was just to buy the Military Red shade because I realized I don’t really have a bright true red color in matte. And their sheer luminous concealer, because I’m trying the whole au naturel look I gather from watching too much Violette_Fr. She made me buy eyeshadow sticks. 

Then I fell into the trap of buying more to get more. So I ended up purchasing the Oxblood shade and a pressed powder. I needed one anyway. I didn’t really pay attention exactly to what I was gonna get at first, until I saw the loot bag the lady at the counter handed over. She gave me a lip gloss in Redwood, a 50ml perfume, a rollerball perfume (in Brit Sheer - a scent I do like!), a makeup pouch, and on top of that I get a discount. That’s besides the voucher I will get from spending a certain amount. It was a total steal! Then I used the voucher to replenish my Aesop shizz. 

So from now on, I’m going to stick to window shopping. Putting aside the cash for items I would want to get and dump it all big time during the awesome Tang’s 2x Rebates Day! It should be a holiday! 

And because of that, my farewell money packet is empty but my heart is full! 

The other day, I’ve started doing an inventory of all of my makeup, which then lead to this idea of perhaps cataloguing ALL of my stuff. That means EVERYTHING. Then I told Emma about it and she’s mentioned that she’s kickstarting her quasi-minimalism shiznit. So I’ve decided, yeah. Why not? I’m on board. 

She’s been sharing a few Jenny Mustard videos, and it has inspired both of us to not just go minimalist with items, but also with whatever we consume. That should ought to keep our weight down because we’re disgustingly fat. 

I think letting go of some of my makeup is gonna be much harder than getting rid of clothes. 

Got this little beauty yesterday on my last full week at work. It’s super gorgeous. This is probably my third set of white roses this year. I think this bunch takes the cake. 

Sense8

Pity they had to cancel Sense8 because I really wanted to know what’s the deal with the Lacuna and that wonderful meeting place. I might just have my wedding there (in daydream land)! But too bad, it’s too expensive for Netflix to produce. But I guess, it all ended well. 

Here’s a tribute to all the funny stuff in Season 2. 

Sun walking with purpose and feeling murder-y while wearing a shiny AF bottom. 

Wolfgang’s baby pink denim jacket and the PUMA fanny pack. 

Lito in his onesie and sulking.

The cutest duo. Sun & Mun! (WAIT A MINUTE! Was this a joke?) I just wished I saw more of Detective Mun. <3  

And who can forget the orgy at the end. WELL I MOST CERTAINLY WANT TO ERASE IT FROM MY MEMORY. THIS! I CANNOT! 

Final Space!

At first, I thought this was just a rip off of Rick and Morty. I also thought that Will Arnett was voicing Gary. But it turns out that he did not. Sure the theme is set in space and the comedy is definitely going to attract the same R&M audience. But as for whether it is a knockoff, not exactly. 

Every episode has a flash forward about what the events lead up to, and you thought you’re going to see whether he survives or not. But instead, he wakes up in purgatory. Which weird enough, I thought was an awesome ending. It’s like whether the series concludes there or not, it ended great.