I tried to write this before, but it turned out to be a Fall Out Boy song by PATD!

Dear Christopher,

I am writing this to inform you that I feel that I am no longer fit to run a store such as 914. I begrudgingly make this statement as I love my staff and my community that I am building surrounding this location. This is a decision that I had to make on my own, and it took a long time for me to think about to make. I believe the company in general is making many steps in the right direction, but too many steps backwards. I, without a doubt, believe in the vision you have set before you, but do not believe in this company’s steps taken to get to that point. I, among others, are tired, exhausted, and without many options to leave. Thus, we remain in our roles waiting for the correct changes to come to pass. These changes do not come quickly enough. I am only stepping down from this store, If I am to be demoted, or fired, that be it of the company’s volition. I believe wholeheartedly that change does not come without sacrifice. However, I also believe this company has sacrificed thousands of people for that cause. I do not stand with these beliefs. I do not stand with Jenna Owen’s “Principles,” and I no longer stand with promoting within this company. I will always have the potential that I had with you, but I will no longer let it be squandered by a regime of capitalism.  

March 10, 2020 4:28am

Alright. We're back once again, because that's how being bipolar works. It's cyclical. That and I've been drinking because that's how I find a way to cope. And this isn't going to help. I guess I realize that now. The only time I ever write here is just as a last resort because I don't have anybody to communicate with. I don't fucking care anymore. You can have your Mansion and your stupid fucking happiness. I'll take the darkness

July 7, 2019

Hey there. 

So I’m really good at not finishing things and I don’t really intend to finish this one or anything. I guess I just kind of need to get some shit off my chest. Ergo, I’m here. That’s kind of what this is for after all? 

I guess I’m just kind of curious as to why I even try with a lot of things anymore. It’s getting a lot harder to decipher between what I used to want and what I want now. I’m letting Cas go to bed alone and that’s honestly just kind of dumb. I guess I just still feel lonely at this point. I asked a dumb question and with dumb question comes dumb answers. She had some nude shoot she did saved on her phone, and she thought that shed had sent it all to me. She didn’t. Not that it really matters, but I would like to think she would t least remember that. This whole blog is just a distraction I guess. I’m trying to delay the inevitable heartache that I know will ensue pursuing her in any romantic fashion. I’m too drunk to write well and I’m too sober to deal with feelings I guess. Ya know, It’s not my fault though. After I mentioned it wasn’t me, she took a step back. Kind of like she knew it wasn’t me. It’s hard to write write now. Do I drink more or do I just go to sleep? I guess I’ll sleep. Not that it matters. Kind of done at this point. 

So, I've been a way for a while. It feels odd coming back to something I used to love. I remember trying to keep up with it, but I don't remember why I didn't. I do still love writing. I think I've just lost the energy to sit down and actually say anything. I used to have so many good things to write about, and now I have nothing. Truth be told, I've done some terrible things recently. Things that I'm not proud of. Things that I dare not whisper under my breath amongst even a sea of strangers. I fucked up. And it's cost me more than I'll ever want to admit. I've made a decision thanks to a great friend. That decision is to suck it up, accept that things have happened, and be the better person I've always wanted to be. For starters, I'm not drinking anymore. My decision to make alcohol a priority in my life has been one of the biggest hurdles I've put in my own way. I won't let that drag me down any more than it already has. I'm also going to overcome the terrible predicament I've put myself in. But we'll get to that later. I've also decided that keeping friends out of my head probably hasn't been the best thing. I go through so much shit and keep everything to myself out of fear. Fear of being let down, or fear of being judged, and I'm so damn tired of being afraid. I want to live again. Not just breathe and do things, but really live. Trust people again and let people in. That kind of living. I'm gonna work towards tomorrow, instead of wallowing in self pity about the past. I'll prove that I can do it. I'll prove that I can be better.

Old Style

The night started off terribly. I love Pathfinder, but I couldn’t handle it. Aron pissed me off too much. So I ran away. Walked actually. I did come back to grab my stuff. I left in a hurry. I hurried, because I finally had something to hurry back to. Jaz. I rushed to her house as fast as I could. She called me because she was worried. So I got her some food and got to her house. I’m glad I did. I arrived. She scrapbooked and I called David and bitched. After I got off the phone I went back in. Old music was playing. I’m skipping a lot so I can get to the good parts. But we danced. To old music. The kind of music I listened to when I was a child. It was the greatest feeling. Just dancing. I was super pissed off. I was in one of my fits. It just snapped back into focus with her though. One of the biggest parts of tonight was a riddle. Don’t tell me what it is! You can see nothing else when you look at my face, I will look you in the eye and I will never lie. I thought of a lot of things. But the first part got me. I can’t see anything else when I look at that girl. She makes all the things disappear. I look at that girl and I can’t help but smile. I’ll tell you the rest later. She deserves my attention.

July 27, 2015, 4:17am

This one's for you

So, I’ve been drinking first off. I’m waiting for this thing to download and I’ve been thinking. It’s an idea. It’s a hell of a lot of something. I’m not sure I want this. At the same time I do…. The things that I’ve heard you say make me think of things that I don’t know how to think about. It’s a hard spot in a tough situation. That’s kind of the way things work with me though. I’m honestly scared. I’m not sure if it’s how I’ve always been, or if it’s something I’ve developed over time. You’re so determined and adamant. You make me feel weak. I feel like I’m a shooting star that’s travelling across galaxies until I burn out. I’m a wish. I’m a wish upon myself. I don’t know how to accept this. The worst part is that I’m screaming out. I’m trying to explain exactly how I feel, but how fucking could I? How could I take that chance? I want it, and I really believe that this might work. That’s what I’m afraid of…I’ve only told a few people the thing that I’m afraid of. It burns in my very soul. Snakes have never bothered me. Honestly, I’m friends with quite a few. I’m not afraid of spiders or the dark. The future doesn’t frighten me and neither does the past. It’s being alone. It’s a double sided concept though. I’m afraid of being alone, but I’m afraid of wanting to not be alone. I want this. I want to say that I’m ready for this. I’m fucking not though. Yet, I’m going to go for it. I live for adventure, and you smell of things that I haven’t known. I want to know you. That scares the shit out of me. I do live for adventure though, so I guess I’ve already made my decision. And that’s to live in the moment. I want to know your plans, but to tell you the truth… I don’t have any.

July 18, 2015, 4:12am

Late night writings

I want to go where the stars can be seen. I want to lie in an open field. Gazing up into the unknown. I want the moon to brightly shine down upon my face as I feel helpless. I miss those days. We used to get high in the midst of the night. We would all lie on our backs, with our heads in the most perfect of circles, staring up at the future. At least, that’s what I was staring at. We would exchange words if the silence was too quiet. All of us thinking to ourselves. We were stoned out of our minds. Actually, we were stoned into them. Our thoughts drifted into the very stars that we were gawking at. I can’t help but think we were all thinking the same thing. “What comes next?” We were philosophers of sorts. Asking a single question only to arrive at a million more. What will come next? I’m still unsure of a lot of things, but I’ll always be sure that in those moments was when I felt most at peace.

July 10, 2015, 2:50am

Nobody likes you when you're 23

Especially when you don’t like yourself. I honestly don’t know where to begin. The start is usually a good place, but I don’t think there was a start to this. At least, there wasn’t 2 hours ago. I guess I’m just lonely. Alcohol isn’t a very good friend. I tend to say that I don’t have real friends due to the fact that I can’t fully trust anybody with my life. That’s an honest friendship, and I don’t have that anymore. I used to. Things happen and people change and life goes on with or without you. Momentary interruption so I can post that amazing quote for some self indulgence…so move. As I was posting that, I felt like it was my reply to myself. I didn’t add that in though. I think sometimes people need to be sad. So they can fully appreciate being happy…Or at least appreciate it more. Honestly, I’m… I don’t know where I was going with that. Dustin called and I thought it was a good idea to answer. It was 15 minutes of begging me to hang out with him and John since everybody was passed out. I wanted to, but this was a better option for me. I need to get something off of my chest. Everything actually. Well, I told them no about 50 times and eventually just got off the phone. Then I thought it a good idea to call Rach for a solid talk and of course it’s too late. I love her, but I miss having somebody who answered no matter what time of night it was. That and I feel like we do our best as humans to make conversation. We talk a lot, but do we really say what we want. That, I think, is another good quote for the books. I’m getting more upset that I was to begin with. If I were vlogging then this probably wouldn’t have made it to the press. (I wouldn’t have agreed to publish such a horrific piece of work) That is to say “happiness by the kilowatt” is playing. The live version. It really hits home. Like I thought Aiden and I were going to do. I was wrong about a lot of things. Anyhow… Victoria texted back. I think that things are better let the unsaid. I broke up with her for cheating. And despite me trying to make this as healthy as possible, I feel like she might be with somebody else right now. In mind or spirit or physically. It took her over an hour. I don’t think insecurities count in this department. I looked into her eyes and thought that I found a safe place. It seems that my eyes and my heart and my mind only wish to torture my soul. Forever and always. Predictive text saw that. Those words…I’ll never be sure. I’ll never be sure of anything really. Only because I know that as soon as life deals a hand, it’s willing to burn a few of the cards.

December 14, 2014, 4:45am

Title

So, I felt like writing. I’m kind of in an off mood. I basically keep telling myself there isn’t a problem when there is. It’s been bothering me for a bit now. I think it’s just been getting worse as each day passes though. Why am I so caught up in a relationship anyways? Why do I keep telling myself to hold onto something that I’m not sure I should hold onto anymore? When does the point come that we stop holding on, and start to let go? Because I am honestly trying so god damn hard. I’m hiding it from my friends, and from myself, and from her. I want this to just be a temporary feeling and to know that I can carry on after a few days of being down, but how the hell am I supposed to know what tomorrow is going to bring? I sometimes wonder if anybody out there is feeling the same exact emotions that I’m feeling at exactly the same time. Lonely. Exhausted. Unwanted. So many other words that I’m just too tired to even say. I just want to be happy. Maybe even content at this point. I’m making it seem like this is all about my relationship. I should tell you now, it’s not. Sigh. It’s about all of my life. I can’t expect one person to fix how broken I really am. Maybe it would be possibly if they really knew...I’m not ready for that though. I’m not ready for anybody to see me. Not the real me. I know that eventually it will have to change. I don’t want to hurt anybody, but I also don’t want to hurt.