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What a complete asshole you are. No character development whatsoever

Masquerade by takoyakitenchou

the hard launch lol thank you for reading :’)

You ever feel that you only got to where you are because you just got lucky? That no matter how hard you try, you’re just mediocre at what you do?

...yeah. Me too.

I think it’s high time I admit that I am not okay. Haven’t been for the longest time. 🙂

I never liked being too happy because I know something’s about to bust sooner rather than later. I just hope my life doesn’t turn for the worst

Funny how my innermost thoughts went from being dependent on someone else for my happiness to loving and loathing myself at the same time because of all the growing up I’ve been doing these past years.

I remember being 3 years old and answering my preschool teachers then that I wanted to be a doctor when I grow up. It was my constant answer. And it was the reason why I always wanted doctor playthings at home.

I remember being 7 and wanting to be with my brother while he was confined in the hospital because of his concussion. I remember wanting to stay there with him and my mom not because I was worried of my brother (I knew he’d be okay) but because I liked hospitals and I liked seeing doctors and watching them do their stuff.

I remember being 12 and discovering the world of Dr. House.  I remember telling myself that one day, I will be like him. I’ll be as good as him, even as mean as him. (Lol) But I will be good at what I do. And that I will be a doctor. I remember that moment well.

I remember being in our highschool career fair in my junior year. I was with my dad and this woman was giving a career talk to us. She was a doctor from PGH. She shared how she struggled in highschool then but ended up being a doctor eitherway. I remember feeling both hopeful and doubtful that I’ll even have the opportunity to get to med school because my dad lost his job and we were barely making ends meet. But I remember the encouragement. How my dad told me we’ll make it happen and that I should pray and work hard. And so I did.

I remember being in college. On my 3rd year, people were already thinking about getting the NMAT. I wanted to take it but then I didn’t have the funds. I spoke to my parents about my desire of still going to medschool and be a doctor. They told me to pray and that it’s not possible. But back then I felt defeated. I knew it will just be left as a dream. We’re not exactly financially able. So even if my parents had me research schools, a part of me was not hoping anymore. 

I remember being 4th year in college and medschool wasn’t even in my mind anymore. A part of me accepted the fact that it’s not gonna happen so I opted to be realistic. I started thinking of a career that I’d like. I was leaning on being a psychologist instead but I ended up liking the thrill of the corporate world more.

I remember being 20, fresh out of college, and landing a job immediately after summer. I remember being asked about my 5 year goal and back then I said I wanted to be a doctor but I knew it wasn’t gonna happen. We weren’t financially stable then. It’s not possible. My then boss accepted it and believed it. Back then, It was tough. I mean we were just starting to get stable. I was finally helping pay for some bills at home. I’d give back to my family every now and then. It worked and I enjoyed it. I had the time of my life. I explored, travelled, met people. And I’m immensely blessed that I was born to this family who supported me in every thing that I wanted to do. I even had brothers who would also push me to be the best ate I could be. 

I remember being 21 and feeling burned out. I thought I liked recruitment. I thought it was gonna satisfy me for the rest of my life and would compensate as a back-up plan for my failed doctor dream. Apparently it didn’t. That same year I spoke to my parents and they pushed me to take the NMAT. They even enrolled me to a review center so I could prepare better. Sadly, though I passed, I didn’t get good NMAT scores. --Well not good for my standards and for other school’s standards as well. My friend from PLM who was in his 2nd year in medschool at the time told me to try and apply to his school and I did try. But only because I had a crush on him. Not because I really wanted to. (Haha I just want to get this one out there lol) But there. After taking the NMAT that year, I still didn’t think we could afford med school so I just decided to go back to work. 

I remember being 22 and having the time of my life. I just finally had a boyfriend, I went to many places, even flew to Singapore on my own to meet my aunt. I remember having one of the toughest tasks at work because they felt that I can do it even if the management doesn’t really allow newbies to take on a senior role, I was given one. I was even OIC on many occassions. Life was good. But then every now and then I remember feeling empty. I knew recruitment still wasn’t what I wanted. And so I spoke to my parents again about taking the NMAT. Like the year before, they said I should take it again if I wanted to. This time though I decided to pay for everything on my own. I also reviewed on my own and it worked. I got higher scores. :) I remember being in SG and talking to my ninang about my plans. She told me to update her about it. And so my hope of being in medschool was ignited. 

I remember being 23 and after talking to my parents, decided that I wanted to go back to school and pursue medicine. They asked “what about the funds?” I shared to them how my ninang told me to update her about it. I thought then that it was my ninang telling me that she’ll fund my studies. Turns out she was just genuinely curious about it and just wanted to be involved and be in touch, which don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a lot to this day. But nonetheless, my parents still said that they’ll support me as much as they could financially as well. You see, by the time I was 23, things were getting better financially in all aspects. We also moved to our own house a few years prior; we weren’t renting anymore. We had a place we called ours and my parents placed it under my name. God is good. :) So going back, my parents supported me and helped me apply to one medical school. It was my college alma mater. The interview came and went and I passed with flying colors. :) Since I already passed, I decided to quit my job and go to med school. Unfortunately, God told me not yet. Because of the lack of funds then, I wasn’t able to enroll on time. Was I devastated? of course I was. But I kept faithful. My parents told me to keep praying. And so I did. 

I remember the months after quitting my job how I lapsed into depression. It was a tough time. I gave up my career and now I was stuck with no income and money. Back then my parents didn’t want me to work anymore and just wait for the next school year to start. So I did. I remember feeling lost that time. Being a bum. I didn’t like it. I often found myself crying at 3 in the morning willing for everything to end. I remember wanting to die and almost committing suicide one to many times. I remember it all. 

By the time I turned 24 in 2019, I decided to get myself together. And stopped just following orders. I decided to apply to another medical school too. (and my dad and brother even came with me!) I got a job to also earn a bit. I remember applying to this state medical school because it would offer low tuition fees that we could afford. I studied my ass off for it, even tried to pull some strings for it. But unfortunately, I failed. I tried to ask for a reconsideration with the help of some connections but it didn’t help. (I mean the admin of the medicine office in that state medschool told me to do something else to have it reconsidered but I opted not to. I didn’t want to earn my slot throught my “connections”. I wanted to earn it because I deserved it. So I walked away from that school and never looked back). So you might be wondering how I took it lightly? Ha! I didn’t. I got depressed again. Drank my sorrows and even wanted to commit suicide again. I felt like such a failure. My boyfriend had to help me get through it. My family didn’t know I took it that bad. But do you wanna know what helped me then? I just prayed. And I cried to God every night. Until one day my parents spoke to me and said, why don’t I try applying to the school I applied to last year that I got admitted to? And I asked them “What about the funds? The fees there are double than what was being asked in the state medical college” and they just said “Just keep praying. And have faith.” 

And by God’s grace, everything fell into place. After going back to my previous alma mater, I was granted a reconsideration of my previous slot. I and one other were the only ones who were granted the spot and was reconsidered to be accepted. :) What’s more amazing was that we had the funds just in time for me to pay for my tuition. Though my boyfriend had to leave again for Australia, it also still worked out in my favor because I got to focus in medical school. 

And yes, you read that right. After all the detours and crossroads, I’m already on my way to reaching my dream. And I wouldn’t have done it without my ever supportive and loving parents, my 2 annoying brothers who never fails to keep me afloat, my 2 dogs, my relatives who are just as supportive, my boyfriend who’s also studying a continent away, and of course, the big Man upstairs! By His grace, I’m already in my 2nd year of medical school and will be graduating by 2023. 

By God’s grace, I’ll finally be a doctor by 2023. Fully licensed to heal by 2024. And will be saving and touching lives as soon as 2022′s clerkship. Prayers up, always!

2020 Blurry Vision

Funny how things are so different yet the same. How looking back makes you realize how far you’ve come. How nostalgic and bittersweet it is to realize that you made it. No, not to your goal, but you made it another year. You kept going. You tried. And yes you failed again at one point, to an extent almost gave up again, but here you are. Awake at 3am, alive with thoughts and emotions willing to be written down, and surprisingly healthy (as healthy as one can be in this situation).

To think that a year back, you were sprawled on the floor bawling your eyes out begging for the pain to stop. Desperately trying to choke back the sobs that’s been threatening to slip, threatening to wake up the asleep, threatening you that they’ll find out you’re not okay. And this makes you more scared. Scared of the fact that if they find out, they won’t take you seriously. Or that they won’t understand. Or worse, you break their hearts. And so you just allow yourself to drown in sorrow, anxiety, and fear — sometimes with your lover, but oftentimes alone.

Seconds, minutes, days, months, come to pass. You realize certain things idon’t really last. On most days, you’re thankful. Thankful that you kept going, that you trusted Him, that you asked for help, and that you tried again. On some days, you break. Because let’s be real, being 25 in this day and age isn’t exactly the ideal age to start from zero. It isn’t exactly the best time to find out that you’re basically mediocre at what you think you’ll excel at. Especially when you know your whole life you’ve always been the best at whatever it is that you do —if not, at least one of.

So yes, you’ve somehow kept the demons at bay for a while, relying solely on yourself this time around, but you’ve realized it’s difficult to put the mask on and pretend you’re okay. In the process you end up indifferent. Unfeeling. Often tired and clipped. But then you notice the people seeing the real you. Seeing how fragile and troubled you are. So you desperately mask it up and give a forced happy hello. You can’t let them see it. Nobody can know. But funnily tho. You let it slip. Alcohol makes you emotional and even more chatty. Funny how life is because when you desperately want to hide it, you blurt it out. You blame the alcohol but you also know that somehow, you wanted them to know. Why? You’re tired of keeping it in on your own, struggling to handle the tidal wave of emotions so you talk. You talk and talk and don’t stop. They listen and they accept you for it. They don’t judge you but rather feel with you. They take you in with open arms and you realize that this, this is the family you choose. You’re thankful.

Oh how you’ve grown though. How far you’ve evolved from being a quitter to being the trier that you are now. How selfless you’ve become and at the same time still a little bit selfish. How stronger you are, going through the notions of the new chapter of your life as just a mediocre girl. More often you fail and fail hard, you’re often alone and recluse. But you’re okay with it. You’ve found solace in being alone. You now know how to stand on your own. Your younger self would be proud. She’d be excited to be you. She’d be excited to grow.

From where you are standing, to where you need to go, dear, you’re not even close. But one thing’s for certain and as history has proven over and over again? Failing should always be your possibility, continuing should always be your choice. There will definitely still be 3AMs for you to lament about life in the coming years. Like how you are now, awake because of unkept self promises and commitments. Awake from the hunger of a love and affection from a lover. Awake of the fact that a lot can happen in the coming weeks. Awake of the fact that what’s happening now can kill you or the people you love. But also awake of the fact that there’s hope for recovery. Hope for change and self-betterment. Hope That there will be a breakthrough; A miracle. And people will wake up one day to find out that it’s over. That they too made it. That this storm of the world has already come and pass like the others who perished along the way. As dire as the situation is, There’s hope.

Look at you hoping. Look at you trying. Look.

So dear, keep going. Your frustration today will bear fruit in the future. You’ll make it. You’ll heal and offer healing. You’ll get that title and you will save lives. You’ll make them proud. You’ll give back. You’ll eventually also settle down. You’ll make it. Keep praying, keep trying, keep hustling and keep trusting Him. Keep going, dear.

So for now, Look forward to the day you get to look back at this moment. Look back as the person you wanted to be and realize again how life is different and somehow still the same.

(If ever this pandemic won’t be the end of you or the people you love that is. I hope not)

http://iglovequotes.net/

Don’t compare yourself to others, you’re doing great :))