Reblog this if you slept with my ex-wife Susan.

Trying to prove a point to my divorce lawyer.

You’ll know when you’re doing the fucking vs. being fucked

merry christmas. it is christmas every single day for two months straight from now until the end of december. merry fucking christmas

every year around christmas me and my grandma play this fun family game called “maybe you want to put jesus in your room instead, sweetie? :)”. now, it’s important to note that the jesus referred to in our game is not actually the real jesus christ, but instead a wooden figure i made in 2011 that has an uncanny resemblance to the lord and savior himself

so what happens is that i place jesus in our living room, and my grandma smiles and asks me if i don’t want to decorate my room with him instead. i ask her in return if she thinks my jesus figure is ugly (which he is), but she reassures me that this is not the case. however, a couple of days later jesus mysteriously disappears from our living room, and appear in my room instead

now, the real jesus christ might have been able to perform a miracle like this, but please remember that the jesus in our story is only a figure made out of wood. he can not move on his own, so i think we can safely say that my grandma is the prime suspect here

the first year i would often confront my grandma about this, but she would always make up an excuse and never straight up tell me she moved him because he’s so ugly it’s an embarrassment to the family

eventually i grew tired of her lies, so now we only move jesus around in silence. one second he’s in the living room, the next he’s back in my room. in a way i think this adds an extra element of excitement to the holiday season, because you never know for sure when jesus is going to be moved again

Happy Friday the 13th

a harry potter au where potions is taught by gordon ramsay

can we just appreciate the fact that my best friend, who in the past struggled with an eating disorder, called out my gym teacher bc he says a size 3 for women is “ideal”

(((The average now for women is a size 14)))

Draco: I can't imagine Snape with a sex life

Harry: wtf Draco...

Draco in creepy Snape voice: Move to position 394

Harry: -spits out pumpkin juice-

there’s a portrait of cedric diggory in the hufflepuff common room.

nobody knows who painted it. the other houses speculate, but the hufflepuffs know not to ask, because that’s not really what’s important.

it’s one of the moving ones, of course. sometimes cedric isn’t in it - it’s said that the portrait has a twin, over amos diggory’s fireplace, and cedric always loved his father. but he’s there enough, smiling down at the hufflepuffs who congregate in the common room, watching them as they go about their lives.

the portrait is by the door, next to one of the overstuffed yellow chairs. students sit there to talk to cedric, with some modicum of privacy. at first, it was his friends, the people who knew him and miss him and love him. but as time went on it became those who knew him by reputation. kids seeking advice, help with homework. someone to talk to, on a long and cold night. gradually, he became a legend, spoke in hushed whispers to the first-years as they came in. if you’re ever in trouble, talk to cedric. he’ll always help you.

after the battle of hogwarts, when the furniture was mended and the new students hesitantly made their way in, there was another portrait next to it, of hufflepuff’s favoured daughter. tonks, known by one name only, blew painted bubbles from her world of acrylic and canvas. while students came to cedric for help and advice, they came to tonks to ask questions. she would tell the most wicked stories, and some of them were even true. when someone needed cheering up, when they were wanting to brainstorm their next epic prank, they went to tonks.

she wasn’t always there, either. another portrait above a cot, where a baby with shocking blue hair could look at it and laugh. but when she was, she was always happy to have people come to her. when they did, it felt like she wasn’t just paint and canvas. she felt alive.

hufflepuffs look after their own, you see. dead or alive.

I hate playing “never have I ever” because I’m a fucking slut

Go big or go home 

We mourn. We remember.  We stand with the LGBTQ community against hate and violence.

i am broke, no harm in trying

this is the money dog, repost in the next 24 hours and money will come your way!!

narcissa malfoy was probably the most powerful occlumens in hogwarts history and nobody knew

she literally stood up to lord voldemort and lied that harry potter was dead and i don’t know about you but if i were an evil ruler i would probably want to triple-check that my nemesis was, you know, actually deceased

voldemort had actual doubts about snape

narcissa swans on by without a whisper, without a second glance