oh-child-of-the-sun - Tumblr blog

oh-child-of-the-sun · 2 months

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I want someone to tell me that everything I've been trough has been enough. That I don't need other reasons, that I can still feel bad for myself without feeling guilty for not having been trough worse.

I want someone to tell me that my feelings are justified, that my anger is understandable and that I can still grieve for what could've been.

I want someone to tell me that I can still cry about it, that there is no shame in it.

#sad thoughts #summer child #what about me #just girly thoughts #sadness #why does no one care #or understand #why is life so hard

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 3 months

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why is trying to make a new friend so embarrassing. hi. me again. asking for your attention once more even though i am literally just some random person to you. it's because i want to be not just a random person to you. please understand

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 3 months

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“When I was little, I asked my pastor if Judas had been in love with Jesus. He sent me back to my mother early, with a note for her to explain “things.” But no matter what anyone said, I couldn’t be convinced that the Bible was anything less than a love story. (I kissed your cheek in front of them all and in doing so, I think that I damned the both of us. You, to be left crucified and bleeding and paying for my sins. Me, to be left wandering and wanting and never to see your face again.)”

— K. Wright, Judas (via chazeatsbrains)

#judas iscariot #judas- when i catch you #when i catch you judas

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 5 months

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why is religious Christmas imagery all so joyful and pleasant? where is the inherent horror of the birth of Christ? A mother is handed her newborn child, wailing and innocent. Her hands come away sticky. Red. Simply by giving her son life she has already killed him. He is doomed from the beginning. Her love will not save him from suffering. Because the thing cradled in her arms is not a baby, it is a sacrifice: born amongst the other bleating animals whose blood will one day be spilled in the name of what demands it. the night is silent with anticipation. Mary, did you know? That your womb was also a grave?

#religious trauma #religious imagery #jesus christ #mary #sobbing #screaming #throwing up

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 5 months

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i can't casually listen to music. unfortunately everything i like makes me want to drop to my knees.

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 5 months

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Random writing thought: the best stories are often the ones that only you could have written — but also the ones that you could only write at this one moment.

I couldn't write All the Birds in the Sky from scratch now if I tried. But the me of 2013 couldn't have written The Prodigal Mother either.

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 5 months

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And yet I'm still an open book to you.

You don't know me. You don't know who my friends are, what I do on weekends, what tv series I'm watching, what book I'm reading.

You don't know my favourite colour, my favourite food, what songs I listen to.

You don't know me and yet you smell my anger a mile away, from the way my mouth twitches, from the slightest change of tone, from my pacing, from how I walk, from how I look at you.

And maybe it's because I've been mad at you so many times that you recognize the change of mood istinctively.

Or maybe I'm just an angry person, and that's why every time you look at me you ask me if I'm mad, if I'm nervous, if I'm on my period.

Or maybe I'm just perpetually angry with you.

I can't even glance at you without burning.

I look at you and all I see is a haunted house.

#summer child #sad poem #sad thoughts #fathers #shitpost #depressing shit

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 5 months

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MY FATHER IS THE WORST MAN ALIVE, AND I'M NOT EVEN HIS FAVOURITE DAUGHTER

#summer child #sad thoughts #fathers #dad #what about me

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 5 months

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fatima aamer bilal, ‘being unwanted is a language’ from moony moonless sky.

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 6 months

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"Do you ever dream of land?" The whale asks the tuna.

"No." Says the tuna, "Do you?"

"I have never seen it." Says the whale, "but deep in my body, I remember it."

"Why do you care," says the tuna, "if you will never see it."

"There are bones in my body built to walk through the forests and the mountains." Says the whale.

"They will disappear." Says the tuna, "one day, your body will forget the forests and the mountains."

"Maybe I don't want to forget," Says the whale, "The forests were once my home."

"I have seen the forests." Whispers the salmon, almost to itself.

"Tell me what you have seen," says the whale.

"The forests spawned me." Says the salmon. "They sent me to the ocean to grow. When I am fat with the bounty of the ocean, I will bring it home."

"Why would the forests seek the bounty of the oceans?" Asks the whale. "They have bounty of their own."

"You forget," says the salmon, "That the oceans were once their home."

#why am i crying about tuna and whales and forests and oceans

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 7 months

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on the enormity of love and desire when you are alone

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 8 months

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Sometimes I feel so alone the emptiness looks tangible, and the shivers down my spine resemble human touch, and the void around me swallows me whole as if to cradle a newborn.

#poetry #sad thoughts #sad poem #fyp

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 9 months

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leaving again. and again and again and ag-

I’m in the kitchen at 3:00 am and today is the last day in this empty house.

Tomorrow I leave for college.

All my friends are leaving their home for the first time and I can’t help but feel much older than them. I understand their grief for I have known it for longer than they have. And while they will return home one day, I will never see my home again. Will never feel at home again.

Behind me someone is watching.

I turn and look at them. They are eleven and they are crying. This is the last day they will ever see their home again. They look at me, our eyes meet – we look so scared and so very much alike. They’re mourning. I’m mourning for them too.

“Are you leaving home?” they ask me.

“I am, but not really. I don’t know where home is anymore.”

“Is it easier? Leaving without having a home?”.

“No. It just feels more lonely.”

They shiver, feeling alone for the first time, and then they’re twelve. They are about to hurt themselves irreparably. Our eyes are the same but theirs have so much more rage in them. They are angry at the world, at this city, at their father. At themselves. I’m angry for them too.

“So, are you leaving them?” they ask me.

“Yes.”

“Are you free now?”

“More than ever.”

They breathe a sigh of relief. I’m saving them. Now they’re 14 and they look happy, even though they’re not. They are leaving a house behind, again. They are a child without a home, still. Our eyes meet and our sadness is the same. They hope though, even after all this time. I have hope for them too.

“Are you leaving again?” they ask me.

“Yes.”

“Me too. Are you used to it after so many times?”

“In some ways. But I still feel as alone as the first time.”

They sob, acknowledging their loss. I smile at them and now they’re seventeen. They look at me and we smile at each other. Their eyes are so bright. They are aware that they’re about to lose something again. We’re losing a house again. They like to pretend they’re indifferent because they are so very tired. I am tired for them too.

“Are you leaving?” they ask me, but they already know the answer. We planned this moment a long time ago.

“Yes. It’s been a long wait, hasn’t it?”

“Are you ready?”

“Yes. I have been ready since I left home.”

And it’s true. They know it because they are ready too. I was ready at seventeen, just as I was at fourteen and twelve. I have been ready since I stepped out of my room for the last time, since I walked down the stairs of our garden to never do so again, since I kissed those walls goodbye.

They trust me, we have many regrets but we learned how to live with them. They disappear and I’m alone now, but not really.

I carry my past with me all the time, to remind me of what I lost and what I’ve gained.

What I’ve been waiting for.

#i moved many times over the years #and every time i lose something #it's not easier #college #leaving home #sad poem #poetry #sad thoughts #fathers

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 10 months

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I just wanna get out.

#summer child #sad thoughts

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 11 months

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"The warmth that fills him next is like he’s just touched the Sun. It’s burning, searing, flooding everywhere through him, like electricity, like a fire lit in his bones. It’s bright, it’s beautiful".

#poetry #summer child #the sun and the star

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 11 months

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"Sometimes you realize that you have a father but not a dad, but your dad still lingers in your memories"

#poetry #summer child #sad thoughts #sad poetry #sad poem #sadness #family #dad #fathers #family line #what about me #regret

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oh-child-of-the-sun · 11 months

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“I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.”

— Unknown

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