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Space dust
I am again at the beginning of this dark tunnel whose end cannot be seen. I know this time, I've been here before, but with each re-entry new obstacles and mousetraps come. No matter, I know I have to cross it to grow and finally find eternal light that is not just a short-lived match flame. You see, I thought I had found refuge, a refuge from all the shadows lurking on the dark side of the moon as some lunatic trampled the wet grass with its bare feet feeling free for the first time in its life. I realized late what illusions are, and even later that I live in one. It hurts. Indescribable is the feeling of a glowing blade that pierces the heart deeper and stronger. It just has to be felt to be understood, and I wouldn’t want anyone to understand that. And here I stand in front of everyone, stripped to bare skin so everyone can see the scars that took centuries to heal. I stand like a sculpture that everyone admires and analyzes, and no one asks who the artist is and who created it. Maybe it's better that way. I couldn’t bear to have anyone ask about the creator of that statue. About you. I would collapse like a tower of cards and that eternal flame would burn. Sparks would fly and jump around forcing casual passers-by to run like wild animals.
No one was aware of what happened to me, and even I am not sure. But I remember running outside the moment the story ended. The rain was pouring, the sky was screaming like me. Lightning and thunder filled my head as my soul came out of me and disintegrated like cigarette smoke. I was shaking, afraid of what would happen to me in the end, screaming but the voice did not come out of my lungs. The ground was cold even though my feet were burning. I refused to accept my own condition. I refused to accept the facts. This is not my reality. I am hovering somewhere between this world and some other dimension, another time. I live in an illusion. I am an illusion. Everything is an illusion. We don't really exist, but we want to exist and live life the way we "should". I opened my eyes and saw that colours do not exist - the world is just a grey cluster of bodies, buildings and unfulfilled dreams.
All the stories and beliefs in magical objects, supernatural forces, tarot cards, the position of the stars, God, the meaning and purpose of life ... it's all a lie. None of that really exists, because ... nothing really exists. It is just our projection of thoughts and desires. These lies allow us to hide the ugly truth forever - everything is meaningless.
So tonight, when the clock strikes midnight, in a time zone that is not mine, you will remember that someone loved you. You will remember how dreams still cannot become reality and how nothing will be the same anymore. Never again, I say one last time. You may laugh, get angry, or maybe cry. Don't. Stay face stone and erase me from memories because I never truly existed. Delete pictures, messages, feelings and anything that can sometimes, in a few years, associate you with me. And I will watch and guard you as I float in space and become dust.
And unfortunately, I was right ... we could have achieved everything and succeeded, but not in this lifetime.
I love you.
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Another beautiful day outside and I'm starting to feel bad again. The sun, blue sky, song of the birds and giggles from kid waken in me something so dark, so bloody...
Is it because of the fact that I hate heat? Or because everything is alive but I feel dead? Or does everything beautiful just remind me of you?
I don't know why Im like this. I truly have no idea. Is this all the Universes plan? Should I be destroyed? Why me? Oh how many times have I asked that question and I still couldn't get an answer... why me? Why do I always have to experience pain and tears? I'm certainly not the only on but still, why can't I be full of life, why can't I honestly smile and thank some higher power for being born and being alive and healthy?
Its fascinating to me that I avoid the sun and its warm light, but Still mimic it during the night with light bulbs and other lights. Why do I feel so comfortable and safe in the dark? What is it with the moon that just drags me to it? I clearly am a lunatic. But when I look at it I can still see your laughing face, and when it's windy I still hear your laughter. Why does everything aesthetic remind me of you? And why does it hurt so fucking much?!
I hate today's standards and "rules" for love. Why did we have to be so open and public? Why were your so controlling yet I felt safe? Why did you sent me songs that I can't listen to every again and not think of you? Why why why? I've been trying to talk to as many people I can just to push our chat down somewhere where it can be lost so I done see it "I love you too bye" 3w ago... why are some sentences you said still in my head? Why didn't we try to compromise? Why wasn't i good enough for you? Why can't I delete you, your pics, chats, messages, voice, videos, number... why do i still have you memorised as "future husband"?. Why are you still with me, but I not with you? You blocked me on everything. Pushed me put of your life completely! You started talking to other girls as soon as you would get mad at me because I couldn't read your mind. But I didn't. I was so loyal and for some unknown reason I still am even though I don't have to be. We are just.. perfect strangers now.
And honestly, I'm done saying it's not you, it's me. In reality, it's both of us! And deep inside we're aware of it but don't want to admit it.
It's interesting how a person can make you feel so good and then so bad in a matter of months. You broke me and yet you don't give a single shit about it.
You know what's still funny to me..? We used an app and we both promised each other it's gonna be "our app" aka we wouldn't text anyone else there but... you were last online there on February 14th, 10AM my time ( about 4am yours) and our last messages were on the 5th. So... I'm "happy" to know you're talking to others. Good. Eliminate me fully even tho i know you still think about me. I know I'm still in that one golden corner of your mind.
But it doesn't matter that much anymore anyways. Broken glass can't be put back together anymore. I wish you the very best and I'm sorry I couldn't be there to see you smile and grow.
I love you.
Always have.
Always will.
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Just give me a signal
That's all I need
Years passed and I am single
Pls don't let me bleed.
Just take my hand
And lead the way
May your lips be like sand
Something that's gonna make me stay.
I'm in so much pain
Lonely and cold
This life is just a game
Let my heart be sold.
I know you're just a stranger
But you need to trust me
I'll protect us from danger
Give me a chance and you will see.
I will always be there
Promise I'll take good care.
Kiss me, don't just stare
2 bodies 1 soul. I think that's fair.
Imagine, you and me
Just the 2 of us of us in this city.
Your lips on my neck
There's no turning back.
What if you are the ONE?
What if the pain is gone?
I just wish you'd like me
And set my soul finally free.
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