Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

Well... here I am, playing the game.

I guess I’ll start this blog off with a bit about me, background info and all that so that you can get a sense of what sort of person I am and whether you’d be interested in reading what I have to say.

26 years ago, a woman who already had two children, had lost another was told she would never be able to have children again. Little did she know that a little over 9 months later that would be proven wrong, very wrong. 

That woman was my mother, having had her first child at the age of 19, and then having her second at 33. At the age of 35, back in 1991 she was considered old to become a parent. However, on the 3rd of September another ‘bundle of joy’ entered the world. My father considered it (me) a miracle, my mother... not so much. However this isn’t a blog to complain about my mummy issues. I was a sickly child, ear problems right off the bat. No eardrum in my left ear meant that I was deaf in that ear. Some skin grafts, and grommet implants later I could hear if somewhat poorly but it was there. My childhood was spent learning how to lip read - just in case the worse should happen. A skill I am very glad to have use of now that I am older. 

After that I lived what would be a relatively normal and healthy life up until being about the age of 6 or 7. We were on a family holiday, and just like any other child my age I enjoyed playing on the parks. One summers day in Cornwall I was playing on a slide, which was perhaps a bit too steep and surely enough I came flying right off the end. An accident most children would just happily get up and walk away from, maybe shed a few surprised tears. I however, couldn’t get up and walk away. I couldn’t move at all. My parents rushed me to the hospital where after scans and X-rays it was revealed that I had a couple of muscles missing from the base of my spine. The doctors said it was fine and my back would heal in a few days, which it did but what we didn't know is that this was about to open up a whole new world of problems for me.

When I was 9, like any other child my age I was obsessed with horses, the whole ordeal with my back long forgotten my parents invested in giving me riding lessons. I was a natural, I competed in jumping competitions and went riding twice a week for 6 years. All was happy and great until one day, while out on a trek my horse was spooked down by a river and after rearing up I was thrown from the saddle only to land on a rock in the river below. This accident, which thankfully didn’t break any bones did however have a very bad impact on my back. I was left bed ridden for weeks and unable to do any physical activity, I was an active child with horse riding and dance classes, fencing lessons, karate, you name it I did it. However now I was unable to do any of it, and advised that anything of that nature may be dangerous to my condition in my back as one wrong move and i could paralyse myself for good. 

Fast forward to when I was 18, I had become accustomed to not being able to be as active as I once was however my weight suffered for it. I ballooned in size, even tipping over 20 stone on the scales but at least i’d had a good few years of being in good health behind me. Then the wisdom teeth started, one by one they all grew in but they were coming through diagonally and therefore smashing the teeth in front of them and moving the rest of my teeth forward. Four years and two teeth extractions, 10 fillings and one root canal later the problem with my teeth seemed to end. By this time I was at University. 

University was a great experience in my life, Making life long friends, having my first full time job. I even managed to meet a guy not long after I got there and I thought everything was perfect. I’d had a few boyfriends before I went to university, one even lived with me and my parents for a while but none of them had ever been serious. This new man in my life made me feel special, he made me feel like I was worth something. The first 6 months of our relationship was bliss, he came from a wealthy family, something I did not so he showered me with gifts, took me out for expensive meals and took me on trips away. However the bliss was to be short lived. Without going into too much detail the long and short of it is, I was in an abusive relationship. He would guilt trip me into doing things I didn't want to do. He would do whatever he wanted to me even if I said no, and I was in a bad place. I tried to get out time and time again but he would always hold something over me to make me stay. He blamed his sleeping around on the fact that I was depressed and down. A long 18 months after we got together it was the end of University and I was getting ready to move back  in with my parents 2 hours away. This was my chance to be free. I broke up with him and stood my ground. However the last two weeks of Uni were hell from that point on. Luckily I had a few male friends who would take it in turns to stay at my house so I never had to be alone when he so predictably turned up at my door step every evening. Harassing me and trying to break down my door. The two weeks passed and my parents picked me up and I was home. The harassment stopped maybe a week or so after I got back to my parents house, he’d found himself a new victim. I did what any honourable woman would do and messaged the girl a quick warning, whether she took my advice or not was up to her. 

After Uni I started working full time for Subway, a reasonable job but I wasn’t completely happy. After 18 months of suffocating in that relationship I had isolated pretty much all of my friends. The only person I really hung out with was my dad. This was when we realised that I had anxiety. I would never want to leave the house if I could help it and I wouldn't ever try and engage new people in conversation. During an argument one night my mother said how pathetic it was that i was 23 and my only friend was my dad. This lead to me going into online dating. I was getting a lot of male attention, and something my ex had said was stuck in my brain ‘good luck getting anyone else to want to be with you, you’re fat and ugly and nobody would want you.’ well, this proved him wrong all these men wanted me. Even if I wasn’t a typical skinny, pretty girl. After a year of one night stands, meaningless flings and douchebags I realised this really wasn't what I wanted. I stopped using the dating site and this was when I met him. The man I’d always been waiting for.

We had a brilliant first date and saw each other regularly from then on. I realised this is the first time I had been truly happy in a relationship. No second guessing, no jealousy, no self-consciousness. I was happy. After a year we were engaged! Me, engaged?! I couldn’t believe it. We were living together, with his old roommates and this is where the problems started. We lived with a married couple and they both hated me, right from the offset for no reason what so ever.

 In the first year we were together I was suffering from the common cold a lot, at least once a month. And with each cold came an accompanying ear infection. I’d had 10 within a year time period, the doctors were baffled and gave me endless antibiotics and a flu vaccine. About 6 weeks after I moved in with my fiancé and his roommates, 6 weeks into a brand new job in a call centre. I suffered an ear infection so bad that I was left 90% deaf. Remember how I said I was glad to have spent my childhood learning how to lip read? Anyway obviously working in a call centre, being deaf wasn’t any use to them so they fired me. A few months later I had some surgery which meant I could hear again, just not very well. During the time with being off work I was stuck in the house on my own all day while he was at work. One of the women we lived with also didn’t have a job, and because she didn’t like me she made me feel uncomfortable in my own house. I became depressed, I was down and out in every way and was put on antidepressants. I thought they were making an impact and I had some of my drive and ambition back but then disaster struck. 

My beloved dog, who I had left with my parents in hope of bringing her over to be with us once we had our own place had to be put to sleep. Now, I’ve suffered loss before but none of them hit me as hard as this one did. I was beside myself, I didn't know how I would ever get over it. And to be honest to this day, I haven’t. This lead to my depression getting worse. We decided for my health and my depression we needed to get out of that house, we needed our own place so thats what we did. Two months down the line we have our own house, and he decided that i needed company during the day so one day we go to pets at home just to ‘have a look’ and came home with two rabbits. They were going to live as house rabbits, and that they are doing. Currently racing each other as to who can drink the most, while doing it more noisily as i am writing this. The companionship helped, and the fact i had something to look after gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I felt refreshed, and soon thereafter I was back in work. However, this bliss was to be short lived.

A little after two weeks into my new job I became ill. Vomiting continuously and unable to get off the toilet. I figured it was just a bug but it wasn’t oh boy was it not. I’ve always been a ‘sicky kid’ I don’t have a strong stomach. Everything makes me sick, travelling, rollercoasters... cucumber. But this was something else. After 6 weeks it became apparent that it isn’t just a bug and so the tests started. Needless to say I was fired from my job again but I was soon signed unfit for work anyway. I was unable to leave the house through fear of not being able to reach a toilet in time. 

Now we have a diagnosis, at 25 years old. I have just been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. Basically, my stomach lining and my bowels have just given up. After endless tests and prodding and poking this is where we’re at. 

So now to address the title of this blog, this blog is to encourage anyone who may have been through similar ordeals as I have to never give up. You may feel like the world is constantly dragging you down and like you’ve been given the short end of the stick. But please don’t ever give up. You will find good people who will help you through no matter what just like I have. And it’s going to be tough, very tough but you will get through it. My journey with Crohn’s has only just begun and there’ll be plenty more bumps in the road but just know you can do it. We can all do it together. 

nottblogs xo