uhh hi guys 😳 #thisismyfirsttimebackonthisaccountsincelike2017andidkwherwallofthemcrstanaccountswent

i’m politically incorrect. i believe: -the president is a motherfucker -black lives matter -people are the gender they say they are -“willpower” is not a perfect solution to biological limitations or societal discrimination -cringe culture is dead -reproductive freedom is essential -climate change is real, evolution is real, and vaccines work and if this offends you snowflakes❄, you’re welcome to LEAVE!

My mother was planning on gassing a crowded Italian renaissance-themed restaurant using a fireplace in the men’s room and I made it my quest to stop her. I ran into the men’s room so I could get to the fireplace first, but she got there before me and punched me in the face so hard I fell to the ground.

This image hurts my brain more than the original debate ever did. Brains are dumb.

People who are younger than you but taller

u ever have cravings that are like “you WILL eat a rice krispies treat or there will be consequences. you have 24 hours”

the Autopsy of Jane Doe is a fantastic indie horror movie & it’s on netflix!

ive been thinking and honest to god: i think i would actually join a girl gang if the offer came. like a legitimate, hierarchical, “let’s carry knives under our skirts and beat up men” gang. fuck college

so someone just said they’re “really interested in history” how careful do you have to be?

 “i just think history is interesting in general! i’m not interested in any specific part of it”: this person is most likely safe. never drop your guard though

“i’m interested in this specific subject or time period in history. (ex. ancient egypt,  the golden age of piracy, the history of the printing press”: still probably safe. be on the lookout for certain risky historical subjects. you should know them you see them 

“i’m really into WW2 history”: this is the caution zone, there’s plenty of valid reasons to be into WW2, but if they start talking about how Operation Sealion totally could have succeeded, it’s time to abort

 “i’m specifically into roman history, the crusades, prussian military history, and WW2”: danger! do NOT talk about history with this person. in fact, do not talk to this person at all. you will regret it, you do not want to know what they think of the treaty of versailles or why germany lost the first world war

if you dont believe in god thats fine but when extremely horrible things have happened and people are praying for the lost souls of children, it is not the time to speak up. it is not just “stating your opinion” it’s being an asshole

my wife’s so cute because we both love animals so much but her way is very pure and genuine whereas my family is:

me, holding up my cat: stinky

wife: no!! don’t be mean!!!

me, swaying him back and forth in the air: stinky bastard man

wife: No!!!!!!!!

my mother, not looking up from chopping veggies: naughty boy. brat cat

wife, distraught: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!