Scared myself this morning. It wasn't even really my fault. But I accidentally made an association, and that sucks. My friends argued. It's fine. That what friends do. As long as they can get past it. That's what I always say. But my one friend, i love her, she's amazing. But abrasive. It's good. Means she stands up for herself when she needs to. But it reminds me of my mom. She never backs down. Even if she's wrong. Or maybe even just.. not in the right. I don't know. It scared me. My other friend. The one on the other side of the argument. They're calm. They explain themselves. They didn't mean for it to become an argument. But it happened. It's fine. It happens. It just. I don't know. It just reminds me of my mom and her husband. They fight. It looks like this a lot. They haven't gotten along in weeks. I don't want them to fight. I like when they're happy. It feels like there's something I could do. But I don't know what that it. I don't want my friends to fight. They might not speak for weeks. But that won't happen I don't think. I just scared myself. I wasn't even supposed to be up. Even now I'm supposed to be sleeping. I'm back to pretending to be asleep. Pretending I don't hear the yelling. It's fine. I'll just ignore it. It's not that serious. I just scared myself.

I realize that I'm in social burnout and quickly careening towards actual burnout but we can act like I'm not, it's fine.

My mom says she's worried about me "again". Not sure what that means exactly. And I'm not sure how to assure her that this is different. I'm not sure how to tell her it's still bad, it's never not bad, but it's a different kind of bad this go-around.

I wish i was happier with my voice

you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out

Feels like I'm wasting all of my teenage years rotting in my bed, not doing anything. I don't even have any irl friends. I don't have a job. I don't meet new people. I don't go to parties

Like what am I doing with my life? What is even the point anymore? At what point do I realize I've fucked it all up too much?

I wonder what it's like for my mother to know that Failure is her daughter

Sometimes I look at the clock and it reads 2:47pm and I realize I haven't eaten today

Sometimes I look at the clock and it reads 10:32am and I realize I've slept in

Sometimes i look at the click and it reads 1:08am and I realize I should be asleep.

But sometimes I don't look at a clock and I lie there in bed knowing that I'll wake up in four hours anyway because I don't know

And sometimes I don't look at a clock and I wonder why everything can feel so wrong and yet be perfectly fine at the same time

Was it in 5th grade when I realized that I'd never be the smartest, the most athletic, the most loved? Was it then that I realized that I'd never be the best so I stopped trying

Was it 6th, 7th, 8th grade where I got below average grades, and almost failed 7th grade english because I thought why should I try if I'm only going to fail?

Was it 9th grade when I reclaiming my autonomy at night so I'd fill my sleep at school? Was it then that everyone watched me fail and told me to do better?

Or was it 10th grade when the great virus of 2019 hit? Was it then that I started truely failing classes? But that's not right, right? Because I was breathing then. Except I wasn't because I almost drowned myself in homework that I never did. And I almost ran away on Christmas day for being shoved away from my family. Was it then that I cried silently in the kitchen because despite being let back in to celebration, I had to gifts to give?

I think maybe that's when everything started going wrong. When I realized that if I didn't try then my life fell apart, but if I did try my life still crumbled.

I think that's when it happened, because I was so terrified of losing everything, and everyone just said to try harder. And so I did. But then it nearly drowned me again so I stopped trying.

And now I'm in college, and I never thought I'd make it here. And I have 20 dollars to my name, and I drive for 2 people even though I hate driving, and I can't tell anyone that I hate driving because it'll start a fight between my mom and my sister. And i can't affort gas because I'm not working. And I cant work because talking to people scares me, and doing a desk job sound dreadful and driwning. But I need a job because I can't live with 20 dollars to my name. I just need to try harder. Everything is fine. It's fine. I'm not losing anything. I'll figure it like I always do. Everything is perfect even if everything is going wrong. And I want to cry but it's fine if I just don't. And I want to vomit but there's too many people in the house that will hear and I can't let them know. I have be fine. I failed my first year of college because I tried too hard and I couldn't do it. I need a job. I just want to tell someone that I don't like driving without starting a fight. I just want to go back to the time when everyone would tell me what to do, it was better then. I hated it. But it was better.

And I know I'll never belong, but I have nowhere else to go, and they haven't kicked me out yet. Maybe if I just take a little less, be a little less, it won't matter so much that I don't have a job, it won't matter so much that I'm a failure. Maybe if I'm a little less everything will be better

But that's all at 1:08am

Soon I'll look at the clock and it'll read 6:26am and I'll think I should get up, then I'll fall asleep again.

And I'll look at the clock and it'll read 11:54am and I think dang I didn't mean to sleep that long. And I'll think oh I have homework to do.

And everything will be perfect with all its duct taped and superglued wounds