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poetrees
not breaking
right now somebody is falling into love with life again
some learning how to delicately hold love protectively
somebody somewhere lost their favorite person today , and although i too have lost my best friend
today i did not, i remain grateful
my gramma- lavender smell, perfect blue sky
autumn air, crisp
a gentle stream passing though ,
substance, the wisest lady, small build , incredible power , strength , a teacher a healer a protector
cody - summery grassy green- fairy like, often lost to others, found to himself, clear and grounded, cardboard box hugs, tall, better right eyebrow than me, my lifelong best friend
allison- gypsy parlor red , warm white christmas lights, mash mellow candles, soulfriendmate, dynamic, flowing with air, also grounded, growing into herself, best friend, i don’t tell her i love her as much as i should , bread - homemade , literally such a gift ugh
Maddy- sunset orange, old soul, stress ball, universal, understanding, easy to be around, lovable in a cute lil kitten kinda way, concrete, cold winter drives with windows down, often sad but happy to be here, only one i’ve shared real poetry too!
Bradley- yellow, burnt orange pocket tee , rays of beaming sunshine, so good at loving everyone else but himself, i wish he could, baskets, breakins, the sunset on the hill in delaware with vegan mac, soft hair, forehead kisses,
Megan- weed green, helpful, flowing with life and makes it look easy, solid, didn’t think she’d be in my life still, but happy she is, stoned always, big laugh, big sad
anmol - deep eggplant , home cooked , spiritual, expanding minds, small, big hugs, learning still, grateful for what this friendship has taught me in a big way, charged spiritually
yesi- hazy yellow, a real life bean, creative,
makes me think, balanced & determined
Meg - the softest glow of street lamp at night
growth put to a real test, incredibly beautiful soul, confused, so fucking warm
there are still leaves on a few of the trees
i am always thinking
where they are
who they’d be now,
where i would be with them,
i do know i want to be here though, which is enough for today
i know that my feet will continue to move beneath me
with great resilience, with unconditional love
for all that is,
this is a gift
these people,
street lamps reflecting misty air
a cloudy type of night
me heart is turning everything into poetry
and maybe this is the closest i’ll ever get to joy
maybe joy is just moments, pockets full of moments just like these
tonight i’m willing to find out
i’m still stepping into myself
and sometimes i still get clumsy with my love
but i do not recklessly collide and destroy
i am gentle , a butterfly , i am fragile
but bright like a warm june day
sun beating on cheeks, soft grass beneath uncovered feet
i still struggle deeply with learning and valuing unconditional love
as i know what i want, i do get impatient
i am human, i say , i remind i am just human
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poetrees
hippopotamus #1
i haven’t included anybody alive
in a poem sense summer
and before then was arizona, before then was her and him and all of them. so much past.
so many different versions of myself.
everybody who meets me now, gets this part.
this one i am proud of.
lustfully loving , learning love, lost love.
i think of the people that have been in and out of my life, never truly bothered by hands touching me, unwanted hands, soft hands.
i started counting the thread lines on my comforter ye last time i had sex. the dots, how much i spent on this hypoallergenic comforter, just to have them all over it.
so many things i have unraveled this year,
connecting stars in the sky, watching waves crash, i took so much time for myself. to just breathe.
there is this blinking red light in the middle of bumfuck nowhere backwoods country new york
and the light flickers and there is nothing and nowhere in the world
in this life
but this given moment , this small town, these wet porch steps that’d i’d rather be
i swear to god i can feel her heartbeat
through are extra comfy sweater layers
and thick winter jackets
this moment is everything
it is so easy to breathe tonight
the church is bright white
“in some ways i wish things were different too”
i think, i agree. i know we both met each other at a peculiar time
she, and i both two very different souls
rebuilding and constructing who we are in this life
she , holding closely what is important to her at this given moment in time
and me, unexpectedly not expecting
i wonder if anybody has sat on these church steps and watched this red light blink
if they have even noticed
i wonder if this church has held a queer person, i wonder
about the people here,
she has her eyes shut and i assume she must feel some of this too
the quiet that engulfs this town
it’s places like these that make me think
this is what we’re were for
all of us
to appreciate , to listen, to love unconditionally all that is around us always
my favorite thing about her right now is
listening to her talk about how much she cares about people , her family, her friends, the people she works with
her favorite animal is a hippopotamus and she listens to very different music than me, but it’s all beautiful.
and with each time our eyes connect
like dots on timelines, her , mine. tiny speckles, i feel the blood gunning through my body, i could start a house fire with just the warmth of my cheeks. when i say i feel things deeply, i mean that i knew you ...
i’ll leave that open for now
things i don’t know are what any of this means now if nothing. but i do know i want to sit on more church porch steps & listen to heartbeats and rain droplets & count the number of 18 wheelers pass through this remote town in the middle of bumfuck nowhere
i’m still scared i can’t love sometimes in a healthy way, an honest moment.
i still question who i am sometimes, & i don’t regret our decision to be friends. atleast right now.
this song is playing
she says she likes it because it makes her feel alive
i am grateful we took her very high tec new gadgety car
because i would’ve lost a wiper by now& we’d probably be in a ditch
i feel like i am soaring through and around the tips of pine trees
they smack against the sky
like a dark night painting
my heart twists inside of me of things from different times
i can’t escape any of it anywhere at any point
but i am always brought back to this moment
of soaring of listening , of dreaming
right now
i think this has been my favorite night of 2020
it has been,
i’m grateful for this friendship
i’m grateful that i’m not losing myself
i’m grateful i can develop care in healthy ways
i’m grateful that she is, and has her own beautiful life and gosh
there is something special that lives throughout this world
and i’m happy to be here to experience it
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poetrees
dark autumn orange, she
so beautiful it is, the seasons changing
and her and ...
i am the warmth that flutters through windows at dusk,
golden yellow
i am observant of this characteristic of mine, this time
i’m observant of her own ways
deep breath in
exhale
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dust
if the wind stops and the earth cracks open
will i still be able to find her?
would i find her this time
i am mostly skin these days
if you cut through me, you’ll find not one droplet of blood
you’d find that everything has left.
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This picture is from a trip to Sedona, which ended up being hands down one of the most incredible and important adventures along the way. Arizona is so diverse when it comes to landscape. You can drive two hours north landing yourself in Sedona. Which reminded a lot of Utah, it really felt like a completely new area of the world. It’s all red rock, and there is nothing like grabbing a cold brew from Oak Creek Cafe, trying macadamia milk for the first time and catching the sunshine. Sedona brought me a lot. I was in one of the prettiest places i have ever set my eyes on. It brought me to tears, really.
You can drive two hours south and hit Tucson, which is kinda like this old ghost town. There is not a whole lot there besides , University of Arizona. Which was my initial plan to attend. A lot of sand, a lot of sun. It’s this really quiet place and it has a very old western cowboy type vibe to it. Which personally i really enjoyed. Everything in my life started to slowly look different , everything felt quiet. Spiritual. ( i was listening to A LOT of mumford and sons so) and still am. I deemed myself explorer and climbed everything i possibly could in AZ. I was a tourist everywhere and everyday. It was an adventure. Life is really freaking weird.
I knew i had to come back to NY to finish out college. I knew at this point, i wasn’t done with Arizona yet. But i knew that i had to figure out a few things before i moved my whole life AGAIN. My brother and i were on different levels he had to stay, and i had to go and that freaking sucked. We might as well have been twins because we’ve always been attached at the hip.
So, i repacked everything, into my small hyundai and was on my way. Drove 2,000 miles back to NY alone. i slept in motels, hit a raccoon, and discovered one of the best coffee shops in Amarillo, Texas. I listened to my soul speak to me. Gut instincts. Before the move, everything was an uphill battle i couldn’t ever get ahead in. A lot of people who have drove thousands of miles (alone) cross country, have said they found it to help immensely with anxiety and confidence. Both of these i found truth too. I would really recommend anybody spending 3 days alone in your car with just your thoughts and some good music to guide you. You’ll come to conclusions that make a whole lot of sense. An unexplainable love. A set plan for what you wanna do next. You kinda forget you are by yourself for awhile but it’s really nice alone time. Before i moved to AZ, my anxiety levels were at a point of breaking. My sadness was crippling. I was cheated on and then dumped. Spending the remainder of my summer thinking what i must’ve done. As i think a lot of us do after these types of things. Like a hamster on a wheel, re running over and over until my mind was fried. Beating myself up over things that i had nothing to do with nor any control over. I know this now. I did this for years previous too, and all it got me was more sadness. So leaving NY will always be the best thing that happened to my little life.
Despite all of this awful there were/are so , so many more beautiful places and people to meet. Ultimately what i made everything into was up to me. I could either get better or bitter. Yeah, at first i spent nights eating oatly ice cream curled up in a ball crying into lavender scented pillow cases. Yeah, i would sometimes spend the entire hike up mountains repeating what i should’ve said. Or What happened. I guess i mostly learned during this time, not everything needs an answer or closure. Sometimes, things just are. And you’ll just have to learn to be okay with all of that. I literally didn’t know how to take back control of my own life or thoughts for a few months. I found repeating the past more exhausting than not. Eventually. Every-time a self hating bullshit thought came in i’d take full control of it. I was gentle. It was and still remains a tricky process. Someone told me once “to treat myself how i treated the people i love” I found that to be one of the best gifts i have received. Coming into myself.. This different more life loving, crazier, joyful, blonde.
Everything you need is always and will always be inside of you. Joy, confidence, love. All of it. It just really about opening yourself up, to the world and life. Knowing you are here alive and you are ready to stay. Saying fuck whatever happens, happens and i got this. Its about taking back control of your own head space. It’s yours and always has been. Mediation. Lavender Tea. Books. It’s about crying until your eyes bleed. Writing until your hands get carpel tunnel. It’s about shouting and screaming fuck you to the ones who hurt you. But allowing your i love you to always, always be a bit louder. It’s all about starting over and over and over again. Sunrise and sunsets. Letting the darkness come but kicking her out when she can’t help you anymore. Loving everything a bit more. Forgiveness for yourself. A pretty haired girl scrapping peanut sauce off your hummus. To only not finish even half of the hummus. Airplanes. Earth. It’s about letting love back in, despite all odds against ya. It’s about now, what’s happening right now in this very moment. Because time goes on, People hurt us. We hurt people there will be more of that. But you can’t get back time, redo things, and in your attempts too you’ll miss out on a whole lot of life.
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poetrees
i’m ok
i mean that this time
i’ve said it before but this time is different
things are easier when there are leaves stuck to the trees
most of my life in the past at least, has been quite tricky
i have a hard time still understanding some of it
so, you imagine the look on the faces of others when i share pieces of it
i have been working on everything
how to un-trick and rearrange all the bad parts
sometimes still, creeping from beneath my bed at night
shadows seeping through the floorboards here to remind me, who i was then
but this is now
there are birds flying all around me
and this place isn’t as bad as i remember
i have been looking towards things
instead of what has had grip on me for so long
i am trying to be kind to myself
the one thing i have treated so awfully
life is kinda like when your 5 and favorite thing to do is sparkle glitter glue all throughout your room
it’s kinda like a lightning storm in the middle of the forest
it’s kinda like watching the sky fall and being thankful for it all
it’s tripping over your own two feet and getting back up every.single.time
it’s needing nothing at all
it’s the way autumn leaves touch the sky
that honey smell in spring
it’s knowing that not everything right now , makes any sense at all
and learning to love it all anyway
s.b
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poetrees
“and we can remain a little broken
but we must remember to keep going “
s.b
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poetrees
the way you’re at the bottom of a bag of spicy nacho doritos before you know it
the way her hands felt like a slab of cold concrete right before they let go
the way light bulbs flicker before they burn out
the way you want to jump but never have quite the right timing
the way she looks past my eyes to see, me
i’m still learning
the way the sun beams through this bedroom window onto our skin
she’s so peaceful while she sleeps
my uncertainty is nearly killing me
the way of this heart it has always beat for me
and loving lately feels easy
s.b
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I went home in November, watched my sister marry the love of her life. I took my very best friend and we danced the ENTIRE night away. Squeezed my grandma tight. took my first plane ride, i’m such a lover of the sky so this was absolutely crazy. I texted all of the people i love before my plane took off, giving them a list of things to do if t should go. I was nervous, I was doing this all by myself in a completely new place. i scored window seats on the way there and way back?? which helped dramatically with the nerves. I remember thinking holy shit this is the most breathtaking moment in my life thus far.
I remember sitting in the car the night before with my friends near some water, we had a conversation about healing, about forgiveness. i’ll never forget it. I go back to it often and try to remember where i was mentally during that time.I was in the crazy mix of some soul healing , and i didn't know it yet. I have some of the most beautiful friends. Each with such a significant, warm way of viewing life and loving fully. We found the closest thing to a beach before i left, and i have never seen the sky and every single star before quite like that.
I was in absolute shock, and everything was surreal. i knew i did want to go back “home” to Arizona. That was the only place that felt truly like home to me, now.I was excited to go back actually, the skies were grey in NY for6 days and everybody drove slower than i remembered. It was a give and take game, i left every person i love, for myself. With that came good and bad. I was finding pieces of myself that i left on the sidelines for years. I was dealing with things i shoved down for way too long. I was taking care of myself for the first time in my life.
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The first few weeks in a completely new city were epic. Every street sign , coffee shop and person i met were refreshing. My first few weeks i got back into writing. I hiked EVERYWHERE. Sitting in a new coffee shop, putting everything you are feeling into something, and having it come to life is a good reminder that we are too. Alive. No matter what kind of day i ended up having, this always helped. My favorite coffee shop would be PRESS until i found Salad n’ Go and realized they had freakin organic 1$ cold brew and a salad drive thru! (thx to the girl i worked with) Rosevelt Row( downtown Phoenix ) painted head to toe in murals, and palm trees line the streets. The bars each, with their own something. I ended up trying a place called Somgbird Cafe just because the name was cute. Another was an old converted gas station , An LGBTQ+ flag hung along the window as a curtain. The coffee shops are some of the warmest i have ever stepped foot in.
Phoenix is massive, it’s like a city within a city, in another city and it never ends. At some point i spent time all over the valley. And each area had its cool own thing, moved very quickly and very,very populated. I found a nature preserve my first few weeks in AZ. The first day i went to do a solo hike i chickened out, i was too scared of rattlesnakes and maybe didn't think i could actually do a solo hike. I ended up back at the same mountain preserve a few weeks later. completed the 4.2 mile hike alone. This was the place, i left everything awful. i found it extremely difficult to be with my thoughts at first. i would rerun outcomes, situations, possibilities. It was exhausting, but i knew i had too go through it all. Each emotion, each feeling, each person. To get to myself. there is something extremely spiritual about the sunsets out west, especially 3,000 feet up.
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a few small things
how do i feel today?
both mentally and physically?
did i eat today? what did i eat today?
what is taking up most of my head space?
what will i do today that will bring me joy?
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Spending 32+ and a few days on the road is not only a beautiful journey , it’s also a very good time to collect thoughts and really truly reflect. I didn’t really know how desperately my soul needed this. There is something romantic about listening to Death Cab underneath thousands of stars. Something worth living for. A reminder of just how alive, even after everything we all still are
Passing through az successfully all i can remember saying is (FUCCC YEAH) Cody even cried a bit. We were both so, so proud of one another and ready to flip the page. The first stop was Petrified Natl. Park, which easily was a great way to kick things off. They don’t call it the “painted desert” for nothin’ Driving through the Tonto Natl. Forest was absolutely terrifying for me, my whole body was sweating anxiety and with each turn i thought my breaks were going to give out, i stopped at every check brake pull out spot and we freakin’ made it
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We moved, from Buffalo too Phoenix, My brother and i. Just two twenty- somethings venturing into the unknown. Sure we knew the sunshine would be meet us there but that was about it. A hyundai, a buick and a different kinda air. The drive is always breathtaking (him and i have done this a few times now) different routes each time, 2,000 + miles away from everything we’d know. New Mexico is hands down one of the prettiest places on earth, the skies bring something holy into life. We ate salad in lawn chairs, that we set up in Walmart parking lots. We raced each other down the interstate “last one there is a rotten egg” We said a final goodbye at the NY state line. I felt my dad everywhere, under different skies. I started .. to let her go. And maybe even wished upon a few shooting stars along the way here’s the story
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I saw the future I did, and it I was alive
neil hilborn
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