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wait i can abuse substances instead of feeling things
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A very, very late update, he broke up with me. My brain understands we're not together anymore, but my heart thinks we'll get back together, he sent me a voice message crying a day or two after we broke up, saying he finds hard to get by when I'm talking to him still, like how I always do, in the end he said he loves me
I know that in a couple days or weeks, I'll breakdown completely when the realization hits me, I love him so much that the fact I can still talk to him, or hear his voice even if its so rare, It make me so happy, I still have the smallest portion of your attention, and an even bigger portion of your love, how can I not be happy? My darling loves me, I'm jumping from joy. He's my darling but I won't be his anymore.
I might beg and pray for god to bring us close again, but I can't tell the future, I'm miserable right now but I'm trying to get by, will I ever get his heart again? Will I ever hear his laughter and see his smile again? Will I ever even hear his voice again? I'll beg until my love is wringed dry
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Today, he stopped mid call to ask if he could go play with his friends. I hope he knows I never mind, I just envy him more than anything, I wish I had friends that take up my time, I was a bit sad I can't lie, I felt a little stood up, but now it's okay, I hope he's having fun.
I don't want him to think he did anything wrong, he never did, but I never understood why I felt so weak around him, do I love him so much it weakens me? I wouldn't blame myself if that's the case, I like being weak in love, even if it hurts me so bad in the end, atleast I loved and that's all that matters, I love loving and I can't grow tired of it, even if it kills me.
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Today I also decided to make cinnamon rolls, they came out so well, but the icing was too watery .. I felt stupid because of that, icing isn't that hard why did I ruin it all in the end. But my parents said they like it and that made me happy atleast, I wish I could make him try it as well someday.
Right now, I've been waiting for him, I never thought I could love and miss someone so much, I hope he finishes playing soon, I want to hear him ..
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Sometimes I feel like my soul is tired, I never liked to do things that took up my energy, I'd prefer to sit down and do things rather than tire myself out, it's like being with him, I feel so happy and at peace, he feels like heaven to me
I'm so sleepy though, I don't want to fall asleep just yet
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This is my first time using tumblr, I decided to use it as a way to blog my life, whether people read it or not. I needed something to let me go.
I named myself after my favourite drama, I kinda related to one of the characters, I consider using this account as a diary almost? I also need ways to find liberation, just like the mc.
For now, nothing much has happened, I'm home all day waiting for my exam results, I already finished school, it's cold and I miss him. I think I want to find ways to be more independent, or not be so dependent on him, not exactly liberate myself from him but just not always be around him, I feel more like a fly than a butterfly.
This week I learned how to make dough soup, it's really good and easy for me to make, I'm actually very proud of it, next time I make it, I'll take a picture !!
I can't deny these past few months I've been trying to distract myself from.. myself. I feel too depressed and I sleep too much, I cried yesterday in call with him, I hope he doesn't think I'm weird, maybe I am? But I hope he doesn't tell me he thinks that.
I never expected myself to be with him, at first I just idolised him, when I told him I liked him, I completely expected a no
"He's too good for me"
"I'm not good enough"
"He's out of my league"
Now I'm with him and he's with me and I couldn't be sadder, I'm sad because I feel like I'm wasting his time and ruined things for him. This isn't exactly a vent, but I'm just being honest, I wouldn't be described exactly as someone's 'dream girl'. It makes any girl sad at first but you get used to it, I'm lucky to have him but he's unlucky to have me, and that's what's making me sad, I guess I'm over it now though.
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