"I hope you find yourself a flower blooming in your heart, maybe even the galaxy"
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pride skies part 1
[1] [2] [3] [Old Skies]
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“Time with her takes on a languid, looping shape. I’ve read about liminal spaces; heard about them from a friend during a drunken, nightly tirade or two. Bathrooms at concerts and school buildings during summer break and gas stations in the late hours of the night. Average places that feel like something unexpected and mildly frightening is supposed to happen, but you’re not quite sure what the thing might be.
She feels that way. A little off, a little strange. Like she shouldn’t be here but she is. I’m not quite sure what to do with her, so I don’t do anything. She just continues to dust and dawdle with her music and watch her wind around the store like a lazy river, smile round and full whenever she catches me looking her way.”
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Refusing the Narrative: Books to Educate Yourself
Riot by Gwendolyn Brooks - poetry - free PDF
Against Police Violence by Seven Stories Press - free ebook
The End of Policing by Alex S. Vitale - free ebook
Who Do You Serve, Who Do You Protect?: Police Violence and Resistance in the United States eds. Joe Macaré, Maya Schenwar, and Alana Yu-lan Price - free ebook
The Torture Letters: Reckoning with Police Violence by Laurence Ralph - free until June 6th
Police: A Field Guide by David Correia and Tyler Wall - free ebook
Them Goon Rules: Fugitive Essays on Radical Black Feminism - free ebook until June 10th
Twitter thread of links to PDFs/ebooks of fundamental texts
free library of Black history and activism texts
free library of critical race theory texts
free library of Black revolutionary texts
blk thots. - pdf library - for Black and Indigenous folks without institutional academic access
free download of the essay, “To Protect and Serve Whom,” from Mumia Abu-Jamal’s Have Black Lives Ever Mattered? Publisher is promising a free ebook version to come
Consider donating to some of the many local organizations and bail funds. If books will decide you in favor here’s a few publishers donating 100% of their proceeds.
Comprehensive list of where to donate & a list of bail funds for protestors
pizza pi press - 100% of book proceeds go to “different local org & bail funds”
Inside the Castle - $15 access to all ebooks, 100% of money raised goes to support BLM. So if you picked up a free ebook or two previously consider making a donation.
Blush Lit - 100% of chapbook sales will be donated to “Black Visions Collective, Minnesota Freedom Fund, or any other bail fund (just specify at checkout!)“ this week
Broken Sleep Books - fundraiser for Black Lives Matter - multiple prizes from poetry, etc. presses
The Atlas Review - donate to a Black organization based in Minneapolis such as Reclaim the Block or Black Visions Collective and get free books, details are in the linked tweet
Through Clenched Teeth anthology - “all proceeds will be donated to the Minnesota Freedom Fund, Black Visions Collective, or Reclaim the Block.“
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May 8th, 2020
I’m not a bad person or anything. Or at least I think I’m not. Or at least I try to.
And I don’t know I just feel so violated and so heartbroken that someone would ever do something like that to me. To an audience, without my consent or knowledge.
I’m so angry, and so scared. More scared than I am angry. How am I suppose to trust anyone again, to trust that no one would ever violate my trust like that. How am I suppose to go another day knowing someone that I really cared and loved would do something like that to me. To someone they loved before. How do I recover from this. How can I learn to be vulnerable like that again with someone and trust they won’t hurt me like that if we were to ever split.
Who did I become, that warranted this type of response? What does this say about me? Who am I, who I’ve been, and what I’ll become? If this was something I deserved?
I really tried my best. I did everything I could to try to make it work. I won’t apologize for not being being enough. I will apologize for hurting you so that you thought I deserved this.
If I knew that this would have been the outcome, I wouldn’t have let it happened. I feel like my lungs are filled with balloons, head made of lead. I feel like I’m crying dark red. I can’t touch my skin without feeling disgust.
I’m so confused. And so heartbroken
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to warmer days
i just woke up from my nap and im about to start class right now and idk
i woke up and i think i dreamt of her, I think. or like coming to her or something, on the train. or something. I remember dreaming about the falling sun.
I keep thinking about the morning i woke up hungover and had to go to the museum to present. I remember feeling really happy, and warm. I was super hung over and I remember feeling pretty and was just really calm as I was going home.
I remember choosing the corner seat on the train, how I felt the sun on my skin, how i watched her rise in her burning glory. I felt really happy, and calm.
I guess im not going to experience train rides again, like that. I won’t ever be going towards something on the train like that again.
I got out of bed after lying down for a while and i felt heavy. No one is home besides daddy and grandma.
and I walked outside, and, and It was so warm. There was so much light around me. I stared at the sun a bit, at how the sun looked on the flowers around me. How she reflected off the windows of my house. I stood there for a while, and stared at how it looked on my arms, my skin.
I went inside, and Im listening to we are bulletproof: the eternal. And i just feel like crying. It was just too much. Two overwhelming feelings hitting me at all once.
I am sad, but I am okay. Im okay no matter how sad I may feel. Im okay, even if I’m not. This is all okay. I felt really nice when the sun touched me gently the way she did. And i haven’t felt that in a while. I missed her a lot.
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Small
I live in a house, that lives in the city. My city in a county. County in a state. A state in a country, a country on a continent. A continent on earth. Earth within a ring of seven planets.
I am sitting on my chair, with the fan on, and it’s quiet. Quiet enough that, if I close my eyes and think hard enough, I think i can hear cars driving cities over. In a city of 60,000 people, in a state 40 million, I think there must be at least one hundred thousand girls sitting alone in their living room. One hundred thousand girls sitting in their living rooms, with family members sleeping in other rooms. A hundred thousand girls, sitting in their living room.
I think it’s something I wish i could internalize (in a healthy way) that it’s okay to feel insignificant. And that there are many people like me who are going through the same thing. This is so small, and it will go away. And you will be okay.
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his hips don’t lie
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kinda angry at you but it’s fine
April 26, 2020
I have been thinking about a lot of things and i don’t know. I keep asking myself whether or not my younger self would have liked/been proud of the person they became.
I think that within the last few years I kinda mellowed out. I became a bit more introverted than I was before. But this was something I never really got to “fix” or will away- the fact that I’m loud
Something my younger self would have hated about me now though is the fact that I keep trying to change that about myself. The fact that I keep imagining myself staying silent or trying to reserve myself to stop being so god damn fucking loud all the time. And I keep trying to change it, keep trying to stop wanting to say things that make me happy. Or say rant about things that make me angry.
I hate that i’m so easy. the fact that im just so fucking loud about everything. My stupid thoughts, inconsistent feelings. That I say too much shit too fast or that I open up too fast or the fact that I would let people know things about myself without really thinking about it. The fact that i let myself be so vulnerable so quickly and how everyone knows. i dont know.
This is so fucking stupid but it just makes me really sad sometimes but i don’t know why I can’t feel comfortable about myself. I feel so much frustration with myself for whatever the fuck I feel about being loud. It’s so fucking dumb and stupid and I wish I could be someone who was okay with hearing their own voice. And not stutter or waver. I get insecure whenever people react a certain way from my voice and i don’t know. This is probably the most humane thing about me but i fucking want it to go away. I want it to die.
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Gilgamesh and The Song of Achilles Throw Up
Like how Gilgamesh had to experience the death of Enkidu, I think Achilles suffering from Patroclus’s death was his way of finally becoming what he was suppose to be. In both stories they are the strongest beings to exist during their time, and they both long for an eternal and glorified life.
But it is not until they finally experience the death of their loved partner, that they realize that life is meaningless when they can’t live without their other half.
I think about how Gilgamesh completely did a 180 and carried out the rest of his life in a gentle and caring way, how it was such a stark contrast to his tyrannical life he lived before. How Achilles literally transformed into something so monstrous and cruel in his way of grieving over Patroclus. How heartbroken he was mourning over his dead body.
It’s either choosing between living a glorified life, where they throw away their ability to love and attached themselves to those around them, or, accepting their limitations as mortal beings and living a life with their other half. And they chose that latter. I think it’s extremely lovely how strong, loving, and beautiful these messages are embedded within these stories.
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Some Thoughts on Thetis
I need a break from the frankly RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF DRAMA on my dash, so I thought I’d do a Thetis post, since I never see them.
Same as before, basically me rambling with no real organization, but the focus will be Thetis as a character in TSOA and why I can’t help but like her, even at her worst.
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Chiron in TSOA
Can we talk about how painful Chiron’s “I will look for you” line is? Because it hurts my soul, and no one talks about it, or Chiron in general.
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Nooooo bro stop being able to recognize me by touch alone, by smell; that you would know me blind, by the way my breaths came and my feet struck the earth. That you would know me in death, at the end of the world you're gonna make the audience think we're gay haha...
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“I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world.”
― Madeline Miller, “The Song of Achilles”
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