The Clenching of the Cheeks

Sometimes I clench my butt cheeks one at a time to the beat of a song when I’m really feeling it.

First try

Sometimes, when I go to the potty and I flush toilet, I forget that I already flushed the toilet and flush it again.

That wouldn't work they'd just eat it

Instead of relay teams passing a baton they should pass a chicken strip.

Me: *mentions favorite tv show*

Friend: “I’ve never seen that befo-”

Me: 

*know

Grammatical errors

My friends think my grammer sucks because of my texting.

That would explain a lot

I technically ate my twin in the whom

When the fetus versions of my twin and I were in the whom, my twin, out of nowhere, decided that it wasn’t worth it and died. I then absorbed their body into the back of my head (probs why I have great hair) faster than my body absorbs the grease from McNuggets and I have the birthmark to prove it.

It’s simple really. DONT FUCKING TOUCH MY FOOD IF I DONT FRICKING TELL YOU TO YOU DOLT HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY IT?! Good golly.

Dirty phalanges

Shoutout to all you beautiful people that clean the dirt under their fingernails with pencils. Don’t stop being you.

Lifeguard Headquarters iS THE BEST

We were walking on the boardwalk and we passed the lifeguard headquarters and I did a little peeky peeky and there was a really cute guy in there lifting weights and I swear the air temperature rose a little. I’m sorry but I’m not used to cute guys.

Delaware sucks

So I’m on vacation in New Jersey and the boys here are SO much cuter than where I’m from like, I can’t even tell you how many six-packs I’ve seen oh my lord I need some holy water*.

*Holy water can also be translated to an Aquafina water bottle because it’s hot as crap here

I hope I’m not the only one that blows into their Ziploc bags before I use them.

"Dude suh"

I was hanging out in Baltimore with my mother, her boyfriend, my brother, his wife, my cousin, and my sister. My sister, cousin, and I were walking beside each other and my cousin just ran off because he’s like that. I then yelled “DUDE SUH” and this grown man just turned to me smiled and said “haha” and walked away. I then stopped in my tracks and just stared at his back with my mouth hanging open and my sister looked back at me with the same look at my face. There was also a brony convention and it was supes weird.

"Bath Bomb"

Smoll child me made the wonderful decision to, while in the tub with my sister, take a shit. I REFUSED to get out of the bath and my sister was yelling at me because I was gross. What finally made me get out was my very own turd floating in front of me.

I technically ate my twin in the womb

When the fetus versions of my twin and I were in the womb, my twin, out of nowhere, decided that it wasn’t worth it and died. I then absorbed their body into the back of my head (probs why I have great hair) faster than my body absorbs the grease from McNuggets and I have the birthmark to prove it.