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I have been thinking a lot lately about how it might have been useful, when I was 21 and constantly being angry at myself for not being totally Over my trauma, and also angry at myself for not finding Solutions to the pathological thought-patterns and behaviours that I could by that point see and understand were bad and yet did not stop, and did not stop taking over my brain and limbic system …
… if someone had outright and bluntly, but thoroughly, explained that any progress I made was probably going to be measured in years, not months, and certainly not days, and that insight was only necessary for progress, not sufficient, and that retraining my brain out of this bullshit was going to be a slow frustrating process of two steps forward, one step back, and sometimes could be seen as being an effort on the level of learning to use your non-dominant hand to write with because someone cut your dominant hand off.
People sort of approached these things. They’d say stuff like “it takes time”. Or “it takes practice”. Or whatever. But they were also always trying to be encouraging, or something; and also ironically and unfortunately some of the same people were those who got, well, kinda impatient with me when I made some of the same mistakes or tripped over the same things again.
It took several years before I managed to get the full message of: look.
This is hard. This is actually physiologically, neurobiologically hard work.
Epiphanies and insights give you a place to start. Sometimes they are super useful! and necessary! Sometimes, without that epiphany, you wouldn’t be able to progress at all. I am not knocking epiphanies. I have had many that were absolutely crucial.
But an epiphany is to mental health much like having a body of water is to learning to swim: you absolutely need it. You cannot learn to swim without that body of water!
But just … having the body of water? Will not cause you to be able to swim. And swimming is going to be a long process of repetition of actions, of building specific muscle groups and coordination of muscle-groups and coordination of things like breathing with those muscle movements.
It may require significant supports in that body of water to be safe for you: you may be someone who is going to need a life-jacket or a kickboard or some floaties for a long time before it’s safe for you to be just jumping off the side or the dock. You may even discover that you’re someone who’s never going to get to swim blithely around without those aids, and that’s also okay: that’s why the aids exist.
And you just might not be that person yet. It might take ten years of work to be that person and then one day you realize that you just managed to do enough treading water that your face never went under the surface. Or maybe you don’t. But on the other hand you’re still pretty happy to be able to be in the water, and you can move yourself around.
This came to mind because of a private discussion elsewhere that touched on this:
I have one of those really common cognitive distortion unhealthy patterns where no matter what I actually did in a day, the unhealthy part of my brain will go “you! were not productive today! you accomplished nothing! here’s my proof!” and then come up with a bunch of very convincing sounding reasons why I Am A Total Failure.
Which might be in absolute contradiction to why I was a total failure yesterday. On Monday, this thought pattern will try to convince me I’m a total failure because I was lacklustre at “work” tasks and “only” fucked around writing creative fiction; but then on Tuesday, it will convince me I’m a failure because I “only” did “work” tasks and home maintenance tasks and didn’t do anything creative.
On both days, it may actually also be lying. (That is, I actually did entirely adequately at work and home-maintenance tasks on Monday, and on Tuesday I wrote 300 words and that’s fine.)
Like with many people with depression and anxiety, that part of my brain is wired directly into the bits of the limbic system that make me feel anxious and upset and crappy, like, in my body, and that makes them very hard to silence.
Over the last ten years, since I first started realizing this cognitive distortion was Bullshit, I have put in a lot of work on this thought pattern. And I can now do the following:
- realize my brain is doing this
- type it up somewhere I can see it and other people who I trust can see it (this is a frequent Tool of mine, the equivalent of my kickboard) and then go “this is bullshit” and be validated
- as the thought-pattern tries to repeat over the next half-hour or so return to this place where I have it Concretely Typed Up and go “no brain, this is bullshit”
- otherwise behave as if this is bullshit
- engage in specific emotional-regulation behaviours (get a warm drink, walk a bit, stim with my blanket, maybe rock a bit, pet my cat, sing to my cat, sway to music, all that kind of jazz)
… . and I will probably feel better enough to go on with my day.
This? Is amazing progress!
It has taken me ten years of practice.
It might not take you that long! There were some definite Impediments to my progress on this one, where I had to look around for better tools; also my brain is particularly hateful about these specific things, so in my swimming metaphor, this was like trying to learn to swim when water already gives you panic attacks, rather than just “I don’t know how to swim yet”.
On the other hand it may take you longer: some people have, for various reasons, even less tractable brains on these issue than I do, and that’s valid too.
But also: this is better than what I started with. This is me more able to handle life and the shit involved in living than what I started with. And slightly unlike swimming, this kind of shit is also probably an absolutely crucial life-skill.
And there will always be That Person you see who just … jumped in the fucking water and started swimming and is like “oh this is easy just do this!” Do not attempt to drown that person, even if you really want to. But also: some people are just lucky. Some people didn’t get born with a high propensity to anxiety.
Some people also just naturally float. (No seriously: some people’s bodies just … float. It doesn’t even necessarily depend on fat content. It’s just fucking obnoxious.) There is almost certainly something that you can Just Do that someone else would find hard. It might not be something that seems particularly USEFUL: maybe it doesn’t seem like the ability to remember every single Pokémon you’ve ever heard of and all their capabilities and stats and comparative advantages is a “skill.”
But it is. There are people who can’t do that and have a hard time remembering that shit at all. Maybe it doesn’t matter because they don’t want to do it, but that’s not actually the issue: the point is, that’s maybe something your brain does super easily, as opposed to Not Being An Asshole To You, which is something your brain is terrible at.
They got lucky: the thing their brain has an easy time with is pretty valuable to getting thru life, whereas you and me, our brains are shitty at that thing and we have a harder time learning it and it takes more work and practice and progress is really fucking slow.
It’s like learning to write again with your non-dominant hand because you have no choice; or learning how to play a video-game with a controller designed for your mouth because none of your limbs work properly anymore. It’s hard. We’re retraining parts of us that were warped into unfortunate places.
If you’re on this journey at all, you’ve undoubtedly had that epiphany that means you now have the equivalent of access to a body of water. (The people who don’t - who don’t realize that they need to relearn these things - well, that’s a whole different question! Because they also exist! I was one of them, at one point, and lemme tell you, trying to metaphorically learn to swim on dry land is even worse!)
But the swimming part may take a while. It may take a LONG while, and boring, endless, repetitive practice, and readjusting your learning strategy, and looking for new supports and floats and tools and maybe a new coach because the last one didn’t work out.
And maybe because they were trying not to overwhelm me or make me feel pessimistic, when I was 21 and just figuring out how fucked up I was, I didn’t get that much from a lot of people. I got a lot of Encouragement, and maybe a lot of other people would have needed that, but for me that just meant when I failed (again) I felt horrible: if this was supposed to be Something I Could Do, why couldn’t I do it?
Well, it is something I Can Do.
Over time. With a lot of work. And a lot of patience and stubbornness and practice and also over time and did I mention ten years?
But on the upside the exhausting boring repetitive skills I learned in those ten years have also been remarkably helpful in not turning into a shaking pile in a corner over this pandemic, so there’s that silver lining, I suppose.
I dunno: this is long, and I guess my blue-green ungulate point here is, if you’re starting this shit, or in those early days yourself, and you’re looking around and feel like you’re not getting ANYWHERE, here’s the deal - you’re totally getting somewhere.
It’s just a slow trip. And you might not even notice when you start passing milestones. Until you turn around and realize “oh shit something that would once have sent me into a tailspin for a week has only slightly derailed my morning and now I have tea (or hot chocolate or warm milk or decaf coffee*) and I pet my cat and I’m ready to move on.”
And it’s taken you five, six, seven, ten years to get there, but hey: you got there.
Maybe in another ten years it won’t bother you at all. Or maybe it still will. But on the other hand a morning lost is still way better than a week lost.
It’s slow and frustrating and infuriating and it’s still a good idea to keep plugging away at it, because it helps. Slowly. Eventually.
Fucking brains, what can I say.
(*it is PROBABLY not best to have full-caf coffee if you’re having an anxiety issue, bc that’s too much stimulant. But tea and decaf are, if you’re a regular coffee drinker, probably not an issue, and the fact that you’re drinking something warm will help. It turns out, funny story, that swallowing warm things actually kicks in to a really primal self-soothing instinct that basically goes back to being babies when the universe was a horror-show to be solved by nursing and being rocked by an adult human while warm. For real.)
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"Everybody wants to save the world..."
"They just disagree on how."
The second in a trio of Fallout fan art.
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Summary: “Well,” she says, long and drawn out, and from the glint in her eyes he can tell this is some kind of inner joke, kept from him. “I’ve been a diplomat, and a race car driver, and a chef, and an astronaut, and a veterinarian--”
“An astronaut,” he repeats dryly. He wants to call her on her lie - but. But. How strange. There’s no indication of a lie: no rise in temperature, no quickening of her pulse, no change to her eyes, nothing.
She laughs. “You don’t know the half of it."
Author: @howlingmoonrise
Note from submitter: The crack written seriously fanfic of all time. It is honestly so good and I learned of its existence after stumbling across a comment on YouTube recommending it. I must second that recommendation
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Finish your coffee in 30 minutes or less for the best gum and dental health. Download our app to keep your account secure with multi-factor authentication. Only eat between 6 and 8. You’re eligible for a 0.25% interest rate reduction when you enroll in autopay. Rinse with cold water to prevent breakage. Please reply “yes” to confirm your appointment. Remember to get your hair cut and your oil changed and your teeth cleaned and your tires rotated and your vaccinations updated and your emissions tested. Verify your recovery email. Click here to review and confirm your updated credit card usage. Blue light can disrupt your circadian rhythm, put away your phone for two hours before bed. Allergen alert: high pollen count today. Try these shoes that are just like walking with bare feet. You could have saved $13.57 this year by signing up for a monthly membership. Daily meditation will calm your mind and improve your productivity. Gut health is linked to mental health, eat 30 different kinds of vegetables each week to heal your leaky gut and improve your productivity. Low tire pressure front passenger tire. Would you like to extend your parking reservation? It’s almost tax time, log in now to review last year’s filing. Leave a review for your recent purchase. Cut out gluten and dairy to improve your skin. You’re due for your yearly physical. Click here to update your insurance information. Your login code is 49273. It is valid for 15 minutes. Was this you? Your account has been logged into. These are the 3 sexiest perfumes for women, voted by men. Watch your food labels for transfats and sodium. Don’t count calories. Count macros. Weigh yourself daily. If you love high heels but hate the pain, these weight shifting insoles are for you. You have 6934 points, do you want to redeem them for $2.50? Meal prep to save money. Try this no-makeup-makeup look to be effortlessly beautiful. High heart rate alert! High heart rate alert! How did we do? Let us know how we can improve your experience.
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One thing i've run up against when dealing with fandom and characters making less than ideal choices is that people seem to treat a character's decision being sympathetic, the decision being understandable, the decision being reasonable, and it being objectively the best solution for the situation, as synonymous. When those are 4 very different things.
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99% of "mysterious disappearances" esp of people in their 20s who start acting weird for 48 hours and then vanish are not mysterious, thats just when a lot of reality-obliterating mental illness tends to kick in and it's pretty easy to get a short circuit in your brain that makes you go family guy death pose in joshua tree national park. it's not any less tragic, it's just a documented phenomenon and not particularly predictable. its a big reason the medical advice is for people with a family history of schizophrenia to completely avoid weed and psychedelics. "people just go crazy sometimes" is a principle of human health that used to be a lot more accepted prior to the american midcentury and to a certain extent thats a healthier way to conceptualize and prepare for the risk, as opposed to the modern assertion that anyone acting weird is dangerous and broken forever.
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@rad-roche and @chadfallout76podcast gave me permission to animate her lovely art! This is for the upcoming VoiceAPalooza charity drive for the Alzheimer's Association, there will be a lot amazing voices, new and old, and I am personally hyped to sit down for another radio special!
I had a lot of time to theorize what this special might be about--I'm excited to see if I've hit the mark or strayed far from it ✪ ω ✪
A short breakdown of the process below~
Usually I would share a timelapse with y'all but I forgot to press record :'D
I went back and made some gifs though that hopefully show what I did! It's pretty simple! I took Rad's art and copy-pasted all the parts I wanted to move, then painted under to try and match what would be exposed under that movement. Following that, I had fun adding jolts, smoke, and a little tween! The hardest part for me was nailing down the timing of the gun; that took some tries to make it look natural.
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#maccready#fo4 maccready#fallout 4 maccready#fallout maccready#robert joseph maccready#fallout4#fallout 4
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alright hold up hold on — its actually insane that under all the layers he collected thru the wasteland the ghoul is still wearing the same thing he wore when the bombs fell (and potentially the last day he saw his daughter)…..two hundred odd years later
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uhhhh so guess who finished fallout show and started fallout 4?
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Some of you would not survive waiting months to years for a WIP to update.
Look at me, listen to me: A couple of months is way too early to think a fic is abandoned or dead. A year is often too early. Internalize this.
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Being on this website is fun because you can absolutely tell when a blorbo clicks in someone's brain. You're scrolling, and suddenly out of nowhere there's like 12 posts about the same character back to back reposted by the same person, and you just know "oh. They're a permanent part of their psyche now." and honestly it's a vibe go off king
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