and just like that, i feel okay again

it’s weird, i’ve been going through phases of doubt in my social skills and me fitting in

but then small things happen that remind me that i’m probably doing fine :) i don’t think i’ve scared anyone away or anything so you know what? that’s great

“Rounding”

some sort of social concept thing i thought of a bit ago and kinda just tell myself that i’m doing (i’m not trying to sound uppity or anything, but saying i thought of a social concept sounds pretty fucking snooty)

basically i don’t have too much in common with my friends but i’m “rounding” to make it work

it’s like a “we have enough in common, close enough” type of deal that i’m learning is just normal i guess. i’ve been calling it “rounding”

Do the two other interns like me? Do I bore them? Why the fuck do I care so much? It’s because they’re the only ones around my age here. But why does that matter? Why am I trying so hard with this? Are they thinking these things about me? What do they even think about me? I’d honestly rather not know.

This past week in lab I haven’t done too much. It’s a mix of me waiting on chemicals to come in and of trying to blend in with Swedish work culture which is honestly making me feel lazy. I’m going to dinner tonight with my lab and honestly I don’t know what to expect, I’m just hoping to God I’m not too awkward and can carry some sort of conversation.

I’m so fucking tired. But I know this is all good for me. I’m really enjoying myself, but I really just want to take a day off from everything and enjoy my own company without having to think about fitting in with other interns, my lab group, or just in Sweden in general.

Yup.

Still tired. We’re toward the end of week 4 of my internship and I’m still tired of trying to fit in and stuff. Tired of having to get into others’ interests instead of people being curious about mine.

Tired.

But self-improvement is always good. I guess I’m learning how to connect with others and put a genuine effort into that. I just wish this effort was mutual

I feel I rushed the past few posts just to get my thoughts somewhere and I hope to elaborate on things in the future. My hands hurt from the typing. I’m not used to this like I was back in high school.

I also expect to not post things in any chronological order. I’ll most likely post current events as they happen and include flashback posts whenever I have the urge to share.

Two Junior Years and Sweden

It felt odd having to do junior year two times in a row, especially in a major with a class size of 50-60. I had been accustomed to the class of 2017, as I had been in their classes ever since the beginning of my college career. By junior year, I knew a lot of the class and wasn’t afraid of saying hi or anything.

But this changed after my F.

I felt too ashamed to look the chemical engineering class of 2017 in the eye. I had failed while everyone else didn’t and they knew it. I wouldn’t be in any of their classes anymore and they would wonder what was up. I tried my best to ignore them so I wouldn’t have to deal with the feeling of failure. People that knew said they were fine with it and believed I could pick myself up. They didn’t expect this from the Asian kid wearing glasses that lived with another chemical engineering major with a 3.7 GPA. But I still felt ashamed. Some of them still greeted me in passing this past school year, but even so I thought that I was just “the guy that failed.”

Regardless of my academic performance, I scored a summer internship where I did research for the first time. Also, I met Matt M., and after continuous hookups and hangouts he officially became my boyfriend. More on this in a future post.

Remember the C- I mentioned I got my third year, first term? I retook that class the following school year. My fourth year in college and what I like to call my second junior year. This begins my attempt to fit in with the chemical engineering class of 2018. Thankfully, I had a friend that was similarly behind in her curriculum, Jessica W. Jessica W. and I sat in the back of the class I had to retake. It felt completely odd being in a room with 40 other people that already knew each other from being in the same classes in years past. I was one of the outsiders. Being with Jessica W. made it feel better, but I couldn’t help but feel odd. Junior year is when transfer students from community college start popping up in classes. Similarly to me, they most likely also felt like outsiders. New school, new people. In a convenient twist, I knew one of the chemical engineering transfers. Carolina E. talked to me before class one day, asking me if I was from Oxnard. I am. She was too. We have apparently been Facebook friends since 2009 because we went to the same middle school but never really talked much. She helped unite Jessica W. and me with two more transfers, Chase P. and Brice H. The two guys were taking a senior level class along with me because we had the prerequisites despite being juniors, which helped in terms of us all giving each other mind. Despite the few people I had become acquainted with at the beginning of my second junior year, I still felt like an outsider. It felt odd being in the one senior level engineering course because I felt judgment from my classmates despite that judgment not even existing. No one cared that I failed a class except me. People were even happy to see me in a senior level class, but I distanced myself from the actual seniors in shame. My first term in my second junior year came to a close with me raising my C- to a B.

Time for winter term of my second junior year. My redemption term where I could finally retake the course I got an F in. I made sure to take easy classes that term to let myself focus as much as I can on not failing again. Throughout this term I felt myself learning and enjoying the material in my retake class, ending the term with a rewarding B. I was finally allowed to continue my engineering coursework! Despite this, I still felt detached from the class of 2018.

I was excited for the following spring term. I was back on track to take classes and finally got that F off my GPA. I was also excited for my lab class for an interesting reason: I took it as an opportunity to meet people. Jessica W. and Carolina E. ultimately could not enroll in the lab course to space out their curriculum, and the other two transfers I met quite honestly I didn’t interact with much because I felt like they were their own thing. This meant, in a group work setting, people within the class of 2018 would be forced to interact with me. Yes, it’s sad that I was excited about this. And I still wasn’t comfortable talking to people in my new batch because of the judgment I was scared to face for being a 4th year junior. Anyway, I get paired with Shelley G. for lab. She’s super nice and we got along just fine. We put in a lot of work towards lab and were able to bond through that and the general struggle of our engineering courses. Doing work with her even caused some of her ChemE ‘18 friends to give me mind. Despite the fact that they were all international students who preferred to talk in Chinese and bar me out of conversation, it still felt nice to finally be woven into the ChemE ‘18 community somewhat. I felt no judgment from anyone when they learned I was a 4th year junior, which I met with surprise. I was still scared of initiating contact with people within ChemE ‘18 (I’ll just use this abbreviation now) due to fear of judgment, though. I just hoped people would come to me, but of course that never happens. I needed to put in the effort myself. In the meantime I gained news that I was accepted into another summer internship to do research in Sweden. I was excited to hear another student from ChemE ‘18 was going with me. “Another opportunity to weave myself into ChemE ‘18!” I thought to myself. I made sure to initiate contact with the other intern, Alec A., but via email because I was still nervous to talk to ChemE ‘18 face-to-face.

The spring term ends after long nights of studying. Immediately after I had to head to Sweden for my internship, which is where I am as I type this. I ended up earning all Bs in my major courses, which was a pleasant surprise. While waiting for my grades and making my trip from the USA to Sweden, I was wondering about so much. Will there be a bad language barrier in Sweden? Will my host family like me? How about my lab? And Alec A.? I was honestly more worried about making friends in Sweden than I was about my grades.

I arrived in Sweden a few days before Alec A. because he wanted to spend a bit of time in the US. We had talked a bit prior to the internship start date about the internship via, but nothing else really. I was picked up by my lab mentor for the summer, David K., who helped me with my luggage and with getting a Swedish SIM card. I was nervous about meeting my mentor for the first time, as I was nervous about meeting everyone else. The drive from the airport to my host family’s house was amazing. There was so much greenery and I kept saying how cool it looked. All of the road signs were in Swedish, which introduced the beginning of the language barrier I’d face. Thankfully, according to David K., everyone knows English and will adjust to not leave me out or anything. My host family gave me a warm welcome and a tour of the house I’m currently in as well as a walk to the nearby grocery store. I was happy that everything was going well and I was getting along with everyone. I thought to myself “I’ll think I’ll be fine in lab tomorrow. I’m sure David K. will help me ease into it.” But I was still very nervous about being with Alec A. for 11 weeks in the same house. What if we don’t have anything in common? Is he nice? What if I annoy him?

The following day I go into lab and meet a lot of people working within it. I had my first Swedish coffee break (fika), learn lab techniques, learn the tram system, and ruin my sleeping schedule due to the 12 AM sunsets and 4 AM sunrises. The same activities continued on into Tuesday. I came back to the house after lab that day, nervous because I knew Alec A. was set on arriving any time soon. He messages me on Facebook an hour after I arrive at the house telling me to open the front door. The host family and I see him leave a taxi with his luggage, and as he’s shown around the house all I can think is “Oh shit, am I ready for interaction?”

The past week or so, I’m surprised to say that we’ve found things in common and I at the very least consider him my Swedish traveling buddy (basically by default). I’ve had my quiet moments with everyone here, not knowing how to keep conversations going despite my efforts, but I’ve been like that with everyone in my life regardless. I’m trying my best to become better at socializing this summer and hoping to improve. I hope for many things to come out of this internship, but one is for certain: I hope that these 11 weeks allow Alec A. and I to form a connection strong enough to continue our interactions within the school year and hopefully even weave me into ChemE ‘18 even more. Of course, I’d love to gain friendship from him, from the people within my lab, my host family, and all the like, but I’m hoping this summer will give me more confidence to not be ashamed of taking five years to finish my undergraduate career.

The Buildup to Winter 2016

Transitioning from high school to college is no easy task for many, myself included. I wrongfully assumed, as many others have before me and many more will in the future, that I can just cruise by easily within the “normal” timeframe and gain a degree in chemical engineering. This was not the case. I managed to end my first year of college on a solid note, not being the top of my class but not being close to the bottom either. I felt no need to change my habits because I wasn’t failing. My second year was when I began taking higher level courses and major courses and began to explicitly see the need to improve my study habits. I ended up dropping a course in the fall to retake in the winter. In the winter, I got my first D+ ever. Organic chemistry. The people I’ve told excuse it because “ochem is hard for everyone.” But that’s a silly statement that only promotes self-fulfilling prophecies. I ended up retaking the course in the spring and improving my grade, but not learning the wrongness in my ways. “I’ll do better next quarter” I’d always think but never act upon.

In the meanwhile I joined a community service organization in the middle of my first year in college to try and make friends. Something I’ve always struggled with. I fell in love. The first meeting I went to was nerve-wracking. It was so scary to walk into a new environment and try to meet people in hopes of taking away the college loneliness I had. I say hello to club officers standing at the door to the meeting room and take a seat. I’m staring at everyone and don’t know what to do. Why did I show up? I’m kinda tempted to leave. This feels odd. In comes Andrew P., who sits next to me. Long story short, he makes me feel welcome and I stay for the whole meeting. Through the course of the meeting I felt a sense of belonging, something I never really felt in the past. I also won food in a raffle at the meeting, which encouraged me to stay as well. This led to me staying with this organization, which I still am in to this day.

That was a long aside. I know.

My love for this organization grew. It came to the point where I used it as my way to escape the stress of my undergraduate studies. My involvement ramped up my second year of college. I’m pretty sure this contributed to my lowering grades, but I never wanted to admit that.

Onto my third year. I was thrown into three higher level major courses and felt confused the whole time. I used the organization as a way to escape school and focusing less on academics as a result. I gave up easily on concepts because things appeared hard and intimidating.

I had a relationship with someone for over five years by this time. It was more of a cover-up. More like: it was a cover-up. She was really nice but I couldn’t find myself to be attracted to her on a sexual level. Despite what my family and everyone else assumed, I couldn’t be “traditional.” No matter how hard I tried.

She could tell I was bored. I was. But I don’t know if she could tell if I was gay. We called off our long-lasting relationship towards the end of the first term of my third year. I felt free. Grindr hit my phone four days later.

Even with all of this happening, I somehow scrape by my first term, barely passing one class with a C-. And then Winter 2016 hit.

“The classes are too hard. I’m not like everyone else. I’m just not capable.” I would tell myself these things during classes and while attempting homework. At this point, my activity in the service organization was at an all-time high. I also got really into hook-up culture. I had a friend with benefits for months. I was giving up on school altogether, assuming I’d just get through anyway while escaping to community service and sex. Yeah right. Midterms arrive and I receive a really low grade on one exam.

“The curve will save me. I’m fine.”

Final exams come. I try to study but feel completely lost academically. That doesn’t matter though, because at least I’m going to fun community service and having sex almost every day. Except it matters completely this time. Final grades come in: 3 B-s and an F. A big fat F in the one class I needed to pass to continue within my major. I had two main options: switch majors to graduate within the “normal” timeframe or to stay within my path and do an extra year. I spent my spring break rearranging my schedule because I was dropped from all my engineering courses. I vented to many people in fear, which came with support. I eventually decided to take a fifth year and keep going for the degree I initially intended to get. A year or so later, here we are.

Returning

It’s been a while Tumblr. I remember our intimate nights between 2009-2016. I gradually abandoned you over Reddit, and quite blatantly, from gaining meaning in my life through college experiences and beyond. But it’s summer again and I figured I have the time to write so why not?

i’m in sweden until september doing research at a technological university. i know for a fact that if i told graduating HS senior me that, he would be confused and shocked. first of all i didn’t have any clue what research was. and also, i didn’t think i’d be gutsy enough to go out of the country. but here we are and it’s great