#petergrahamdickhead
Padre Gramcracker
Now readers you may wonder what the title of this episodes info dump relates to. For my own personal security and safety I’d rather not name him directly. So Padre Gramcracker shall do.
HOWEVER, this doesn’t stop me from reporting on what I have found out during my travels though! Don’t say I don’t do anything for you guys. There are many, many, rumors surrounding the man and his past. No matter who seems to look into him they are either stonewalled or they… Well… I’d rather not say.
But I digress, what we’ll be discussing today is how people are starting to believe that he is simply using paras to his own gain. Using them as weapons in his own personal wars and agendas. Telling them to work on certain things in-between missions, taking control of the board of directors and basically running Lantern like his personal strike squad. Some people say that Padre Gramcracker is looking to expand TORCH’s reach into more powerful positions in the world at large. And thus expanding his own power. Other people just think he’s a dick that needs someone to counter balance him. I’ve heard that a certain UN member and Padre Gramcracker working together would do the world unimaginable good, but at the moment Gramcracker doesn’t have a counterbalance. A peer that can shoot down his ambitions when they start reaching for the sun, but alas, I am but a reporter.
Some people say the paras in question are following out of unwavering loyalty but this is simply not true. Many different paras from different sectors are calling on their fellow friends and employees to leave the organization. Could this be the dissolution of the organization? Possibly, or is it more likely that the paras are going to unionize and demand better treatment.
We believe that Padre Gramcracker is trying to tie down new members to the organization for a year to keep himself afloat in the oncoming wave of resignations. Keep track of this blog for more information on the topic. Look at that ladies and gentlefolk, two stories in one post, pfft, doing good! Chune in later.
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He will be sorely missed
An ode to the late Reverend.
A customer enters a hospital.
Customer: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean “miss”?
C: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We’re closin’ for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this reverend what I escorted not half an hour ago from this very hospital.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Reverend Brunswick …What’s, uh. What’s wrong with it?
C: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. 'E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e’s uh,…he’s resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead reverend when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
O: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable reverend, the Revered Brunswick idn'it, ay? Beautiful rhetoric!
C: The rhetoric don’t enter into it. He’s stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E’s resting!
C: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up!
(shouting at the coffin)
'Ello, Mister Reverend Brunswick! I’ve got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show…(owner hits the coffin)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the coffin!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything…
C: 'ELLO BRUNSWICK!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes reverend out of the coffin and thumps his head on the counter. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that’s what I call a dead reverend.
O: No, no…..No, 'e’s stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Reverend Brunswick stuns easily, major.
C: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely 'ad enough of this. That reverend is definitely deceased, and when I secured him not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged sermon.
O: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the church.
C: PININ’ for the CHURCH?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his face the moment I got to the court house?
O: The Reverend Brunswick prefers kippin’ on his face! Remarkable reverend, id'nit, squire? Lovely rhetoric!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that reverend when I got him to the court house, and I discovered the only reason that he had been propped up in his wheelchair in the first place was that he had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that reverend down, he would have nuzzled up to that bullet proof glass, bent it apart with his bare hands, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this reverend wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through him! 'E’s bleedin’ demised!
O: No no! 'E’s pining!
C: 'E’s not pinin’! 'E’s passed on! This reverend is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E’s expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed 'im to the wheelchair 'e’d be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E’s off the twig!
'E’s kicked the bucket, 'e’s shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!!
THIS IS AN EX-REVEREND!!
(pause)
O: Well, I’d better replace him, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I’ve had a look 'round the back of the hospital, and uh, we’re right out of reverends.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a monk.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it testify?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother’s hospital in Baltimore, he’ll replace the reverend for you.
C: Baltimore, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same hospital. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is Baltimore, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it’s Richmond.
C: (looking at the camera) That’s inter-city rail for you.
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked “Complaints”.
C: I wish to complain, US-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon…?
A: I’m a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn’t it?
A: Yeah, well it’s not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Baltimore train and found myself deposited here in Richmond.
A: No, this is Baltimore.
C: (to the camera) The hospital man’s brother was lying!!
A: Can’t blame US Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the hospital!
He does.
C: I understand this IS Baltimore.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Richmond!
O: …It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no…not a pun…What’s that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome…?
O: Yeah, that’s it!
C: It’s not a palindrome! The palindrome of “Baltimore” would be “Eromitlab”!! It don’t work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I’m not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly…
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Credit Taken Not Earned?
A sad occurence in Washington on the day of the trial of the late Rev. Brunswick as after Torch ‘Latin America’s’ muscle and paramedic managed to protect the late Reverend from nine assassination attempts. Two snipers, a shapeshifter, a bombing, a gas attack, a gunman and several sleds were dispatched as the Reverend was rushed to hospital after a blood transfusion after the second last assassination attempt, where hospital security was clearly not up to scratch. An assassin posing as hospital staff managed to get into the surgery and fatally wound he Reverend who died of major blood loss at the scene.
What thanks do the members of Torch’s Latin American and European branches get for this? Out of a seventeen page report published to the general public the members of Torch got a paragraph of recognition for their ‘assistance’ to their ‘team leaders’ Paris and Vendetta (noted members of the organisation Lantern).
This team worked tirelessly to protect a known crime boss, one member ending up in intensive care after attempting to apprehend the assassin at the hospital. The reports that have been circulated pay them as little credit as possible without leaving them out all together.
As an eye-witness I can assure my readers that this gross omission of credit will not be present here. Are we seeing another attempt by Peter Graham to keep his team at the top? Should we be worried that he is getting so much power that he can widely spread misinformation in an official report?
More to follow in my coverage at the upcoming UN Meeting in London, so stay tuned and keep listening to the wind! ;)
Sources:
https://higherpowerslarp.wikispaces.com/Issue+24+Capitol+Punishment
https://lookaside.fbsbx.com/file/Pre%20Warpcon%20News%20Report.pdf?token=AWzLb6xCzOYLdNipx_6toMPucXm04j88Txn4sg0o9hbibQxXsd4CVSPyLdHMSzZHQyCqPyPzBAWZDVCrg2bA0yBqrtmQMrt6AKks8WDUBWFUh8VAvmaHz28ZDOgfS85nQqNHkgFvAwN_BOrGto-Tg-s8
https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/sourceunconfirmed
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