i want a soft connection. i want to be asked how my day went and if i need anything. i want forehead kisses. i want the back of my hand kissed at red lights. i want to be asked how i’m mentally feeling. i want to hold hands everywhere we go.

It's like you tapped on the already broken glass that is my heart just to see how far you could go without it shattering.

I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt that I was lying next to you. you had your arm around me and your hand was on my waist, under my shirt, innocently touching my skin. I wonder if you dreamt it too. I remember being awake and you weren't. you were just holding my body next to yours while you slept. I thought that nothing could be more perfect. I was thinking about all the times that I missed you and how I was finally so lucky to be in your arms. I felt bad for all the past versions of me who weren't with you. but you rolled over when you woke up and I was then half asleep, quietly telling you that I needed to be closer to you. so you pulled me close again and everything was okay. then I woke up alone in my cold cabin and you couldn't be further from me.

Short prayers are long enough.

Why is everything so loud?

i will be unstoppable as soon as i get my goodnight kiss

He brought me a flower

and i don’t know a lot, but i know if you brought me a flower i’d be pretty happy for a pretty long time.

I have conversations with you in my head while I'm talking to other people.

I use words that I know would have triggered you. Words I would use on purpose because it gave me more to work with and more to tease you about and more reasons for us to argue and keep a conversation going. I say things and then I know immediately what you would have said in reply. They usually answer with something bland and tasteless that leaves me less than satisfied. but I know that if it was you, I'd be grinning and in awe at how much you make me love being alive.

I made a comment about how I disagree for comedic purposes and I got shut down immediately. You would never. You would have played along. You would have called it "classic". You would have said that this is why I would make a great lawyer. You would have told me we're too similar. You would have been here after to remind me that some friendships have a rough start and disagreeing is only an act of being honest. But you didn't. And you're not.

"Sometimes they're nightmares, but sometimes they're not - and it's the ones that aren't scary that hurt the most. It's the ones where its nice, and everything is perfect. Everything I want is right there in front of me and I can't tell that it's not real. Then I wake up and those things are ripped from my grasp and I'm forced to face reality again. It's those ones that make me afraid of falling asleep. Because it's a bitter world, and I'd rather dream."

we'll be just fine,

we'll be just fine,

we'll be just fine.

i know that we will.

“If I disappear, know that I’m okay.”

— Unknown

But i don't want anyone else.

And maybe we just have to trust that timing is timing for a reason, that losses are losses for the better, and that it is possible to be changed in a moment and still go on to seek something more. That doesn't mean there won't be moments when we forget how to breathe, or nights when we run out of tears to cry and things to pray. But we have to trust and press on to seek something more while being okay with the changes that are changing us.

We will be changed, and we will be stronger because of it.

Please hold on my friend and trust that God hears your prayers.

God Bless - KJ

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i don’t know how to be sure. and i need to be sure. i need you to be sure. i’m too easily confused to settle for less.

Maybe.

“You’ll understand why storms are named after people.”

— Unknown