People have a funny way about them. They beg you to open up, to be honest and tell them how you're really feeling; and I'll be the first to admit I'm more than hesitant to do so. Guarded for good reason. But when I finally reach out, express my feelings, and waive the white flag; I'm paid no mind. Brushed off as if I am overreacting. My emotions are without merit. Life has been difficult physically and emotionally for me in 2014. I've lost three loved ones this year alone, the most recent being Tuesday, November 4th, 2014. I love you, I'll miss you dearly. I wish I had appreciated you more. I wish I had told you how much I care. I wish I took more pictures, spent more time, and said thank you for everything when I had the chance to. Why do we do that? Why do we realize everything we should have said, everything we should have done when they're gone? It hurts. More than I'd like to admit, more than I may physically express. More than I want to show you, but it hurts; bad. I am holding back tears as I write this. Why is it so easy to say how you feel when they're not around to hear it. How do we forget to tell them when we see them face to face. When we leave a funeral, we are heartbroken, we vow to say I love you more, to spend more time, to appreciate eachother more, that we'll stop taking people for granted, that things will be different now; yet we still seem to forget those living now until they're not. I wish I could go back, I do. I'm sure you know I cared but it seems so uncertain because you're not here to confirm it. Death is so surreal because it happens at any moment, no matter if you have plans, no matter of your status in life, it matters not how good of a person you are, it comes, it takes and it leaves us all with unanswered questions, a need to understand, a reason to make it Ok, to make it make sense. But it doesn't and it won't. It will hurt whether we have the answers or not, because no matter what, it won't bring them back.

for a lovely postcard event “Inspire Everyday!” at Ayala Museum (Makati, Philippines) that encourages kindness and to inspire others through art. 

Death is our only promise in life.

We all know that life is uncertain and unexpected things are bound to happen. As certain as death is and how it rears its head without warning. It never ceases to surprise us the moment it arrives for a loved one. In that moment it seems unbelievable. Though you know it can and will happen, in your heart of hearts you don't believe it will happen to you or the people you care about, not so abruptly, so final. But it does and you’re left with questions and not a lot of understanding. Anger, grief begins to consume us. And a small void is left in your heart. And as acceptance eventually sets in, the circle continues until it's you who must face death. We've all faced the moment  of losing a loved one time and time again, and today is no acception. I dread the last goodbye, the viewing of your lifeless remains, the memories that will flood my mind as I stare dumbfounded at your casket. Leaving so many behind, we all share the thought of how unfairly you were taken away. All the good you were doing, what should or could've happened.  No matter how much we know it to be true, we never really accept this as an ending for our loved ones until it stares us in the face. Death is an inevitable factor of life. And though it lingers in the back of our minds, we somehow forget just how quickly our lives can be taken away. Sadly we are rudely awakened overtime.

Rest in Peace F.O., T.B., J.G., A.R

strangewood:

“If you ask me to play myself, I will not know what to do. I do not know who or what I am.”

The late great Peter Sellers, born 86 years ago today.

About Me?

I have never been able to write out an about me section that I felt was a suitable description. When it comes to explaining to others who I am, I have great difficulty. It’s comical in a way and also depressing. Quite the conundrum.

Crystal Clear.

My mind is as clear as it’s ever been in a while. Hence the personal posts. I have moments when I wish I could write out exactly what I’m thinking or feeling at a particular moment, so that if not I, maybe someone will understand. But no amount of words ever seem right. But right now my mind is over flowing. I’m focused and level headed. In this moment, I feel good. Not about anything in particular, which I find interesting. But ven with this cold I have and the barrage of negative things I’ve had to deal with in the past few weeks. I’m at a deeper level of understanding. And at least in this very moment, no matter how short lived, I feel….. happy.

Road Blocks

Have you ever had multiple people tell you you shouldn’t do something, or go somewhere, not necessarily because it wouldn’t work but because they themselves were uncomfortable with the idea? I have, many times. From wanting to go to the Air Force when I was 17 years old, then promising my aunt months before she passed away I wouldn’t go, to something as simple as wanting to leave the state. I’ve always been discouraged to do certain things. From being told that it wasn’t safe, I’m irresponsible, too naive, or that all these bad things would happen if I did. I’ve come to realize it may have had a stronger affect on me than I thought. It’s become like a mind frame to over think the negative possibilities that could happen in a situation, to the point where they out weight the positive. And I wasn’t always this way. But experiences have been a key factor.  Now anxiety and fear have a tight grip over the choices I make, and it’s something I really hate about myself. I’m at a point now that I recognize it, and I am trying to make a change. Something like this is probably so simple for many people and so difficult for me. It’s truly frustrating.

New Beginnings

I am in need of a transition. I feel stuck, not only living here in Columbus, but  in life. I crave new surroundings but I fear the unknown. I’ve never left my home, I’ve never been far away from family. I’ve never been on my own. And I feel conflicted. I feel as though I need this separation, to discover the world around me, and all these things I’ve never experienced. But I also feel as though I can’t comfortably do it on my own, and I continuously try to bring others along for the journey, but as we all know people are flaky. And it’s no ones obligation to hold my hand along the way (figuratively speaking). Honestly I  know my best experiences will be on my own. Because I know it will help me grow as a person and push me to become more comfortable being alone while not in my sacred comfort zone. But it’s always easier said then done. The very planning  of a trip away from everything I’ve known with the overbearing thought that I’ll be on my own gives me such anxiety, it discourages me from ever acting on it.

Lonesome.

To feel alone in a crowded room is saying something. I'm in need of new friends and a whole new surrounding.  

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”

- Yoda

2011 we finally meet.

The years are flying by. Sometimes it seems to fast. I am blessed to see another year arrive and I hope to see many more. Life is uncertain, scary and so short not matter the years we are fortunate to see, it's never enough. I am appreciative for all that I have. I hope to make this year a positive and uplifting one. I hope that this year is the year I am no longer plagued with depression or anxiety and I accomplish the resolutions I have set upon myself. With that being said here's to a new year with New dreams, New problems, and New solutions. Make the best of it.

I still miss you.

It's almost been 8 years since you left my life. I still remember that day clearly. The news of your death was so unbelievable to me that I could not react. I did not react until I saw you in the coffin. That was the moment I realized how real it was. The fact that you looked as if you were only sleeping is what made it worse. You were everything to me, even if I didn't show it as much as I should have before you were gone. My heart is still broken, the pain is still raw. The grief as if I was living that moment over again. But in a way, I still am doing just that. Everyday in fact. I try not to think about it because I know that time has not healed the grief I have for losing you. It has not given me peace of mind. I can't get over it, I can't let go. And it hurts so much. I miss you. I'll always miss you. Though the years are passing, it's as if you just left yesterday. Rest in peace, Toni Renee Betton.

A Positive Thinker does not refuse to recognize the negative, he refuses to dwell on it. Positive thinking is a form of thought. Which habitually looks for the best results from the worst conditions.

As a society....

We feel the need for recognition. And what I mean by that is being recognized for our talents, beauties, personalities, faults, minds, for our very being. And I believe most of us just need recognition for being here at all. Feeling invisible in a world of so many is not a good feeling.

I think I care too much.

Sometimes, I sit and realize just how much work I put into my relationships, only to have it not returned or appreciated. I can only accept it for what it is. And in the end it's who I am, and I couldn't change even it if I tried, which I have numerously.