mctwcsty​:

     PEOPLE WALKING INTO THE lockers room all went quiet one by one as they saw her, as though she could not pick up on the fact that they had been talking about it - about her, and were shutting up when seeing her, probably scared they would, too, get suspended as threatened. But Derek had reinstated Collins overnight, meaning he had fixed it after their conversation. The tension in the lockers room was pretty heavy, but Meredith was just trying to finish getting ready to get the hell out of the room. However, what she expected least of all was Collins walking up by the door, then turning around and raising her voice. 

     “Listen up,” she called. Everybody went quiet and turned to her, Meredith, too. “Nobody wants to be the subject of gossip,” she stated firmly, and eyed Meredith right away. Meredith gulped thickly and froze into place. “None of us wants to be the subject on everybody’s lips, or to be talked about behind our backs. We do that in elementary school. We’re medical residents now.” She snapped, much to Meredith’s surprise. Collins turned to her and said, “Dr. Grey is one of us, and her personal life shouldn’t become the center of our conversations when we’ve got much more important things to do like save lives and learn more about our jobs than to be talking about her,” she stated. Meredith bent her head down; she wished she could disappear. But past the shame of being in this situation and past hating being in the spotlight there again, deep down she was grateful to Collins for speaking up on her behalf like that. It was more than Julie had done and she claimed they were friends, hilarious. “So let’s get over what happened, let’s stop setting Grey apart and most of all let’s stop with the gossiping, it’s a kid’s game and ain’t no kids in here. This isn’t recess. It’s our residency.” Collins glanced one more time to Meredith and nodded, then turned to everybody else and said, “Alright thanks, good talk.” And with a last nod, Collins headed for her locker, grabbed her stethoscope and shut the door, then headed out. 

     Meredith remained still into place, too shocked to react really. The others all quietly gathered their stuff and headed out, briefly glancing her way, some forcing up a small smile before disappearing past the doors. Honestly, this all felt pretty humiliating, but in a way she hoped they could actually put this behind them and move on. But the truth was, maybe they could, but bottom line was : she was pregnant, about to have a baby, and Derek was the father. None of this would get put behind for her, it was all just the beginning, and if it had been such a big deal already, it would only get worse once the baby would be here and she would be parenting with their boss. She was not stupid, she had seen how chaotic things had gotten back in Seattle. This would only get worse. She had been naive enough to think it could be avoidable; how stupid of her. 

     Before stepping foot outside of the lockers room, Meredith stood by the mirror and took this moment where she was alone to look at her reflection. Her gaze drifted down to her belly. She stared at herself and gulped thickly. She was all alone now and she would have to face it. She could do it. She had to. She took a deep breath and turned around, headed for the door. As she opened it, her pager went off. Taking a look at it, she read the Chief’s office number and she felt the blood in her veins turning to ice; he had to have found out what happened. She felt her stomach in knots. She had not asked for any of this. She had move to Boston to avoid all of this. But Derek had stormed in and hell broke loose. Swallowing thickly, Meredith took a deep breath and headed to the Chief’s office with a heavy stomach. 

     “Grey, come on in,” the Chief spoke from his desk as he stood up, waving Meredith inside. “You can close the door,” he said as Meredith stepped inside and she felt her stomach flipping, but she turned around and did as she was told. “Come, have a seat,” he said, and he waited until she was sitting down to sit down himself. “Listen, I won’t go around it, I have heard about what happened and I have already spoken with Dr. Shepherd. I understand that you’ve been admitted overnight following pregnancy complications, so let me ask you first, how are you?” Meredith froze in her seat. She had no idea where the conversation was about to head, and truthfully she was starting to be scared about it. Scared that he would ask her to step down from the program, or to take a hiatus while things cleared out - to go and have the baby and come back in a few months? She had no idea but she was starting to get really scared that all she had planned out was going up in the air before her very eyes. Gulping, she focused on his question and answered shortly, “I’m fine.” 

     The Chief nodded and gulped. “Good, that’s good,” he said. This was uncomfortable, on so many levels. Meredith sat still and gulped in return, just staring at the Chief, waiting for her fate to be announced to her. “Listen, I highly disapprove of gossiping. I do not want that around my hospital, I do not want the chaos or the trouble that comes along with it, so if you find yourself in a situation like this ever again, I want you to come to me about it and I will see to it immediately, alright?” Meredith sort of froze again. She had not been expecting the conversation to head in that direction and so it left her speechless for a moment, but she soon enough nodded her head and responded softly, “Yes, sir.” The Chief nodded. “You do not have to feel responsible for what happened. While it was not Dr. Shepherd’s job to sanction them, I support his course of action as I would have done the same thing.” It left Meredith absolutely speechless, and yet she did hold onto the whole while it was not Dr. Shepherd’s job because indeed, it was not. He had overstepped. And she would be paying the price. Because regardless of Collins’ speech, no matter how much she appreciated it, the wrong had already been done, her peers would not treat her the same anymore. She would be the resident who slept with their boss, got pregnant and brought her drama to the hospital, on top of being Ellis Grey’s daughter. That was it; her reputation was done. 

     “You are a hard-worker, Dr. Grey. You have proved it since the moment you walked in here, and you were already proving it beforehand, I have only heard good things from Dr. Webber and I know them to be true for you have shown it to me countless times. You belong in this program, and we are happy to have you.” Again, the Chief left Meredith speechless. She had not been expecting to be thrown such flowers at her, but she would be lying if she claimed it did not matter to her in that moment; it mattered more than anything. It was like proof that she still had her place in the program, and so it chased away her sudden fears of being kicked out of the program. “Now, given the situation, I would understand if you would want to be off of Dr. Shepherd’s service for a while, unless you do not mine and we leave things as they are.” Instantly, Meredith gulped and shook her head. “Indeed, I would rather not be put on Dr. Shepherd’s service.” And right as she said it, she felt a need to add, “Respectfully, sir.” The Chief nodded and said, “Of course. I will make sure that you are not on his service until further notice.” Meredith gulped thickly. She was not sure that she was doing the right thing by doing this, but in that moment, she just could not stand the idea of having to work with him. Not now, not so soon. “Alright, Dr. Grey. You can head back to work and find your resident, ask them to affect you to another service and I shall speak with them later.” Meredith gulped and nodded, then got up from her seat. And she froze before turning away, struggling to speak at first, but then forced herself to say, “Thank you, Chief.” The Chief looked up and nodded back. “Take care of yourself, Dr. Grey.” Meredith gulped and nodded, then turned away and headed out of his office. 

     An entire week went by. Meredith had been on cardio, ortho and general and she had actually enjoyed her time on all departments. She had mostly enjoyed the distraction, getting to focus on things other than baby - Derek - soon being a single mother. The hardest part was laying in that on-call room at night and facing the fact that she was about to welcome a baby with no nursery or home to welcome it to, but when she started spiraling, she either did paperwork or studied until she fell asleep. The irony was that Derek had been teaching Collins, she had been hearing the surgery stories in the lockers room, and the truth was she had been avoiding the lockers room. She had been staying away, focused in her work and on her patients, and spending all her spare time studying, doing paperwork, or hiding out in her on-call room aka temporary (hopefully) home. Ignoring had been her go-to and it was working out just fine so far. 

     It was mid-afternoon, Meredith had just gotten out of a bowel obstruction surgery and had quickly headed into the shower. Her body was killing her, her feet were killing her, she wished she could just take a heavy hot shower but she was playing it safe and keeping the water temperature to a mild degree. She quickly dried herself up and changed into the loose scrubs she had brought into the bathroom with her. As she opened the door, she gasped as she saw a figure standing before her, but soon enough froze as their gaze locked and she realized that Derek had not only walked into her on-call room but that he was picking up on the fact that she had been living in that on-call room for a while now. Meredith swallowed thickly, unable to say anything as Derek spoke. The way her name fell from his lips sent chills up her spine, then she watched as he just began to pack her things, feeling a rage building up within her while at the same time she was unable to say anything. 

     But then somehow she found it in her to speak up. “You do not get to barge in here and tell me what to do,” she said. “How did you unlock the door?” She asked, her eyebrow raised up, but then she requestioned if she had locked it after all - surely not if they had walked in, she could hardly believe he had asked a janitor to unlock it for him. He would have waited by the door for her to come out if anything. But how could he know? She did not have time to ask because as she was about to speak up again, Derek beat her to it. He turned to her and reached for her hands, and the second she felt his fingers lacing around hers, she felt her whole entire body melting, and it felt as if she was thrown back to that moment she had been laying in that bed, and he had been sitting by her side, telling her he was not going anywhere. His words left her with a growing lump in her throat, somehow she managed to hold back the tears from welling up in her eyes, but they were surely struggling to. She absolutely hated the idea of him taking her to his place to take the spare room to crash into, but all the while she felt so reassured to have a place to crash and somewhere safe to go to. If she did not have to hold it together like that, she would have broken down and cried. Especially as she heard him saying no more fighting a two person battle on your own. In that instant, she picked up he knew Finn was out of the picture - although if she was crashing in the hospital something had to be off, still. Swallowing thickly, Meredith was unable to speak, knowing that if she so much as tried, she would be breaking down and crying uncontrollably. So she simply stood there and gulped thickly, staring back at him without a word, her lips pressed tight, holding back the tears though her eyes did feel a bit watery. 

    ONCE DEREK HAD PACKED everything he knew to be Meredith’s, he pulled the bag onto his shoulder and walked over to the woman he loved. He would always love Meredith, there was no going back on that one. He gently reached out to touch her shoulder. “Come on.” He encouraged gently. 

    Derek left through the more discreet exits. He didn’t want to draw attention to Meredith and have people question why Derek was carrying a bag full of what looked to be Meredith’s life on his shoulder. Once at his car, he put the bag in the trunk and opened the passenger side for Meredith. He didn’t say a word as he drove home. He kept his body language open in case she did wish to talk but otherwise, he remained quiet. 

    It wasn’t too far to drive and he was soon pulling into his assigned parking spot. He grabbed the bag from the trunk and then assisted Meredith out of the car. Again, he remained quiet until they made it to the apartment. “I’ll put your bags in here.” He explained as he lead her to the spare room which was across from the nursery. Said room remained open. It showed the progress Derek had made. Soft gender neutral colours on the wall and a white crib sat against the wall, a complimenting painted arch on the wall it sat against so it looked like a monotone rainbow going from one end of the crib to the other. A mobile hung from the ceiling and a soft beige blanket was hanging over the railings of the crib. There was a white rocking chair in the corner near the window and pale curtains that fluttered in the soft breeze from the open window. In the opposite corner near the wardrobe there was a pile of baby onesies he had collected, some diapers and wipes and other baby pieces that he hadn’t had time to put away yet. 

    Derek placed the bag on the bed Meredith would be sleeping in and then stepped back. “If you need help unpacking, please let me know.” He encouraged and then moved back further so he was stood in the doorway. “So...are you hungry?” He asked and looked over his shoulder. “I was going to order pizza with it being the end of the week, I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow but thought I would give myself a bit of a treat. Does pizza sound good to you?” He knew her tastebuds might be a little bit off. 

I was having a really good day and now I just feel like crying. If anyone wants to do I’m trying to get this blog and surgeonsoath off the ground again so please like for a starter.

❛ i died for five minutes, and then i came back to life. ❜

DEREK LET OUT A sigh. Lexie was like a little sister to him. More so than his own. She was sweet and funny and always kept him on his toes. Meredith might not have liked her to begin with, but Derek had bonded with her quite quickly. So whilst Meredith was sitting with Cristina, Derek was taking his turn to look after Lexie. His arm was still in a bulky cast but his surgery would be soon. He nodded at Lexie's words. "You did." He commented quietly. Cristina gave you CPR. It took about five minutes to bring you back. We managed to control the wounds once we got the plane off you. But they are still extensive." He nodded a little. "How are you feeling?"

mctwcsty​:

     IT ALMOST FELT AS IF THE WALLS were caving up on her. Meredith was mechanically walking herself but with no direction or a place to go to. And she had to stop her mind from feeling as though everybody around her were looking at her as she walked and gossiping about her, because as she walked, she felt like all the eyes were turning to look at her and everybody’s mouths were talking about her and Derek. It felt like a nightmare… of a nightmare she knew for she had lived it once. Like a repeated nightmare. Those are worse because one knows the outcome. 

     When she snapped out of her trance, Meredith found herself standing outside in the middle of the parking lot. She looked left, she looked right, and she was completely lost. Then as she looked up, a taxi was pulling up and dropping somebody off, and the next thing she knew she was getting in that taxi. “Where are you going, ma’am?” the driver asked, and Meredith froze, and she opened her mouth, and without even realizing what she was saying, she gave the address and soon enough found herself standing on a familiar front porch. She had barely knocked and the door opened, and she held her breath as her gaze met with his. “Meredith,”  Finn muttered, looking shocked to see her there. And in that instant, she realized where she was and shook her head. “I shouldn’t be here,” she began, and before she could turn around, a hand was grabbing her arm gently and she heard, “I’m glad you came. Come on, let’s get you inside,” and he guided her inside the house and shut the door behind her. 

     A cup of tea was set before her on the low-table in the living room and Finn sat down at a distance from her, but close enough that it did not feel like they had just become total strangers. She could feel a distance, and in that instant, she felt her stomach in knots. She missed Cristina. If she was in Seattle, she would be at Cristina’s place, there would be no questions asked, take out straight from the box in her hands and some stupid tv show on they would just sit by and half-watch. They would not have to say anything. Cristina would just be there. She would have someone. Now she had no one. No one but a baby growing inside her, depending on her. And she had no one. No home, nobody, nothing. And yet she had ran to Finn’s place and she wondered why she did. “Listen, I’m sorry I handled things the way I did, I mean, you were in the hospital, you just had a scare and I just- I… I mean I guess I freaked out, but it wasn’t fair on you,” Finn started going off, and Meredith found herself frowning as she glanced up at him, having not expected him to say all of that. “I guess it just brought back memories… I-” Finn gulped thickly as his gaze dropped down to the cup in his hands, he shook his head and shrugged. “It’s ok,” Meredith muttered as she nodded. Finn looked up and shook his head. “It’s not, I should have stayed by your side and instead I just left you there, alone,” Finn shook his head. 

     Meredith swallowed thickly. She was completely shocked, and yet so exhausted she could hardly listen, let alone think. “But I just… I just had to be honest…” Finn trailed off, and Meredith gulped thickly and said right away, “I know.” Everything stopped for a second and Finn looked up at her, his gaze meeting hers. And they just sat there for a moment, and Meredith gulped thickly. In that instant, she knew this was no longer her place to be; this house had been her home for the past few months, ever since she had gotten to Boston almost, but it no longer felt like home. A lump formed in her throat and she tried to gulp past it, but she knew Finn knew her well enough to see through it the moment she would speak; it did not matter. “I am so thankful…” she paused, gulped, “…for everything you’ve done for me.” She saw the way Finn’s face changed and she knew a lump was forming in his throat, which made it so much harder but she gulped through it. “Meredith…” he began, but she said, “I am having a baby, and I have to do this on my own now.” She said, and she saw Finn’s face changing, and so before he could say anything, she added, “With Derek, of course,” and instantly Finn’s face changed again and she saw the way he bit the inside of his cheek and she gulped thickly. “I just, I have to figure this out on my own.”

     Finn sat there and did not say anything, and Meredith sat there and did not say anything either. She just gulped thickly and stared at him for a moment, letting this all sink in. For herself, too. This was it. “I wouldn’t be here… if you hadn’t been there,” she muttered, and Finn reached out to put his cup of tea away and then scootched closer to take Meredith’s hands in his. And when he did, she felt chills up her spine. He was such a good guy. A kind-hearted, gentle, caring guy. But she knew, and she knew that he knew, that their paths were coming at an inevitable crossroad. “You did a lot for me, too, Meredith…” Finn begun, and it took Meredith by surprise but she listened. “You helped me move on… from what happened,” he muttered, and Meredith felt the lump growing in her throat. “And I really am glad that you and Derek are working things out, so that you can both be there for your daughter,” he muttered, and Meredith felt her stomach in knots thinking about the day she had just had. “You will be a wonderful mother, Meredith,” Finn muttered softly, squeezing her hands. Meredith gulped thickly and looked down at their hands before looking up again. “Don’t fear it, you already are,” he said while nodding his head, and she gulped thickly feeling that lump in her throat again, even feeling a little watery feeling in her eyes.

     Gulping again, Meredith watched as Finn gently pulled his hands away and she nodded. “I will get my stuff out of your way tomorrow,” she muttered, to which Finn frowned right away and shook his head. “Meredith, there is no rush for anything,” but Meredith shook her head back at him. “Please,” she muttered, and she gave him a soft smile that was covering up the tears she was fighting back so strongly. “You’ve been kind enough already and have done so much for me, now it’s time you start thinking about you.” And seeing the way his face changed, she could tell he was relieved. And she felt her heart break a little, but she gulped and held it together. 

     A smile eventually formed on Finn’s face, then followed by a chuckle and Meredith frowned at first yet her lips formed a small smile, she was certainly confused. “I- you’re going to laugh,” he said as he shook his head. Meredith frowned some more all the while smiling a little still. “What?” she asked softly. Finn smiled. “I mean, last night when I got home, I got on my computer and I bought a one-way ticket to Europe,” he said, and Meredith’s eyebrows raised up as shock took over her face for a minute. She stared at him for a moment, at first sinking in the fact that after he had broken things off with her, he had just gotten home and bought a one-way ticket to Europe… but then also understanding. She froze a moment and then said, “W-Wow…!” Finn nodded. “I know, I froze for a good hour after I did it,” he laughed, and then as he settled again, he shrugged and gulped. “I just- I need to get out of here for a while… I just need to find myself again… you know,” he said. And Meredith gulped and sat still before him, and she simply nodded her head. Of course she knew. She had done the very same. Flew the country to a different city to start over. In her case, it had not quite taken her to a whole different outcome it felt like, but she also knew that a lot was different because she had gone away. “It’s a great idea,” Meredith nodded after a moment, and she added, “I’m really happy for you.” Finn smiled and gulped, then nodded. “Thanks…” he spoke softly. 

     And so they sat like that for a moment, both of them not quite knowing what to say, but then both of them knowing there was nothing left to be said. After a while, Meredith gulped and nodded as she looked Finn in the eyes. “I think I should go now,” she muttered softly. Finn shrugged right away and said, “You can stay for the night if you want, it’s dark out already,” but Meredith shook her head right away. “Thank you, but… I should go,” she said, and Finn gulped and nodded, and a smile appeared on his face. Soft, kind, just like he was. “Ok,” he said softly, and Meredith felt her stomach in knots, yet she felt a finality that did not feel as heavy and troubling as she would have expected. It felt ok. “Do you want me to drive you somewhere?” He asked, and Meredith felt a bitter taste in her mouth because something told her he imagined she might be going to Derek’s place, and he just had no idea what was going on. And it shall stay that way. And so she put a soft smile on and shook her head, kindly dismissing his offer. “I’ll call a cab,” she said with a nod, and she was glad that Finn did not push it.

     Soon enough a cab pulled up by the driveway and Meredith gathered her coat and bag and headed for the door. “You have the key so you can come whenever, take as much time as you need to get your things, there is no rush, I mean it,” Finn said for the third time, and Meredith smiled and nodded. “Thank you, but tomorrow, it will be done,” she nodded, “I don’t want to drag this on,” she said, and Finn nodded. Meredith gulped and stood there for a moment, and a silence settled and she just knew she had to go before her wall broke down. “Alright,” she muttered and turned around, reaching for the door handle. “Meredith,” Finn said, stopping her on her way, and so she turned back around and gulped as their gaze locked again. “Please take care of yourself,” Finn muttered softly, and corrected, “Yourselves.” Meredith gulped and glanced down at her belly, watching Finn resting his hand on it so gently before taking it away, and her gaze moved up to find his again and she nodded. “Take care of yourself, too,” she said, and Finn nodded. “I promise if you promise,” he muttered, and smiled. Meredith could not help but to let the corner of her mouth curve up a little, and she nodded. “I promise,” she said, and Finn nodded. “Good.” 

     Finn stood in the doorway a while, watching as Meredith headed into the cab and buckled herself up. Meredith only looked over at him once she was settled, and he waved over at her and so she waved back, and as he shut the door and she found herself staring at the house before her, she felt the lump growing in her throat as reality felt like it was hitting her right in the face. It was real - it was really over; she no longer had a home. She felt her heart starting to beat pretty fast. “Where am I taking you?” The driver asked, and it snapped her right out of her head. She turned to him and froze; where was he taking her? She had no idea. The only place she thought she could go did not feel safe anymore, but it was all she had left, and so she gulped thickly and said, “Mass General Hospital, please.” The drive drove away and Meredith turned her head to the house and watched as it disappeared down the street, behind her. It was behind her now, it was her past. And she had no idea what her future had in store, except there was a baby who would need her, and she had to figure her things out, and fast. 

     Using the back doors that she knew of and finding her way up to an on-call room discreetly, Meredith locked the door behind her and exhaled deeply as she sat down on the bed. She looked around her and then looked down at herself, more precisely at her belly, and she gulped thickly as she rested both hands around it. She stared at it for a moment, and she breathed out. “I have no idea what I’m doing here,” she muttered, head shaking. “But it’s gonna be fine,” she said, and nodding, she looked up and looked around herself and repeated, “It’s all gonna be fine.” 

     Somehow she managed to fall asleep and get a rather good night sleep. She woke up before her alarm that she had put early enough to sneak in to the interns locker room to get a shower before any of them got there, so nobody would question the fact that she was already there. She was already developing tricks so that her living-in-an-on-call-room situation stayed on the down-low. She showered rather quickly, put her scrubs on and as she was drying her hair with a towel, the door opened and Collins appeared. Meredith froze instantly as their gaze locked through the mirror reflection. It felt like those three seconds of silence had actually been three years. “I’m sorry,” Collins said, breaking the silence. Meredith was shocked. She turned around so to face Collins, and she gulped thickly. “I shouldn’t have been talking about you and your stuff like that behind your back, that wasn’t cool, I’m sorry,” Collins said, much to Meredith’s surprise, but that shock was nothing compared to the one about her mere presence. “I- thought you were-” she said, and Collins cut her right off, “Dr. Shepherd reinstated me. He wanted to give us a lesson and he was right. It wasn’t cool. I promise I won’t do it again, and if I find others doing so, you bet I’ll speak up about it.” She gave Meredith a smile and yet Meredith could not move, too shocked. Collins headed over to her locker and Meredith just remained still, frozen into place, shocked. Had he done that because of what she had told him? She was as shocked about him listening and going back on his decision than him apologizing that past night and not saying anything to argue or anything. Where had the Derek she had always known gone off to? 

    WHILST THE GOOD NIGHT’S rest had helped Derek, the text he had received from the Chief did not. He absently got dressed that day. He felt numb. He knew he had fucked up. He knew he couldn’t go around telling his interns that if they gossiped about the woman having his baby, he would suspend them. But he had been angry. He had wanted to just scream at them and tell them they were adults and they shouldn’t be acting like they were still in high school. But they were still babies, technically. They were at the bottom of the surgical food chain and they would stay that way for a while. He just hoped that when they moved up, they would grow out of those childish habits. 

    Derek knocked gently on the door to the Chief’s office. A quiet ‘come on’ drifted towards him through the haze and he eventually pushed the door open. “Chief, you wanted to see me?” Derek asked as calmly as he could manage.  “Yes. Come in Dr Shepherd. Take a seat.” Derek did as he was told. He wandered deeper into the room after shutting the door behind him and then settled in the chair opposite the Chief, making a conscious effort to not look closed off and angry.  “I hear you suspended Dr Collins...for a day?”  Derek nodded his head a little.  “Yes, Sir.”  “Any particular reason?” Derek took a breath. He knew he would have to explain the childish reason why he suspended one of his best interns. He let the breath out slowly.  “I caught her gossiping about Dr Grey. The secret about our relationship got out after Dr Hale told everyone.” The Chief nodded a little and jotted down on his pad.  “And when was this?”  “When Mer-...” He stopped. Should he be calling her Meredith? He shook his head slightly. He was over thinking it. “When Meredith was admitted with Braxton Hicks. Dr Hale came to get me before I started surgery as Meredith was asking for me. We thought the baby was coming early.” He explained. “She was admitted overnight and I stayed with her.”  “I see. Did you reprimand Dr Hale, also?” Derek shook his head. “No Sir. I gathered them as a group and explained if I hear anyone gossiping about Dr Grey, I shall suspend them for a week. I wasn’t thinking right and I wanted to put an end to the gossiping but it only made things worse for Dr Grey. It was a stupid choice and I regret it. But they did need to be taught that gossiping is a childish game.”  Again, the Chief nodded. “I agree.” He commented, looking up at Derek. Derek’s jaw nearly dropped in shock, but he simply swallowed instead. “You do?” “I do. Gossiping is toxic behaviour. It creates cliques and can take a star student to the bottom of the pack with the impact of it. As you know, Dr Grey is a fantastic doctor and it isn’t just solely because of her mother. It’s on her own merit. The pregnancy is unfortunate, but it’s not like the old days now. A doctor can have a baby and not fall too far behind, especially if they work as hard as Dr Grey and they are able to get ahead before the baby arrives. In a way, she is lucky to be having the baby with yourself because you are more able to take time off and not lose your place within the hospital. It gives Dr Grey the opportunity to not fall too far behind. But that is something that Dr Grey has to decide on. If she’s happy to come back so soon. But that’s not what we are here for. I digress.” He shook his head a little and then jotted something else on his pad again. “Whilst you were in the wrong, you were also in the right. You showed that you were not messing around. However, next time you have an issue with your interns, I would rather you send them to myself to handle their place within our programme, understood?” Derek nodded at the Chief.  “Of course, Sir. I apologise.” He stood up and shook his hand before he left. 

    A whole week passed before Derek saw Meredith again. She had been assigned onto other people’s services and Derek spent most of his time teaching Collins. Was he making up for the fact that he had nearly suspended her? Probably. But she seemed to be enjoying the training and she was very good at Neuro. He had been in the cafeteria with her going over their next case when a shadow was cast over their files. He looked up and saw Julie awkwardly moving from foot to foot as if she needed to pee desperately, but the fiddling of her hands told him differently.  “Umm, Dr Shepherd, can we talk?” She glanced at Collins. “Privately?” Without a word, Collins pushed her chair back and gathered the papers. “I’ll keep going over these.” Derek nodded and then held a chair out for Julie.  “What’s going on, Dr Hale?” “It’s...umm...it’s Meredith.” Derek let out a sigh and Julie quickly covered. “I’m not gossiping...I promise. I just think she needs help.” Derek frowned and leant back in his chair, allowing her to keep talking. “I was heading for one of the back on-call rooms because they are the quietest and there is an attached bathroom. There’s one I used to use all the time but when I went in there someone’s things were in there. I was going to leave but that’s when I noticed it wasn’t just someone’s scrubs or whatever. There was a small suitcase and some books. Then I noticed Dr Grey’s spare keycard on top of the suitcase.” Derek frowned at that and Julie pushed forwards. “Dr Shepherd, I think...I think Meredith is living in the hospital.” 

    Derek had to see for himself. He followed Julie to the on-call room but dismissed her once he got there. Slowly he pushed open the door. Indeed, someone was living in the on-call room. He closed the door behind him and walked further into the room. The suitcase in question was in the corner but the keycard was no longer there. He could hear running water from the en-suit bathroom. But out of the corner of his eye, he spotted it. Neatly folded by a pile of clothes. He knew she probably couldn’t even fit into it anymore, but there sat her scruffy Dartmouth shirt. He walked over to it and lifted it, letting it unfold. His finger immediately found the hole in the back of the neck. Meredith was living in the hospital. As the door to the bathroom opened, Derek turned to face his ex-girlfriend. The woman who was having his baby. She seemed so small and fragile but she was also so strong. She was carrying their baby and had been doing so for almost 9 months. She had been fighting this battle for their daughter on her own for so long. It was his time to truly step forward and help.  “Meredith.” He sighed. “Let’s get you packed.” 

    Without another word, Derek began to pack Meredith’s things. He hoped she wouldn’t fight him. Once he had everything packed away he walked over to her and gently reached for her hands. “You don’t have to do this alone. You’re not living in the hospital. I have a room for you. No more fighting a two person battle on your own.” He knew they had their differences but she needed to know he was there for her and he was going to help her. 

mctwcsty​:

     THE TRUTH WAS, THINGS GOT TOUGH and so did she, walk away. She left. She fell in love, had her heart broken, and staying around was too hard so she left. Had Derek now showed up, she was not even sure that he would know about the baby, in fact, she was pretty sure he still would be in the dark about it all. Yes he lied and yes he broke her heart, twice when he chose his wife over her, but she took off to Boston. And maybe that was what angered her, too. That she had come to Boston to find a new sense of peace, a new place to start over, anew, but no matter how far she could travel, she could never escape her life or even her past, it would always be a part of who she was and somehow it would always find her again. Had going to Europe really separated her from her the weight of her mother’s disappointment and broken off that feeling of not doing enough, or being enough? Of course not. Had leaving Seattle and Derek separated her from the lingering feelings and her pain? Of course not! And as proof, Derek had found her and her whole world had flipped upside down again, it almost felt like she had never left Seattle in the first place.

     Derek just stood there, and that, too, infuriated Meredith somehow. She almost expected him to yell back. The words were pouring out from her mouth and her body felt like it was preparing for the attack back, for him cutting her off and snapping back at her. But everything she said left him quiet, his hands in his pockets, his gaze locked on her, his mouth shut. Speechless. Silence. Complete silence from him. And that look in his eyes that just made her angrier. Because she could not stand that look. That weary yet caring look that just made her stomach flip and her legs weak. She could not stand it because she could not let her guard down and let go of the anger building up inside, she did not want to. She did not want him to subdue her with this weary caring look and make all her anger go away. 

     And then eventually, his lips parted and his mouth opened, and before the words escaped him, Meredith felt her body tensing up, as though getting ready for his arguing back at her and mustering up a response of some kind to argue back. But the words that left his lips actually left her speechless. Or was it his words or more the tone of his voice. I’m sorry, Meredith. Soft, calm, and a level of sincerity she had not heard in his voice since the moment he had told her he would be around for her and the baby, in whatever shape and form they needed, and that she could count on him from there on out. A sincerity she had not heard since sitting on that front porch and he had told her that she was like coming up for fresh air and it was like he was drowning and she had saved him. 

     Was it the disarming sincerity in his voice or the striking authenticity in his eyes, probably both, Meredith just stood into place, staring back at him, frozen into place, speechless. There was a knot in her stomach, a heaviness in her throat, a burning feeling in her eyes - she was exhausted, she was an emotional wreck and she was angry yet not anymore, hell she had no idea herself, she was just shocked and speechless. Usually he would say her name and she would snap, get angry, lash out. But his tone left her speechless. Derek just kept standing there, staring back at her, or down at the floor, then back at her with that same look in his eyes and his hands in his pockets, as though just letting his words sink in more, letting her have a moment to process, giving her space, giving her the full control of the situation - giving her the power. 

     And yet, she had none. Finn had left her. The people she thought she was getting along with talked about her behind her back and gossiped about her own personal life throughout their entire work place, the one person she thought she had made friends with had been the initiator of the gossips, and Derek had just made the one stable place she had left in her life - her safe place - a not safe anymore place where she had no idea she fitted anymore; she was all alone. And she was absolutely scared to the bone. She was a first year resident - pregnant - about to give birth to the child of her own boss. Her mother would be absolutely disappointed, and rightfully so. She had been weak, and she had failed. And now she would be welcoming a child into such circumstances and she could not help but fear the cycle would repeat itself and that she had just doomed a kid to her own cursed karma.

     Meredith just stood there for a moment, and after a while, she felt her stomach flip and her throat tighten and she simply could not breathe. She had to get out. And so she did. Without a single word, one last look into Derek’s eyes, she turned around, mechanically grabbed the handle of the door and unlocked it with her other hand before pulling it, and she walked out of the room. From there on out, everything was a blur. She just mechanically walked herself but had no idea where she was going. Because she had nowhere to go to. She no longer had a home, and she no longer had a safe space to crash into. She had nothing left but the fear in her stomach that she had failed before getting a chance to try. She was doomed from the start. She wondered if she had made the right choice, all those months ago in that waiting room. Had she not met Finn and let his story talk her into keeping the baby, had she not left Seattle for Boston, had she not fallen in love, had she not gone to that bar that night, had she stayed in Boston in the first place and picked Mass Gen’s program for her residency to begin with. What if she had made different decisions. She had doomed everything and everyone. And most importantly, she had doomed an innocent little human being’s life which had not even started yet. 

    THERE WAS SO MUCH uncertainty surrounding them at that moment. She was angry at him and rightly so. He had done something that was almost unforgivable. He couldn’t move forwards without knowing where he stood with Meredith, but he sure as hell knew he couldn’t follow her out of the room. 

    So Derek watched as Meredith left. The door fell shut behind her and left him in isolation. He could barely hear the noises of the hospital. His head was pounding and noises was buzzing through his ears. He had screwed up again and he didn’t deserve to be in Meredith’s life. If the child hadn’t been involved, he wouldn’t be. Their daughter was the only reason Meredith still allowed him in her life and he had pretty much ruined that. He was an idiot. 

    Derek sucked in a slow, deep breath and then opened the door. He walked down the halls towards his office but came across a group of his interns. They went to scatter as they saw him but he stopped them. “I shouldn’t have been that harsh on Collins.” He started. “I’m not going to give you the full details, but I don’t take nicely to people gossiping. It was a threat that even I didn’t expect to follow through on. Collins will be reinstated tomorrow.” He watched the interns’ frowns turn into slight smiles. “Just don’t gossip. You don’t have any idea what that does to the person or people involved.” He noticed them all nod and then a mumbled ‘Sorry Dr Shepherd’ appeared. He nod back at them and then headed towards his office. 

    He wasn’t going to stick around. He grabbed his personal belongings and then took himself out the back way so to avoid the chief. It wasn’t long before he was at his apartment and collapsing onto the bed. As much as he wanted to message Meredith and apologise, he refrained from doing so. Instead he turned his phone off for the night and set his alarm clock. He didn’t even undress, simply fell asleep and slept the night away. There was no way he would stay awake any longer. 

    The morning would bring a lot for him to deal with, but for now; his mind was able to shut off and he could enjoy the comfort of his bed. 

mctwcsty​:

     SHE HAD BEEN ON HER WAY TO his office, although she had a feeling he most probably would not be there. She should have gone there and told him to meet her there though, most definitely would have been more appropriate to meet and talk in his office than to head up to an on-call room and add fuel to the fire; give them all more reasons to speculate. But in that moment, Meredith was not even thinking about that. All that was stuck on her mind was the mess they found themselves in, and the fact that Derek had threatened her colleagues with a suspension if he ever heard them talking about her, which had happened even before she had heard them all gossiping about her in that cafeteria, which meant they had had a conversation about all this earlier in the day? She just felt completely out of her own situation and she felt past the point of anger; she had just entered a survival mode that she knew all too well and that made her feel absolutely sick to her stomach. 

     The moment his text came in, she was well on her way, a decided step in her foot. She used the back elevator and stood alone in that cabin, staring up at the numbers flashing up, impatiently waiting for the 4th one to light up. She was out even before the doors were fully opened and heading down that hall to that on-call room like she was on an emergency mission. Julie’s words just kept playing on repeat in her head. They’re not going to talk about it anymore, I mean after what he’s done to Collins, nobody’s going to say anything anymore…! She could feel the chills rushing up her spine. He’d already told us not to talk about you or the situation, that if he heard any of us gossiping about it, he’d make sure to suspend us for a week. The rage was building up inside, it felt like a fire and the flames were just sparking up. Believe me, nobody’s going to be talking about it anymore, nobody wants to be suspended. 

     Meredith did not even knock, nor did she wonder if the door would be locked. She simply went for the handle and pushed it opened, as though knowing it would be unlocked and that Derek would be waiting for her. She found him sitting on the bed as she appeared in the door way. His gaze moved up and his eyes found hers, and without lingering in the doorway, she walked right inside and turned around to shut the door, then turned back around to face him. He had stood up and was now standing before her. By the look on his face, she could tell he had had quite a day himself. And by the look in his eyes, she could tell he was holding his head low; he looked sorry. But his dreary looks would not cut it for her. 

     “What were you thinking?!” She snapped, a red look in her eyes. She felt like she was on fire, literally. The low stress motto was out by then - there was nothing low stress about this. “You just got here and now you’re suspending them? Telling them they can’t talk about me, what is this?! What the hell is wrong with you?!” She snapped, a little louder this once, feeling herself losing control of her emotions. “I came here to get a fresh start, now you get here and you think playing the hot shot egomaniacal new head department is gonna make things any better?!” The words were just pouring out and there was no way for her to stop them. All she could think about in this moment in time was thank god she did not live with him because oh, that would only make things even more great. But that also meant that she even had less of a home at the moment, and all her peers would keep their distance and most of them probably hated her by now. Things had just gone from bad to worse overnight and yet again, she stood in the middle of the storm and found herself helpless and completely out of control. And who - yet again - managed to get the good outcome from the situation? Who - yet again - had all the power and control, and seemed to not even care about the damage it did around him?

     “You don’t give a rat’s ass about what’s going to come out of your actions, or what the repercussions to those around you will be, you just go and do things and not realize that you’re only making things worse,” Meredith snapped on still, just letting all her anger out, and boy was there a lot. “Because you’ve got all the power, you just go ahead and do whatever, and then things get tough and you walk away,” she snapped, and this once, her words were loud, sharp, and maybe though they were coming out just now they held a lot of past held back frustration. Meredith stood still a little out of breath, but she was not even realizing so, she was just lost in the outpour coming from her mouth, feeling as though she was in trance, possessed by her body somehow. Not quite present, sort of lost in all of the feelings and the anger and the fear and everything around it. She was in survival mode. Not much made sense. She just knew her world was falling apart once again, but she was not the only one to save at this point; in fact, she was not the one to save at all. 

    DEREK WAITED IN PLACE with his hands in his pockets. He ket his gaze on Meredith but he wanted to shrink away completely and hide from her anger like a small child. He had gone too far. It wasn’t his place to take Meredith’s life and manipulate it so that everyone around her was scared to talk to her or get involved with her. 

    But as Meredith spoke of how he did whatever he wanted and then walked away, it hurt. It hurt because he knew it was true. He did do that. Often, too. It wasn’t fair on Meredith. So even though he wanted to fight back and give his side of the story, he instead kept his eyes on Meredith, his voice quiet. “I’m sorry, Meredith.” The words were soft and sincere. It wasn’t him trying to gain her back, he was truly sorry. He didn’t want to speak more. He didn’t want her to think he was trying to cover his tracks. So he let his gaze drop slightly, waiting for her to react. 

    All he could think about was the argument he had had with Meredith after she had found the divorce papers unsigned; I usually say Meredith and you yell. He was expecting it. He was expecting her to show him the true extent of her anger, because he deserved it. But he also thought that she should take it easy due to the baby. She didn’t need her stress levels to be elevated or her blood pressure to rise. She needed to be stable because their baby wasn’t ready to be born yet. 

    Derek rocked back on his heels slightly and brought his gaze back up to Meredith. He couldn’t go back on what he had done because it would show he was weak, but he was sorry. Even though a part of him hoped that Collins understood that what she had done wasn’t good enough. They were adults and she had acted like a kid in high school. It’s what he hated the most about Seattle Grace; everyone acted like children and then were shocked when it came to bite them in the ass. He wouldn’t stand for gossiping here, but he should have done it a different way. 

    If he was brought up by the chief, he would say it was bullying, which in a way it was. They were ostracising Meredith, not only because of her past relationship with him, but he had caught them talking about Dr Grey also. It didn’t matter who Meredith’s mother was, she got through medical school on her own merit alone. She was incredible and they were surely jealous. But now he did look like the asshole boss who was sleeping with his intern and gave her special treatment. 

    Derek’s blue eyes were trained on Meredith. He waited for her next move. The next moment she would snap at him. The next moment she would shout at him. He would take it all. 

    After all, he deserved it. 

mctwcsty​:

     THE WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY ENDED up being a walk that led her outside the hospital. Sort of mechanically walking herself there, Meredith snapped out of her disconnection and realized she was sitting in a bench outside the hospital, in a secluded area at the back of the hospital, which was everything Meredith had been needing. To be away from the noise, away from the people, away from the gossip. Those damn gossips. She thought they could stay in Seattle, that Boston could be a new beginning, but really her past had just followed her with a delay. Did she really think she could escape her past after all? How naïve of her. How stupid.

     At least back here, nobody was gossiping about her personal life and whoever she had slept with and made a baby with, or who had birthed her and therefore birthed her a career at the same time, like she had not worked for it herself, like her mother had done it all for her. People had no idea who her mother really was and that was fine, but in this moment it weighted heavier on her, maybe because she was about to become a parent herself and she was finding herself thinking back on everything that had led her to where she was at, and worrying about what her baby’s future would look like being born with not one but two surgeons for parents. Derek had nothing to do with her mother, nor her father - after all he had not abandoned her and had come all the way from Seattle to be there for her, which was more than her father had ever done. But she had no idea about herself, after all, she had a crappy example for parents. How the hell could she be any different than what she had had growing up, than what she had known?

     Meredith sat back in the bench and closed her eyes, pursed her lips and breathed out deeply. She just needed to breathe. She needed to breathe and forget for a moment. And she remained there for a while, until her lunch break was over and she had to head back to work. She did not really feel like going back in there. She could still see the look in Julie’s eyes as she stared into her own, that guilty but yet somehow pleased look in her eyes, as though she knew she had messed up but at the same time was not entirely sorry about it. It hurt. Not that she was surprised, there was something about Julie that had always felt off, they never fully connected, but Julie was also the only “friend” she had here in Boston, so to feel like she had been backstabbed by the one person she trusted around the place was a very hard hit to take. 

     But she had come to Boston to become a surgeon and so that was what she was going to do. She technically still had a while before the baby was here so she would embrace every opportunity to grow and work before taking a small break, and she would come back in full force, ready to keep going. Keeping the focus on the heart of the matter. You can do this, Meredith. She was mentally repeating those words to herself as she pulled herself up off the bench and walked back inside, heading back to where she and Dr. Davis were supposed to meet, not even paying attention to who she was walking past down the halls. She was focused. She met with Davis and finished up some paperwork for him, did another few consults, pretty routine kind of day, nothing too exciting but again, her body had gone through enough the past day, a slower day back was exactly what she had needed, she knew. And though her day had been slow, she still managed to finish the day sore enough that she was looking forward sitting down and resting her feet for the night. 

     As she was heading back to the lockers room, a group of residents walked out and though she did not hear what they were saying, by the way they stopped talking right as they locked gaze on her and scattered off quietly, Meredith knew they had to be talking about her still. Shaking her head and sighing, Meredith gulped thickly and entered the scrub room, eyeing Julie and ignoring her, walking straight to her locker. The room emptied out rather quickly, not much to Meredith’s surprise, and obviously the only two remaining people in the room were Julie and herself. Meredith just kept her focus together, focused on grabbing her bag and getting the hell out of here. The thing was, she used to have a place to run off to. Now she did not anymore. It was not like she could run off to Finn’s house, not anymore, she could not. And she did not want to go to Derek’s place either, although a part of her wanted to just be with him and feel safe sort of for the first time that day. At least she knew he would not be like one of them, judging her and looking her up and down with judgey looks. 

     The moment of silence lasted longer than she would have anticipated, soon enough Julie stepped closer and spoke up. “Meredith, can we talk?” She asked, and instantly, Meredith’s head moved right up and her gaze found Julie’s, and she just stared straight into her big brown eyes, and by the look on Julie’s face, she could tell she looked rather angry. “I’m so sorry, I swear, I didn’t mean to-” Julie began, but Meredith cut her right off. “-To what?” Julie’s head moved back and she froze for a minute. Meredith stared on, Julie swallowed thickly. “To tell the whole hospital that I slept with him?” She snapped. “Or that he “knocked me up”? Or maybe that it wasn’t enough that I had a renowned surgeon for a mother, I had to sleep with one and have him make me a baby, is that it?” Meredith threw at her bitterly, rage in her eyes and rightfully so. Her reputation as ruined, not to mentioned that the Chief had insisted they kept things professional and that their personal lives did not disturb the peace of the hospital, and now her personal life was the heart of the gossips of the place. How great. 

     Julie’s head tilted and she sighed. “That’s not-” she began, but Meredith cut her right off. “That’s not it?” She shook her head and stared at her with a questioning look that Julie seemed to be avoiding, much like she was trying to avoid her gaze. But that did not stop Meredith. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth,” she stated. “Is that what you want to hear?” She asked, her voice rather snappy. Julie stood still, head low. “Well I’m sorry, but I’m not,” she snapped. “This is my personal life, about my relationships and my baby, and it does not concern you, or anybody else but me, do you understand that? Or is it too hard for you to respect not being part of a situation that isn’t yours and actually keeping your opinions to yourself?” Meredith shook her head. “And I thought we were friends,” she dismissed under her breath, a disbelief in her voice. “We are…!” Julie tried to insist, but Meredith had already long dismissed it. “They’re not going to talk about it anymore, I mean after what he’s done to Collins, nobody’s going to say anything anymore…!” Julie tried to justify, but something stuck that left her confused. 

     Turning up to look at Julie, avoiding the rage that welled up within her as she did so, she stayed focused to her main question. “Who’s done what to Collins?” She asked, and instantly Julie’s face dropped. “What do you mean- you- you haven’t heard?” She asked, and Meredith frowned. “Heard what!” She snapped, and Julie slightly jumped out of surprised, having not expected that, and then she said, “Shepherd… he suspended Collins?” The confusion on Meredith’s face was beyond noticeable and so Julie explained a bit, figuring out Meredith had absolutely no idea what happened. “After you left the cafeteria, a group of residents sat together and chatted about the whole thing, and Shepherd heard. He’d already told us not to talk about you or the situation, that if he heard any of us gossiping about it, he’d make sure to suspend us for a week. So when he heard-” But before Julie could finish, Meredith cut her off. “Wait, he what?!” She snapped. Julie stood still, and so did Meredith for a moment, computing it all. Eventually she gulped thickly and asked, “He suspended Collins?” Julie gulped thickly herself and nodded. “He did,” she said. “So believe me, nobody’s going to be talking about it anymore, nobody wants to be suspended,” she shrugged.

     But before Julie could even finish, Meredith was already out the door and off to track Derek down. She had to find him. Suspending her colleague? Did he think this would be making things better? Easier? That they would accept her more? He was off protecting her, now suspending people for talking about her, how did he not think they would even more think she was getting privileges? She pulled out her phone and sent him a text. She had to find him. Now. 

[Txt from Meredith] : where are you?

   HOW HE THOUGHT HE could get away with suspending one of Meredith’s peers and not have her realise, he wasn’t sure. But when he received the text, he sat staring at his phone for some time.

   The fear ran through his body. He was scared that he had just fucked everything up. They had been building bridges that had previously been burnt to a crisp. He had been making good headway, she had been trusting him again and yet he had let his anger get the better of him and he had taken it out on the interns. The interns which were Meredith’s peers and would most likely see this as special treatment. But he had threatened and it was extremely unlikely that Meredith would have gossiped about herself.

   With a sigh, he unlocked his phone and quickly texted back.

[ Txt from Derek] : On call room. 4th floor. The one in the very back.

   He didn’t move whilst he waited. He remained seated on the edge of the bed. But his leg bounced in place and he tapped his phone against his palm. The nervous energy was running through him. He was gearing himself up for her anger. He wouldn’t shout back. He wouldn’t fight it. He would simply apologise. He deserved it after all. But if he went to Collins and told her that she could stay, it would make him look weak and it would only allow the rumour mill to start churning again. He didn’t want that.

   As the door opened, Derek lifted his eyes and watched Meredith walk through. He kept his mouth shut but lifted himself to his feet. A sign of respect. If he remained seated it could come off as stand offish. He didn’t want that. He wanted her to know he was sincere. That he was sorry that he had made this tremendously worse for her.

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     SLIGHTLY PULLING A FACE AS HE pushed the tea towards her instead, Meredith grabbed it and slightly tilted her head. “Fine,” she said, before taking a sip. Feeling the hot liquid travelling down her throat felt great; she realized she had skipped dinner the previous night and had not had anything since lunch the previous day, the hot liquid reaching her stomach felt pretty great but she certainly would have to grab something to eat. But mentioning it would only worry Derek so she kept it to herself and made a mental note to get something to eat once they would part ways. “Thanks,” she muttered as she held the cup up to him before setting it down on the counter by her chart. As he mentioned about his coffee drinking in front of her, she shrugged. “It’s fine,” she shook her head. “I get it,” she added, slightly pulling a face at him, obviously messing with him. 

     “Good,” she nodded as he mentioned about getting some sleep. The events of the previous day sure had taken a tole on him, too, she knew. She was glad he had been around though. He really had calmed her down. Surely his presence during the delivery would be necessary, she was already freaked out just thinking about having to go through it again, and for the complete deal this time. She shivered just thinking about it and had to stop herself from thinking about it any further when the thought came to mind. She nodded as he mentioned of being around if she needed him. The echo came to mind, she had to tell him about it, but then he spoke of Davis and her being on his service and she gulped. She did not dislike the guy, but he was not the type of surgeon she looked up to. He was pretty mild and safe, whereas she liked taking risks and going for the challenges. But after the events of the previous day, she figured it might be better that way. Although to hear Derek talking about it, she almost wondered how come he knew so much about her day and what would be coming up ahead. 

     But before she could say anything, he was off talking about being busy at lunch and it brought back her previous thought and took her mind off of the previous subject of conversation. “Sure,” she nodded, “I’m actually meeting Julie up for lunch. I also have an echo later today, to make sure everything’s fine. I can page you if you’d like, if you’re free you could come,” she shrugged. She did not want to pressure him into being there, also understanding it was last minute and he had a schedule, but if ever he wanted to be there, she sure would not mind his presence. In fact, it would reassure her to have him there, but she did not want to say it. She did not want him to suspect anything. 

     As Derek walked away, Meredith got back into reading her patient’s chart and studied the rest of it before going up to meet with Dr. Davis in time for his rounds, quickly grabbing a protein bar from a machine on her way up. The morning went by quicker than she had apprehended, and she cleared up some paperwork for him which was fine and got her off her feet for a bit, and truthfully she was glad to get a moment to sit down. She was still pretty sore and her lower back was giving her a harder time than it used to, standing up for a long period of time that morning had made it hurt a bit. That or the not so comfortable on-call room mattress she had spent over twelve hours laid in that previous night. Davis was off on lunch break and told her to meet him around 1PM so Meredith had about an hour of lunch break. She texted Julie and told her to meet her in the cafeteria for lunch and then headed over there. As she got there and got in line, she looked around until her ear caught her name, which made her frown and look forward, to a few people before her in line. 

“Yes, I swear it’s true, Dr. Shepherd knocked her up. That’s why he came all the way from Seattle.”  “Well now we know why she’s always on his service…!” “Like it’s not enough to have a famous mother, you gotta sleep with the famous neurosurgeon and get preggers with him…” “I’d sleep with him with or without the work benefits, that guy’s hot as heck.”

     Meredith froze. It felt like she was thrown right back in time. Back to being an intern. Back to Addison showing up in Seattle. Back to being the slutty intern who slept with the married hotshot neurosurgeon. Times change but nothing really changes. Different city, yet everything was the same. And just like that once again she was the slutty resident who slept with her boss and got knocked up. When she thought she would avoid this, how stupid and naïve could she be to think she would ever avoid this? From the moment Derek had decided to come work here, she knew this would happen. In fact, from the moment he had set foot in that hospital, she had felt it coming. That promise to the Chief about keeping things professional was fine but it was stupid and naïve to think they would keep the truth of their lives outside of these walls. 

     She was not hungry anymore. She quietly backed up from the line and hoped to leave unnoticed, but she saw one of them knocking the other by the shoulder to get them to stop talking, and then saw them looking her way with a mix of apologetic yet unapologetic looks, tinted with jealousy and disdain. She turned away and left the place quickly, and without realizing Julie was standing at the exit doors of the cafeteria, looking at the whole scene from a distance, knowing this was all her doing. And she felt terrible, but also she could not help but be glad that the truth was finally out, a little hurt that Meredith had not confided in her before the previous day when she ordered her to get Derek, which even then had not been an actually confession. Julie was a bit bitter when it came to being kept out of a secret, or not being told the truth to. But that was Meredith’s private life and she had a right to keep things to herself. And so as she looked up to the figure standing by the doors and recognized Julie, as their gaze locked, right away, she knew. The thought of Derek slipping something had come to mind, but it felt unlikely. Although it could have happened. But looking at Julie, now it was clear. 

     She slowed on her way and saw Julie taking a step forward, and trying to open her mouth to say something but nothing coming out, Meredith knew. She gulped thickly and gave her a dark stare before going on her way out, going around her. Julie reached up and began to try and intercept her, saying, “Meredith-” but Meredith snapped, “Don’t.” And she walked right past her and out of the cafeteria, off to anywhere, any place she could just hide off to, away from everybody else. The truth was, if she could go away and start over like she had when leaving Seattle, right in this moment, she would. But she was exhausted, and heavily pregnant, and could be giving birth any time soon - she was also homeless and terrified and exhausted and she just had enough of everything. Of life, everything. 

    SO MUCH WAS HAPPENING in Derek’s mind at that moment. Meredith’s near labour. Julie making comments. Finn. His fear that he wouldn’t be a good father. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, focusing on breathing in...1....2....3 and out...1...2...3. He always felt that was bullshit, but recently it had helped him a lot. It had helped him feel grounded and like his heart wasn’t going to explode out of his chest. The palpitations he had begun to feel were fading and the noise in his head was becoming quieter. 

    Despite all of this, it still took him a further 30 minutes to leave his office. He headed down to the cafeteria. There was an unusual amount of chatter for this time in the afternoon and over it all he was beginning to pick up certain things. I can’t believe she can even walk around this place keeping that secret.  It’s so juicy though. How did she expect us to react?  He is a fine doctor, no wonder she got knocked up. When he looked at the room, most eyes were on him. He followed the noise of gossip to a small bundle of interns around a table. Julie was one of them and some of the interns who had heard him threaten any gossiping with a suspension. 

    Derek walked over to the table slowly. Those facing him had instantly stopped talking but the three interns who had their back to him were still talking animatedly. “She moved from Seattle to here without him. She hid from him!” Lacey, he remembered her name now. He stood behind her, his arms folded. The two beside her had stopped, noticing his presence. “I wouldn’t hide from him. I mean, she’s pretty and he’s well...hot.” She stopped talking and let out a little giggle. “That baby is going to have beauty and brains.”  “I’m glad you think so, Dr Collins.” He commented clearly. He saw Lacey stop, her shoulders turning stiff. He lifted his head a little as she turned to him. “Pop quiz.” He started and looked at the group. “What did Dr Shepherd say would happen if he caught anyone gossiping about Dr Grey?” He looked from one intern to the next. “Julie?” Her jaw was tight and her eyes were trained on the table. “Suspension, Dr Shepherd.” He nodded. “Correct. Dr Collins, gather your belongings. You’re suspended for a week.” The room was quiet now. He didn’t care. If he didn’t follow through he would look like an idiot. Plus, Dr Collins deserved it. 

    Once he was sure Lacey had got the message, Derek left the cafeteria without getting himself any food. It was a bad choice really, but he didn’t care. He needed to just leave. So he headed up to his patient’s room and checked in before heading to the OR. He was joined shortly after by Julie. They scrubbed in silence before he headed into the main OR and began to gown up. 

    The surgery was easy but not quick. It took some time and he was soon exhausted and hungry. His medication had worked and yet he still felt a buzz of anxiety. He just needed time to hide. He knew if he went to his office he would be bothered, so he went to an on-call room that he knew barely anyone went to. Once inside he laid down on the bed, the heel of his hands digging into his eyes. He just needed to relax. He needed to try take some of this tension out of his body but he couldn’t. He could almost feel it coming back up as emotions, sadness, tears. They pricked the corner of his eyes and yet he refused to let them fall. 

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     EVEN ADMIST THE CHAOS, IN THE most troubling times, Derek still managed to pull a smile from Meredith, and she still could not explain how he managed to, he just did. He always found the words to say that just… made it ok, somehow. That made her feel like it would be ok. And though she had told him to go, the truth was she was relieved he insisted on staying with her until she was discharged. His presence made her feel safe and she needed a little bit more of that. She always needed a little bit more of that. Growing up had not been the most reassuring and she had been her own anchoring all her life, but in the face of becoming a parent and in this little scare they had just had, her own did not cut it for her anymore. She needed more. She needed something… somehow, to lean on and feel like it would be ok somehow.

     When Derek’s pager went off, Meredith looked over to him and watched as he called in to see what it was about, half hoping he would be able to pass it on to someone else but deep down knowing he would have to go. As she heard him sucking in a breath, she felt her stomach flip. But instantly, she put on a face and gave him a reassuring nod. “I’m fine here, you go,” she told him calmly, while her head nodded still. As he pleaded her to text him when she would get home safe, she gulped thickly and kept on her straight face, even though she felt like she would have to lie to him and she hated it. She felt his lips pressing against her forehead and felt her stomach flip. “Of course,” she spoke softly, small and simple, and then forced up a reassuring smile as he pulled back and looked down at her. She looked down at her belly as he ordered her to stay off her feet for the rest of the day; she sure would not go and run around, that was for sure. “I will,” she answered softly, then looked up and watched as he headed for the door. Their gaze met one last time before he passed the door and she felt her stomach in knots; if she had not listened to her brain, she would have asked him to let her crash at his place overnight. But she could not. She had to figure this out; alone. 

     Soon enough, a nurse came to discharge her and give her a follow-up appointment with OB the following day for an echo. She changed back into her clothes and headed out to an on-call room. She was determined to keep her feet up for the rest of the day, and truthfully, she was too wrecked to even think about walking anywhere. She was even more anticipating the official delivery now that she had had a taste of what it would feel like. She hid in the closest on-call room, which was not her usual but was just fine by her because the last thing she wanted was for anybody she knew to come knocking at the door to see her talk to her. She locked the door and slowly laid herself down, wincing a little at how sore her body felt as she laid it down. She grabbed her phone to check what time it was right as a text from Julie came through, saying “Hey, how are you feeling? Want me to bring dinner over?” The last thing she wanted was to face up to Julie and her million questions, no matter how kind it was of her to offer to bring her dinner and show up, she just needed to be alone. And so she texted her back saying, “Got discharged, going to be resting all night. Have to pass but thank you. See you tomorrow.” It did not take even two minutes for Julie to text her back saying “You should take off tomorrow and rest, I can cover for you. I’ll swing by to see you tomorrow then. You rest - xo”

     But anybody who knew Meredith knew she would not take the next day off. She could not be laying all day, waiting for time to pass. The rest of the evening and the night she would take to rest, but she would be back on her feet the next day. If they had not wanted her to be, they would have given her a leave for a few days or so. She would be back to work the next day. She knew she had to answer Julie or she would keep texting, and so she responded with a final reply, saying “Have an echo tomorrow, let’s grab lunch? Off to rest now, talk later.” And before she put her phone away, she did as promised and sent a quick text to Derek to let him know she was fine, so he would not worry. Except she could not help but feel like a monster, lying to him. But she had not figured her stuff out yet and so keeping it neutral for the moment was the best option. “Safely discharged and laid down, keeping my feet up for the rest of the day.” She paused before sending the message and stayed with her phone in hands, thinking back to when she had asked the staff to get him paged, and then him rushing to her bedside and staying by her side until things calmed down… then sitting beside her, talking to the baby, holding her hand; just being there. She gulped thickly past the lump in her throat after her gaze had drifted to her belly for a moment and looked up to her phone again to complete. “Thank you for being there today.” She hit send and gulped thickly before putting her phone away. Rolling onto her back, she looked down at her belly and brought her hands over to it, on both sides, and stared at it for a moment. And as she grew thoughtful for a second, the corner of her mouth curved up. “That was quite a scare… but you’re ok. We’re going to be ok.” She gulped thickly, feeling the lump in her throat growing. “Let’s rest now, ok?” She paused and gulped, and as she grew thoughtful again, she felt the corner of her mouth curving up some more before she said, “You know, you pretty much hit the daddy jackpot there… he already loves you so much.” She gulped. “I can’t wait for you to meet him.” And with that, her eyes slowly shut and she fell asleep. It had been about 4PM and when she woke up, her phone read 6AM. 

     The good thing about being a surgeon was that she did not have to come up with lies about why she was wearing the same clothes as the previous day - she put on clean scrubs and nobody would know she had stayed the night in an on-call room because she no longer had a home to go to. That was not true, she knew she could have gone to Finn’s house and he would have welcomed her with open arms. But she could not picture herself staying there and rubbing all of it in his face any longer than she had. She had hurt him enough already. She got clean scrubs and changed into those, then headed out to work as though everything was just simple and normal, like nothing happened. Thankfully, nobody had arrived yet and so she got familiar with the presenting cases of the morning, mostly since she had missed out on the rest of her previous shift and she did not want to be falling behind the group. 

     She was focused into a case when a familiar voice came to her ears and had her looking up, seeing Derek approaching with two cups in hands, guessing one of them was for her. At first she felt uneasy, as though liar was written all over her face. But she settled in quickly enough and nodded her head in response. “I’m fine,” she said, “I slept. A lot.” She knew this would make him feel better, and truthfully she felt much better. Still a bit sore but a lot better for sure. As Derek spoke, she could feel her eyebrow raising up, but then also the corner of her mouth curving up, mostly at that last part. She was glad - and maybe even surprised, that he did not push her to rest more than that. She was grateful that he respected her pace, actually. She appreciated that, a lot. “The bags under your eyes aren’t as bad as they were, I take it you rested some, too?” She asked, eyebrow raised up before she eyed the cup he had in hand. “Is that for me?” She asked, smelling the coffee. She could also smell tea and she knew all too well which one was for her, still.

    DEREK WATCHED MEREDITH’S GAZE move to the coffee cups and saw her zeroing in on the coffee. He knew she could tell which one was coffee, even with the tea bag facing him. He chuckled and held out the cup with tea in it. “Nice try.” He commented and placed the cup in front of her. “She’s already rowdy, we don’t need caffeine in her system too.” He took a small sip of his coffee before lowering it to the counter also. “I wouldn’t normally drink it in front of you, but I couldn’t resist it this morning.” He pasted an apologetic look on his face. 

    “As for your previous question; yes, I got some sleep. I’m still tired, but I got enough to keep me going.” He had ignored the comment about the bags under his eyes. “I have a light day today so I’ll be around if you need me. I think you’re on Davis’ service...boring work if you ask me but it might be good for you.” Davis was old. He was a great General Surgeon, but his case load wasn’t as heavy as it had been a few years ago. Had Derek made sure to slip Meredith on there without anyone noticing? Yes. But he hoped she didn’t pick up on that. She hadn’t been on Davis’ service in a few weeks so it looked natural. 

    “I’ve got some things I need to do on my lunch, but maybe we can meet for dinner? We can go somewhere if you want?” He suggested. He hadn’t taken another sip of his coffee in a while and whilst his mind craved it, he restrained himself from doing so in front of Meredith. He waited for her answer and once it was confirmed he left her alone, a squeeze of her shoulder as reassurance and then headed to the neuro ward. 

    He hadn’t really thought the rotation over properly. If he had kept Meredith on his service he would have been fine. But now he was stuck with Julie and she was giving him those eyes that he could only interpret as lust. It made him downright uncomfortable but he couldn’t think of any way to boot her off his service. Not an actual reason anyway. With a sigh, Derek started rounding on his patients, Julie eagerly telling him everything he needed to know. He sucked in a breath and tried to hide his annoyance. He had too much on his mind to deal with Julie. 

    “So we’re going to operate?” She asked eagerly as they left the patient’s room. Derek nodded and took the man’s chart from her. “It’s only a simple craniotomy, nothing too advanced.” He explained. Nothing to get excited about. He knew that if it was Meredith, she wouldn’t be overly excited. She would understand it was a procedure he did on the regular. “It’s still the OR. And the OR with you. You’re one of the greats. You’re wanted all over the country. But now I know why you came here.” Derek stopped in his tracks and turned to face Julie. Was this his excuse to get her off his service. “Excuse me?” He asked, his voice barely hiding his surprise.  “Well, you were at Seattle Grace, working with Dr Webber, your old mentor. That made sense. But you could have gone anywhere after that. But you came here. You followed Meredith because she’s pregnant with your child.” Derek was struggling to reel in his emotions. People were stood around trying not to listen to the conversation but it was loud enough that they were all eavesdropping. 

    “I don’t think this is a conversation you should be having with your boss, Dr. Green. Do you?” She paused and the look of shock on her face showed she hadn’t realised how far she had gone. “I...I’m sorry, Dr Shepherd. I just...I had always wondered.”  “It’s not really anything for you to wonder about, Dr Green.” He looked up at the people watching them, no one even trying to pretend they weren’t listening anymore. He folded his arms over his chest. “So the secret is out.” He commented bluntly. “I am the father of Dr Grey’s baby. Whilst it’s no one’s business, Dr Green has clearly made it a topic of conversation. It does not need to be discussed. If I so much as here a rumour or a piece of gossip about Dr Grey, I will personally make sure that person is suspended for a week. Understood?” There was a grumble of agreement before the crowd began to scatter. He turned his attention back to Julie. “As for you, Dr Green. You’re lucky I am keeping you on my service. I do not want to hear a word about it, but I will say this. I thought Meredith was lucky to have made friends in Boston but clearly I was wrong. That woman works impeccably hard and has down whilst being heavily pregnant. She hasn’t been given special treatment. She deserves a better friend than you.”      With that, Derek turned on his heel and headed towards his next patient. He could hear Julie following him, unaware of the bright blush of embarrassment on her cheeks. All he could think about was Cristina and how she should be here being Meredith’s person. Meredith should have her real friends and yet he had taken that away from her. He felt selfish and angry at himself. His stomach swam and made him nauseous. He could feel that rise of panic that he hadn’t felt in weeks. He stopped in the door way. “Do pre-op checks on Mr Clarkson and Mrs Hunter. I will meet you in the OR in an hour.” He commented bluntly and then took himself to the nearest on-call room. He lowered himself to the bed and ran his hands through his hair, lacing his fingers together behind his neck. 

    He had done this to Meredith. He had isolated her completely. He had pushed her away from her friends when she needed them the most. Cristina, Izzie, George, even Alex. They would all have supported her through the pregnancy, even knowing that he was the father. There would have been gossip but Cristina would have made sure to nip it in the bud straight away. She would have had an army to back her up and a village to support her and her child. Their child. But he had pulled that away from her. He could feel the panic taking over him but knew his meds were in his office. Swallowing thickly, Derek pushed himself to his feet and unsteadily made his way to his office. By the time he made it there was a sheen of sweat over his body and he felt like he was about the crawl out of his skin. He quickly tapped one of his emergency medication into his hand and threw it back with some water from the bottle on his desk. He slowly sunk into his chair, his head in his hands as he rested his elbows on his desk. 

    He had done this to her. 

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     THERE WAS THAT UNDENIABLE FEELING every time they touched; be it the brush of a finger, a hand on her back, a squeeze on her arm, it just sent chills up her spine every single time. That moment was no exception. She laid there with her thumb stroking his hand and even though she was the one brushing a finger over, she just felt that feeling building up inside, that rush up her spine, the chills. It remained at that because she kept it at that - because it had to stay at that. No matter that feeling she had felt when he had left back for Seattle, before coming back for good, no matter the look in his eyes when he looked at her, or the unspoken words between them, no matter the back story, she was all too aware of it all but it remained at just that because it had to. Because things had been ruined once and she would not jeopardize the climat they were setting into place for when the baby would arrive, and even further for her growing up. She deserved to be the priority, and she knew Derek and her both agreed on that, which she was very grateful for. 

     But obviously to be finding herself in this small bubble with him alone like this, holding hands like this, she could not help but to be hit by a ton of flashback memories, a lot of which made her heart beat faster just thinking about. Of course when she closed her eyes, she still saw it all; those moments shared back at her mother’s house, hiding out from George and Izzie in her bedroom, the on-call room sneak-ins, his arms wrapped around her, holding her tight to his chest, his breath against the back of her neck, his lips softly pressing against that soft spot behind her ear… it all came right back to mind and messed her whole head up, and then she tried to block it all out to keep functioning, just like she had been doing these past few months.

     As Derek opened his eyes, Meredith snapped out of her thoughts and watched as he stared back at their joined hands, and so did she, looking down at them all intertwined. She then looked up at his face and noticed how he eyed up the pole beside her before his hand slipped from hers and he got up to fix it. She gulped and closed her eyes, fighting back a smile; he could not help himself but to do something, and she could not help but find it sweet that he was being so caring. Not that it was unlike him or that she was surprised, but it was also weird to receive… after everything from the past few months… after everything that had leaving Seattle in the first place. Point was she was grateful he cared and helped to make her as comfortable as possible, but it was also maybe… uncomfortable, in a way. 

     As she felt his hand gently brushing over her hair, pushing it away from her face so softly, Meredith somehow held her breath. She could almost feel him close by and she swore that if she opened her eyes, she could see his face hanging over hers, and she could almost feel his breath on her face… on her lips. She gulped and then she felt him pulling away, and then heard him sitting down. Eventually she felt a small nudge after hearing him pouring a glass of water, and so as he whispered at her, as she felt his soft touch brushing against her cheek, Meredith slowly opened her eyes again, and as they found his, she felt her stomach flip. He was so handsome. 

     Gulping to his question, Meredith lightly nodded her head. She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, trying to activate her saliva. Her mouth felt so dry, she almost felt like her lips would tear at that point. With Derek’s help, she sat up in bed and leant back against the pillows he fixed for her to be comfortable, and she reached out for the water he gave her, taking a few sips. Eyeing him as she swallowed her last sip, she tried to ponder on his question. If she compared to the pain she had felt earlier, she was doing more than great. But she also felt like she had been ran over. Something in-between that would be about right. But she wanted him not to worry because he really did not have to, so she said, “I’m fine,” and she nodded. “A little sore, but I’m okay,” she added, passing back the glass of water to him. She was really exhausted, that was for sure. 

     Taking a better look at him, it hit her how red his eyes were and how exhausted he looked. And so as she stared back at him, Meredith reached out her hand again and put it on top of his, patting it gently as she said, “You should go home and rest, I’ll be fine here, you on the other hand really need some sleep…” she muttered softly, pointing at the bags under his eyes. “You know we can’t start collecting bags under our eyes quite yet, she isn’t born yet, we have to prepare…” she muttered, before the corner of her mouth curved up. She was trying to light up the mood, but really she was trying really hard not to think about Finn and to also convince herself that everything would be ok. 

    DEREK FROWNED AT MEREDITH’S words and then a sly smile came over his face. “What are you saying? I look as handsome as ever, thank you very much.” He teased and patted her hand a little with his other. “I’m fine. I’ll wait until you’re discharged.” He told her sternly but with a gentle touch. 

    However it wasn’t long before his pager was going off. He quickly called the number and found out he was being pulled into an emergency craniotomy. He sucked in a breath and then hung up. “I’m sorry, I’ve been called to the OR. Your IV is finished so I’ll get the nurse to come and discharge you. Please...text me when you get home safe, okay?” He asked and leant forwards and kissed her head. “Stay off your feet for the rest of the day.” He instructed and stood up. He glanced at her one last time before he headed to the OR. 

    Derek was in surgery for four hours in the end. He checked his phone for messages and was grateful to see one from Meredith. He let out a sigh of relief and texted her back to say he was heading home and then did just that. 

    He almost collapsed into bed. He had to avoid it at all costs and instead forced himself into the shower before he finally let himself crawl under the covers. Nothing could have kept him awake at that point. It wasn’t until his alarm woke him the next morning that he opened his eyes. He groaned at it and turned it off before checking his phone again. Nothing. He couldn’t decide if that was good or bad news, but he took it as good. At least she wasn’t calling him to say she was back in the hospital. He knew she was due on shift that day and Meredith being Meredith, she was likely to turn up whether he told her to rest or not. So he got himself ready and grabbed a coffee for himself and a herbal tea for Meredith before tracking her down. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked as he finally found her. “You should really be on bed rest...but who am I to talk?” He asked, a smirk on his face. 

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     THE SILENCE IN THE ROOM that followed Finn’s departure left Meredith with a twisted stomach, and it had nothing to do with the contractions that had then ceased. And though she could feel her body coming down from the high of the on and off pain that had now stopped, she could not put her mind to rest. All she could think about was the fact that everything had once again fell out of her control; Finn had just broken things off with her. The guy who had given her something to hold onto when she had nothing, who had given her a place to crash when she had nowhere to go home to, who had given her someone to lean onto when she had literally nobody, the one who had helped her make it this far - he had just left. Well, she knew he would still be around if she needed it, and he had offered her his place to crash still while she figured things out, but she knew better. She knew better than to crash at his place after having seen the hurt in his eyes. She knew better than to impose herself to him after leaving him out of a moment he should have been around for, or at least that she should have wanted him around for. But no, she had been too busy focusing on Derek and wanting Derek around. She knew better than to be imposing Derek on him any more than she already had. Finn deserved better than he had gotten lately. Much better. 

     Derek. It was always Derek. And yet somehow while it was always Derek, it was always messy and complicated. Because of the baggage. Because of Addison. Because of her own dark and twisty past. Because of her abandonment issues and her daddy issues and her mommy issues and her many other issues. Maybe that was why she was laying in that bed not panicking over Finn walking out. Because she was used to people walking out, people had walked out on her her whole life. It was nothing new. What made her stomach feel so twisted and what sent chills up her spine was the idea of being left alone to do this; motherhood. She knew she was not entirely alone, she knew Derek would be around and involved, he had moved all the way from Seattle to be so. But she did not have a partner to do this with. She would be doing this as a single parent, she would be doing this alone. She was alone. Again. And it was fine. But it was scary to another level now. 

     Meredith spent the next hour and a half just laying there, staring at the wall before her, trying to think of what she should do. She would obviously move out, she could not stay there. Out of respect for Finn, even though he would insist, she had to move out. She would tell him she found a place to crash, although thinking about it she feared he would think she had moved in with Derek already, or even worse he would go thinking they had been seeing one another behind his back and that was not it at all. She would just tell him she had found an apartment. That Julie and Derek helped her getting settled. She hated lying, especially after all he had done for her. Maybe she would just tell him Julie gave her a room to crash while she figured things out. Yea, maybe she would do that. Give herself some time to figure it out. Heck, she might as well actually ask Julie if she could crash at her place for a few nights so she could figure things out. That would not be such a bad idea, and Julie would be around. 

     Oh but the truth was, she did not want to live with anyone. And even less so Julie. She was too hovering, and Meredith needed her space. For sure she would not bring up the idea to Julie, she knew herself well enough to know this would not go well, she would not enjoy it, and she did not want to ruin the only friendship she had consolidated these past few months. She would figure things out on her own. She was used to it. For now, she had to move out of Finn’s place, give him the space to deal with his things, and give herself some room and space to figure out her next move. She knew she had to get settled before the baby came, which could be anytime now. She would figure it out. She had to, there was no other way. 

     The thing was, she had to because she also could not tell Derek about all of this. She could not say anything, she could not tell him the truth about Finn. Because if she told him Finn had broken things off with her, he would react. She could not tell him that she had to find a place to crash even though Finn had offered her to stay over until she figured things out because first he would be angry with him for doing this to Meredith while she found herself having just undergone a pregnancy scare, but also Derek would not want her to move somewhere else, hell he would probably offer her to come and live with him, which was not happening. They had just started being able to communicate well, with no emotional baggage getting in the way, she did not want to ruin that. For their daughter’s sake, they had to preserve that. 

     Somewhere in the midst of her spinning thoughts, and surely with the help of the medication and the downfall of the adrenaline, the exhaustion won Meredith over as she slipped into a recuperating state. For a moment, she was not thinking about any of this. She was not thinking about anything, she was just resting, and it was peaceful. Some in-between state, conscious of her environment but also disconnected enough to actually put her mind to rest for a moment. Noises could reach her ears but her mind was off enough to ignore them, until a familiar voice spoke. Being in some in-between state had her wondering if she was dreaming, but part of her knew this was happening in the real world. She felt so peaceful in the state she was in that she kept her eyes shut and remained in this in-between place, all the while paying attention to the words spoken close to her. Not to her. Quickly enough, Meredith realized the conversation was happening to her, but not to her. A hand resting on her stomach, soft words whispered to it; Derek was addressing the baby. As she laid there, a ball formed in her throat and a rush ran through her body. She could feel the tears welling up underneath her closed eyelids.

     You gave us a scare. Meredith felt her stomach in knots again. It felt like they were in some kind of bubble, apart from the rest of the world. Like they had been when Derek had walked in earlier. He did that to her. Stopped time, froze everything, made a bubble. To hear him put the sentence to us made her connect with his own fear, his own vulnerability. And those were the moments where she could not help but feel this uncontrollable attraction to him. When he was so simple and vulnerable, it just made her heart melt. The way he spoke the word sweetie made her heart melt all over again; the idea of hearing him calling their daughter that way just made her heart burst. The soft brush of his thumb on her stomach sent chills up her spine. She gulped. She almost felt bad for eavesdropping on this moment, knowing Derek had to think she was sleeping. She felt a need to wake up, out of respect for him, but then he said the word mommy and she stopped on her way to open her eyes, remaining still, frozen; listening. Your mommy, she’s perfect. Her stomach flipped all over again, she could almost feel herself blushing. As he spoke of fear, Meredith felt it. She was so scared. It was a mixture of fear, and yet of faith; and she owed that to Finn – he had made her believe that she could do it. And Derek, too. Derek had also made her believe that she could do it. Never had he second-guessed her decision to keep the baby, or voiced any fears as to her being able to do this. And there he was, even telling the baby that she could. 

     I can’t wait to hold you. The words stopped everything, as if the world stopped. They hung in the room and Meredith held onto them. The smile in his voice, she did not even have to see him smiling to know that he was. She knew his voice, through and through. She would recognize it anywhere. She could only picture Derek holding their daughter and her heart melted all over again. She had secretly dreamed of it back when he did not know, back when he had no idea he was going to be a father. She had imagined him holding that child, and it was the fondest image she would forever hold onto, especially back then when she thought it would never happen, that she would never get to see it. That had been selfish, now looking back she hated that she had kept this baby a secret from him for so long. But she also knew that she had just been trying to find her way again. To breathe again. To be again. She had to sort of find her own before facing it all… facing him. She was not sure that she really had found herself at last, but she knew one thing and that was that she was glad he was around for this. For her – for their daughter.

     We have to find a name for you first. Name. She felt so lost just thinking about finding a name. It felt like such a heavy decision. I hope you have your mommy’s nose though. Her freckles too. She pressed her lips together, the corner of her mouth slightly curving up without her realizing so. Then she felt Derek’s hand slowly brushing down her stomach, down to rest upon her own hand, wrapping around it. She felt the chills up her spine once again. She laid there for a moment, just taking this moment in. This moment was soft, kind, like a warm blanket she had needed. After a while, she gulped and slowly opened her eyes. Derek slowly came into sight, sitting there beside her, his eyes closed. She gulped and the corner of her mouth slightly curved up again. He seemed peaceful. He was handsome. And his presence was reassuring. She looked down at his hand covering hers, and softly, she pulled her thumb from underneath and and gently brushed it over his finger. She was grateful for his presence. She was glad he was around after all.

    SO MUCH HAD BUILT up to this moment. Sure, their daughter wasn’t being born just yet, but all the excitement made Derek reflect on what they had gone through. So much had happened and he couldn’t wrap his head around it fully but he had driven miles to be next to Meredith so when things like this happened, he was there. Of course, during the move, he knew she had Finn, but he felt he needed to be there too. He had an obligation to be there too and he couldn’t risk having to be an entire plane journey away from her. His only option was to move. And since then, his anxiety had lessened. It was like being close to Meredith soothed every ache in his body. He felt like he could breathe again. He couldn’t help but think about something he had said to her when Addison first turned up ‘you were like coming up for fresh air’. The same applied here. Without her in close proximity, he felt like he was drowning again. 

    As Meredith moved her thumb and began to stroke his finger, he remained still. He was being selfish but he wanted to relish in the feeling of her hand over his. He wanted to feel the way she was comforting him without probably realising it. It reminded him of the times she used to stroke his hand as he spooned her in bed, his arm around her and his hand resting over her heart. Just that simple touch would usually get him to sleep. All his worries would disappear and he would just be calm. He was centered. 

    Some time passed before his thoughts began to spark to life again, Meredith having rendered them silent. He opened his eyes and looked down at their joined hands. The IV bag was completely empty now but no one had been in to check. He wasn’t sure if Meredith was sleeping or just resting her eyes, but he gently removed his hand and stood up. Reaching for some gloves he pulled them on and then moved to the other side of the bed and pulled the tube out of her IV. He removed the gloves and returned to his chair beside the bed. He wanted to remove the catheter in her arm but if they needed to administer anything else they would only have to do a new one. At least now she could move freely. He leant forwards and ran his hand over her hair, pushing it out of her face gently. 

    The urge to lean down and kiss her forehead was so great, but he refrained himself. Instead he sat back a little and poured some water into a cup for Meredith and then gently nudged her. “Hey...” He whispered and reached out to stroke her cheek on instinct. “Can you drink some water for me?” He knew the pain medication they had given her would give her a dry mouth. He helped her sit up and then held out the water for her. “How are you feeling?” He asked gently, a soft smile on his face. His eyes were bloodshot but he didn’t care how much they stung. He wasn’t going to leave Meredith’s side until he knew she was okay. He wasn’t aware of anything that had happened between herself and Finn, but he expected the other male to turn up sometime soon. 

mctwcsty​:

     FROM THAT MOMENT ON, MEREDITH surrendered and let Derek take over, just focusing on her breathing, trying to remain calm. She was 34 weeks along, if she was in labor, they had to be able to do something. The baby could survive at 34 weeks, they could save it if this was it. She just had to believe things could be under control. She was in a hospital surrounded by good doctors, they could fix this. She had to believe they could fix this. She felt very relieved that Derek was there. He entered a room and she instantly felt safe. Like he would fix this somehow. 

     Through the chaos that her mind and the room had become, Meredith still managed to listen as the doctor at the end of the bed spoke up and mentioned about Braxton Hicks. Those felt very much real, she would have thrown her hand in the fire and claimed those were real contractions, but her OB had told her that Braxton Hicks could feel as real as real ones would. And she had told her to slow down, which Meredith had not done. She had warned her about them if she did not slow down but she had not listened, so here she was. 

     As the doctor mentioned of pain meds, Meredith felt relieved. If this was not it, if those were not actual contractions, she just wanted them to stop. They were too painful and she needed them to stop. She did not even sigh when she heard them say she would have to stay under supervision for a few hours, she just wanted the pain to stop. She felt Derek’s hand tightening around hers and she shut her eyes to breathe, pursing her lips as she breathed in and out, trying to ease the pain somehow with her breathing. His words echoed in her ears as he repeated what he had said before and she just let it sink in, feeling relieved to hear them yet again. I’m not going anywhere. 

     From there on out, everything sort of went by quickly. They hooked her up to an IV and gave her the medication that stopped the contractions. Derek stayed by her side the whole time and Meredith just breathed through the entire process, feeling confident enough. The initial panic had worn off when Derek had entered the room and reassured her with his words and presence, now she had this feeling it would all be fine. Derek’s hand in hers, his soft words of encouragement whispered to her as she finally settled as the medication started kicking in, the rush she felt every time she heard him say her name… Mer… It nearly made her blush, in fact it would if she was not so focused on the situation and on the pain lessening. It ceased her though when she heard him saying I’m so proud of you. It left her speechless as she laid there beside him, her eyes opening to find his to see him leaning in to kiss the back of her hand, her gaze finding his as he looked back at her, just simply staring back at one another, but feeling so much past a simple stare. In the silence of the room, not even the sounds of the machinery around her seeming to reach their ears. Just staring into those deep blue ocean eyes of his that made her stomach flip, that way he had to look at her that just made her melt inside completely… his fingers reaching up to brush the hair from her face so softly, so kindly… so lovingly. 

     Slowly the meds started working their magic and Meredith sort of on and off fell asleep, Derek rubbing her back a few times to sort of ease her some more which always helped her fall back asleep for a little while longer. She had no idea how long it had been since the contractions had eased out, she felt rather sore still though but she knew it was normal. She was so exhausted, almost felt like she had been ran over. A sound at the door caught her attention and though she was slow to open her eyes, she forced herself to and as she did, they quickly opened all the way. Finn. He was standing at the door, and suddenly, she felt horrible. She had not even thought about him. About calling him. How had he known? Had he tried to call her and she hadn’t answered? Or was it the time he was supposed to come and pick her up? She felt her stomach in knots as her hand slightly slipped from Derek’s grip without leaving it completely, a feeling of guilt instantly weaving its way into her and slightly paralyzing her. 

     Julie called me. Meredith felt her stomach flip. She felt awful that Julie had and not her, but she knew Finn had to feel even worse about it. Hurt. Pain. All the above? Meredith felt horrible. She gulped thickly as she reached into the mattress to push herself up some. “I’m ok,” she denied with a slight shake of head, wanting to reassure him right away. The soreness made moving an inch feel rather uncomfortable, but she felt like she had to prove Finn she was okay. “I had Braxton Hicks, they’re fake contractions,” she muttered with a slight shrug. She felt so bad for not calling him, she felt a need to prove that she was fine, that he had not missed anything, that she was fine… but really anything she said or did only felt like she made it worse. Because she put herself in his shoes, and she would feel horrible. Like she would have missed out. Or been left out. Her stomach was in knots staring at him, so much that she struggled to look him in the eyes, looking everywhere around his face instead. “They gave me medication, they’ve stopped now,” she nodded as she leant back against the pillow, her gaze eventually finding his. She gulped thickly. 

    Derek spoke up and she gulped thickly. She felt her heart drop as felt his hand slipping from hers, she felt stuck in the in-between and she hated the feeling, on both sides. She did not want him to leave more than she could bare the hurt she could read on Finn’s face because of her. Derek headed to the door and only as he stood there did her gaze drift over to his, and she gulped thickly before slightly nodding her head in response, watching as he left the room. Her stomach flipped all over again, her gaze drifting slowly back over to Finn. The door shutting, she was left completely alone with him, and the silence surrounding them was absolutely heavy and suffocating. It felt like there was so much she should have to say, but she found herself not knowing what to say. He was standing there before her, his gaze locked on what she could tell being her belly, and she could tell he was not looking at it intently; he was looking at anything but her face. And it was only then that she was able to look at him, because when his gaze so much as nearly looked up at hers, she found herself looking down at his lips, or his nose. The both of them were unable to look back at one another, and just as unable to say anything. And right in that moment, Meredith knew. From the changed look in Finn’s eyes to the awkward silence; an invisible permanent line had been drawn, one neither of them would ever be able to cross to meet the other.

    Hands sliding into his front pockets, Finn stepped forward, head low, as though staring at his dragging feet. He stopped at a distance, on the other side of that invisible line, his head eventually moving up, and his gaze finally landing onto hers. She felt the rush up her spine, and her stomach all torn up inside. “I can’t compete,” the words slipped out of his mouth through a breath he seemed to let out after having held it in for far too long. Meredith felt the weight in her stomach growing, she gulped thickly, a small frown drawing up on her face, her eyes locked with his. Finn’s head bent forward and he sighed, then shrugged. “I’ve tried,” he sighed, and she heard the distress in his voice and she physically hurt. She knew the past couple of weeks had been so very hard for him. They had been for her, too, but she knew what feeling like the other person felt like. She knew exactly what it was like, and she had ran away for that very reason. The idea of having put someone else through that, someone who had taken such care of her and pulled her out of a very dark place, she felt like the worst monster ever.

    “Finn…” she muttered, a lame attempt at saying something but what? What was there for her to say? Sorry? How lame that was to even think of, like sorry would mean anything? Had it meant anything when Derek had said it? Or had it made it worse? Surely the latter. Sorries did not mean anything when your heart got stomped all over. When you gave it your all, gave it all you had and left your heart on the table, and the other person just does not show up and take care of it the way they should. Finn was the reason why she was where she was; why she was expecting a baby, why Derek was back in her life, why she had kept pushing through her residency while growing the said baby –– he had given her a home when she had none, a safe place to crash, to find herself again. He had given her everything when she had nothing, and yet he was not the person she had gone to – Derek was.

     “He’s the one, Meredith,” he muttered along with a shrug, his hands still in his front pockets. And the way he said it while looking into her eyes froze her into place, and she could not move or say anything. She could not do either because she knew he was right, they both did. She swallowed thickly through a tight throat, and Finn nodded his head slowly. “No matter how much I’ve tried to convince myself that it could be me… I’ve come to realize that it can’t,” he shrugged. “And not just because of Derek, I-” he began but stopped himself, and the frown on Meredith’s face reappeared as she stared up at him, for the first time since he had walked into the room left confused, not knowing where he was going, what he was going to say. Not just because of Derek, then what was it? He pointed at the bed and muttered, “May I…?” Meredith froze at first, but then realized he was asking for a seat at her bed, and so she nodded and moved a little so to make room for him. “Thanks,” he muttered before walking up to the bed and sitting by her feet, folding up a leg so he could face her. His gaze remained low for a moment and she looked all over his face, trying to understand what was going on really. Everything just felt so strange at the moment. 

     “Remember when we were sitting in that waiting room, and I was telling you about my wife…” he muttered, and Meredith gulped thickly. It felt like such a throwback while at the same time like it was yesterday. She gulped again and nodded her head. “I do,” she muttered back, and Finn’s face lit up a bit as he nodded back, his gaze lost somewhere, she was not quite sure to what… or where. “It’s funny… the whole time I was sitting there, it felt like I could feel her…” he muttered softly, at first his lips then curving up, and then a chuckle escaped his lips as he shrugged. “Like she had sent me to that room that day… and then there was you.” His gaze finally came back to the present moment, and then found hers. She gulped thickly. A short silence settled, Meredith just sat there, and so did he, staring back at her staring back at him. “Something about you reminded me of her somehow… I think it was your nerves… My wife was so nervous at every single appointment, sitting in that room was torture for her, and I seemed to be the only person that managed to calm her down. That’s why she brought me to all of her appointments, or she never would have made it into the room at all…!” He chuckled. Somehow Meredith’s face eased up a little, and though she was not smiling, her face lit up a little for she could see it. For she knew the feeling. “You are reassuring,” she muttered softly, Finn’s gaze snapping back to him and finding hers, as though he was surprised to hear her. “You’re calm, and it feels like you’ve got it all under control,” she muttered, pausing for a moment and gulped before completing, “It’s soothing.” 

     Finn smiled softly up at her and nodded his head slowly for a moment before looking down at his lap. “She would say that, too,” he muttered, and Meredith gulped. She could hear the emotion in his voice and it made her stomach flip. She hated seeing or hearing the pain he was feeling. Finn was such a great guy. He did not deserve this; any of this. “But see, I think that’s what’s drawn me to you in the first place… and that’s what I’ve held onto.” He paused, and Meredith frowned. “I’ve missed it, that feeling,” he spoke softly, and Meredith just stared on at him, giving him the space and time to open up. “Of making a difference, and being the caretaker,” he muttered. “I mean I take care of people on a daily basis… or well mostly animals but then that comes with owners who often times require more care than the animal does itself,” he shrugged, and Meredith could not help but smile. “You appeared in my life at a time where I felt completely lost and needed to feel needed and of help again, and that was what you were needing, and so I took it upon me to be that guy for you,” he spoke, and Meredith simply listened, already knowing where this was going. “But,” he said, and she gulped thickly, “I’m not the one that needs to be doing that for you.” Meredith felt her stomach tightening up in knots, and she swallowed thickly. 

     His gaze found hers again and his head tilted as he stared back at her, a small smile on his face and a sweet look in his eyes. “He’s the one, Meredith,” he muttered, and he allowed the silence to settle for a moment. “He’s always been the one,” he added softly, a small shrug soon following. His voice was soft, and so was his demeanor, which left Meredith feeling he was not angry with her, so much that he almost seemed at peace with it and it left her completely at a loss for words because she did not know what to make of it. “This baby is not my baby… and I’ve tried to convince myself that it did not matter to me, but the truth is it does, and that’s not on you it’s on me, and it’s not about Derek, or about you, or even about the baby, it’s…” his voice broke as he attempted to finish talking, and he allowed himself a moment, gulping, taking his time before completing, “It’s about my baby that I’ve lost, and about my wife that I’ve lost. It’s about the life I thought I would have by now, with the love of my life and our child all together, and I’ve…” He paused again, and though he did not need to say it, though both of them knew it without words needing not be spoken, somehow he needed to speak them out loud, “I’ve tried to convince myself this was it, but you and your baby are never going to replace my wife and our child…” He shook his head as he spoke, while Meredith gulped thickly and nodded, along with tears in her eyes. Finn’s eyes teared up as well, which made it even harder for Meredith to hold back her tears. One dropped that she wiped away quickly with the back of her hand. 

     A moment of silence took over the room, and soon enough Finn reached out to grab her hand gently and he squeezed it, and gave her a soft smile as their gaze locked again. “I would give anything just to get to hold my wife again, to tell her that I love her. To get to hold our child. I would give anything,” he shrugged, his head lightly shaking. Meredith gulped thickly. “You have that, Meredith. Please… don’t waste it. It’s a gift.” He stated. “Derek loves you, he would do anything for you, I can tell just by the way he looks at you. He moved all the way here to be there for you and your baby, that man would do anything, so let him.” He shrugged. “So he fucked up, now he’s mending things. You get to have one another. Don’t blow that chance. It’s a real gift. The best there could ever be.” 

     Meredith nodded her head as the tears welled up in her eyes again, though she held them back. Finn squeezed her hand kindly and gave her a soft smile. “Look… You can stay at my place for as long as you need, I really don’t mind. I meant it when I said I wanted you to have a safe space and I still do. You can stay, for as long as you need to.” He nodded. Meredith swallowed thickly past the lump in her throat. She could not quite understand what was going on, and at the same time she had felt it coming. Swallowing again, Meredith nodded her head. She was incapable of talking, or she would fall apart, but it seemed to be enough a response for Finn who leaned in and kissed her forehead softly. He then leaned back and nodded. “I’m going to let you rest now,” he muttered, and Meredith gulped thickly before nodding her head in response again. And to those words, Finn squeezed her hand one last time before getting up, and as she felt his hand slipping away, she felt a weight lifted off her chest while at the same time her heart breaking inside her chest. She watched as Finn headed out and closed the door after himself, and as she laid there all by herself, the tears started to stream down her face. Being dumped had never felt so liberating, while at the same time so heartbreaking and scary. He’s the one, Meredith. He’s always been the one. She laid her head back against the pillow and stared across the room, her stomach in knots still. She rested her hands over her belly and swallowed thickly. 

    DEREK SPENT A WHILE in the on-call room. He had moved from the edge of the bed to lying down, his fingers threaded together behind his head. His eyes had eventually closed despite the thoughts racing through his mind and he had fallen into a light slumber. It was the sound of the door opening that woke him. “Oh...I’m sorry Dr Shepherd. I thought this room was empty.” It was Julie again. He forced himself to sit up and plastered on a kind smile. “It’s fine. You can take it. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” He explained and stood himself up. “You need all the rest you can get at this stage.” He joked and headed out of the room. 

    When he looked at his watch he realised two hours had passed since he had seen Meredith. He cursed himself for letting the time slip by but Finn was with her, so she would be fine. But it was as if his feet had a mind of their own. One minute he was stood outside of the on-call room and the next he was walking to the room Meredith occupied. He paused by the door and glanced in the window. She was alone. He frowned and glanced over his shoulder at the nurse. “When did Finn leave?” He asked her quietly. She glanced up at the clock. “About an hour and a half ago.” Derek frowned and turned back to the room, watching Meredith. He had been with her for half an hour? After what she had been through he had just left? That can’t be right. 

    Derek brushed off the niggling feeling in his head and gently tapped on the door before stepping inside. He couldn’t tell if she was actually sleeping or just resting her eyes. Her IV was almost finished but he walked to the end of her bed and checked the notes on her file. It was the only one she was to be given, which meant she could go home soon. He lifted his head, his eyes landing on Meredith and watching the steady rise and fall of her chest. She looked peaceful. His eyes drifted down to her stomach and he couldn’t fight the smile on his face. 

    He walked over to the bed and settled in the chair, leaning forwards and gently resting his hand on her stomach. “You gave us a scare.” He whispered to Meredith’s stomach. “Maybe you’re eager to meet us, but it’s too soon, sweetie. You have to wait just a little while longer.” His thumb rubbed over her stomach. “Not long now though. Just a few weeks and then we get to meet you. You will be so loved. Your mommy, she’s perfect. She might seem a little scared to be a mom, but she loves you so much already.” He took a breathe and another smile came over his face. “I can’t wait to hold you. We have to find a name for you first. I’m sure it will come to us when we see you. I hope you have your mommy’s nose though. Her freckles too.” He leant back in the chair but his hand slowly reached out to cover Meredith’s. 

    He couldn’t help thinking about what they had been through. Everything had been so hard and it was still hard, but they would make it through it. They would be perfect parents to their perfect girl. Even if they had to do it separately. His eyes fell shut as he thought about these things. He felt at peace for the first time in a while. Sure Meredith was in hospital, but he felt closer to her than ever. 

mctwcsty​:

     FEAR. IT PARALYZED HER COMPLETELY as the staff rolled her off to an empty room and helped her out of the wheelchair and onto the bed. Of course something had to go wrong. Nothing could go right. She was cursed. Doomed. From the start. Her father had walked away, her mother had tried to kill herself, then moved her across the states. Then resented her, constantly picked fights with her, then while she was off in Europe, her mother started showing signs of early on-set Alzheimers and soon enough she could not even remember who she was. Then moving back to Seattle to start her internship and ending up falling in love with a married man, becoming the slutty intern aka other woman, and then finding out she was pregnant and running away to only end up in another triangle relationship and here she was, contracting too early and fearing that this could be it; she could be losing the baby. 

     A baby she at first had resented. A baby that had it not taken up space in her uterus, she might not have ran away from Seattle to begin with. She might not have cut ties with all of her people back then. But she had. And she had met Finn. And she had kept the baby, regardless of the wrecking fear that constantly lived within her, and now after she had nearly given up on it, it was giving up on her. She had been on her way to an abortion, and now this was payback. Her mind was spiraling, her whole entire body was shaking. People were trying to talk to her, but their voices sounded so foreign she could not even hear a single word they were saying. All she was stuck with was the fear of the one thing she had always carried with her for as long as she could remember, the thing that her mother had cursed her with with her death stares and her many warnings; the fear of failure. Only this was the worst; she was failing her own child. 

     “Ah!” A sharping pain cut her thoughts right off and made her face scrunch and her body twist in pain in bed, her arms wrapped around her belly, desperately trying to holding onto what she could almost feel already slipping away from her, like every other thing she had held dear that had slipped from her hands, no matter how desperately hard she had tried to hold onto. Suddenly all she could think about was Derek moving to Boston to be closer for her, to be a present father. Putting together an apartment with a room for her, the crib, the painted walls color, the mobil, all of it. He had just found out about this and she was already taking it from him. 

     Everything was spinning around her, everyone was rushing around but Meredith was completely lost in her head and thoughts and irrational fears; she knew they were irrational because as far as she knew she was only having contractions, but her mind just kept going to the worst case scenario. Because her whole life had been about worst case scenarios, so how could this be any different? She was completely panicked and numb at the same time, absolutely disconnected… Until. Dr Shepherd? What are you doing here? Just hearing his name stopped her completely. Stopped her brain, stopped her breathing, stopped everything. Meredith forced herself to come back in her body, to open her eyes, to look around. She was slow, she was in pain, but she looked around the room until her gaze found his, and the moment it did, she felt like part of the pain held still for a second. Like time froze for a bit. Derek closed the distance between them and her eyes opened wide stared into his as he approached and reached for her hand. The moment she felt his touch, she felt like she could breathe again. 

     Her shoulders sank a little and she gasped for air, the tears welling up in her eyes as he brushed the hair back, away from her face. I’m here. The breath she had no idea she had been holding left her lips in a heavy breath and the tears started streaming down her cheeks as she just let herself go, her bottom lip trembling, her hand squeezing his tighter almost instantly. I’m not going anywhere, okay? The words filled the room and they felt like the heaviest weight was lifted from her shoulders. Like she was not alone anymore. He was there. He was there, and he was not going anywhere. His hand in hers, she held so tight but without realizing so, and his other hand in her hair felt so soothing, she could feel his presence and it was the most reassuring and exactly what she was needing in that moment. Him. He was what she was needing. His presence, his hand in hers, his soft voice in her ear. He was everything she needed. He was everything. 

     You’re both going to be fine. Those few words made her eyes shut immediately, and the outpour of tears took over as she tried to not her head, tried to hold onto his words. Her hand squeezed his even tighter and she tried to breathe as she felt another wave of pain hitting her. “Oh god,” she winced out with pain, rolling over to her side a little, wrapping her free arm around her belly but her other hand never letting go of his. And then she felt his lips brushing against her hair, against her forehead, and all that kept playing in her head was you’re both going to be fine. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. 

    IT WAS LIKE THE entire room melted away. Derek knew these doctors, had worked with some of them in his short time at the hospital. No one knew he and Meredith had ever been together, but the cat was out of the bag now. He found he didn’t care either. His priority was Meredith and their baby, making sure both were okay. 

    After a few more seconds of comforting Meredith, he lifted his head and turned to the doctors at the end of the bed. “Is everything okay? With Meredith...the baby?” It was as if they were not phased that the neurosurgeon who had transferred was so concerned with an intern he ‘barely knew’. “She’s having Braxton Hicks. Whilst it’s painful, it’s not actual labour. We will give her some pain medication and a relaxant and an IV. She will have to stay for a few hours. We can keep an eye on her.” Derek took a slight breath, his hand tightening around Meredith’s. “I’m not going anywhere.” He told them, his gaze moving to Meredith. 

    The doctor nodded and began to instruct the nurses on what medication to get before they came back and began to insert an IV into Meredith’s arm. One injected Meredith with a light relaxant and the pain relief was hung on the stand with the IV fluids. Derek was so focused on helping Meredith settled through the pain that he didn’t realised someone had pushed a chair behind him until he felt their hand on his shoulder. He lowered himself into it and rested his elbows on the edge of the bed, his other hand covering his and Meredith’s. “You’re doing so well, Mer.” He told her softly. “I’m so proud of you.” He kissed the back of her hand and then used one of his hands to brush her hair back from her face. 

    An hour passed before they were disturbed again. The room had emptied out and it had been just them. Derek had spent the time rubbing Meredith’s hand and occasionally getting up to massage her lower back, but most of the time he was in the chair and holding her hand. His eyes had started to close and he was just settling into a relaxed state when someone cleared their throat. Derek’s eyes shot open but he took a few seconds to gather where he was before he looked around. His stomach dropped when he saw Finn by the door. 

    “Julie called me.” He explained. “Said you had possibly gone into early labour.” Derek couldn’t find the strength to let go of Meredith’s hand just yet but as Finn moved closer, his hand slipped from hers. “I’m going to give you some time together.” Derek commented and headed towards the door. “Have someone page me if you need anything.” He told Meredith and then left the room. He shut the door behind him and leant against it for a few seconds, his eyes finally meeting Julie’s. She looked sympathetic. He forced himself away from the door and walked over to her, squeezing her shoulder. “Thank you for calling him.” He mumbled and ran his hand over his face. He didn’t really want to thank her, but he knew Meredith needed him. “It’s okay. I figured she would want him there. I hope I didn’t step on any toes.” Derek shook his head and rubbed at his eyes. “Not at all.” He answered and walked himself towards the on-call rooms. He needed time alone. That was a close call and he had been scared she was going into early labour. He wondered what Addison would have done. Told him to pull himself together? Taken control of the situation completely and ensured Meredith and the baby were safe? Both. She would have done both. 

mctwcsty​:

     EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SITUATION was uncomfortable and Meredith could not stop thinking about how they were now in a three-way dynamic from here on out and she could not fathom having to deal with this level of uncomfortable on a daily basis. She felt absolutely stuck, and all she could think about was this little baby that would be coming soon and what that would be like for her. She had promised herself she would make sure she was well and that her environment was not as toxic and complicated as hers had been growing up. 

     The last thing Meredith wanted was to lie. And she had felt it coming. Before Derek left to go back to Seattle, she had been stuck with this feeling that when he would get back, it would be complicated and lies would be involved. It was a feeling that she had not been able to wash away. She felt stuck, felt like she was never doing the right thing, felt like when she was spending time with Derek figuring things out, she was being disrespectful to Finn, but when she was with Finn she did not completely feel like herself either. Nowhere felt home, nowhere felt like she belonged. She felt stuck, and besides herself everywhere she went to. Except the hospital. There, she felt like she was right where she should be. But now with Derek around, it was feeling confusing. Because she could not help but feel Finn’s discomfort about it, and maybe even slightly jealousy, and him coming up to find her in the hospital just there was the exact proof of her feelings there and confirmed them. And now the hospital did not feel like this neutral place where she could just be herself anymore and shut out everybody else’s feelings. Now everything and everywhere felt complicated and intertwined and she hated it. But she was stuck. 

     And the last thing she wanted to do was lie, but the moment Derek spoke up, she knew it was too late. She knew he meant well, and deep down she knew that it might be easier this way than to face Finn’s feelings about that too, but she hated lying. She hated the position she found herself in. And she knew Derek was not enjoying his position either, and nor was Finn. They were all not in the position they wanted for themselves and she hated that they were all uncomfortable. It should not be like this. It should not be so complicated. Why did it always have to be so complicated. Then again, everything had always been complicated with Derek. Or well, ever since Addison had showed up and the truth had been brought to light.

     Meredith kept quiet and let Derek talk, her gaze on him but not looking up at this face. She felt like Finn was looking at her and she could not deal with him looking at her looking at him. She felt scrutinized, observed, and she could not bare it. Finn nodded to Derek as he explained about wanting to spare the rumors around the halls about him and Meredith. “Right,” he said, and in his voice Meredith could hear it all - the jealousy, the anger, the uncomfortableness, all of it. Meredith swallowed thickly. As Derek voiced how he wanted to make this as easy as possible for her, Meredith gulped again and Finn nodded again. “Of course.” And all she could hear in that was him thinking how obviously he wanted that hence why he had come to work at the same hospital. But Meredith was glad he spared all of them any comment. She knew he was biting his tongue for her, because of their last disagreement. Everything felt forced and controlled, unnatural, she hated all of it. 

     The elevator doors opened and Derek took it as his out right away, and that was when Meredith’s gaze moved up to meet his as he stepped into the cabin. She could tell he really was trying to play nice, could also tell he wanted to get out of this as quickly as possible. So did she. So did all of them. She was speechless for a second as he turned to her, and then nodded. “Y-yea, see you Monday.” The doors closed and Meredith felt even more uncomfortable as she found herself alone with Finn in this moment. “So,” Finn said right away, and his hand reached out to rub her arm and left her shivering from head to toe, yet she turned to look at him and gulped. “How about I run you a warm bath for you to enjoy while I make us some chicken parm for dinner,” he said, and she could tell he was trying just as hard, and also trying to make up for the previous night. Meredith swallowed thickly, she was trying, too. And so forcing up a tired smile, she could not lie about her exhaustion she knew he knew of it anyway, she said, “Sounds great.” He smiled back at her and nodded. “Yea? Great, come on,” he said, and pushed the elevator button before holding out his hand for her to hold. She gulped thickly and reached out for it, and she felt a flip in her stomach as his fingers wrapped around hers.

     The night went fine, as did all the ones that came after that. Things were fine. Finn was being extra galant, cooking her meals for her lunches, sometimes even dropping by to bring her a snack or a coffee. He said he wanted to make sure she was eating enough, but Meredith could see him from the corner of her eye looking around to try and spot Derek. But Derek had respected what he had said in that office with the Chief. He kept his distances, was nothing but professional with her and always tried to get everyone else in when needed before asking for her help. He was keeping his distances so much that nobody had asked anything in her regards when he had showed up. Only Julie had brought up the fact that he used to work in Seattle like she had so she figured they knew each other, which Meredith had not denied but she had not been ready to go into details and so she had kept it short and sweet, and Julie had been satisfied with her answer, being that yes they had worked together, that he was very demanding and had high expectations, that he cared a lot about his patients and cases and that he was a great teacher and a great neurosurgeon to learn from. 

     And when it came to the whole Derek-Finn dynamic, they were both being cordial with one another. Finn was being more polite than she would have expected - she could not help but think about that argument and back then she had feared he would never be able to stand in the same room than him. Meredith could tell he was really trying but then they found themselves together and she could feel a distance settling in slowly, one that did not used to be there. And at first she blamed it on Derek’s presence and tried to give more credit to Finn knowing this had to be hard for him - she had been through it back in Seattle, with Addison being around. But regardless of her efforts and his, the distance only seemed to be growing between them. 

     And then a day past her 32 week mark, Meredith started to feel cramps in her lower belly. At first they were light and truth be told, she was trying to ignore them. But she was just walking out of a patient’s room when a sharp pain paralyzed her into place. Thankfully, the nurses station counter was right by and she managed to hold herself up by reaching a hand out to it. The rest of the interns had kept walking but Julie glanced behind herself as she felt like Meredith had stayed behind, and when she saw her bent over, she rushed over. “Hey you alright?!” She asked, reaching out a hand to her belly as she saw Meredith holding it with her other hand. Meredith looked up at her, and as their gaze met, she could read in Julie’s eyes that she knew something was up. “Page OB,” Meredith muttered, and Julie nodded right away, turning up to the nurse sitting behind the desk. “Page OB stat please,” she said, and the nurse nodded right away and grabbed the phone, paging OB. As Julie turned to Meredith, another sharp pain hit Meredith and she could not help but let out a wince of pain. “Somebody get me a wheelchair!!” Julie shouted out, and right away a nurse rushed over with one. 

     Meredith’s head was spinning. Sharp pains coming in waves. Tight belly. She was a bit early, but she had been under a great amount of stress lately, plus she had not really slowed down much when her OB had asked her to, and her OB had told her given her shape and rhythm, she could very well go into early labor. Labor. Was she in labor? Fear completely took over and she disconnected completely. All she could think about was the baby’s coming. She was moved into the wheelchair, everything around her seemed to be going so fast it was like spinning around her, she could hear people trying to ask her questions and tell her things but it all sounded so foreign, and all she could think about was she could be having the baby. Through the chaos, Meredith reached out a hand and managed to grab Julie’s arm. “Page Derek.” She had snapped it, low and almost a mutter so nobody would hear, with fear in her eyes, and Julie stared back at her frozen into place, a frown on her face. “Wh-what?” She asked at first. “Finn? You mean Finn? You want me to call Finn? Of course, I’ll-” she began, but Meredith squeezed her arm even tighter and repeated, “Page Derek Shepherd now.” The nurses pushed her wheelchair and her hand slipped from Julie’s arm, who stood behind completely frozen into place. And suddenly, it all clicked and she stood there as Meredith was wheeled away, her shoulders sinking and a breath escaping her mouth. And then she snapped herself out of it and paged Shepherd, her hands shaking as she did. 

    DEREK HAD SPENT THE past few weeks being as cordial as possible towards Meredith and Finn. He didn’t get in their way. Meredith would meet him outside of the hospital to give him scan photos and updates from her appointments. It was usually the only time they got alone. He understood he wasn’t with Meredith, but he did want some time to be able to discuss things about the baby and they never got the chance. So instead, he threw himself into doing things for the nursery. He painted it a pastel yellow. He knew their daughter would be the light of their life and he liked the idea of her being surrounded by sunshine when she was with him. He built the crib and bought various bedding supplies and set it up already, just in case. There was a white mattress cover and a blanket covered in sunflowers. Above the crib was a white mobile with little suns and flowers hanging from it. He placed a rocking chair in the corner near the window and had spent an afternoon building a changing table which had drawers to store diapers and wipes and anything else she might need. He had begun to buy her little outfits also and had washed everything and stacked it neatly in the closet. A soft fluffy rug completed the room. He had spent a week making sure it was perfect. 

    That morning, Derek had been rounding on his patients and ensuring everyone was ready for their surgeries that day. One by one he made sure their obs were completed and they had signed all the paperwork. He had finished one surgery and managed to sneak in a cup of coffee before he entered the scrub room to start on the next. He placed his scrub cap on his head, the Ferry Boat one, he tied the strings at the back and reached for a mask, securing it in place before pressing the button on the sink with his knee and reaching for the soap. He had barely made it to a minute when the door burst open, a gasping Julie in the doorway. 

    Derek let out a little chuckle as she burst through but then realised she wasn’t even on his service. “Hale, what are you do-?” He was cut off before he could speak. “You didn’t answer your pager.” She gasped out. He looked into the OR and nodded through the window. “It’s already in the OR.” The nurses were too busy getting things ready to realise it had gone off. “You didn’t answer your pager so I had to run down here...god.” She gasped and pressed her hand at her side, holding the stitch she was feeling. “It’s...crap...it’s Meredith.” The soap slipped from Derek’s hands and rattled against the metal of the sink. He turned to look at Julie, his body felt like it was frozen in place. “She asked me to page you. I...I didn’t know...You didn’t answer your pager...Dr Shepherd I think she’s gone into labour.” Derek numbly reached for the towels above the sink and dried his hands off.

    This was bad. If Meredith had sent someone to get him it was bad. She was a few weeks out yet. She couldn’t be going into labor. He nodded slightly as if to reassure himself and then grabbed a mask and stepped into the OR. “I’ve been called out for an emergency. Can you call the on-call surgeon, please?” The scrub nurse nodded and he excused himself, throwing the mask into the trash and then rushing for the door. He held it open for Julie, his hand falling to her back as he ushered her out. They both walked quickly to the elevators, Derek’s fingers pressed relentlessly at the buttons until a cabin appeared. He stepped on and quickly pressed the right floor. He twiddled his thumbs nervously as the elevator lifted them higher. “She’s going to be okay, right?” Julie asked, finally breaking the silence. Derek brought his gaze to her. Her friendship towards Meredith reminded him of Cristina, but no one would ever beat the Twisted Sisters. He forced a smile. “She’s going to be just fine.” He patted her shoulder and quickly stepped out as the doors opened. 

    Only Derek couldn’t control himself now. They were on the right floor and he had no self-control left in him, so he instantly ran down the hallways, he didn’t care if it brought attention to himself. People would know by the end of the day anyway. He hesitated outside the door but this time it was Julie who comforted him. “Go. She needs you.” She needs you. Those words just stopped the panic rushing through his body. Meredith needed him. He nodded a little and stepped into the room. The scene was chaotic. Nurses rushed around the bed so quickly he could barely see Meredith. But with a break in between them he caught sight of her face. She needs you. He took a deep breath and pushed forwards, ignoring the protests from the other doctors; Dr Shepherd? What are you doing here? She’s fine. I know she’s your intern but you can’t be here. The words washed over him, the room almost falling silent around him until he was next to her bed. He reached for her hand and the bustle of the room came back to him. He reached out and brushed her hair from her face. “I’m here.” He told her softly. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?” He kept his grip on her hand, kept his hand in her hair. “You’re both going to be fine.” He leant down without thinking, his lips brushing against her hair. “I’ve got you.”

mctwcsty​:

     IT FELT LIKE A RELIEF. To actually not be single-handedly carrying this news, to have it out in the open, it was relieving. Scary as hell when it came to how everything would play out and how the other residents would welcome the news, but relieving that she did not have to carry this as a secret anymore. And to say out loud what she wanted, to demand not to be treated any differently, to get to say that she just wanted to keep going at her normal life - to voice her needs and desires, it felt so good. To be heard. Now that the Chief knew, she felt more at ease about Derek coming to work with them. She did not want to play the hiding game anymore, she did not want to play games anymore period. She was expecting a baby, she did not have time for games anymore. 

     To hear the Chief speak up about how they would all continue as though nothing was happening between them at first sounded a little too easy because obviously they were expecting a baby, but when it came to work, indeed nothing was happening. He was the head of Neuro, she was a first year resident. And so besides being her boss, there was nothing between them. She nodded as he suggested about the rotation, which obviously was a given. She was fine with that… even though she stopped herself from really thinking about it because truth be told; the idea of being on his service again was a trip down memory lane she was not sure she was ready to take. 

     Meredith gulped as the Chief voiced how glad he was that they had come to him, and before Derek’s first day. Meredith was glad he felt that way, and she was glad to have called Derek down to do it and not push off until the next morning. As Derek shook Clive’s hand, Meredith gulped and then stood from her chair as the Chief did so. She looked his way as he turned her way and nodded her head in response. “Will do. Thank you for having us,” she said, along with a continued small nod of head. She then followed Derek out of the office, and as she stepped foot out of there, her lungs filled up and then released the air almost right away, her shoulders sinking a little. She then looked around and was glad to see the halls were rather empty. 

     Meredith caught Derek’s sigh and she quickly turned his way, gulping, her hands sliding into the pockets of her lab coat. They were walking their way down to the elevator when Derek’s question filled the silence that had settled shortly between them and Meredith gulped. “I didn’t,” she began, almost hesitating but completing, “Finn dropped me off this morning…” The words sort of trailed off. She always felt uncomfortable mentioning his name to Derek, and that part of her hated that she did because why would she? Why should she feel uncomfortable, or guilty? Pressing onto the button of the elevator, Meredith took a small step back and turned to Derek. She gulped. She did not know what to say, and yet it felt like there was so much to say. He looked good. She knew he would love the hospital. The staff was nice, he would like it here. Meredith gulped. “Thank you,” she muttered softly. “For coming out here on such short notice,” she added, her head stil lightly nodding for a moment until she added, “I appreciate it.”

      And as the elevator’s doors opened, someone came walking forward with a decided step until they stopped halfway in, hands in their coat’s pockets, a slight look of shock on his face. “Hey,” he let out with obvious surprise before his gaze slowly drifted over to Derek. Finn. Meredith froze for a second before she looked Derek’s way, and then back Finn’s way. For some reason she felt stuck in the middle and she absolutely hated it. And yet she knew they would have to figure this out, too. Looking his way, Meredith sort of unfroze and breathed out a small, “Hey-” and that was all that came out of her mouth. “I was looking for you downstairs, they told me you had been seen up here so I took a shot…” Finn muttered, his eyes finding Meredith’s always but constantly wandering over to Derek. Meredith gulped past her tight throat, feeling so very torn up inside. So stuck. So confused. So… all of it. 

    AS THE CONVERSATION STARTED and began to feel casual, Derek felt more at ease. He nodded at her answer. He should have figured really. It would be difficult and probably uncomfortable to fit behind the wheel at this stage in her pregnancy. But he didn’t expect her next words. He raised an eyebrow and turned his head to look at her. “Oh...I...It was no bother, really.” He explained and offered a smile. “I wasn’t doing much. I had just finished unpacking the bedroom.” He pressed the elevator button again and stepped back. 

    The elevator rang as the doors opened and Derek made a step forwards until someone stepped closer. He went to step back, an apologetic smile on his face until he heard them address Meredith. He looked at the male properly and his stomach dropped. He shouldn’t be having this reaction with Meredith’s boyfriend, but he couldn’t help it. 

    He felt like an animal at the zoo. Finn was staring him down, Meredith was glancing at him. He wanted to turn on his heel and just walk the other way, but he couldn’t. He was rooted to the spot. As Finn spoke, Derek could see him glancing over at him. He looked to Meredith and instantly felt this protectiveness wash over him. She looked confused and stuck. He had to step in. 

   Derek pursed his lips a little and then relaxed, rocking forwards slightly on the balls of his feet as his hands went to his pockets. “I was finishing up some paperwork for the Chief in the cafeteria and I saw Meredith. I suggested that maybe we should talk to the Chief now about our situation before I start work on Monday. It seemed better to loop him in rather than have it blow up in our faces when rumours start to run through the halls.” He explained and then nodded a little. “I want this to be as easy as possible for Meredith.” 

    He was sure Finn was going to come back with some comment about how he shouldn’t have started at Mass Gen then, but he was ready for it. He wouldn’t let it anger him or upset him. But before he could say anything the elevator opened again. “Looks like that’s my cue.” He stepped towards the elevator and kept the door open with his foot. “It was nice seeing you again Finn. I’ll see you around on Monday, Meredith.” He nodded a little and then turned away and entered the elevator. 

    As soon as the doors were closed, he let out a long, harsh breath. He felt like he was going to explode. He couldn’t justify his hatred for Finn but something was just off. He was picking up a vibe from him and he didn’t like it. He wanted Meredith to be growing their baby in a happy environment and he was sure she wasn’t getting that at the moment. 

Classing today as Derek’s birthday as it’s Patrick’s...send my boi some love? 

mctwcsty​:

     CAN YOU GIVE ME ABOUT TEN MINUTES? Meredith literally froze in her seat as it hit her that they were actually going forward with this now. It was happening. It was not that she had expected Derek to deny her request, they both knew they had to do it, but somehow she had not quite expected him to be so on board so quickly. Or maybe she just felt like there was more time and she was now realizing there was not. Everything was happening. All that seemed to be in the future - to be happening had changed status to currently happening. Voice stuck in her throat as the shock sort of struck her for a minute, Meredith cleared her throat after a bit and nodded. “Ok-” she muttered, hearing him going about, probably rushing to get ready. She had not meant for him to rush. Somehow she was almost starting to try to think of ways to stop this, to find a stop button and put a hold on it. But the furthest it could wait for was the next morning.

     The call ended rather quickly and Meredith was left sitting in her chair, feeling completely numb and disconnected. It took her a few minutes to snap out of her trance and force herself up from her seat. She mechanically walked herself to the elevator, down to the lobby. Now there were large knots in her stomach. Her hands thrown in the pockets of her lab coat, she watched as the numbers went down above the elevator doors, her throat feeling tight. She had no idea how she wanted to bring this up to the Chief. Hi. Derek is my baby’s father. Thank you, Chief. It all sounded so wrong, how was she supposed to go about this? She was terrified. The elevator rang and the doors opened, and she forced herself out, heading out to the lobby still so mechanically. Would the Chief be upset none of them had said anything beforehand? 

     Meredith was sure she was going to vomit. She had sat in one of the chairs while waiting for Derek, trying to keep her leg from shaking up and down. They had to do this. It would be fine. It felt like less than ten minutes when Derek appeared, snapping Meredith out of her head. Their gaze locked from a distance and she swallowed thickly after a short moment of shock upon seeing him. It really was happening now. She got up from her seat right as he called out to her, nodding her head lightly in response. Something felt weird as Derek closed the distance between them and stood before her. She could tell he was uncomfortable himself, she wondered what made him so uncomfortable though because this would not affect him the same way it would affect her, but maybe she did not know entirely how he felt about this… oh, her head was just spinning with too much now, she could not see straight or really comprehend the situation. She just knew this was happening, she wanted it to be over already, and as Derek voiced those exact feelings with the exact words ringing in her head, she felt both relief and complete and pure terror. But she nodded and followed him out to the elevator. 

     It was weird because as she walked behind him, there were moments where she almost felt back in Seattle. Back in time, back then. Back into this young naïve intern, putting this hot shot neurosurgeon on such a pedestal, before her heart was crushed completely as reality hit her right in the face like some giant truck. The ride up to the Chief’s office felt like an eternity, and the cabin was packed so they both stood on their own and kept quiet, which made it all the more stressful. The doors soon enough opened, they stepped off the cabin and Meredith once again followed after Derek as he led them down to the Chief office, and with each new step she felt like her heart was going to burst right out of her chest and like she was going to throw up. 

     When they reached the office door, Meredith felt herself becoming so numb, she could hardly feel herself standing up at all. Her whole body was numb, even her brain could hardly process what was going on. While Derek knocked on the door, she just stood there. It was when she heard the Chief’s voice and then Derek looked her way before opening the door that she forced her body to step forward, appearing in the doorway. Her gaze met with the Chief’s and she could tell by the look on his face that he was confused; what were they both doing together coming to his office? He was completely unaware of it all, unaware that they knew each other at all even though he could guess given they both were from Seattle Grace. 

     As the Chief spoke up, his words felt like a massive hit. The word trouble send chills up her spine, she could not help but to think of the baby and obviously that poor innocent child-to-be was no trouble, it had not asked for anything. It certainly had not asked to be brought to the world in such circumstances. Right in that instant, thinking of the baby, Meredith felt some of herself coming back. They were doing the right thing, this was the right thing to do by the baby. She would soon be born and the fact was that her parents were working together, and the situation was complicated but they had to work it out so a system was in place to make it easier for her as possible, and this was part of making the system easier. Finding a balance at work, being upfront about the situation with the Chief, that was all right by her. Suddenly, she felt a little more confident about this. 

     Derek invited themselves in, the Chief gestured them over. Meredith headed over to the chairs and sat in the one Derek held for her, joining her hands before her below her belly. Derek sat down beside her, and she was already trying to piece together the words she wanted to use to bring this up. But before she could even think, Derek started off, letting the Chief know they had something to discuss with him prior to Monday, and suddenly it felt like all words and thoughts left Meredith’s mind. She felt the pressure literally crashing onto her, and she was at a loss for words. Derek glanced up to her and she felt she had to say something, anything, but nothing was coming up. And then Derek started to talk and Meredith looked over to him. It felt like her heart was going to beat right out of her chest, she could hear it in her ears literally. She felt so hot and yet so cold, it felt like the room was spinning. She could feel the weight hanging in the room, she could feel Derek’s stress as well, and in that moment, it made her feel less alone to know he was as terrified about this as she was. His bouncing leg was making her more nervous, but she felt reassured to know this was not just hard for her to deal with.

     And then he said it, and everything froze. I’m the father of Meredith’s baby. The whole room froze. Like as if it was put on hold, a major pause, everything hanging in the air for a moment. Meredith could not even tell if she was breathing or not at that point, she was just completely beside herself. It was the first time she was hearing him saying it out loud, too. Meredith sort of zoned out, until she heard Derek saying how if the Chief wished he did not work at Mass Gen, he would understand. Her gaze found his face again and she stared through, holding her breath still. Then the Chief chuckled, and as he said her name, her gaze shifted over to him, or more like snapped over. She was surprised by his words, and touched surely. 

     But we will need some boundaries. I suppose you’ve thought about this? The words left Meredith paralyzed. Boundaries. Thought about it? Obviously they had thought about it, it was all she at least had been thinking about. Obviously they would not be arguing in the hallways or in the OR during a surgery. They both wanted to be professional about their handling of the situation. Yes they were going to become parents, but they were also surgeons who would work together and out of respect for their peers, they would have to find a balance to make it work so their personal life did not get in the way ever. She knew it would not be an easy task, but she needed it to be worked out well, and she knew Derek cared that it was well dealt with, too. She believed they could do it. They had managed pretty well so far. 

     That was when Meredith felt Derek looking her way and she felt her stomach flip. It felt like she had been part of the conversation without actually being a part of it, and yet Derek had said things like they were, no more no less. Derek spoke up again and Meredith glanced his way again, unaware of what he had thought of for they had not really discussed it, and so she found herself listening closely. As he shared his plan to only interact with her at work when necessary, Meredith could not help but feel the flip in her stomach; it sounded so cold and distant, and yet she knew it was the right thing to do. And she did not want her coworkers to go thinking she was getting any special treatment from one of their bosses just because she had slept with him and was expecting his child. It was already huge enough as it was. 

     What do you think about this Dr Grey? The words snapped her right out of her head, her head turning right in the Chief’s direction, her gaze meeting his. Do you agree with those terms? Do you have anything you may want to add to it, perhaps? Meredith gulped thickly past her tight throat. She hated this situation, she wanted to literally disappear from the room. Just slip in her chair and disappear, be gone, poof. Gulping thickly once again, she knew she had to say something, anything. She had to have thought about this, to have an opinion, something to add to it, anything. But she felt absolutely speechless. She stared at the Chief a moment longer before she actually managed to bring herself to speak up. “I agree with Der- Dr. Shepherd’s vision,” she said. She felt a need to correct herself, even though then she thought that he had called her by her name. But then again, he was her boss. She was the resident. Their situation was not the same, at all. She gulped thickly again, and her head bent, her gaze falling upon her belly for a moment, and she felt movement that just made her focus back on the reason why they were doing this in the first place, and she connected herself with that in that moment. With her; with her daughter. “I don’t want the situation to affect my work here,” she began, her head moving up and her gaze finding the Chief’s again. “I just want to continue my work here as I have ever since my transfer here. I don’t want any special treatments.”

    DESPITE THE TENSION IN the room, Derek felt himself relax at Meredith’s words. She wanted to carry on as normal and that was all that mattered. It was all he wanted too. He didn’t want her education to be affected. He knew full well that if this situation was taking place in Seattle that her education would be effected for various reasons. Addison probably would either refuse to work with her or put her on her service all the time. Rumours would be churning non-stop. Her friends would constantly hover over her not giving her room to breathe and the second Derek asked for her help, he would be accused of favouriting her. He didn’t want that. 

    “Perfect. With that in mind, we will continue on as if nothing is happening between you two. Derek will only request for your help if he has no other option but you would remain on his rotation every two weeks.” Derek nodded along. He suspected that Meredith would have to be on his rotation at some point, every two weeks was a compromise. “I’m glad you both came to me. I can’t say it isn’t a shock, but I’m still grateful you came to me before you started on Monday, Derek. It shows I can trust you both to act like adults.” Derek knew he hadn’t acted like an adult often in Seattle, but this was a new slate. 

   He leant forwards and shook Clive’s hand. “Thank you for listening to us and for taking it all on board. It means a lot.” With that he stood from his chair fully. “Well, I will see you Monday, Derek. Meredith, go home. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Derek was almost grateful he wasn’t treating her like a porcelain doll. That was the opposite of Meredith Grey. Derek forced a smile and nodded, leading the way out of the office. They were lucky the hallways were clear. 

    Derek let out a long sigh the second the door was shut. He felt sick. His stomach was churning and he felt like he could feel his heart in his throat. He wasn’t sure why, considering everything had gone so well, but he couldn’t push past the feeling. “Did you drive here today?” He asked her softly, trying to shift the silence into a casual conversation. He sometimes still got nervous around Meredith.