wow! It has been so long since I opened this account. Glad it’s still alive.

I am back again to pour myself out because I don’t have anyone to open myself up to. I’ve been hungry for the days that I will be able to feel safe, sound, and secure.  

Adulting really is scary. I am trying to grasp the reality of growing old and having no one around. As much as I wanted help from family, friends, or just anyone, I just don’t want to get used to it.  I know, I’m making it hard for myself but this path I chose is what will make me strong for the following years to come.

Hoping to feel genuinely happy again.

once you stop fantasizing about that ideal version of yourself and start working towards becoming that person by setting your alarm clock earlier and actually going to the gym and actually volunteering at places and actually eating healthier and not procrastinating and working just a little bit harder you’ll realize that it was so easy all along. becoming your ideal self will only ever exist in your mind until you make the decision to work towards becoming that person. get up!! get going!! it’s now or never!! there is no light at the end of the tunnel!! get that flashlight and pave your own path bitch bc no one else is going to do it for u!!

It's good to be back

It's been a year, i guess? Or more than a year or so that i've been able to blog about my days. Grabe talaga, it's really a roller coaster ride for me. Some days i wanted to fly for being so happy then after some time i just wanted to kill myself for feeling so empty and sad. I can't fathom what to feel for being this kind of person e. I don't even know what i am but anyway i just wanted to post again and i hope this will be the start for me to go back into blogging.

How Could You

I hate how my life turned out to be like this. I do regret a lot of things which i thought before weren’t going to be. I wanted to look back and see it all as an experience and lesson learned but making me feel isolated and degraded is so out of the line.

Love is a theif. It will steal your precious time and will change your dreams and will crush you until you have nothing left. If you have chosen the wrong person to love, if you chose a demon to consume you. Well, yes. Love will always be a theif.

Everything i had, everything i wish i still have, everything i gave up for such a jerk. I hope it all comes back. Jerk wouldn’t be appropriate, he’s beyond being a jerk. He’s the worst.

I wanted to write about you while all these emotions is still alive but there’s this feeling that keeps on interfering and letting me feel that i am not ready yet. 

Maybe this feeling is right. 

I wanted to write about you with all things figured out. To why things are what they are. To why you keep telling me that i’m the one you wanted but i am not. To why i was the one kept secret from everyone. To why i was the one you chose to hurt the most. I wanted to know why, and maybe i could find the will for me to be happy for you...let me just know why and i won’t bother anymore.

A letter you'll never be able to read but i'll write it anyway

Mommy, I know for sure that you don't like me to be with your grandson for i did the worse thing you could ever imagine someone can do when in a relationship. I would like to say sorry in person, i would like to let you know how sincerely sorry i am for everything i've caused. I don't even know if i will be able to see you again, maybe i lost the chance to. You refuse to see me even when you're in critical condition, and i utterly understand that. I wouldn't risk it also because i don't know if seeing me will cause you stress that can only harm you. If only God can whisper things to you, i'd like him to tell you how much i wanted to see you for the last time and let you know how everything you did to me is well-appreciated and i do love the way you showed me things from your past, how you kissed me every time you see me, how glad you make me feel just seeing you happy. Simple things you do, mommy. I love you po. Happy Mother's day. You are truly blessed to have people around you that loves you truly and care so much. I may not be family by blood, but i do love and care for you po. I hope God would send this letter to you but i know it can't happen.

J,

It's been almost 4 months now since you stopped talking. I knew it, it's so good to be true and it really happened so fast and everything was just like pooof. You entred my life in an expected yet unexpected way. I haven't apologize to you for not telling you the truth but if you stick along, you would know it. Fortunately, you left and that's the best thing i could give to you, to be not part of your life anymore because you don't deserve someone like me. You don't deserve to have love for someone who doesn't give you what you deserve. You deserve more than i could ever give you. I know how much love you have for someone you chose to love and how much effort you're willing to show. Don't change who you are because you're perfect for someone that is willing to go beyond for you. Apologies for everything i put you through and for things that might happen to you.

I need more time to gather my thoughts to be able to write and express what's inside me. I've been so overwhelmed these past few days.

Why 101

You know that prevention is better than cure then why?? Why you still did it? Why you had this mentality that you’ll just make it up to me after?? Is it because you know that i will always forgive you because you know how much i love you??

Thoughts on Sunday

It’s been awhile since i have time to contemplate and blog about it, and today is not one of it. I really have a lot on my plate, things are so damn messy at this point and school shit is getting in the way. I really hope i could blog everything after all these, but i doubt it becuase i’m not really good at remembering all the detials but i’ll try my best. Anyways, i just want you to know that the purpose of this blog is still about my rants and shits, i’m just busy, too busy to do this but i will, soon.

Diary 101

2/20/17 I've been away from blogging for some time and to tell you honestly i feel like i don't know how to express my shits here until now (lol) anyway, it's been a hell of a month that has passed and i hope i can tell you all of it, especially those times that i've been so fuckin down and i don't know what to do with my life and i've been a lost soul and stupid and careless to everything that i do couple of months ago. Too many personal stuff and school related problems, love life, family, friends and everything. I hope one of these days, when i'm not busy i could tell you what happen that could serve as a lesson to you, because it does to me big time. I won't be posting long empty stories to get you bored, so i'll try my best to make it easy for you guys.

It hurts

Ngayong gabi, sa pagpatak ng mga luha sa aking mga labi, inaalala ang mga huling sandali na kahit kailan pa'y di na mauulit muli.

Masakit at mahirap tanggapin, na sa bawat sandali, mapaghanggang ngayon ay nanggagahuhan padin.

I created another blog for my everyday rants and some sort, because I know most of my friends are tired of hearing it and i can be called drama queen already for having so much drama in life.