all i ever do is wonder why i ever deserved being treated as if my feelings dont matter or as if i dont deserve understanding and forgiveness

all i ever do is think why it was so easy for people to treat me like shit and leave my life as i never meant anything to them

all i ever do is ask why i never get the same amount of effort and care and thoughtfulness back

all i ever think is why im trying so hard to be good to other people when theyre not even good to me

i'm so mentally and emotionally drained from holding all this shit in, acting like life is sweet when i got so much deeper shit going on

2023 in B L A C K & W H I T E

2023 in B R O W N

2023 in P U R P L E

2023 in B L U E

2023 in G R E E N

2023 in Y E L L O W

2023 in O R A N G E

2023 in R E D

I really didn't ever mind not being posted. If anything, I found it appealing before to keep the relationship extra private because I genuinely hated the thought of other people having their own opinions about my lovelife. But then you kept dismissing me in private conversations with other people, you made more effort into not mentioning me than it is to just say you're with me, and even coincidentally deny being with me when we're seen together. Suddenly, all I ever think about now is that you never truly love me unless you tell other people you do, more than ever just telling me, more than just the people you care about. Because it's easy to tell your friends you have me; they pose no threat to us. But not mentioning me to other girls that can potentially be the next girl if we ever don't work out just seems like you're keeping yourself from losing prospects. Also seeing it be easy for you to post memes, your car, or random things do not help because why not just post me along with those other things? Why is it easier to avoid doing it rather than just doing it knowing it will make me happy as well? Witnessing it be easy for you before to post past partners, talk about them so highly, and brag about them to other people also makes me question my own self worth as well. I thought communicating clearly to what I need leads to change but apparently not. I can endlessly ask, beg, plead, or even communicate comprehensively about what I need to make me feel loved or reassured and yet nothing improves. If social media really isn't a big deal to you that you just don't post then it shouldn't be this hard for you to actually post me because again, it's not a big deal. It should not be a big deal to post or not to post; It should not be a big deal either way. No one is forcing you to do something you're uncomfortable with. I'd rather have you do it because you wanted to and not because I asked. At the end if the day, it was never that important to me either. However, seeing you make more effort not to do it rather than just do it suddenly makes it so important to me. And if you do not understand how this upsets me, I would rather not let you know and let it upset me even more. And if you do not understand how this upsets me, I'll just be the one to understand that you don't. Because why? Why am I not worth it?

“I believe in the kind of love that doesn’t demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety … Something that allows me to me without question.”

— Joey Palermo

Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait In Letters/ Anne Sexton, from a letter to Anne Clarke dated 23 March 1964

keeping myself busy to feel okay.

everyday just been feeling like i need a cigarette

Why I ever believed that I was different and special and thought that this is going to be the best for me is beyond me. I need to accept the fact that I am never deserving of anything good because anything I touch, I destroy.