2 months before this year ends...

Wow, times flies really fast and without any notice. Well, the bottom line of my year was that I loss a lot of things. Like it's a kind of a loss for some reasons. I can't decipher this as a negative connotation because I see these losses as a lesson and an opportunity to be more. Yes, it upsets you at times, but adversity is always there. I always look into it that "kung hindi ka natatalo, hindi ka na gumagalaw." as one the quotes from the movie "Bar Boys". I came to realize as well that even though you had already constructed a plan on your mind for your future, you can't really predict what could happen along the way while you're executing your plans. I really believe that life is uncertain.

These past few months, as I had mentioned on my previous blog, I cut out someone important to me, I had to undergo surgery because of the frequent pain I was feeling on my abdomen, and the lastly, I just lost my dream job.

I'm currently on rest and unexpectedly had a new job coming up. I was planning to take rest until next year because I felt like I pushed myself too hard to a point that I couldn't anymore focus, and I felt so blessed to have my mother that was so understanding on my situation. Pero siyempre, gusto ko paring kumayod at makatulong sa gastusin sa bahay. Ang hirap din kapag wala kang ginagawa at pinagkaka-abalahan. Sometimes, my mother would notice how devastated I was from what was happening to me lately. She always brushes my head and then indirectly saying that everything will be okay. Kahit hindi ko sabihin mga nararamdaman ko, alam niya. Ang hirap pigilan ang iyak ko minsan kapag ginagawa niya yun. At the end of the day, yun din talaga ang kailangan mo. Sana humaba pa buhay ni Mama. Gusto ko makita niya na kakayanin ko sarili ko saka ang kapatid ko.

Going back, those losses that I had are like a blessing in disguise. I never knew cutting off people can also give you peace of mind, I may have remnants of despair but it's better not to bring back people in your life that made you feel worthless. You can live without them. Now that as well I am learning to prioritize myself first. Para ba akong bumabawi sa sarili ko, and ang sarap sa pakiramdam. I'm also cutting out my medication for my mental health gradually and trying other ways to overcome my condition. Bukod kasi sa ang mahal magpagamot dito sa Pilipinas, nagiging dependent na ako sa gamot and I hate taking pills everyday, feeling ko masisira yung internal organs ko. Well, there is always a consequence on your every decision though. I read books about positivity, psychology, and understanding yourself, then going out with friends, going to coffee shops, taking a walk in the park, going to church, and of course, writing journals just like this. I must say that it's a good alternative for me. I don't want to be drawn by the pills since I also want to live healthy now that my gallbladder was removed. Man, that was one of the most unforgettable experiences of my life. I just thought that a tablet of laxative could help me get through the frequent stomach pains I was getting. Akala ko kabag lang, yun pala may bato na ako. Now, I am having a hard time losing weight again. I got back to my highest point again. Kung gaano ako kabilis pumayat, ganun din kabilis akong tumaba. I realized that my way of losing weight was wrong. I want to do my workout routines before pero nahihirapan pa ako because of my scar. Medyo masakit pa. I feel so unhealthy lately and I need to get back on track little by little.

Now talking about losing a job, at first I took the loss so badly that I isolated myself after I left the office. Pakiramdam ko ang dami kong pagkukulang at nawala talaga sa focus. I thought about coming back and re-apply kasi gusto kong bumawi at para bang itama yung mga pagkakamali ko noon. But lately, I've been getting signs and realizations na hindi na dapat. As I dug through and thought about the days I spent on my previous job, I sort of burned out myself. The company was all good and had amazing benefits but the standards that the company needs from their employees was so high. So, while getting to the finish line (regularization), there were a lot of signs that this was not meant for me. Para bang every week may anxiety ka na baka matanggal ka na and kahit week off mo, iniisip mo parin ang metrics mo. I'm thankful to have an experience being part of this company and being with my amazing colleagues and mentors because I was able to maximize all the benefits and ang dami ko talagang natutunan when it comes to handling stressful situations. Being on customer service role needs a lot of patience and willingness to adapt because this is one of the most mentally and physically draining jobs you can be in even if the pay is quite good.

Though at times I felt in every waking moment my purpose and plans are getting out of hand. It's really hard to resist being lonely and having existential crisis. As a child, I always look forward to becoming an adult to have this sense of freedom. But now that I'm an adult, you can afford to have freedom, but you also have the pressure because as they all say, with great power comes with great responsibility.

I just don't want to thrive to survive all the time, I also wanted to live. But you must still have to work on the freedom you're aiming for, and that's the reality. I still believe na I will meet the successful me that I am always manifesting.

What's going on lately... (Part 2)

As we go along with life, you will never run out of problems, heartbreaks, and disappointments. There was this book that I read in which the author says to never wish a life that has no problems. It's not always that you will only go through ups. You MUST have downs, with that said this will make you stronger like a rock that turns into a diamond. Avoiding problems will also take you to more problems and it would cause a lot in your mental health.

I've been through a heartbreak/huge disappointment recently to a specific bond with this person. I met this person at my first job, he was my leader. I had a huge crush on him and we got close to a point that I didn't realized I was too attached already. He is a good person a good friend. We had a lot of memories during the time that I was still working with him. Suddenly, I didn't notice that I was falling. At the time we were both struggling with our own lives, there was this one time, that I went by to his house because I didn't know what to do anymore, I was about to end my life. I thought about going to him maybe he could help me, and he showed up. I was struggling about my role as a trainer and having problems at home at the same time. He was there to lift me up though he was at his low point at that time as well, I really admired him for this. We always go out to eat and talk about everything we can talk about. I've known him as a person who doesn't go with this colleagues for outside shift shenanigans'. Until such day, his new team had grew into a circle of friends. His team calls me "Mimau" like Mommy Mau, and I felt considered and belonged. At my part I was also glad because I actually do not have an actual group of people at the office. I only go to work and focus on what I should do and the same goes for him, he opened up and said "Nilabas niyo ang kulit ko" and it was so good to hear. We had this like deal that we're here for each other and I felt safe whenever I was with him, like in a rainy day in my car at Antipolo City while eating ice cream and talk about our lives or going on an arcade at a mall at his place. He loved that place. I listened to his funny stories, wisdom, and rants, and I always loved that. The simple things we do, was really treasurable for me. I really loved the feeling of taking care of him, and it wasn't a big deal for me.

Until such time that things got quite complicated, I hear a lot of bad things about him that makes me wonder if it was really true. At that point as well, I was going through some symptoms of depression and anxiety due to what's happening on my workplace and family problems. Part of it about him as well, it really adds up to my anxiety that caused me to overthink. I was never an overthinker before, but it just so happens that I turned to be one. I left my job, and I still get in touch with him but I still hear a lot of things that I can't believe. I still try to give the benefit of the doubt and try to protect him still, and one thing that people always tell me, "Get over him". I reassessed all over the things we had, and asked myself why do I need to get over him, and I slowly came to realize that I was really attached to this person, and was all blinded and neglected all the warning signs from this person. I know for a fact that he also has his reason why things happen on his part, and I was just really disappointed because he made me believe that he was all different from anyone else. I really looked up to him. I was though inspired to this person. That's when I learned that to never expect and you must only believe them when they actually practiced what they preached. People ain't perfect you know, but the fact that they made you believe that they are like this and all that, it would lead you to HUGE disappointments. I also learned to care less than I used to, and I wanted to think of myself even more.

I came to decide, to cut him off for a moment. I wasn't angry at him at all. I just needed to remove the attachment that I had with this person. Which was a huge mistake for me to get attached. It was so hard for me because in a span of a year and a half, I was there for him and now I have to slowly delete the cycle in my mind of this person whom I still don't know if it's true if he really did cared for me. I poured out all my courage and strength to say all the things that I wanted and the last message he replied struck me the most, "Go take your time to redeem yourself". I felt like he didn't want me to go, but I feel like I must do this for me. I felt like this is not good anymore. It was so heartbreaking that even at work or even walking on a sunny day, I randomly cry. I isolated myself from people because I am slowly becoming a monster and a toxic person, I became this person who passes negative energy, and at that point people were avoiding me and worst I loss some people. I became the person who I said I am not going to be. There was also one instance at work that I requested to switch mentors during my training because the way my mentor coaches reminds me of him in which makes me distracted and never really learn the work that I needed to do, it gave me a lot of anxiety as well. I felt bad because he was a really good mentor but I need to focus since I am eager to get certified at this company because it supplies my health needs. The good thing was he really appreciated me for opening up and for being honest. Now we are close friends, and she's my "yosi buddy".

In a span of time, I still have this symptom of depression and anxiety. I felt like everything was useless and going to work and taking a shower or even waking up feels like a chore. I was also isolating myself and was so quiet that I wanted to hurt myself again. I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts that my body is shivering and having a hard time going to sleep. There was this time that I couldn't sleep for almost a week and my body and brain still works actively. Until such time that I decided to get myself checked because it's already affecting my physical health, funny enough that I took a major in psychology and it happens that I will be an outpatient to an institution that I've dreamt of applying for an on-the-job training back in college. I consulted with a psychiatrist and figured out that I had this depression that wasn't clearly treated and now Bipolar symptoms were also occurring. I really had high temper and low patience as I observed. I always burst out of the blue and sometimes I go through a dark state in which I have the potential to hurt myself again. I've been like this since 2017, but never really had the guts to seek help. In the Philippines, mental health isn't really treated as though it's also a medical condition. They see it as a hoax or "pag-iinarte". They see mental health conditions visible in which if the individual is already like talking to himself or dancing around in public naked all in dirt for example. My family is not really a believer in mental health problems, in fact one time in 2017, I was rushed to the emergency room because I was hyperventilating and trembling. The doctor on duty advised to consult with a psychiatrist. My parents mocked me and laughed at me as if I'm just acting up. At that point, I never really opened up to my parents till then. It was really hard for me because no one understands you, your friends were there to listen but they don't actually understood as well. Now that I have the guts and I didn't bothered anymore to what people might say or think because I know that this is for my own sake. I was also struck to this generation that mental health is finally acknowledged but sadly, due to scarcity of facilities and specialists, treatments are very expensive and limited here in the Philippines.

Now, I am taking medical prescriptions like mood stabilizers and anti-depressants which are very expensive and I've been helping myself by reading self-help books that actually calms my mind and I really learn a lot of things! I was also glad that I've tried to seek help to my current company I'm in about my current condition and they are here to give options to help me without getting anything out of your pocket. I am very grateful that I am in a better place, and I want to keep in mind that there are things that I couldn't control and I only want to focus and appreciate the things that I have right now. My friends, my mom, my brother, and my cats. Some things may go or must need to let go for the better and it will actually turn out as a huge lesson for us. I am still on the process of moving on and gaining strength, I go out with friends and family from time to time, go on me-time dates and eat at restaurants that are part of my bucket lists. Though I still get relapses and kind of miss the person, and I still have this hope to see him again soon, but surely by that time, I will make sure that I am stronger and already healed. I hope he does too on his silent battles.

One thing that people must know that mental health matters and it is something that also needs attention just as the same with any other medical conditions. You may see people who functions well but you wouldn't really know what they are actually going through. So to anyone as well that might need to seek professional help but hesitant because of what other people might say or think, do it if there's a chance. It's for your own good. Help yourself and speak now before it's too late. Also, for everyone who is lucky enough for not having to go through this, let me tell you this, everyone has their battles to deal with, be fuckin' nice.

What's going on lately... (Part 1)

What a year! It's been a while since I last posted. I've been busy lately these couple of months and also gone through ups and downs lately. More of the downside honestly and by now I'm starting to get better.

To start off, one of the highlights was that a few months ago I got accepted to a good paying job with a similar role from my previous job which is a Travel Consultant. I've been through training and all that, later on I will talk about my training experience here on this company. Yeah, I was never really expecting to get accepted here, because its a HUGE company running for like for almost 200 years now. After I left my first job, I really took time to take some rest then little by little I was able to seek for other call centers that fits my experience and tenure, and of course it must be paying good. I only had 1 year and 6 months experience that time. But there are things that I've been grateful for from my previous company even though I only have few years of call center experience and that's when I was given a chance to take a trainer and support role. It was good thing that I didn't gave up that role. It was a huge value for me every time I apply for a job, I always bring it up to my interviews about my experience. They often ask me why did I have to leave if I am already growing at that company. I simply answer them, "Well, I wanted a new environment to learn more" which is I am craving for, I felt like I need more learning to this industry which is being a travel agent/consultant and of course again, it must be paying good. Hehe. I just really fell in love with the job of being a travel agent though it's mind boggling at times. During the course of my job hunting, I only applied for 2 companies which was where I am right now, and another one which was also well known but the pay is good but not comparing to where I am right now. Funny thing was I failed on this company then passed here. I don't usually believe in destiny but I felt like it. I waited for months for me to get started so I was really broke at that time. I was able to get a role but the recruiter has no exact starting date yet. I was really anxious that time because I was waiting for the uncertainty. Luckily, the company keeps on updating me every week and I was told that I will have to start by April tentatively. So I waited. While on waiting game, there was this church in Makati that I went on before I got a call from this company for an interview. So, I went there again for a prayer because I really believe in manifestation and prayers. One day, the recruiter contacted me if I am willing to start by March. I was so glad that I wouldn't have to wait that long anymore.

So to somehow cut the story short. Training was so fun and I get to meet a lot of people coming from different experiences from call centers. I learn a lot from them actually especially to our trainers and coaches, and I also met some has with the same experience and previous company as with me. I was the youngest on having call center experience among the team, and I felt challenged and proud of that. Why? For a year and a half I managed to get here knowing that this company is well-known and prestigious if you're going to talk about it in a call-center perspective. Though it's also a challenge because the fact that I only have few years of experience, I still have a lot of big shoes to fill in. In a call center world, you must be willing to adapt and learn in a short matter of time. It's a fast-paced world and uncertain due to management needs. So you must be flexible and ready in this world. So then, of course as part of the training you will also have to take in calls and meet all the metrics in able for you to get certified. I was really challenged at that point hitting all the metrics. At the first 2 weeks I get a lot of mistakes and a lot of things to improve. Honestly, I figured out that I was an experiential learner, and by the last few weeks I was able to get the hook of the whole process. During those times, I came to realize that all the learning that I acquired from my previous company still remains as a guide but the work-around is completely different from here. So, you must have to un-fill your glass again for at least and never resist to gain a new learning. You must follow your mentors because they are here to push you for the better. One of the metrics in able for you to pass or even get an incentive is you must have a survey and you have to target a specific handling time. But one thing I was really challenged about was my handling time. I often see myself over explaining and discuss a lot of things, and less of the rapport, I am a very transactional agent, I just want to get things done, but one thing I learned here is that in able for you to get a good survey is you have to leave a good remark to your clients, in a way that they wouldn't forget you aside from resolving their requests efficiently. I always ask to my team mates and mentors for advise on how to shorten the things that I must disclose to our clients for me to save my butt, and I also learned a lot of things when it comes to GDS processes. I came to realize that being on the travel industry is a really big spectrum because there are a lot of things to remember or be mindful of and some rules really changes. By that, little by little I get the hook of it. But I am still hungry for more like for me it's still not enough.

I was so close to get another week of remediation. During my last day of training, I already expected to be part of the remediation due to my high handling time. I was already expecting that our leader will be discussing it to me. But during my phone time, after that one stressful call, my coach told me "Huwag kang magalala Mau, ie-endorse ka naman ni LPS" and I hugged her so tight that I almost cried. In this world, you really have to value your metrics, because that's where all the money starts (incentives) and also the quality of the service you give will be a basis for the betterment of the management.

Luckily, I was able to get certified and be part of our graduation. I was so proud of myself of my achievement and was also thankful for our leaders who really fought for me and for the whole team. But other than that, I was really proud that I made it despite on what I was going through currently... (You may see it with Part 2)

ALIPIO, MAUREEN LOPEZ | The Grown Up Version (15 years later)

 Wow, it’s been years since I last used my tumblr account. I can’t fairly remember if this was the old account that I usually used. I think I was around 10 years old back when I discovered this social media “slash” blog platform. But anyway, I will try to make use of this platform again but on a new objective. Before, I kinda used this as like a facebook account since back then and this website was so hyped up, wherein we can freely post and see other people’s interests, somehow as well with relatable posts. Now, I think I’ll serve it as like my journal full of my thoughts and ideas. Basically my life, my journey, and my experiences. Though the top priority for this account will still go the same, which is I can say and make opinions about everything that I want to share. Well of course, this is my blog, obviously. I do hope that I can be consistent with this. 

So, where do I start? Well, a lot has happened through the course of time and A LOT has changed. Starting from my physical appearance of course, well I’m still that same fat kid they used to know since elementary. Though I tried to do some weight loss but I wasn’t that consistent. Second, is my environment. A lot of shifts has happened to me, but as they say, change is constant and you must be ready for those because that’s were growth is supposed to start. Lastly, my mindset. It really is time and experience do create wisdom. Though experience is very objective since we are not all born with the same shoe. You meet different kinds of people, learn a lot from them, and you also go through a lot of loopholes and accomplishments before you get to where you are supposed to be. Failure, relapses, regrets, and disappointments are also part of your growth, it’s part of being human of course. Thus, with all these factors, little by little you get to know about yourself. I firmly believe that you really create yourself. You may have those moments that you had no choice or those moments that make you believe in destiny, but at the end of the day, those choices or encounters are the ones that makes you, and its up to you if you want to either enjoy or endure living with it, or escape from it. Dreams and aspirations are as well a part of you, in which that if you wanted something, you have to earn and make your way to grab it. But the thing that you have to dwell in first is to get to know yourself, and the rest will follow. 

So story of my life, I was a girl who likes to prove herself in able to be in favorable for everyone else, and tries to escape when she feels unhappy. To be specific, I grew up in a a typical Asian life, going to a private school who takes piano lessons twice a week with a lot of expectations from her parents then suddenly transferred to a public school during my last 2 years in high school. Went on an engineering school that my father was expecting me to be in since he is a retired engineer, dropped out after 2 years, (Yeah, he got REALLY disappointed), then stopped schooling for a year to finally realize what I really want for my college life. Yes, college life. Sounds close-ended, right? To better explain, college is just part of your learning process and a preparation for your possible potential into the real world. It is true that as you step out of your academic life, that’s where the real battle begins. Your life suddenly gets on freestyle mode. Unless you have your plans made intact already. So then, I decided to take up my 2nd dream course, which is Psychology. My first choice or dream course was really Conservatory in Music in Piano. I wanted to pursue my potential in arts and music but I practically realized that my parents couldn’t afford that in the long run since the tuition fee was really expensive. So I chose what’s more practical for me. Though I was able to take up UPCAT and USTET back then. I passed with USTET for the music course, but I decided to take up what my father was expecting for me at first which is again, at engineering school. 

During my years as a private school girl, I was this timid and happy-go-lucky student back then. I was contented with only average scores unlike my other classmates who were really achievers. Of course, being that kind of student, I was always made fun by classmates. I was once a victim of bullying. Like they treated me as a “you don’t belong here” kinda kid. Trying to make fun on my physical appearance and how I do academically. Even some of my teachers back then used to made fun of me. I tried fighting back, but ends up I was never being favored nor listened to my side. That school taught me not to fight back even if it’s already below the belt or you’re already being betrayed by your so-called friends. But for me, I was just protecting myself. Until I reached the 2nd year of my high school at that same institution, I was starting to realize that I was enduring this kind of environment that is not meant for me all these years and ends up I do not have this kind of fulfillment for myself. Rooting these out, I need growth. Like I know I have a potential, it’s just that I’m in a wrong environment to start at. I spent my years there trying to fit in. Until I decided to try on going on a different environment. Which was in public school. I was encourage to transfer schools by one of my childhood friend who had the same situation as mine back then. I saw her enjoyed on her new school. So then, I explained to parents and at first they really refused because they kept on emphasizing the fact that all of my cousins were graduates of private schools (talk about social status though). But in the end, I was able to persuade them even though they got disappointed with my decision. But I always kept them in mind that it’s free tuition anyways. 

As going by my last 2 years in high school, as a transferee shifting from a private school to a public school, at first I was cultured shocked. The classroom management to be specific. Like we do not have any janitors! We are the ones who will have to clean our room which is a good practice actually. Also, in public schools we had a total of 21 sections in one grade level unlike in private schools we only had 4 sections maximum. As expected, since I was an average student in my previous school, I was placed at the last section, but I don’t mind. But so to speak, that was the best decision that I’ve made. I saw my potential as a leader and was able to experience by being a top student from our class. I made a lot of friends then and was able to meet who I consider as my home friends (my 4th year HS classmates to be specific) and up until this day, we are still solid as a rock. We had our matching tattoos actually! I felt motivated and contented at that time. Until we moved on to college. I was glad I still get to be with them because some of us end up at the same college, well at the first. 

College life. Ahh, a new environment. A little freedom as well. You won’t barely know who is who in college. There’s no such thing as hierarchy, like we are all the same, meaning to say it’s like we are a blank slate from the degree that we had chosen. We came from different schools, environments, and experiences. College is very expensive and that’s what I never realized. I wasn’t being practical to my decision. I already knew I really want, but I still chose to live up the expectations from my father and of the whole family. I remember back in engineering school on my 2 years that I spent, I thought I was going to ace this, but then to realize it really isn’t for me. Damn, I wasn’t really good in math. So as expected, I kept on failing my math subjects. I was really drained and really questioned myself that time. So then, I dropped and tried to explain to my disappointed parents until they helped me to go back to school again after a year. During my days being a dropped out, I tried to look for jobs but only to find out that being a high school graduate job seeker here in the Philippines is not enough to be qualified on most of companies. I was really fortunate that my parents tried to listen to me though it was really one of the tough decisions that we made. 

After college, that’s the time I was so pressured for life. I always asked myself, “what’s next?” or “will I get a job?”. At that point I was thinking if I was really prepared for the reality. So as the usual step for a college graduate is of course, look for a new job. I tried a couple of companies and roles related to my degree, which is on a corporate level which is the HR field. I even tried BPO companies of course to improve my communication skills. Luckily, I got accepted on a BPO company with a travel account. I said to myself, I will only try BPO for communication improvement, and so I thought. I spent my year there with a lot of learnings, mishaps and challenges. But I must say, that I enjoyed my stay here. Currently, I’m on my second job which is still BPO and travel account related, and I have a lot to talk about this experience. So, that’s what my life is currently at and wanted to talk about on my next blogs.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to so far. I do hope I could still write blogs for the next time. But hey, life goes on. Everyday is a fresh start. I will do my best to update here about what’s happening with my life and share about my thoughts and experiences. See you on my next updates!