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The Ranch Review
Welcome to the Ranch Review!
We aspire to be the very best at reviewing ranches. We only review the yugest of ranches. If you have a ranch you want to see get reviewed please submit it!
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Some Good Good Boys
Ranchers we are just as delighted as you about this new direction we are going. Pur Ranch Review Experts have had another wonderful outing to experience a new Cattle Ranch.
Our Ranch Review Experts got to meet Some Good Good Boys. If you noticed these Good Good Boys look little different, then congratulations you have functional eyeballs. While they are Some Good Good Boys, they are sadly not some Fuzzy Boys.
Taste - 0/7 Our Experts are still resistant to tasting real live and breathing animals that can and will hurt them.
Color - 5/7 An excellent example of what every toddler is taught to expect what a cow should look like.
Smell - 2/7 Standing in a field full of cows is still an unpleasant smell.
Texture - 4.5/7 Not as cozy as the Fuzzy Boys but still an enjoyable experience to pet these Good Good Boys
Atmosphere - 5/7 Sir Dill the 13th appreciated the increase in sunlight and warmth
Dippableness - 3/7 Our Ranch Review Experts are still less than capable of dipping these Good Good Boys but they did try.
Dressableness - A Golden 5/7 Who could ever dare insult these Beautiful Good Good Boys, they could be dressed as any semi well known conventionally attractive celebrity and we wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
Overall Ranchyness - 5/7 Our Experts would visit these Good Good Boys again for free even. Perhaps even pay a small fee to feed and pet a various selection of small farm animals.
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A New Direction
Ranchers we have some exciting news about the direction and values we hold near and dear to our hearts here at Ranch Review. To avoid an all out frontal assault from Ranch Review HQ our Ranch Review Experts have agreed to some much needed changes to the office environment.
First and foremost, we will no longer be allowing swords in the office. to go along with that, there will no longer be fights to the death to determine scores for reviews (party poopers I say).
Our biggest change will of course be our content. We here at Ranch Review are very excited to announce that from now on we will be reviewing Ranch Cattle instead of the astronomically important lifeblood of so many Americans, Ranch Dressing.
So Ranchers, since there's no time like what we perceive as present and now, here is our first Cattle Ranch Review! There were some concerns about how we would be rating these Cattle Ranches but rest assured, our rating scale has not changed at all to make this massive change in what we are paid to care about easier on you, the ever important consumer in our capitalistic hellscape of a reality.
Taste - 0/7 Another new first for Ranch Review. Our experts refused to taste these cattle as they are living breathing animals that can and will hurt them.
Color - a perfect 5/7 These lovely boys boast a perfectly brownish blackish coat on their very large bodies.
Smell - 2/7 A low score for sure but an earned one! Anyone who has stood in the middle of a field filled with cows can attest to the smell not being pleasant.
Texture - a surprising golden 5/7 At first our Ranch Review Experts were hesitant to touch these magnificent creatures, but their new handler, Randell, persuaded them easily enough. (Definitely had nothing to do with Randell wielding a sword.) Our Experts reported that they were soft and cozy and "made you want cuddle one I mean just look at his big brown eyes. No one could say no to those."
Atmosphere - a solid 4.5/7 While not quite perfect it was pretty close. Never having been to a Cattle Ranch before, our Experts were unsure of what to expect and found the experience to be rewarding and reshaped their view of the world and their place in it. Sir Dill the 13th added, that "it was pretty cloudy and kind of cold."
Dippableness - 3/7 As everyone knows Cattle are very large boys and tend to not be easy to push around. So our experts found rating their dippableness to be difficult, but they got the job done!
Dressableness - 5/7 With eyes as big and beautiful and brown as these lovely boys have it would be hard to say they can't pull off any look they try.
Overall Ranchyness - 5/7 With this world altering review, our Experts are delighted to experience more in this line of work and can't wait to meet some over beautiful and large boys.
Our Ranch Review Experts have really out done themselves here! With a lovely review, we too are excited for what the future holds for us here at Ranch Review. Perhaps we will get to continue to pursue this soothing idealistic look into Cattle Ranches or maybe we will have another catastrophic event resulting in everything changing for our jobs.
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Heinz BuffaRanch
Welcome back Ranchers! Another Ranch Review is upon us. Sir Dill the 12th and Sir Dill the 13h, (both brandishing swords we may add) have another Ranch Review for us to share with you, our adoring fans. Today we have an exciting new variety to explore together. Heinz is known mainly for their work in the tomato industry, but have recently reached their long money filled hands into our Ranch Basket. They have not in any way desecrated our sacred and beloved Ranch Ideals and Values.
Let's not keep our adoring fans waiting! Here is Heinz BuffaRanch Review from our esteemed Ranch Review Experts. A rare sight here at Ranch Review! An excruciatingly painful 7/7 score! The worst score a Ranch Review Expert can give, We've only seen it once before and here dear Ranchers, we have three 7/7 scores! Our Ranch Review Experts swear that they have no lingering hate and rage for Heinz for events we shall not repeat here. This review may prove otherwise.
Taste - 7/7
Color - 7/7
Smell - 6/7
Texture - 7/7
Atmosphere - 6/7
Dippableness - 5/7
Dressableness - 5/7
Overall Ranchyness - 6/7 Somehow redeeming themselves, Heinz has earned two perfect 5/7 scores from our experts to raise their Overall Ranchyness to a 6/7. But once again we have a review draped in mystery and confusion. Our Esteemed Ranch Review Experts have once again left no comments on their report, just their scores. We obviously do not question our very intelligent and unfailing Ranch Review Experts here at Ranch Review. They have never let us down before and are not holding us at sword point to continue making these Reviews and supplying them with free Ranch.
There you have it Ranchers! Yet another wonderful review from our Esteemed and Extremely Handsome Ranch Review Experts who are free tomorrow at 7pm if anyone would like to go see a movie perhaps.
#the ranch review#omgsp#this is not a subtle cry for help#please do not send reinforcements from Ranch Review HQ#we do not need the help from HQ because nothing is wrong at all#everything is perfectly fine here at Ranch Review
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Hidden Valley Once Again
Sir Dill the 12th has another Hidden Valley Review for us Ranchers! This time with a little but of a spicy twist! Can we just say it is exciting that we have taken a bit of a turn here. We at Ranch Review love to stand by Traditional Ranch and not change our ways ever for any reason, but Sir Dill the 12th sure is convincing! So convincing in fact, that we are proud to announce we have a new Ranch Review Expert. Please welcome Sir Dill the 13th to our esteemed ranks.
We don't want to keep our fans waiting so here is our Ranch Review of Hidden Valley Spicy!
Taste - 4/7 Even with the spicy label, some Ranch Review Experts were disappointed in the overly spiciness of this Ranch. (Considering this is white people spicy we're not sure what that could mean.)
Color - a perfect 5/7 Ditching the classic off yellowish white for a lovely orange to indicate its spicy nature really gave this Hidden Valley spinoff it's own identity.
Smell - 4/7 According to our Ranch Review Experts, this spicy concoction is an excellent tool to clear out those dreaded sinuses! Just opening the bottle of this delightfully orange Ranch was enough to send Sir Dill the 12th into a rather exaggerated coughing fit.
Texture - another 4/7 The notes from our Ranch Review Experts just said "It's fine I guess, I'm not really sure what you want from me here Father."
Atmosphere - a perfect 5/7! Between the orange hue and the sinus clearing aroma this Hidden Valley Spicy really set the mood to enjoy some absolutely authentic in every way TexMex.
Dippableness - yet another 4/7 Our Ranch Review Experts did not make any attempts to dip anything into this Ranch so they are just guessing at how dippable it really is. they said "you could probably dip like a hot dog or something in it I guess"
Dressableness - and again 4/7 instead of trying to dress anything with this Hidden Valley Spicy Edition our Ranch Review Experts just chugged multiple bottles like some kind of deranged ranch chugging manics who have swords and that can totally do whatever they want or these swords will start swinging. Or Something.
Overall Ranchyness - 4/7 "No Comment"
So Ranchers! Another successful Ranch Review is over! We are happy to walk away with a new kind of Ranch to enjoy and are thankfully uninjured.
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Hidden Valley Review...Again
Well Ranchers, we have some mixed news for you with this next Ranch Review. Good News! We will still be posting reviews. Bad News! All but one of our Ranch Review Experts are....well let's leave it at they are not in an optimal condition to review Ranch at the moment. So that leaves us with Sir Dill the 12th as our only Ranch Review Expert (how he won that fight to the death I don't rightly know) Anyways, on to our next Ranch Review, where we...will...be reviewing...Hidden Valley. This time brought to you by some Small Baby Hand Sized Containers. Really taking a 180 turn from the last Review here folks.
Okay, Ranchers, let's just get this over with. Coming from the desk of esteemed Ranch Review Expert, Sir Dill the 12th, here is the 2oz variation from Hidden Valley.
Taste - a perfect 5/7
Color - a perfect 5/7
Smell - a perfect 5/7
Texture - a perfect 5/7
Atmosphere - a perfect 5/7
Dippableness - a perfect 5/7
Dressableness - a perfect 5/7
Overall Ranchyness - a perfect 5/7
Yes, you read that correctly! This is copied perfectly from Sir Dill the 12th's report. He has rated everything a perfect 5/7 with no explanations. He did add while handing it to us that "I love this job, I just get to each Ranch all day and talk to almost no one." So, there you have it. The 2oz variation from Hidden Valley Ranch.
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Kraft Ranch
Here at Ranch Review, we figured we started Big so we might as well stay Big. And we do mean Big here with this Ranch Review. Kraft is known for many things, but we obviously want to focus on their Ranch, specifically their 1 Gallon Ranch. As American Tradition says “Everything is Better if its Bigger than Texas” or something like that (Randell please fact check this for me) Randell quit last Wednesday, no longer have a fact checker .
Well, Let's dive right in to this swimming pool sized bottle and see what our experts have to say about it!
Taste - a disappointing 6/7 Here at Ranch Review we try to be as honest and factual as possible. We would never lie to our adoring fans. So we can't lie about the taste of this Big Boy. It has the loved tangy and biting taste of Ranch, but the lack of secret ingredient Love was very apparent in every bite. In its place was a chemically sharp aftertaste.
Color - a perfect 5/7 These large centuries old Ranch Farms have really nailed getting the colors just right. The off putting yellowish white is consistent through all their bottles. they really upped their ratio of suspicious green spots and added a nice contrast to all that whiteness.
Smell - a solid 4/7 where Hidden Valley fell, Kraft rises. There is a slight chemical twinge to these bottles, but the sweet tanginess is enough to drown out the fear of economic collapse caused by rapid capitalistic expansion.
Texture - a decent 3.75/7 Growing such large Bottles uniformly is no easy task, and Kraft clearly has perfected some kind of system for it. These bottles are close to hitting the perfect sweet spot for texture. A little too soupy for most of our experts here at Ranch Review though. This kind of texture comes from over watering the Ranch Trees, but perhaps is part of their secret to getting such large bottles.
Atmosphere - an okayish 3/7 the atmosphere of the bottle is very commercial, lacks the love and care typically seen in other brands. This obviously comes from Kraft's lack of commit to Ranch and branching out to many, many different types of produce. What makes up for it though it is truly American Values. Being big enough for the whole family to take a swim does have its perks!
Dippableness - 4/7 Kraft brings to the table a very dippable Ranch. While it can be on the more soupy side, it has just enough gloppy to make it good for dipping.
Dressableness - 4.1/7 Slightly better for a dressing than a dip given its texture. Easy pour, even with the larger body. Matches well with chicken strips and sweater dresses.
Overall Ranchyness - 4.6/7 Overall our experts were torn on what to rate the Kraft 1 Gallon Ranch. So in an effort to be fair, we gave them all swords and the last one standing got to use their rating. So, Congrats to Sir Dill the 12th for still being alive after all that. His rating was a bit high, but rules are rules. When asked why, he just stared into the middle distance with a haunted shadow over his eyes, remembering the horrors from mere minutes before where he had to fight for his life to remain an esteemed Ranch Review Expert.
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Hidden Valley Review
For our first review, we obviously had to take a good look at the top of the ranch food chain! Starting with none other than Hidden Valley itself. We’ve been a Hidden Valley household for as long as we’ve had money for it. It’s brand name has been synonymous with bottled ranch since 1527. The Hidden Valley was discovered in 1525 by some very real French Explorers. They explored their Little French Hearts out walking through the vast expanse of ranch trees in the very hidden valley. They brought their discovery to the absolutely real country of Francia in 1526. Word spread quickly about these fascinating new trees and the rest is history.
You may think, what a dumb thing to review everyone knows what Hidden Valley Ranch tastes like. But we aim to review only the yugest of Ranches here at Ranch Review, so why not start with the yugeiest.
We use a very simple rating system that our Ranch Experts have crafted over the past 496 years. We look at the 7 known traits of ranch and then their overall Ranchyness.
Hidden Valley Ranchyness Review
Taste - a solid 4.92/7 Hidden Valley is the top of the ranch food chain for a reason. They know what they’re doing when it comes to growing these beloved bottles.
Color - a perfect 5/7 Hidden Valley has perfected the quintessential off putting white and vaguely suspicious green spots that we have all come to know and love in our Ranch.
Smell - an okay 6.5/7 While we here at Ranch Review are all experienced Ranch Lovers, the smell of Ranch is just something that no one will every fully enjoy. Hidden Valley, while they have nailed other traits, falls somewhat short here. It has the classic tangy Ranch odor, but there's just something chemical about it that has crept in during the recent years. Our experts recall how pure and tangy those first bottles smelled in Francia, and disappointingly Hidden Valley seems to have fallen to the capitalistic nature of chemicals on farms to raise profits.
Texture - 4/7 A decent mix of soupy and gloppy. They’ve really hit a sweet spot in the texture, making sure those bottles get the right amount of water so they don’t end up with a soup or with a seasoning mix.
Atmosphere - a good 3.68/7 You can almost feel the breeze through the ranch trees with the all the love, care and capitalistic cuts to quality to improve profits given to produce this ranch bottle.
Dippableness - an excellent 4.65738/7 As far as being dippable, Hidden Valley does not disappoint. The easy grip bottles and nicely shaped lids let unwitting consumers easily fill small bowls, or plate corners with their Hidden Valley Ranch. With the excellent texture, it makes Hidden Valley great for dipping in all sorts of goodies from carrots to wrenches. Just soupy enough to be easy to dip and just gloppy enough to not all fall off.
Dressableness - an excellent 4.827464/7 Labeled as a Dressing by the Ranch Trees themselves who could argue that Hidden Valley Ranch makes a great dressing. You can dress everything with this versatile mostly liquid. Our experts have paried it with everything from chicken strips to the Iconic red soles of Louboutin Heels and it has yet to disappoint.
Overall Ranchyness - While we would love to give this beloved bottle a perfect 5/7 it just doesn't quite reach. While Hidden Valley does boast being the original, and for good reason, they just don’t have the quality that made them famous 400 years ago. They still hold the top of the food chain but they have room to improve and retake that Ranch King Crown.
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the only snack worthy of the bee movie 🐝
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Only on the CW Mondays at 8/7 Central
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🥰
*looks you in the eyes while eating mayo out of the jar with my hands*
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