matheclipse
sáva
☆ 18, she/they, ukr/eng, adhd ☆
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My mother has borderline personality disorder. She gives me gifts because I am her daughter. She hurts me all the time. But I carry it, bury it, turn her pain into mine. She has ruined my marriage. But still he stays. She has ruined my house. But I am not homeless. And I count the many minutes before I'm burdened each day. I am neither weak nor boneless. They always say "if your mother was going to kill herself she would have already. As if suicide is thought of in one day. As if I have not been armed, prepared and ready. As if I don't have to pray. As if she was alive at 14 she will be alive at 49. My uncle did it at 30 my friend at 65. And another friend and another. But it won't be my mother. Because the d.r.u.g.s don't affect mums. Who have an abundance of daughters and sons. Because everything is a mental health fairytale. But you aren't there when things turn stale. And you aren't there through the abuse. And you haven't tried to take advice at the crack castle. Turning everything romantic. Dipping everything in scarves and tassels. You haven't watched her use. You have not been there for every delusion. Becoming a cult fanatic. Eating nothing but frozen pizza split between two junkies and a child. But yeah bpd is so cute and wild. But she couldn't possibly die ever. Because mommy's are forever.
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Allos are so weird about hugs and it's pissing me the fuck off
We LOVE hugs and physical stuff, can't get enough of them
So NATURALLY, we hug people we care about. A lot. And very "intimately" (aka for an extended period of time and very tightly) or we just generally cling and hold onto them
Or like, hold hands and stuff a lot of the time
Our friend kept looking at us like we were making out sloppy style right in front of her because we hugged our other friend who was upset "too intimately". And because we hugged/ held onto another one of our friends
She keeps making comments (not jokes. Comments.) about us looking like lesbians with our friend too and it's so fucking infuriating
1) why would that be a bad thing?????????
2) I WAS JUST HUGGING HER??????? At MOST you could call it cuddling but like??????
Like I'm FUCKING SORRY you don't get hugged enough??????
she doesn't like touch and I completely get that, we only are okay with being touched by people we trust/know too, but her not wanting to hug people ISNT MY PROBLEM??????
she also freaks out about other "intimate" things like our friend fixing our septum
anyways that was my aroace rant, goodnight chat
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Why I appreciate Kabru and Mithrun's relationship in the story (with pictures!)
I just want to express how much I loved reading through the chapter with the 6 days they spent together and how I think their relationship developed in a pretty sweet way.
I feel like a lot of people reduce their dynamic to "nurse and patient" and that makes me sad because I personally got a lot more from it than that.
I do wanna start off by saying I'm here appreciating their dynamic as it is in the text.
Read more (spoilers ofc):
The beginnings
When they first met, there was an air of intimidation surrounding Mithrun as the captain of the ominous Canaries. He demonstrates his proficiency as a fighter and leader which worried Kabru because he knew it would lead to the dungeon falling into elven hands once again. But this threatening aura begins to dim in Kabru's mind as they get to know each other.
Even before they fell down the hole, the both of them ended up relying on each other's abilities a number of times (when the underground governor turned out to be corrupted Mithrun defeated him and Mithrun needed Kabru's deduction skills during the battle on the first floor) which is already the beginning of a great dynamic
(Kabwu is scared but Mithrun just asks for his help)
After Cithis tasked him with "taking care of Mithrun's needs" for the time being, Kabru treated Mithrun with proper respect and doesn't take advantage of his disability, even using his title “Captain” when he knew Mithrun wouldn’t have cared either way after learning about how he lost his desires. This is in contrast to Cithis who immediately took advantage of her position to mess around with Mithrun when she was taking care of him.
(When Cithis was put in charge of taking care of Mithrun)
The whole time Kabru is with Mithrun, he treats him like a person and more than just someone to be taken care of, as also he relies on Mithrun's fighting skills, knowledge of the dungeon, and teleportation magic.
When you reduce their dynamic to just "caretaker and patient", you're ignoring Mithrun's own capabilities and making him seem totally helpless. It actually feels rather ableist. They have a more balanced relationship with what Mithrun brings to the table than you may think. Mithrun couldn't have survived down there on his own, but it's the same for Kabru (who famously dies every time he fights)!
Kabru doesn’t show signs of trying to manipulate Mithrun either, and he's no longer intimidated by him in the slightest once he learns he’s not a threat or after his life. Though he does instinctively revert to his "sparkly" persona to get Mithrun to eat the disgusting mushroom, it doesn’t work so Kabru just has him eat it normally and never tries it again. This is the beginning of Mithrun unintentionally encouraging Kabru to be more honest with others.
(Kabru realizing he can chill out)
(Kabru being unreserved and Mithrun being silly)
bonus funny moment:
Bonding
Throughout the journey they talked to each other, shared things with each other, and ate with each other. And Kabru expresses genuine concern about whether Mithrun is comfortable (which is something he could live without and wasn't something the Canaries told him to do).
(Kabru showing he wants to make him comfortable by making food for him which is a very important part of the narrative)
(Kabru sharing intimate memories with Mithrun)
(Kabru initiating conversation without hesitation or worry. This part also is referencing how Mithrun shared very important details of his life with Kabru. Kabru also ends up trusting Mithrun with information about Laios despite knowing he could possibly tell the other Canaries about him and impede his plans..which he does lol they do end up knowing about Laios before meeting him.)
For a bonus Lycion implies Kabru was taking better care of Mithrun than they had been which is interesting to me.
Mithrun also shows that he has come to trust Kabru's decisions over the Canaries' when he says he wants to stay in the dungeon after fulfilling the caretaker requirement. They did talk to each other a lot, during that time. I wonder what Mithrun's Shapeshifter double of Kabru would look like now?
Here, Kabru goes out of his way to make sure Mithrun doesn’t overexert himself by knocking him out after the demon leaves with Marcille (again, when his time taking care of him is already over), and I think that demonstrates an extra level of concern he holds for Mithrun.
(Kabru holding back a hellbent Mithrun)
(KNOCKOUT!)
He even managed to make Mithrun mad. It's probably because he "let the demon get away" but I think it's cute and funny because would he huff like that at anyone else? Lol
When the demon breaks through the surface
Kabru begins panicking after Laios turns into the giant monster because he's wondering if he made the right decisions etc. If Mithrun didn’t care about Kabru at least a little bit, he would’ve just left him alone when he started losing it (right after Marcille did the same thing and she is technically more to blame for empowering the demon than Kabru was for not allowing Mithrun to go after it), but he went out of his way to snap him out of it.
It also means a lot to me that Mithrun even says Kabru's name, because in Japanese you can go your entire life without referring to someone by name and it wouldn't sound wrong (just rude) and it's the first time Mithrun says Kabru's name on screen (I checked).
Though it was with a slap, I think it says a lot, because if Mithrun didn’t care at all he wouldn’t have done anything and left him alone. It's not like Kabru could've done anything to stop the demon. He didn't even to tell him to do anything even though Kabru looked ready for an order.
(To be honest I don't know exactly why Mithrun starts beating him up here but you can say it's another rare demonstration of emotion Kabru was able to evoke in him lol. Maybe it's payment for Kabru stopping him the first time. That can be interpreted as paying it back and/or paying it forward I think.)
The last few chapters
And in the end when Kabru’s motivating Mithrun to continue living his life, he speaks to him like they’re friends/have no rank between them despite using the Captain title for him the whole time. Even Lycion initially gets upset that he’s acting “too familiar” with Mithrun.
It feels like Mithrun changed so much in the short time he spent together with Kabru and before the final battle, and it’s thanks to Kabru that Mithrun finally starts to be able to move past his lingering obsession with the demon and begin to really heal.
This is despite the fact that he spent so much time with Milsril and the other elves who never managed to break through to him like that.
(Before Kabru) (After Kabru)
And even after his role as Mithrun's caretaker was loong complete, he still shows concern for Mithrun and tells him to take a break when he's using up all his magic to slice the Falin meat (lmao).
He didn't need to do that! But it shows how he at least slightly considers Mithrun some kind of friend.
It all culminates with Kabru helping Mithrun regain his wil to live and Mithrun confiding in Kabru. Their relationship is important. Kabru continuing to do things for Mithrun to me is more of a sign that he just plain cares about him. Isn't it normal when a friend needs medication for you to remind them to take it? I think it's like that.
Kabru is there with Mithrun when he comes out about his feelings of uselessness AND when Senshi helps him put a spin on the 'vegetable scraps' metaphor and he find meaning in his life again. He's the first one to see him cry :')
Along with the fact that it feels like Mithrun is the first person we see Kabru doesn't feel the need to change his personality with or put on airs for since Mithrun doesn't need buttering up and he won't get offended if someone were to say something socially awkward, I think they made a pretty good team!
BUT ALSO the REAL reason I became endeared to them is cute shit like this:
GOD I love them!!!!! There are so many funny sides to Mithrun Kabru was able to bring out, and really show his charm as a character. The true depths of their dynamic also grew on me over time :)
TLDR
All in all it’s so nice seeing how even though Mithrun is a really deadpan person, and Kabru is a really secretive and withheld person, they clearly seem to have developed some kind of bond with while they traveled together and even changed each other to an extent.
Doesn't Kabru feel more honest near the end? Maybe it's because of how much he talked to and shared with Mithrun during those 6 days so candidly...because they taaaalked a looooot like wow.
They mean so goddamn much to me. I don’t need them to be in a romantic relationship but I do want them to be together forever :'))) or like at least hang out when they have off time since they're still in the same country lol. Praying for Kui to make another side comic of them some time (crying).
Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I mostly arranged this because it makes me sad to see people reduce their dynamic to only one singular aspect.
Anyways ya...love 'em (heart hands)
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"C'mon, is it a proper way to greet your lovely friend? I haven't seen you in years!"
"I was busy" he grunts, taking another sip of his coffee. Damn, Gen always brews a really good one, it makes bickering with him difficult.
Asagiri knows that he should just wait for the wizard to wake up fully and he'll be more cooperative... but he just can't contain his curiosity. Something was clearly going on with his partner.
"With what? Hiding from your responsibilities?" Gen smirks.
"This is called work, dumbass"
"This is called bullshit, love"
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the tortured poets department sentence starters.
i was supposed to be sent away, but they forgot to come and get me.
i love you, it's ruining my life.
my husband is cheating. i wanna kill him.
thought of calling you, but you won't pick up.
who's gonna hold you like me?
who's gonna know you, if not me?
sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me.
everyone we know understands why it's meant to be. 'cause we're crazy.
who else is gonna know me?
i should've known it was a matter of time.
we could've played for keeps this time.
once i fix me, he's gonna miss me.
he told me i'm better off, but i'm not.
fuck it if i can't have him.
i might just die, it would make no difference.
fuck it if i can't have us.
'cause fuck it, i was in love.
i stopped trying to make him laugh.
how much sad did you think i had in me?
you say i abandoned the ship, but i was going down with it.
just how low did you think i'd go before i'd self-implode?
you swore you love me, but where were the clues?
i'm just mad as hell 'cause i loved this place.
i forget if this was ever fun.
no, i'm not coming to my sense.
i know he's crazy, but he's the one i want.
i'd rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning.
i'll tell you something about my good name - it's mine alone to disgrace.
you ain't gotta pray for me.
no, you can't come to the wedding.
it's gonna be alright, i did my time.
i will never lose my baby again.
ain't no way i'm gonna screw up now that i know what's at stake.
they said i was a cheat. i guess it must be true.
yes, i'm haunted, but i'm feeling just fine.
tell me i'm dispicable, say it's unforgivable.
am i allowed to cry?
i keep recalling things we never did.
someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts.
if it's make-believe, why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow?
they're gonna crucify me anyway.
what if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?
you don't get to tell me about "sad."
if you wanted me dead, you should've just said.
who's afraid of little old me?
at all costs, keep your good name.
you don't get to tell me you feel bad.
so tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is?
say they didn't do it to hurt me, but what if they did?
i'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?
i'm fearsome, and i'm wretched, and i'm wrong.
you caged me, and then you called me crazy.
i am what i am 'cause you trained me.
i can fix him. no really, i can.
come close, i'll show you heaven.
trust me, i can handle me a dangerous man.
you said i'm the love of your life.
well, you took me to hell, too.
what we thought was for all time was momentary.
are they second-hand embarrassed that i can't get out of bed 'cause something counterfeit's dead?
you're the loss of my life.
i can handle my shit.
he said he'd love me all his life, but that life was too short.
i can do it with a broken heart.
i'm so obsessed with him, but he avoids me like the plague.
i cry a lot, but i am so productive. it's an art.
you know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart.
i'm sure i can pass this test.
they said, "babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and i did.
'cause i'm miserable! and nobody even knows!
was any of it true?
who the fuck was that guy?
they just ghosted you. now you know what it feels like.
i don't even want you back.
you didn't measure up in any measure of a man.
were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?
'cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden.
i would've died for your sins. instead i just died inside.
i'll forget you, but i'll never forgive.
i haven't come around in so long, but i'm making a comeback to where i belong.
this town is fake, but you're the real thing.
the crown is stained, but you're the real queen.
you're the new god we're worshipping.
it's hell on earth to be heavenly.
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hi! i love your writing!!!! would you like to write about a hero who went undercover at the villain’s base and they fell in love? maybe they’re afraid that the villain will torture them for information after finding out their identity, but in reality the villain is still in love and possessive of them?
Hero's hands twitch at their sides, a sweat starting to bead on their face. They try swallowing, anxiety making their mouth dry. Villain has been quiet for several minutes now, brow pinched together.
Staring at the evidence that exposes Hero's betrayal, the proof of their undercover mission, their face is unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, they speak.
"You've been working against me this whole time." Villain's voice is tight, like a cord ready to snap.
Hero's heart lurches, pulse drumming in their ears and fear making their knees wobble. What would come next, now that their secret was revealed? Torture? Imagining all the ways Villain could inflict pain upon them, making them spill their secrets made Hero shake even more. Death is certainty. Villain would not forgive this.
"I- this isn't- I wasn't..." Hero fails to find the right words, floundering now as they try and steady their voice.
Villain looks them directly on now, and Hero finds the pain in their face, the anger, to be more cutting than they ever imagined.
"Was the...was the way you looked at me fake too? The way you spoke with me, the way you'd let your touch, your gaze linger." Villain speaks with a fire in their voice now, eyes steel, "Was that all fake? Apart of your mission? To make me think you felt something for me."
Flushing hot at the accusation, Hero is quick to defend themselves, throwing their hands up as they try to reason.
"No! Of course not! That...that wasn't part of my mission." Hero speaks now with less fear, emboldened as they speak only the truth.
"I wasn't supposed to develop feelings...but I did." They find Villain's eyes watching them with an indiscernible emotion as they continue. "I won't lie and pretend I wasn't undercover, but how I felt about you wasn't fake."
Hero's cheeks feel warm, as they realize they're admitting their feelings now. To a villain who's likely to torture them any minute now, no less.
Stepping closer now, backing them up against the wall, Villain is silent for several moments. They reach up, grabbing Hero's wrists as they exam their face for any falsehoods.
"You truly have feelings towards me?" Villain finally asks. Hero nods mutely, not breaking eye contact. They feel their heart racing as Villain steps closer.
Villain pulls them by the wrists, reaching for their own belt and quickly binding their arms with a pair of cuffs. Hero has no time to react, and immediately feels their panic rising. Oh no, this must be where the torture starts. The roaring of their own heart is so loud in their ears they almost miss what Villain says next.
"You obviously can't be trusted around secret information anymore, or the weapons room, for that matter. I'll have to keep you in one of my rooms." Villain muses, as they pull Hero along now, not letting them drag their feet.
"...What?" They don't understand what they mean by this. Villain snorts, rolling their eyes.
"Well I'm not letting you go, obviously. Even if wasn't worried about you taking secret info back to the enemy side, I want to keep you here." Villain's voice is lighter now than from when they first discovered their betrayal.
Hero gulps, looking back up at them. "You're not going to torture me?" They ask hesitantly.
Villain barks out a laugh. It's a rough and warm sound, and it makes Hero feel even more weak.
"Of course not. I'm going to keep you here, I'll make sure you're comfortable, but I'll be damned if I'll let you leave me now."
"I don't understand...why?"
Villain pulls them closer by their bound wrists, their chests nearly pressed together now. Hero can feel their breath across their cheek, lips inches away.
"I'll let you in on another secret, my lovely little spy," Villain begins, voice barely above a whisper now. "I've come to love you, too."
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