dent Photograph taken by Mark Havriliak

Dumb photographed by Mark Havriliak

All Star photographed by Mark Havriliak

Can’t die without them. Photograph taken by Mark Havriliak

Doc Martens 1460 photographed by Mark Havriliak

NYC punk Doc Martens taken by Mark Havriliak

Dive at me

I hate to break this to you but there are lesbian relationships that involve penis because there are trans lesbians with penises. There are lesbian relationships where everyone has penises in them.

Sorry* to burst your transmisogynist bubble.

*Lol, I’m not sorry.

Feel

    It's cold, you can see every breath he takes, and you can see how nervous he is by the dancing of his hands. His knuckles are red and raw from the cold and his face feels numb.*Chu-ku* An oddly familiar clicking sounds vibrates from behind him and enters his ears. His chest feels heavy, ears hot, and stomach in knots. A hot feverish sensation enters his head, and then he opens his grey empty eyes.

    Josh nonchalantly slaps his alarm clock off and trudges off to take a shower. After eating and getting dressed he sits in his shoddy old Saab waiting for his brother Chris. Chris is Josh's younger brother and has never been to talkative, he's quite introverted, and usually spends his time alone in his room or out with his friend Paul. Chris gets in the passenger seat and they once again have their routine morning drive to school. Not too many words are exchanged beside the polite "hello" and "how are you?" Soon enough they arrive at "Middleton High." Middleton High is mostly an average school, there is a fair amount of students, normal high school cliques, good and bad teachers and of course sub par food. Josh goes to his first period class; English. It usually starts of the same, each student takes their seat and does their typical "Do Now" assignment, then their teacher Mr.Bloque has them do some writing assignments and take notes. Mr.Bloque isn't the normal teacher, he served two tours in Iraq and returned home due to his daughter's cancer. A year after coming back, she passed. Soon after that he started shutting his wife out, he couldn't bare to be near her as she reminded him of his daughter and how he wished he could've been with her more instead of being off in Iraq. His wife ended up leaving him and all he had was an empty house and a full bottle. Mr.Bloque is Josh's only friend in his school. He sits in his room every day for lunch. Josh can't really feel. He lacks fear and empathy so he has issues making friends and relating with people. Despite those plagues, him and Mr.Bloque are able to have stimulating conversations, they're usually about current events or mutual interests.

    Mr.Bloque walks to the front of the room and asks each student to take out a piece of paper and write out what they strive for in life. Josh just writes down one phrase, "to feel." Besides English class Josh really doesn't have any interest in his classes, they're all just tedious lectures to him. Soon enough school finishes and Josh returns home as usual while Chris is off somewhere with Paul. Josh just sits in his driveway for a while. He just sits and thinks, he wants a connection, he wants to feel. After spacing  off for a good twenty minutes he goes into his house and does his usual routine. He sits for an hour reading and then joins his mother to watch some mindless TV. She's pretty out of it, at this point in life she doesn't do much but clean the house, buy food, and eat Xanax like candy. She wasn't always like this, but as life continued her marriage started to wither. She's still with Josh's dad, they don't want to get divorced until the kids are out of school. They think that getting a divorce will hurt the boys. But in reality Josh and Paul could care less, their parents just act civil and polite like they're only strangers. Chris comes home at five and then an hour later their dad comes home. They all sit down to eat the dinner that's been prepared an hour earlier and they have meaningless small talk. No one is really close in the family, they all just do their own thing. The boys keep to themselves, their mom makes dinner and does her usual routine, and their father leaves early for work each morning and goes hunting on the weekends. That's his escape, some people have booze or women but he has hunting.

    Dinner is done and then each member of the family flies into their own sky. Josh lays in bed thinking, he thinks a lot,  mostly  about a life where things are different. Where his family is normal, where they talk, not like strangers but like a family where everybody cares. His thoughts fade and his body relaxes. Once again he's sitting there in the bitter cold, his hands grip the wheel tight, eyes running everywhere, they can't decide on where they want to go. This time he sees a building, red bricks full of cracks and full of character, he focuses hard on it. Things are seeming familiar, then he hears it *Chu-ka*

    His eyes open quick and suddenly. His day floats by like a boat on the water, he just sits in each class thinking, wanting. His eyes wander over each student as he studies their reactions and emotions, it all seems so simple for them, they're not even trying. He ponders about feelings but soon sees Jessie. Jessie's brother died a few years ago after a car crash. Josh remembers when Jessie heard the news that her brother was in the hospital and that he was critical condition. Jessie was so afraid, she was weeping and shaking, so afraid that her brother would die, so afraid that her times with him would halt. He doesn't understand it, why can't he feel afraid, why can't he experience that?

    Days go by like minutes, the same rut Josh has been is becoming deeper and deeper. His lust to feel grows stronger. He starts to engage in self destructive activities. He tries ecstasy. but despite his hopes that he would feel something new, something real, all he feels in tingly. He even tries letting flames and razor blades have short hikes on his arms but it just stings and makes him wince. Eventually he tries cliff jumping, despite the rush that others get he just feels empty, like an old hollow rotting tree.

Josh feels fed up with trying to feel, he decides to drift with the ever so mundane undertow called life. He continues to dream the same odd scenario, but each time things become less cloudy. Despite his developing dreams his mom is still numb as ever, his dad is still emotionally distant and gone like usual, but Chris is just gone. He comes home at the end of the day with out a "hello" or even a sign to acknowledge his cheap charade of a family.

    Sunday he comes back with Paul, still no acknowledgment of his family. Monday morning rolls around and Josh sits in his car in the driveway in the cold nippy air. Finally Chris comes around once again, but this time Paul accompanies him, oddly enough have completely stuffed backpacks and small curling grins. They both get into the back seats of the car and they go. Eventually they become delayed at a stop light right in front of their school. It's still cold as ever and Josh's lungs hurt from the sharp air. Every breath he takes come right back to say "hi" in a condensed form. He stares at his school, he sees the shrubs, the cars parked and the old weathered bricks of the strangely normal building itself. He hears some ruffling and rough noises coming from the back seats. He peers into the mirror and sees something that froze him and sunk his heart. He hears the ever so familiar *Chu-Ku*, he sees his dad's weekend tools. He feels his stomach knot and become tight. This is it, this is fear. Then all at once his heart races, his head and ears burn hot, and then he ever so abruptly stomps on the gas pedal with his eyes locked on the nearest building in sight. Smoke goes up, metal buckles and bends and loud banging sounds go off.  Josh finally felt.