madi2112
The Battle Within
This Blogiary (tm) is the continuing saga of your average 61 year old transwoman who is both transitioning and a recent Cancer survivor. I'm documenting my occasional successes, epic failures and the struggle it takes to just be myself.
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Is Shiloh a Metaphor?
Goodbye to my friend and my only companion.
Shiloh has been ill for a while now.
It all started when my housepest brought thier f****n dog with them. I should have never allowed it. Any of it. But guilt over my stay at a friend's house while I was fighting cancer drove me find maybe some "payback karma".
Little did I know Shiloh would pay the ultimate price.
He was harassed tormented and bullied by that dog.
Then infested with fleas and parasites the dog brought in.
Shiloh became a shell of his former self.
He lost a lot of weight, couldn't control his "bodily functions ", took off 2/3 of his fur and often disappeared for days at a time.
He ruined rugs in every room, blankets, comforters, pillows, clothes, sofa, chair, cabinets, my mattress and left stains all over the floor.
I'm convinced he abandoned the cat box due to a lack of privacy because of the dog.
It also is my fault as keeping myself busy with work and volunteering so much. This left him alone for long stretches. Often days at a time.
He was miserable and so was I.
So today was the day to take him to the shelter so maybe he can go to a better home.
But he is most likely going to be put to sleep. Which the person at the shelter tried to prepare me for.
So today at 4:19 pm Shiloh was taken through the door where he will spend his last few hours.
I haven't stopped crying 馃槩 yet.
I hate myself for having to make that decision.
But he was suffering.
I feel in a lot of ways Shiloh was like me. Once we became too much of a burden we were sent away to never return.
Because others would be better off without us. We just became too much.
But unlike me, I wonder if I acted too early in surrendering Shiloh. I have second thoughts about what I did.
No one has second thoughts about me.
I already miss Shiloh so much. He would always sit on my bathroom counter and keep me company as I put on my makeup.
He was always hiding and getting into spots he wasn't supposed to be.
In less then a week I'll have my house back. I kicked out my housepest and plan on giving my home a serious make over.
Even when that is all done my house will forever feel different.
No Shiloh to greet me, no games of fetch, no snuggles.
I will be completely alone.
As is my lot in life.
Goodbye Shiloh RIP 馃槩
~Madison
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Saying goodbye
Saying goodbye is tough to do.
Really tough at times.
Especially when you know the date and time it will happen.
Especially when it's something that has to be done.
Especially if it you don't really want to.
Especially if it reminds you of how others have treated you in the same way.
Especially when you remember when it was good.
Especially if it is for the best.
But still it's tough. So very tough.
So incredibly tough.
~Madison
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馃幎 Empty Spaces 馃幎
My collection of Desert Island Disc's is filled with concept albums.
The top amongst them being "The Wall" from Pink Floyd.
That album is definitely a listening experience more then just a collection of songs.
One track from that album really sums up my life right now.
"Empty Spaces" (technically a reprise of the song "What Shall We Do Now") is simple one.
Only four lines of lyrics.
My life right now is all about filling the empty spaces to keep the loneliness from debilitating me.
It's why I keep a crazy busy schedule. The long list of volunteer shifts, the many different roles I take on at work, the vacations, etc.
If I keep myself active and engaged mentally it leaves little time to visit those empty spaces.
<Sangria University and bowling night with Equality Florida >
I am still fighting the inevitably of spending the rest of my life by myself and then eventually dying alone.
I can't begin to comprehend how anyone would want me.
With good reason.
The market for 60+ year old lesbian transwomen with health issues and minimal financial benefits is a non-exsistant one.
Yet there I am.
So really my sole reason for being here is finding new ways to fill those empty spaces.
Until the end comes.
~Madison
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Madi's Meanderings vol. 38
In addition to a good waterfall I also enjoy a good cavern.
Not far from Culpepper VA, when I've been chillin' these last four days is Luray Caverns.
Like many caverns they are often lumped in the "tourist trap" category. Some more then others. But I havd found most to be an interesting place to stop for awhile and are always fascinating to visit.
That doesn't mean they aren't tourist traps either. The high entrance fees and tacky gift shops that are often present are telling signs.
But I go anyway.
The Luray Canerns were much larger then some I have been in and the "hit my head" factor was much less. Which is always an issue when your too tall.
<the people in the lower middle helps show how big these caverns really are>
There's even a room that has an keyboard which makes music using the stalactites as part of the tone.
Plus a wishing well you could toss coins in which are then given to charity.
There were other things to see in the area around the cavern entrance including a toy museum a display of early automobiles and more but my legs were too sore to walk much today (see yesterday's Go hiking with me! entry for details)
A bit pricey at $34 for tickets. But like a good waterfall I'm always a sucker for a good cave.
And Luray Caverns were good.
~Madison
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Go hiking with me! Part 18
The Whiteoak Waterfall Trail
The Trail:
It felt like two trails. One that was fun, very scenic and had lots of waterfalls.
So many waterfalls.
The second trail was exhausting , a struggle to complete and completely kicked my ass.
The difference?
Downhill vs. Uphill.
When I saw this trail on the map I knew I had to hike it.
Because anything referred to as a "waterfall trail" is something I'll never pass up.
And it was certainly worth the visit.
So many waterfalls.
At least 6 of 50' or more, dozens between 10' and 40' and probably hundreds in the 5'-10' range.
The trail follows a stream that becomes a river as it drops over 1600' from the top to (almost) the bottom of the canyon area.
There were lots of wet parts to hike through plus stairs, rocks and obstacles to climb around.
After a few hours I did find a nice place to set up my portable hiking chair and have lunch.
Not a bad spot. Huh?
The trail had a very steep downhill incline.
Which also meant it had a very steep uphill incline to return to the parking lot where Mitze was.
There was more to the trail but after 3.5 miles I needed to get started going back.
All uphill.
This is where the trail changed character for me.
It was the first time I felt like I had over estimated my ability and was thinking I had severely "bitten off more then I could chew" .
It became a test of my endurance and stamina and stubbornness to complete this hike.
The waterfalls and scenery faded to the back ground and it become solely about getting it over with.
At some points I was hiking (practically climbing) for 100 feet and resting for 30 seconds to catch my breathe.
That pattern went on for miles.
After a few extra hydration stops and a few extra snacks I finally made it.
Sore, tired, sweaty, and a proud of myself for actually finishing.
The Wildlife:
A few more deer as I drove back along the road. Nothing on the trail though.
The Stats:
I do wish I could have made this hike in the fall when there was color in the trees. Right now there was only a whole lot of brown.
~Madison
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Go hiking with me (twice)! Part 17
Shenandoah National Park edition.
Hike one: Mary's Rock.
The Trail:
The opening portion, know as the Meadow Branch Trail, was a steep uphill climb from the parking lot to join the Appalachian Trail section.
The parking lot was on a turnout after a cool little tunnel. Something we don't ever have in Florida
There were no signs marking the Appalachian Trail to take a photo of, but I was on a (very small) portion of this legendary hiking trail.
I did only about 1/1000 of the trail. But knowing everyone who has ever completed the thru hike has been on this exact section is still a nice feeling.
The view from Mary's Rock was good. A bit windy as a brief storm was rolling in though.
The Wildlife:
No sightings on the trail, but saw a group of 6 deer grazing by the side of Skyline Drive.
The Stats:
Hike two: Dark Hallow Falls.
The Trail:
From the Skyline Drive parking lot, the trail is all downhill. Which also means it's all uphill for the return trip.
By starting at the top you get to watch the small stream as it adds more water and speed to make an impressive set of Falls.
The Wildlife:
No sightings
The Stats:
Over all, two very fun hikes totaling over 5 miles. Each with a different set of equally thrilling views.
~Madison
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Is Shiloh a metaphor?
In order to "take back" my house I've had to make some difficult decisions.
Some more difficult than others.
So I did what I always di when faced with a big decision.
I came up with a plan.
Part one of the plan was asking myself what I needed, what I wanted and what were my expectations.
Part two is decide how this was going to happen. What steps need to be taken, what steps am I willing to take, and at what cost?
Stap three is how does this make me feel? What are the consequences and am I willing to accept them?
Step four. Execution
~Madison
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Go hiking with me! Part 16
Whitewater Falls
Another rainy day.
While I don't have any issue hiking in the rain it is an issue on mountain type trails.
Really, the rain problem is solved with a poncho (for me) and rain cover (for my backpack).
It's the footing that makes the rain such an issue.
Unlike Florida (thank goodness) the elevation changes, rocks, stairs and drop offs are not someplace I want to go for a tumble.
Even though I could get some trail time in between storms it doesn't mean the trail was good to hike on.
Today's Whitewater Falls Trail was nice but one I had to cut short.
The Trail:
A great mountain trail, but muddy. Lots of stairs to the falls viewing area then more stairs to the rest of the trail!
<Slippery When Wet>
The Falls were great. What I could see of them in the low lying clouds that were causing the rain.
The Wildlife:
No sightings.
The Stats:
As you can see about 300 ft of elevation change meant a steep trail.
Plus that was 300 ft down, then 300 ft. back up too!
~Madison
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Toccoa and Dry Falls
I love a good waterfall.
I especially love them when I don't know a lot about them.
So far two waterfalls have surprised me already this trip.
At 186' the Toccoa Falls were definitely taller then I expected! I was guessing half that!
I had only seen passing pictures of Dry Falls and this one was far more impressive than I expected.
The volume of water was large due to the rains theses last few days and the chance to walk behind it is always a treat!
<The backside of water!>
Lots more waterfalls await!
~Madison
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Go hiking with me! Part 15
Toccoa Falls
I'm not sure how I missed this water in my previous travel but I'm glad I found it this time!
The Trail:
I did two trails here. One was to the falls the other a trail near the falls.
The one to the falls wasn't a trail, just a paved walkway a couple of hundred years long.
But what a waterfall it was!
The trail leading away from falls was also interesting. Called officially Deadman Branch Trail.
Lots of fallen trees to climb over, under or around.
Unfortunately the weather has not been ideal for hiking with rain showers frequent.
This means I had to cut my planned 4 miles into much less due to muddy trails and wet slippery rocks.
The Wildlife:
No sightings
The stats:
2.6 miles
210 ft. Elevation change
1:18 time hiking.
Overall great falls, nice trail. Rain being the only down part.
~Madison
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Madi's Meanderings vol. #37
Gotta get away
The last time I took even a short trip to just chill was in early December.
Since then its been a day here, or there was all I had and a lot of those where doing volunteer work.
So yesterday I changed all that and hit the road. Mitze was gased up. Had a fresh oil change and was packed.
I'm heading to Virginia to Shenandoah National Park.
With a stop in Cashiers NC on the way.
Only some loose plans. Some hiking and sight seeing.
I had to get out of my own house as I prepare to take it back when I return.
I'm getting rid of everything (and everyone) that has me dreading going home and being nothing but angry when I do get there.
But first some chill time.
I need it.
~Madison
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Is it time for a revisit?
Another whole lifetime ago I was a huge sports fan.
A regular, "pace around the room, yell at the television set during tense moments", type sports fan.
Being raised in the Southern California area that meant Dodgers, Lakers, Rams, Kings and Angels.
It's what was expected of me as I had been forced to Cosplay a male all those years.
I was actually a very talented Basketball player. Had a 40 inch vertical jump and won dunk contests often (not kidding!!)
After I finally took the initiative to be my authentic self that changed completely.
I stopped watching, or even caring about, almost all sports.
I still had an interest in golf, but as a player and not much as a spectator.
I did catch a few minutes of the Rams Superbowl victory a couple years ago. Even that was more of a "yeah, that's kinda cool, but whatever" reaction to things.
In fact, the last time I purposely watched Basketball was Kobe Bryant's last game 8 years ago.
Until last night.
Thanks to Caitlyn Clark I stopped by a local restaurant and sat in the bar area where multiple television screens were showing the Iowa vs. Uconn womens semifinal game.
I cheered and let the excitement of the game take hold.
I have to admit it felt pretty good.
Besides it's what women do, we support each other.
Maybe next I'll go to an Orlando Pride womens soccer game. Maybe find other women's sports to keep an eye on.
But first, tomorrow is the Final Game. Iowa vs. South Carolina
Go Caitlyn!
~Madison
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Out of left field
In a real WTF have I gotten myself into moment (a phrase I will be repeating often over the next seven months) I find myself in an unfamiliar yet exciting situation.
No, unfortunately it has nothing to do with my crush.
I'm still working up the courage to do anything about that one yet.
No, this is something far more out of left field.
I'm going to be working with The Osceola Arts Theater to put on an art exhibition featuring transgender artists.!
Once again I say, WTF?
This opportunity, of course, grew out of an incident that happened last week at the theater where I do some volunteer work.
I detailed that encounter in the entry "Anytime, Anywhere ".
In review, the art display in the theater lobby where I volunteer had a wildly transphobic peice on display.
The peice was like a punch in the gut so I resigned as a volunteer and told them why.
To their immense credit they responded within a few days (I sent the email on a Friday night, afterall) with an apology and a reasonable explanation.
During the reply email the person at the O.A. floated out an idea to host art done by the LGBTQ+ community and wanted you know if that was something worth pursuing.
I said I was in favor of it, but the reason the art pice currently on display caused the reaction it did in me was because the Transgender community has been under so much attack lately from the Florida government as well as state governments nationwide and the display in the theater lobby felt like piling on in the very place where I volunteer my time.
She then suggested how about an exhibit showcasing the thoughts and experiences of transpeople?
I said that would be fantastic!
She offered me the opportunity to help put on the exhibit and had a opening on the calendar.
She also set up a meeting so we could go over the details.
So just like that BAM! I am helping to put on an art exhibition featuring transgender artists and themes!
In Florida!
The dates are November 7th to December 7th 2024.
The meeting to go over the logistics is on May 1st at 11am.
In the mean time I'm compiling a list of questions and ideas.
After all, this is new territory for me.
But bring on the challenge!
I can't wait for the transgender community to have a voice and be seen!
~Madison
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Go hiking with me! part 14
Kolokee Loop Trail
The Trail:
Loved this hike! The trail was well marked, easy to follow and had some nice scenic elements to it.
There was enough elevation changes to keep it from being flat and boring (which often is the case in Florida).
There were 8 bridges and crossings to add interest and sections of the trail that were right along a mid-sized river.
I was never bored in the 5.5 miles or felt like I was just logging in time and distance. There was always something to keep your attention.
The Wildlife:
Besides the usual Florida Mix (squirrels, lizards, etc) I did spot a turtle, 2 Alligators and a deer.
The Stats:
Definitely a hidden gem of a trail here in Central Florida!
~Madison
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Just thinking out loud for a few minutes.
For the last 8 months My Crush has used a picture of her and I as the profile picture on her social media accounts.
An honor I was quietly thrilled about.
I never saw another person in that spot for her accounts previously. Only location pictures and the occasional posing with a Disney character.
Last night she changed the picture of us to one of her with Donald Duck.
I was a tad dissapointed, but after 8 months I figured it was going to happen sooner or later.
I did do something unusual (for me) and sent her a light hearted message about the change.
After seeing a response like that is it any wonder I'm confused as all hell??
Right now we are just friends and only communicate occasionally. We have run into each other in person randomly on a regular basis.
In fact, the two message from March 2nd at the top of the screenshot make reference to that very subject.
After trading messages for about a half hour this little gem came up.
The top of the screen is in response to an edited copy of the photo we took togather at Epcot I sent to her.
Please ignore the spelling errors. I get a bit nervously excited when I'm interacting with her.
Our conversation continue on about travel, her upcoming vacation to Japan and more.
Until she told me it was time for her to shower and get ready for bed!
Am I reading more into this then there is? Is my wishful thinking clouding my judgment? Is hope playing tricks on me?
I harbor deep doubts anything could happen. I'm more than 15 years her senior, a transwoman and I'm not even sure of her preference in partners.
Still maybe....
There is something there. Maybe she is as shy as I am. Maybe those messages aren't as platonic as I think they are. Maybe those very long tight hugs have meaning to them.
I hope so. Because just thoughts of those things squeeze my heart like nothing else.
I hope.
As Andy Dufrene says "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things"
Still the question is "What do I do next?"
~Madison
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Anywhere, anytime.
Over the last 15 months I have volunteered at a lot of places.
One of the places I have helped out with consistently is Osceola Arts and the theater.
Unfortunately that ended tonight.
Because there's nothing like a nice does of transphobia to ruin my opnion of a place.
I thought it was a safe place.
I thought that someplace dedicated to the arts would be supportive.
I was wrong.
Tonight was the premiere of the musical 42nd Street.
I was looking g forward to seeing the play because I know someone in the cast. A great energetic guy who facilitates classes at Disney University with me.
It was also my chance to tour the art exhibition that began on March 2nd for Women's History Month.
But not all women.
As is evident by this.
A display by an obviously transphobic terf hung on display.
It's incredibly dissapointing to have this type of display which only fans the hate and anti- transwomen rhetoric.
It just ruined the night and left a bad, bitter opnion of the place that's willing to include this.
It's a slap in face to all transwomen and especially to me as I volunteer my time here.
Well, used to volunteer my time.
Just goes to show you, there are transphobic people that can pop up from anywhere at anytime.
Which I know. still it sucks everytime it happens.
~Madison
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Go hiking with me! Part 13
Highland Hammock State Park
The Trail:
Well marked. Easy to find each route. Well maintained and definitely a unique feel and ambience to the park. Mosquitoes were more prevalent then usual, but with lots of water around that's to be expected.
The Wildlife:
I heard a lot of sturing and rustling among the vegetation, but never really saw too much wildlife.
What I did catch a glimpse of was rather standard stuff during hikes in Florida. A racoon, squirrels, lizards etc.
At one point I did spot a few rather odd looking large creatures a little father back from the trail. I did grab a quick photo:
The Stats:
Overview:
Ok. Ok I confess. The photo of the animals is not one I took. But the atmosphere of the park and the trails felt like it could have happened at any clearing.
The ferns, swampy conditions, the low level palm trees, the humid air and think growth all made it feel very primeval and like I had gone back to the jurassic time period.
Even the walkways above the swamps were simple and rugged.
All in all an interesting place to spend some time looking around.
~Madison
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