hrt week #12, 13, 14, 15, 16 & 17

4/20/18, 4/27/18, 5/4/18, 5/11/18 & 5/18/18

a lot has been going on

so i had to crunch down for finals which is why i disappeared for a while. the good news is ive graduated! and even though im out of school life has still been stressful. work sucks, my friends are all over the place vomited the other night AND day for 10 hours straight, i still dont have my injections down right, and i stabbed myself wrong and the needle went down too far

on the bright side, my voice is becoming more masculine, the hair on my face is becoming a problem, i got closer to some friends, made new ones, and now i have a crush on someone for the first time in like 3 or 4 years

shits been intense

i also had some family issues but rest assured theyve been taken care of. anyway i didnt plan to write much because i havent had much time to focus on my experience

later!

hrt week #11 4/13/18

well other than t today has been a very significant day in my life

this is pretty irrelevant, but today was the anniversary of homestuck and that particular web comic really helped me discover who i am as a trans individual. it was the kickstart of my interest in writing, drawing, and otherwise feeding my creativity. not only that, but its friday the 13th! my favorite number is thirteen and ive decided to live a positive life and treat any friday the 13th like a lucky holiday. it sounds edgy, but it really helps

anyway ive finally noticed my voice is getting deeper. i can feel it now too. its pretty god damn exciting

havent noticed any body changes yet, but ill keep yall posted

also im in hd now ;^) new phone new car and new me

hrt week #9 & 10  3/30/18 & 4/7/18 

things have been very very strange. as i begin to feel more like myself i realize just how out of touch my body was with my mind 

 every day i can feel the difference in my emotions. i still feel as deeply, but i have the ability to just let it roll off my shoulders now. its like a curse has been lifted from my body yknow 

the weeks havent been so great but on the inside ive never felt more content

hrt week #8 3/23/18

besides new glasses i havent been noticing much change this week either

BUT, despite how stuck ive been feeling, ive gotten confirmation from other people that my voice has indeed been getting lower. it feels good to know that my transition isnt going as slow as it feels. i guess it all boils down to me being impatient but i do know that it takes about three months for anything to really start happening. fuckin biology and shit

anyway work has been awful of course, but after a week of getting swamped with bullshit at work during what was SUPPOSED  to be spring break i finally got to see my therapist again the wednesday afterwards. it was nice to get back into my routine at the very least

in some slightly less great news, ive been slacking on my walks big time. work has been so draining that i barely have the energy to do anything by the time i get home from work. not only that, but ive been stuck doing homework the entire time as well.  hopefully after monday ill be able to get back on track

as an end note, i still hate doing injections. my syringes suck and i have to fight to get them to work so i may start looking into new ones so that i dont end up with a bruise every single time

so ends the second month of testosterone. hopefully the third will bring some better news, especially since ill be getting my associates degree soon

see yall next week

hrt week #7 3/16/18 

 this week has been a mixed bag of nuts 

 work has been a mess, but ive been passing easier than before. more people have been calling me sir but work has become a mess. i feel more validated but at the same time time not quite. its really complicated things are kinda stagnant right now! ill keep yall updated if anything changes 

 mad out for now 👍

hrt week #6

3/9/18

one day ill stop being god awful with these injections. ONE DAY

anyway the past week has been all over the place yet again. despite all that, ive been passing better!!! i havent really noticed that much change but more and more strangers have been addressing me correctly and its been feelin Real Fuckin Good

not much else of note to say this week and ive got a headache AND a sunburn anyway, so please ignore how puffy my face is. peace out ✌️

hrt week #5 3/2/18 

it feels good to be me even though everythings still a mess 

i finally feel like myself. i think the effect on my brain is more worth it than the coming physical changes, honestly. ive been feeling so much more confident in my masculinity because i finally feel more masculine!!! i cant tell if anything has changed on the voice or physical front, but for now i feel very happy. therapy is going well, hrt is going well, and my life is generally headed in a better direction 

im too stoned to write anything else but i feel good as fuck yall. mad dog out 🐶

hrt week #4 2/23/18

 this week has been a hurricane too unfortunately my aggression has been flaring up again and ive been generally feeling extremely exhausted. things on the sleep front havent been great either 

BUT the time has come. my throat has been feeling tight and constricted which means MY VOICE IS FINALLY CHANGING!!! im fuckin psyched so bad that i dont give a shit whats going to happen over the next few months. ive been waiting for this day my entire god damn life!! oooo im excited 

ive managed to get my oily face under control too, so physically ive been doing better than my emotions have. honestly though? i know theyll calm down when my voice starts changing more. its all ive ever wanted honestly 

i got a work party to go to this afternoon so im keeping this one short. heres to hoping ive got more to be excited about next week 👋

hrt week #3 2/16/18

 well the past week has been an emotional tornado literally a day after an episode that left me wanting to off myself, my dad called me sir for the first time. it wasnt a one-off either! the next morning he corrected himself on my pronouns and he even called me matt!! he still slips up obviously but hes finally coming around

on the more testosterone-related side of things, i still cant tell whether or not my voice is on the cusp of changing any because my body decided now was the time to hit me with drainage so bad i want to vom. ive been nauseous for three fuckin days, but hopefully my voice will be at least somewhat different by the end of it 

 as an end note, i am getting a little better with the injections. only spotted blood this time but a little drop of my man juice still escaped onto my skin. im going to master this shit if it fuckin kills me 

 anyway im gonna go home and take a walk now since ive been writing all this in the walmart parking lot 

 mad out 🏃

hrt week #2 2/9/18 some car just honked driving past me and i have no idea why ANYWAY i spent the entire week obsessing over how my voice is going to change. its basically what im the most hype for other than excitement though ive been nervous about the injections. i kinda goofed on this weeks bc i was too anxious about doing it right. mom told me i wont get better at it without practicing tho, and shes right, so im just taking a walk to chill out about it getting up earlier to walk hasnt been too bad. i had to skip yesterday because i had a full day but other than that ive been keeping on top of it. i actually want to start getting up even earlier so i can walk longer before i have to go to classes. its nice to exist in a quiet world for a little bit before i start my day. i gotta start eating before i go out though 🤔 i havent invested in breakfast since i graduated high school hopefully ill have more to talk about next week. mad out 👋

hrt week #1 2/2/18

while i could say that my drive to plano for injection training today was pointless because i didnt remember to bring my supplies with me, it was actually one of the most poignant moments of my life

the entire drive back i cried tears of joy to my old fogey 50s music. the doctor there gave me permission to allow my mom to teach me how to do the injection instead of having to make another appointment (my mom is a pharmacy tech, dont worry). i was so fucking relieved!! i had to cry

though i did have to suffer through work before i was able to come home and take the first dose, the hours flew by like minutes. i was so god damn revved up!!! when i got home i got to sit down with my mom while she helped me with the most pivotal moment of my entire life. she still doesnt think the name matt fits me, so we both agreed that she can just call me leo. super special mom-only nickname

words cant really describe how i feel right now. i never thought i would be able to get here, but here i am. the long haul to come is only just beginning, but now im ready for it

the next step is taking better care of myself! im ditching fast food and im going to start walking in the mornings before i go to class. soon ill try to start exercising For Real but that may take a little bit more time. for now, im focusing on the babiest steps

here i go!!!!!

hrt week #0 1/25/18 

so i made a long drive to and from austin today and got my man juice

the planned parenthood i went to was frightening at first glance, but that is honestly the most welcomed ive ever felt in a professional setting in my entire life. they even helped me get past my nauseating phobia of bodily injections/withdrawls!! i was literally on the floor by the end of my visit bc i was too nauseous to stand, but they got me fuckin apple juice and crackers. i want to cry just thinking about it because they made it feel so normal

in the beginning of all this, i never thought i would want or would be able to physically transition. i thought i would never have the money and i was scared of change. now though, despite the potential cons that worry me, ive decided that im going to start making decisions because of what i want, not because of what i think i can or cant do. im ready to take my life into my own hands 

im on my way to becoming the man i want to be