11/12/22

Hey there, it's been a while.

I said in my very first post that I'm a quitter. I stopped doing workouts, I stopped yoga, I stopped having a morning routine at all, I stopped having a decent sleep schedule, and of course I stopped posting. I called it.

I'm not gonna force myself to start posting regularly again, it would be too much pressure. But I just wanted to talk, let some thoughts out.

T and I spent our first night together this weekend since his family was away. It was pretty underwhelming, I know he had some stuff planned but it all fell through one way or another. Plus I had a horrible headache since I hadn't eaten all day. We ordered some food but I couldn't even eat it because I felt so nauseous. He took care of me so sweetly, I fell asleep in his bed around 10pm. He said he would stay downstairs for a bit and then come up. I woke up around 3am and he wasn't there, I checked my phone and realised he messaged me saying that he didn't want to wake me up so he fell asleep on the sofa.

He's so adorable.. but I really wished he would've slept beside me. I messaged him and told him to come up as soon as he wakes up since I know he wakes up during the night. He came up around 5am and we slept together. It felt so intimate and sweet. We still haven't gotten past the fact that he can't seem to keep an erection whenever we try to have sex... I don't really have a problem with it, but it does kinda suck. It can get sorta frustrating for both of us, we both really want to do it.

Besides that, we've both said I love you to each other. It's crazy to think about since he told me that he's only ever really said it to one person before. I'm sort of an I love you whore to be honest, I might have actually said it to everyone I've dated. That being said, I was still a kid, I didn't really know what love was. I'm not sure I do now, but I do know that I feel really strongly about him and I don't know how else to communicate it, so I feel really comfortable using I love you.

I wish he was more receptive to my emotions. I'm a huge empath but I know he struggles with expressing feelings himself. It can be upsetting when he doesn't know how I'm feeling without me saying it directly, I wish he understood me more in that way. I know people can't be perfect. But if we managed to work on that, he would be pretty darn close to perfection. Considering the trauma, and the fact that he's never really been a proper boyfriend before, he's doing a god damn incredible job at it.

My 'ex-boyfriend' drove past me when I was walking home from the train station after staying at T's place. It was a strange coincidence. My lighter ran out so I had to go buy a new one, and for that I went to the shop that my old workplace was rivals with since they're right next door to each other. I was worried I'd see him around there since it's the street he's always on, plus it was around the time that he would be there. He didn't appear to be around so I thought I was in the clear. Lo and behold, about 5 minutes down the road from there, he drives past me. I wasn't sure it was him at first even though we very clearly met eyes. I embarrassingly did a double take, it was indeed a silver toyota, same car he had. I shook it out of my head and thought hey, there's lots of silver toyotas in this area, what are the odds right? That was until he texted me a while later. It wasn't much, just a 'u ok' like he would usually text me right before asking me to come over. I ignored the text and went on with whatever I was doing and a few minutes later he called me. I declined of course, I'm finally in a really happy, healthy, loving relationship, I was in no way going to jeopardize that.

I was an idiot to get with him in the first place. And an even worse idiot for staying with him as long as I did, especially considering the tons of red flags that I just completely dismissed. I guess I just didn't want to be lonely. The plan was always to drop him whenever I found a real partner. Something that made me sick to the stomach was the fact that I actually thought about going over to his place for sex, cheating on my perfect boyfriend just because I felt horny. Sometimes intrusive thoughts are utterly disgusting.

23/11/22 - 26/11/22

It's me again. T came over, we were both feeling pretty shit the night before so we just wanted to see each other. We watched Final Destination and cuddled. We were both laughing our asses the whole time and then laughing about the fact that we probably shouldn't be laughing.

It was really great, I love spending time with him. He had to leave pretty early to help out his mum since she's disabled. He's such a sweet and caring soul. Before he left I made it really awkward since I had an overwhelming need to cry so it just burst out. He asked me if I was okay and tried to help but I explained that it just happened sometimes and it wasn't anything in particular, I just really needed to cry in that moment.

I reassured him as best as I could and as soon as he left I sat on the floor and started sobbing, wondering what's wrong with me. I texted him afterwards to apologise for making things so weird and he told me it was fine but I still feel really embarrassed.

The next day I got my paycheck from the single shift that I worked. I immediately spent most of it, on things I needed of course.

The day after that I went out to eat with my sisters. At this point, both my sisters and my mum had spotted whats left of the hickeys and of course they knew it was T. I usually never talk about stuff with my family but I felt the need to share T with them. He's just special and I think there could really be something there. Which is of course why I started to feel insecure about whether or not he felt the same.

I saw a post of him and his friends hanging out, including my ex, our mutual friend, and the mutual friend's friend who I know for a fact used to and maybe still does have a thing for him. I hate being the jealous type, I know he wouldnt do anything, but I can't help it. I try to keep it lowkey most of the time which is why I didn't even get mad about that.

Instead I started to pick a fight with him about the fact he hasn't told his friend, my ex, that we're dating. I completely understand why he hasnt, and I completely understand that I was overreacting which I did acknowledge and apologise for later on. However, in the moment my mind came to the conclusion that he hasn't told him because he feels like there's no point since he thinks we're not gonna last.

Yeah, my brain loves to jump to insane conclusions.

Anyway, I quickly backtracked on myself and said I was sorry for acting crazy over nothing. If I was in his position I wouldnt want to do it either. In my mind he would either stop talking to him entirely or try to turn him against me. There's no scenario where I can imagine him being okay with it. I mean, when I was with him he was always really insecure about T and thought he would steal me away from him.

Well.. yeah... I understand why he doesnt want to tell him.

I feel awful but I cant help that I simply didn't have feelings for him. I really tried so hard to summon feelings. He seemed like my soulmate on paper, we were practically the same person. Maybe that's what was off-putting in the first place. Regardless, I tried to let him down as gently as I could and he victimised himself and then cussed me out to all his friends constantly after we broke up. He was always really childish and manipulative, that was the first red flag I saw, a valid excuse for simply not having feelings for him.

I always felt guilty for having romantic feelings for T when I was still with him. Of course I didnt act on them. I tried to be friends with him for a while, I remember asking our mutual friend about it constantly, begging them to tell me if he said something about me. And he did, he said that it was weird that I would constantly text him. I knew he thought it was weird, I would always be the first one texting and he would always give me pretty dry replies. After a while I just stopped texting and then we didn't speak again until he asked me out.

I did question him about it. He tried to explain that he did like me but he just didnt want to betray his friend, plus he was drunk or high almost all the time back then and totally hooked on some girl that was stringing him along. I told him many times that he deserved better. What I really wanted to say wad that he deserved me. I would treat him better. Now that I finally can, Im not sure if I am. I mean, Im very mentally unstable, he knows that. He knows what he signed up for. He has issues too, I dont care, we can work through it together.

I hate to say that I'm obsessed. I think about him all the time, I'm seconds away from confessing my undying love at any point, I check his instagram following and his snapscore, my brain imagines the way he smells all the time. He smells so freaking good. I feel like I'm scaring him away, I have confessed that to him and he said that I wasnt, that he liked it but he just wasnt used to it.

I know that he's emotionally unavailable. I'm used to that. In fact my daddy issues scream whenever I think of it, especially considering that he's so similar to my dad it's crazy. They would get along so well. I've mentioned that to him before and he hates the thought of it. Freud would have a field day with me.

It really sucks that we live in different towns. I just want to be with him all the time. We had a very intense sexting session which included the exchange of several photos and videos. It also fed into several of my kinks which have never really been satisfied before. It made me go absolutely insane that I couldn't have him right then.

I really think he might be the one. Not in a delusional, obsessed way. I genuinely do believe it. So much so that I can't imagine our life together. Every time I've been in relationships, I create a delusional fantasy of us living the rest of our lives together. I don't need to do that with T, because I actually believe that we'll live through it. I don't want to imagine a fantasy and then not have our real life live up to the expectations. I believe that this will happen. I don't see any reason why it shouldn't, I see no reason for why it would fail.

I dont want to jinx it, but I really feel like I can spend the rest of my life with him.

21/11/22 - 22/11/22

If you hadn't noticed by now I'm grouping some days together if I feel like there's no point writing about a certain day, mainly because a lot of days there's just nothing happening to me that's worthy of being wrote about. This, however, is.

So T came over to my house today. He's a massive nerd and he's making me watch Star Wars. I watched the first 2 movies by myself because he specifically wanted to watch the third one with me.

To prepare I cleaned the house up a bit, showered, etc. I also suck at baking but I decided to try baking cookies and they actually turned out pretty good which I was surprised about.

Anyway he comes over and we watch the movie, I'm surprisingly enjoying them more than I thought I would. It's fun to see where all the memes come from mostly. After the movie finished I put some music on and we started making out which was fun.

Let it be known that I invited him for a specific reason since I was home alone, I think you can guess what that reason was. Well, we're on the couch making out and it's getting really hot and intense but we're just stuck in the making out stage and it's not getting anywhere so I kinda stop and question if he wants to do it and it's fine if he didn't. Turns out he did want to, he just wasn't getting hard.

This was particularly odd because I know for a fact I've made him hard before using just my words so I didn't quite understand and to be honest he didn't either. We stopped and sat back up and we just kinda laughed it off. I mean what else can you do? He told me that it might be trauma related and he could only get hard if he was tipsy which makes sense all things considered. I reassured him that it was fine and that we can always try another time.

It is kind of frustrating but it's also good. I've only slept with 2 guys before, the first one was on our second date and the second one was on our first date. It just feels natural now to get it over with quickly, which isn't the greatest mindset I know, which is why I don't mind that we're not rushing into things. On the other hand, he makes me awfully horny which isn't ideal.

But anyway, we hung out for a little after that but then he had to go home since it was getting late and he's working in the morning. He might come over again tomorrow, we don't know yet.

It was really nice to just have him there, being in his arms and feeling safe and loved. Plus he gave my 2 god awful hickeys and I've got a job interview tomorrow so I don't know how to feel about that.

19/11/22 - 20/11/22

Oh. my. god. When I tell you this was the best date I've ever been on.

Naturally I started getting ready 4 hours before he was picking me up. I took a shower, shaved, did my full skincare, did my makeup, my hair, chose my outfit and I was still ready almost 2 hours early. I waited around, questioning how I looked and redoing my entire makeup look.

He finally arrived and I got in the car. We discovered that we're both really into history so I suggested that we go to a musuem for our first date. It was a great, romantic idea in theory but the museum we chose was actually really boring and only had 2 small exibitions. Luckily it was free so the thing we wasted was our time.

After that we were thinking of things to do so I suggested we go catch a movie. We went to see that new movie The Menu that just came out. It was a good movie, just really confusing, there were so many plot points that were just left unexplained.

Anwyay, after the movie we decided to get drinks back at the pub that we went to near my house. We sat there for around 2 hours just talking and enjoying each other's company. Now I only had 1 drink but I hadn't eaten anything the whole day so I got tipsy pretty quickly, and that tends to make me horny. We were sat at a booth away from everyone else so we were pretty secluded. We did make out a couple of times in the pub and I quite enjoyed being evil and teasing him until he was literally shaking.

How crazy is that? Literally shaking. I've never felt that much power over someone and I fucking loved it. It was pretty adorable to see him like that.

We left about 10 minutes before they closed and just sat in his car in the car park. Neither of us wanted to leave. We get into a pretty hot and heavy make out session in the car that lasted around half an hour. The tension between us was absolutely insane. I wanted to have him right there and then and I knew he wanted me too. However, i was not about to have sex in a car and neither of our houses were available. So he took me home. Like a gentleman he even walked me to my door, even though it was only about 5 steps away. We kissed again and he left. Before that though, I may have sneakily mentioned that I'm going to be home alone for most of next week.

I'm really excited for that.

To avoid ending on such a sexual note, I will say that I have incredibly intense feelings for T. With most of my ex's, there was a lot of unhealthy obsession that was forcing me to be with them. With T, there isn't an obsession, it's pure, intense, romantic feelings. It feels different. I don't want to say love. I don't even know what love is. Maybe I'll experience it with T. Eventually. It's actually crazy, I can imagine my life with him so clearly. Whenever I imagined life with my ex's I always knew not to think about it too deeply because I never really believed or wanted it to happen. But with T, I actually do.

It's hard for me to believe that I've actually met someone so incredible who I already wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with. I mean we had an 8 hour date and somehow there wasn't a single moment of awkwardness, we were perfectly in sync with each other. I already have so many ideas for dates and gifts. I want to introduce him to my friends and my family, I want to take him home for Christmas, I want to take a weekend trip to the countryside with him.

Alright, there may be a hint of an obsession here. I can't help it. I have an addictive personality, it's genetic and it manifests mostly as an addiction to other people. I know that the feelings are real though. It might be an addiction but it's so much more than that.

I'm really fucking glad that he asked me out.

17/11/22 - 18/11/22

I'll start off by saving that my first day at work ended up being my last day at work. (Hi Toshi, this is nothing new, you can skip this one <3) So the job is in another city right? But they provided transport from my town and back so I figured it would be fine. I get on the transport and it was kinda embarrassing because I was the only girl there but I got over it.

Now this job was through an agency so when we got there they said that we can't come in because no one from our agency was there. We waited outside for about 20 minutes before someone showed up. This was a night shift by the way, I was meant to be on the afternoon shift but it changed the day before because I was the only one from my town that wanted to do the afternoon shift. Anyway, the people from the agency go and try to sort it out with security whilst we keep waiting outside. I made friends with some guys and was just talking to them for a while about how shit it was until I realised that I was the only person from my agency that was still waiting. I was confused but I thought maybe they were just calling us in one by one so I kept waiting. Eventually, after standing outside in the cold at 10pm for about 50 minutes, a security guy came outside and told us all that there were no spaces left and that we all had to go home.

At this point I was really panicking since I had no way of getting home and the nearest train station was a 50 minute walk away. I was lucky enough that the guys I was talking to actually offered me a ride to the train station so I accepted. Now after I told this part of the story to others they were all horrified that I got into a car with a group of male strangers but I didn't even think about that, I just desperately wanted to get home. Despite the guys being lovely and not drugging and killing me, they dropped me off at the station at the exact minute that the last train to my town left.

Now I was stranded at a random train station with no way to get home. I called my dad as a last resort and asked him if he could pick me up. He was annoyed of course because he had only just gotten home from work and wanted to go to sleep. Whilst I was on the phone with my dad, a lady from the agency called me. When I answered, she asked me where I was. I explained the situation to her and she said that it shouldn't have happened. She was kind enough to come pick me up from the train station and take me back to the warehouse so I could do my shift.

The actual shift was fine other than the fact that since I'm an attractive, young woman, everyone was fawning over me and trying to help me, telling me I shouldn't be in a place like this. God I hate men. Do they think that saying stuff like that makes them a gentleman? Forcibly helping someone when they didn't ask for help? It's ridiculous.

I wouldn't have been opposed to continue working there however I agree with my parents now, it's too far to begin with and the way I was treated before the shift was off-putting to say the least.

After I finished my shift and went home, I stayed up for a bit before going to sleep. Worst thing about the night shift is that I can't really sleep during the day, so after 8 hours of wheeling around massive, heavy cages filled with parcels and only eating half a flapjack, I slept for only 5 hours.

Promptly after I woke up I messaged the agency telling them that I will not be pursuing the job any further and thanked them for their time.

16/11/22

Alright, MAJOR update.

I was minding my own business today, talking to my ex's friend, lets call him T because I feel like he will be significant as of now. Well I wanted to be productive today so I started off with some coffee and a yoga session followed by a shower.

I've been messaging T pretty much non-stop since he first hit me up and it's been really nice. I could tell he was flirting with me but he was also beating around the bush and being kinda clueless. He said that he wanted to do something after work but that no one wanted to do anything. (God just ask me out already) So I acted clueless back and said oh you must be asking the wrong people. This went kind of back and forth until he actually asked me to hang out with him.

Of course I agreed, but I wasn't satisfied. I wanted him to admit that it was going to be a date. So naturally I said that we should invite a mutual friend of ours since they literally live opposite each other so it would be really easy to travel and I haven't seen them in forever. I didn't get the reaction I wanted, because he agreed to this.

That did kind of annoy me, but then he, "just out of curiosity", asked me how many guys I was talking to. Now, I technically have a boyfriend. Very technically. I wouldn't consider someone that I occassionally see at night just to drink and have sex my boyfriend. Was I obsessed with him? Yeah. But was I going to let him ruin my chances of potentially being in a happy, healthy relationship? Absolutely not. So I told him I was involved with someone but I hadn't seen or spoken to them for a while, which was actually true.

And his response to that was 'Ah cool, wanna go on a date?'

Jackpot. Literally jackpot, T is the best love interest I've had so far. He's sweet, funny, attractive, he has a car, a stable job and honestly, he's rich. So I said yes.

We went out together with the mutual friend tonight like we said we would, and honestly I'm really glad we did. I feel like it would've been a lot more awkward without the friend there since we haven't seen each other in so long. Now that the ice is broken, it feels a lot better.

We went to a pub near my house and had a couple of drinks and just talked and laughed. I had a really great time.

When it was time for T and the friend to make their way back home, I hugged them both and thanked them for such a good night out. T was walking over to the car but then he turned around and said 'It would kill me if I didn't do this' and he proceeded to walk back up to me and we practically made out in the middle of the car park. Oh my god. As soon as I was out of earshot of them I sent a voicenote to my friends of me literally just squealing with joy. I haven't felt this giddy and excited about a man in a while.

We're going on a proper date on Saturday, I'll definitely update how that goes. He said he's taking me somewhere fancy.

My supposed 'boyfriend' called me and texted me a few times whilst I was out. I ignored him. I feel bad, but I also don't. Despite my obsession, I know he's a walking red flag. This is my shot to have someone actually respect me. You know what they say, don't let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband.

12/11/22 - 15/11/22

Remember when I said that after a while I would slowly start giving up on this and start posting less and less? It's already happening. I'm surprised it took this long actually. There are a few things I want to share.

First of all, I went out with my sister on her birthday and we got our nails done which she paid for, I paid with my companionship, considering she literally has no other friends.

After that I once again went out to help my friend with his film project. (Did I mention this before? I'm not sure.. well, I'm helping my friend with a film project)

We went to my house to film in the back garden because using a fog machine was pretty vital to the performance. My mum is so unbelievably dramatic, she went on a walk with the dog and she called me to hysterically yell about the fact that she saw a fire engine and thought that someone called the fire department on us. I don't understand why she always overreacts like this, she's so paranoid she creates this insane scenarios in her head and then projects them onto everyone else.

Anyway, after we finished we went out to a field to film some extra scenes and then came back and ordered a pizza before everyone went home.

I spent the whole day today at my friend's college, also helping with the film project. It's gonna be a long one and he has to finish it within a month so I'm willing to help as much as I can. Although I am worried that I may not be able to help as much now since I'm starting a new job.

Oh yeah! I'm starting a new job! Well I'm not sure, I gave in and applied to a warehouse through an agency. It's only a temporary job, they probably just need more staff for the holidays so I probably won't be there for too long. At least it's something though.

However the most interesting thing to happen to me by far was my ex's best friend reaching out to me. It's a strange situation. My ex was always very insecure about this friend and thought that he would steal me or something. Don't get me wrong, I did like his friend and after we broke up I admitted my feelings and asked if he felt the same. He didn't say no, he just said he couldn't do that to his friend and I understood. I got over it. I tried to be his friend for a while because he honestly was fun to hang out with and talk to but I realised that I was initiating every conversation and after I stopped, we didn't talk again. We didn't talk for half a year and he suddenly messaged me 'Hey, are you okay?'

I was taken aback a bit, I wasn't sure if I should respond or not. Eventually I did. We fell into a conversation, he was always really bad at texting so I've been carrying the whole thing. I was pretty pissed off when he mentioned that he hadn't 'gotten laid' in a while. I thought that he just hit me up to hook up. Which is ridiculous. Who does he think I am? Even if I wasn't over him, why would I go to a different town to have sex when I can do it in my own town whenever I want? (Plus I have a boyfriend.. can't forget that part..)

He keeps calling me pretty. It's not out of context, and well, I am pretty, he's not lying. I can't tell if he's flirting with me or not. I don't know if I want him to or not. It's confusing. I did have feelings for him at some point, I still like him as a person. He's fun to be around and he's sweet and has a good personality. He made me obsessed with The Beatles and The Smiths. He's an old soul but the good kind, it makes him classy. Plus he is very conventionally attractive.

There is a realisation I made which will once again make me sound insane. For days I was getting loads of tarot readings that all said that I had a social media stalker, someone who would always view my posts and watch my stories. They said that this person would eventually make a move towards me. I dismissed them because they didn't make sense at the time. Today I realised that this guy would always be the first to view my snapchat story, which was weird to me because he's not the type of guy who sits on his phone all day. I didn't really think anything of it, until now, it clicked. He is the stalker.

09/11/22 - 11/11/22

Hey there, been a while.

I’ll do this all in 1 part because to be honest not much happened. I did yoga. I bleached my hair blonde and then gave myself a pink ombre. I played an alarming amount of Sims. I did a bunch of chores. I considered starting an OnlyFans account. I considered getting a sugar daddy.

I’m currently on the way to go mushroom foraging with my parents at 1:30am. We’re Polish, it’s just what we do.

I think that’s it really? I don’t know what else to say. My mind is so empty. Sigh.

08/11/22

Strap in, I sense this might be a long one. Let's start from the beginning, waking up at 7am so that my sister could drop me off back home.

Don't make fun of me now, I have a crystal bracelet, it's made out of rose quartz and amethyst, both crystals associated with love and harmony. Last night, my other sister, not the one I was staying with, knows that I have a slight obsession with crystals and all that spiritual crap so she jokingly texted me 'Charge your crystals, it's a full moon.' I pointed out that the full moon was tomorrow (today) but I went ahead and left my bracelet out to bask in the moonlight anyway.

Now I might be going insane, but I think that actually did something. I mean I'm not a religious person but I do believe that the universe has a plan for me. And I might also believe that crystals and horoscopes have a bit of truth to them because how can there be so many coincidences?? It doesn't add up.

Anyway back to the story, I had an appointment in town today and after that I decided to buy some hair bleach because I've been wanting to go back to blonde for a little while after letting my hair rest. (I buzzed my hair off at the end of March because it was so incredibly damaged from constant bleaching and dyeing). Whilst I was buying it, something called me to also buy some pink hair dye. I love pink and my hair has been pink before and it looked great so I thought why not? I paid for everything and then wanted to go get Starbucks but then I realised that since I bought the dye, I didn't even have enough money left for Starbucks. (I am officially broke).

You see if I had gone for the Starbucks, I would've had to take the long way home. Since I didn't go for it, I went through the street I used to work on, the street where I first met my boyfriend. I don't know if I was expecting to see him or not, but I did walk by his friend and we stopped and had a chat. He talked about how he missed me and didn't see me in the shop anymore and I told him that I had quit a while ago and that I've been staying at my sister's house for a few days. We talk a bit more and then he says 'oh look who's across the street.' It was my 'boyfriend' who I hadn't seen or talked to in 2 weeks. I went 'ah that bitch' and his friend says 'no no don't say that, he's like my brother you're like my sister, come to my house to drink tonight.' He's been through a few houses in the 3 months that we've been together. He originally had his own very nice house with a roommate who then kicked him out after police raided the house (Okay, my boyfriend might be into some shady business but who am I to judge, as long as I don't get involved) Then he stayed at his friend's house for a while (the friend I was now talking to) and now he's staying at another friend's house whilst he's looking for his own place. Of course it's not easy to find a place to rent when you get paid in and only use cash, he has no proof of income.

It's lucky that all his friends are so sweet and welcoming. None of them have had a problem with me staying over and I think they actually like me hanging around with them.

Anyway moving on, he notices us but he doesn't come over to talk to me because he's clearly busy making deals with someone. His friend does go over to him whilst I start making my way home again, occasionally looking back at him to see that he's looking at me, smiling and blowing kisses in my direction. After a few minutes he calls me and we talk a bit, I tell him basically the same things I told his friend and that I'd see him tonight.

Before I could get around to that though, I needed to help my friend with his film project. This plan kind of all went to shit. We went to a random field because he wanted some shots of the main character running through it. The original plan was to have a fog machine, which he did in fact have, to create a mist effect. However, we were in the middle of a field and the fog machine had to be plugged in. This is where his generator would come in handy, if he had one. See he thought it was a generator, for some reason, but turns out it was just a tranformer. If you don't know the difference, a generator generates electricity, a transformer changes the voltage/current. We needed the transformer anyway because the fog machine could only withstand about 100 volts whereas the UK mains supply has a voltage of 230. The issue was that we couldn't do anything without a generator, since of course, we were in the middle of a field.

We did end up filming some shots but they will probably have to be retaken anyway. So basically we wasted about an hour in the freezing cold because he failed to actually mention we would be in a field! There was one good thing that came out of it though, before his mum dropped us all off home she took us to, wait for it, Starbucks. (and she paid!). There it is folks, the universe working in my favour. The universe rewarded me with what I really wanted after I listened to my intuition and followed my heart to buy that damn hair dye. The universe wanted me to do that so that I could walk through the street my boyfriend was on so that I could make plans to see him so that I could make the realisation that I might've been villainising him and he's not as toxic as I imagine him to be he's just incredibly insecure and really bad at communicating so all his insecurity comes out as anger, but on the inside he's actually incredibly sweet and tender and caring.

Alright, let me backtrack. After I got home I showered and got ready to see him. He picked me up and then we went for a quick trip to asda, and I mean quick because we accidentally came 10 minutes before closing time. We got to his place and then we cleaned it up a bit together because god his friends left it a mess. It's really wholesome doing things like that together, it's like we're a married couple. I don't need to ask to do anything, I put all the groceries away and washed the dishes and turned the washing machine on. Even though I don't live there, it feels homey.

Basically all we do is drink, smoke, talk and have sex. I like it. It's intimate. Sometimes I wish we did more, I wish we didn't just see each other at night but he's busy, he works a lot. I understand that. Today he made me realise something. He was genuinely hurt when he was telling me about how the day I was meant to see him I blew him off and then didn't text or call him for like 3 or 4 days, basically until I felt like seeing him again. I always had a feeling in the back of my mind that he was just using me for sex, but it might have been me using him all this time. Seeing how he felt when he said it to me actually broke my heart, I felt awful. I didn't realise how much it affected him, I always act so selfishly and then victimise myself. I'm the problem.

Well I'm not the entire problem, he did angrily say that I'm getting fat and that he didn't like it. He's not wrong, I have been gaining weight but I've been trying to work on it so it did hurt when he said it.

I don't have the best memory of the night. We drank a full bottle of vodka together. At around 1am we went from the living room into his room. I'll spare the details but we did have sex and it was intense. We took a shower together after. Well, I started taking a shower where I kept slipping and falling whilst he was throwing up in the toilet next to me and then he joined me after that. He gave me his robe to wear, we went back into his room and I'm not sure when but I ended up falling asleep. I woke up at 4am to find him finally crawling into bed with me. We had sex again which was pretty great and then we fell asleep together. He loves to cuddle. It's a bit suffocating because he's so warm so I always end up a bit sweaty and have to stick half my body outside of the blanket. I bear through it though, for him. It's the most intimacy I've had with anyone before.

I don't want to say that I love him. It's been 3 months and even though I tend to fall for people very hard and very quick, I don't want to call it love. I'm infatuated, definitely. I'm borderline obsessed. I don't know what it is about him that is so intoxicating, no matter how much I despise him I always go back. I can't stop thinking about him and I'm always wondering what he's doing. I'm constantly seeking him out, when I know I'm going to walk through the street he works on I try to make sure I go through it at a time I know he will be there just so that I can see him, even from afar. I sound insane. I probably am.

07/11/22

Okay, I've turned into a coffee drinker. The first day I spent at my sister's house I went to the shop nearby to buy some snacks, I also bought myself a box of double mocha instant coffee packets. Everyday since then I wake up and go downstairs to make myself a coffee. I can't start my day without it. Coffee, a small breakfast and checking my emails is what my mornings have tranformed into. I'm not complaining about it, it's actually really great. I'm not a fan of regular coffee though, I'm still a child in the sense that I'll only drink coffee if it's fancy like a frappuccino or a mocha. They just taste better, I don't care if they're expensive.

I'm surprised at how much energy I had today. Actually it was probably the fact that I had a coffee and ate breakfast. Also I knew I needed to take a shower and wash my hair so I figured I'd do a workout before that instead of doing it later when I'm already clean. And then I was motivated to go on a walk and instead of walking down to the shop to buy more snacks like I originally planned, I took the dogs with me so I wouldn't be able to go into the shop and be tempted. I had a week where I was just constantly craving sugar but it's started to subside, hormones amirite?

I spent the rest of my day relaxing with the dogs and applying for jobs. I knew job hunting wasn't gonna be easy but damn I thought I'd at least get an interview by now. Well, technically I did but I refused it because I realised that I applied for a role to work in a kitchen, which isn't really what I'm looking for. I don't want to work with food. It would be too much of a trigger for me. I guess the whole college dropout thing isn't a great look. I still have high hopes though, I'm not letting it get me down at all. I'm still as determined to find something as I was when I started, probably more so now since I'm realising that living without money is kinda impossible, the worst thing imaginable for me is being a freeloader.

06/11/22

I wasn't sure what to write about today. I feel like I need to start these posts with something exciting and engaging, even though I don't think anyone is reading them. I also try to think about the post as a whole before I start writing - what can I talk about to make sure it's not too short, what did I do today, what emotions did I feel. Truth is though sometimes there's just nothing to say. I took another bath, I did some yoga, I went to town with my sister to do some shopping. I didn't really feel anything significant. I don't have any profound thoughts about my life. And I guess that's okay. I'm technically an adult but I still feel like a child, and that's not a bad thing. I don't need to know everything, I don't need to have thoughts and opinions on everything all the time. I don't need to better myself everyday. Sometimes days are just static, like filler episodes in sitcoms. I love sitcoms.

05/11/22

I think I'm actually going insane. I'm a tiktok user, I can't help it. I used to think it was the worst thing ever without ever actually using it and now I'm obsessed. Someone reading this is probably calling me old and cringe for using tiktok but hey, if you're on tiktok and not enjoying it, you're just on the wrong side of tiktok. Sure there are plenty of cringe and completely unfunny videos and people but there's also plenty of comedy gold.

At the moment, besides being on dark and surreal humour tiktok, I'm also on horoscope/spiritual/tarot tiktok, which I love. I'm not saying I believe in it, don't get me wrong, but some things are just too accurate and specific to be a coincidence. Anyway these tarot readings have taken over my for you page and each one is more specific than the last which is crazy to me. What makes me skeptical is that basically every reading I get is positive, completely positive. That can't be possible, how can there be nothing but positivity coming my way? I'd accept it more if there were some terrible readings thrown in from time to time telling me I was going to have the worst week of my life or that my relationship is in ruins and I need to get out. Why do they keep telling me that 'the person I'm thinking of' (the same person every time because I'm a massive simp) is my soulmate and that he wants to take a massive leap towards me? He's not taking a massive leap towards me! He doesn't fucking care!

This is a callout post for tiktok tarot readers - what the fuck guys?

04/11/22

I woke up to the house being empty, my sister and her boyfriend were already at work. I went downstairs and got greeted by the dogs before going into the kitchen to make myself an iced coffee. It was awful, to be honest.

My sister didn't really have any food so I decided to skip breakfast. I went to take a bath instead. We don't have a bath in my house, just a shower. We used to only have a bath. I adored taking baths, I would sit there for over an hour just enjoying myself in the hot water. Today I considered 20 minutes to be a long bath. Over the years I've been burdened with massive financial guilt due to my parents constantly talking to me about the bills and how I shouldn't waste water and electricity. At this point my regular showers are 5 minutes and my long showers (where I shave my whole body, do a hair mask etc.) are 10-20 minutes. I don't understand how people can spend longer than 20 minutes in the shower. What do they do? I get so bored so quickly, I wish I could stand under running water for an hour without having a constant fear of the water bill.

After my bath I did my makeup, got dressed and decided to go for a walk around the neighbourhood. Whenever I stay at my sister's house I don't really go out anywhere, especially by myself. It was nice to explore a little, even if it is just roads upon roads. I stopped at a shop and picked up some snacks. I know I know I'm meant to be eating healthy or whatever but I figured if I didn't have my brother to buy me food everyday I'd have to survive on something.

When I got back I made myself a coffee, fed the dogs and set myself up in the living room to watch some shows before anyone got home. My sister's boyfriend picked up his kids to stay over for a night. They live with their mum normally since it's closer to their school and friends and then they usually stay here for the weekends. The older one I get along with very well, she's only 2 years younger than me, she's polite and we have the same sense of humour. The younger one however, we're both not a fan of. I don't know how she ended up so different to her sister but she is incredibly spoiled, throws tantrums over nothing, she's lazy and she's mean, really mean. Both of them are well off, in the sense that they get a lot presents, they have the newest iphones, laptops etc. but at least the older one is humble and grateful. The younger one, she's 11/12 I'm not quite sure, is absolute evil incarnate. The worst thing is that she'll never aim it at my sister or her dad, just at me and her sister for absolutely no reason. She'll kick and scream and cry and needs constant attention. As someone who is the youngest sibling themself, she sets a bad example for us. From one side I do get it, she gets jealous at how well I get along with her sister and I admit we don't include her in some things because, well to be honest, it just feels like we're babysitting. At the same time there's clearly someone who is enabling this behaviour and not teaching her that it's wrong, which isn't her fault.

I stayed up until 2am with the older one, which is later than I've stayed up in weeks. It was probably the 2 coffees I had earlier in the day but it was also a part of me that was genuinely embarrassed to fall asleep early in case she might think I'm not cool anymore. I don't know why teenagers associate an awful sleep schedule with being better than people who fall asleep and wake up at normal times after getting enough sleep. Call me old but I like getting 10 hours of quality sleep, going to bed at 10 or 11 and waking up at 8 or 9. 10 hours might be too much but that's what my body wants so that's what my body gets. Since I don't have a job there's no need for me to wake up at a specific time so I don't use alarms anymore. My body wakes me up when it has had enough sleep and I respect that. Over the years you learn to realise that your body tells you everything you need.

03/11/22

Today was a calm day. I keep applying for new jobs as they pop up everyday. At this point I'm applying for anything I can. I'm kinda desperate. Whilst the idea of starting a new job is scary, it's a fear that I have to face. If not for character development, then for my awful awful spending habits.

The most monumental thing I did all day is cook dinner. It was pretty simple, rice, chicken and roasted peppers in a homemade sauce. I didn't think it tasted all that great but when my mum came home and tried it she said it was delicious which actually boosted my confidence.

I don't even remember if I mentioned this before but I'm staying over at my sister's house for a few days. She picked me up after work and we drove over. She lives in another town so it was about a half hour drive. I haven't been at her house in just over a year, it feels like so much has changed, they redecorated 2 rooms and changed out their floors. The vibe is definitely the same though, awkward but comforting.

I got a headache pretty early on in the evening so I decided to sleep early. I fell asleep around 8 and woke up just after 12 from a call. A call from my 'boyfriend'. I declined. Of course he calls me the day I leave town. I mean, he doesn't know I'm out of town but that's just my luck. Who wants to bet he won't even apologise? He didn't text me or anything after that, just accepted the fact that I declined.

I stayed up for another 3 hours after that. I wanted to go back to sleep but I just couldn't. I made plans with a friend for her 18th birthday and then watched some tiktoks until I was tired enough.

Why do I feel so jealous and spiteful when good things happen to my friends? Why can't I just feel happy for them. I would never wish misfortune on them, I love them so much but I despise it when my life isn't going the best out of my small circle, I hate when I'm not the happiest, I hate when I'm not the most financially blessed. I need to get over myself and realise I'm not always going to be the best. I'm not always going to be perfect and happy and thriving. But sometimes I feel like I never am. Sometimes I feel like nothing is going right for me and I'm just destined to live a life of misery and failure. I have no real prospects, no real hobbies, all my relationships are awful, all my habits are bad. I have no motivation to get the help I need and better myself. I'll never be who I want to be.

02/11/22

Today was a good day. Well, it was a pretty average day, but compared to how I've felt the past few days, it was good. After I woke up I immediately had to get ready to go shopping with my dad. My dad is... a complex person. He's not abusive or mean, but he's very emotionally unavailable and distant. He had an extremely horrific childhood so I can't blame him for the way he is. Sometimes when he gets drunk he tells me stories from when he was younger and I can't help but cry for him. He's so incredibly strong and I'm so proud of how well he has kept his sanity.

Despite my deep admiration for him, I hate being alone with him. There has never been a time where it hasn't been unbearably awkward. I'd consider myself an extroverted person, but due to my social anxiety I struggle to start and keep conversations, I need someone else to take the lead. My dad is an introvert, he never takes the lead. The tension that hangs in the air as we drive to the supermarket is so obvious. I want to break the silence and I can tell he does too but we just don't know how. When we went to the second shop he didn't even go in with me, he waited in the car. It's a bit of a shame because I would've liked him to see me speak Polish with perfect confidence. Fake confidence, but alas, confidence. You see my family is Polish but I was the only one born in England. I can speak, write and read Polish from talking to and texting my family but I never went to a Polish school so my pronunciation can be off sometimes and I tend to get nervous when I know I've said something wrong. My mum always points out when I make a mistake, I know she's trying to help but she doesn't understand how much of a failure that makes me feel like.

After we came home my dad and my brother went off to work so I was home alone. I sat playing the Sims and listening to music. I decided I would do an at-home workout too, considering I had just eaten a whole bag of crisps and watered it down with pepsi. It was painful as my body got used to my muscles actually working but at the end I felt great and powerful as hell.

After a while of sitting on my bed and staring at the wall blankly I thought about my sister and the fact that we had plans that she had to cancel. I decided to reach out to her and ask if I could stay over at her house for a few days, a change of pace might be good for me and encourage me to do more with myself. She immediately asked me if I was okay.

My relationship with my oldest sister is complicated. For context I have 3 siblings, my brother who is 2 years older than me, my sister who is 7 years older than me and then there's my half sister who is 12 years older than me. There's multiple reasons why I never really considered her my sister for the longest time. It wasn't that she was my half sister, I actually didn't even know that until I was about 13/14. I think the fact that there's a generational gap definitely affected how much I was able to relate to her. She always felt more like a mother to me, which is why I never really told her anything and we didn't hang out much. When we did it was awkward because I didn't really know what to talk about with her. I'm really glad that we've started to get closer recently. We hang out more, we talk more and she gives me incredible advice. Whilst I still look at her as a motherly figure, it's now less reflective of my relationship with my actual mother, but more so of the relationship I wish I had with my mother. I feel so comfortable and vulnerable whenever we talk. For some reason I can never have a conversation with her now without immediately wanting to cry, even if it's a perfectly normal conversation.

Without work I feel so fucking pointless. I really dont have any hobbies, if im not working i just sit around all day watching shows to fill the void, but that gets so fucking boring so quick and no matter how many times I switch between things I normally enjoy I just feel so lazy and pathetic. It feels like I dont have a purpose and I want to see my fucking boyfriend, I want him to hold me in his arms and fuck me and tell me he loves me, but hes fucking ignoring me for no reason and I am not going to be a pathetic little bitch and beg for his attention because I am not that kind of girl.. but I want him so bad.